She's the only one... Ha.
Yan Qingli admitted that she suddenly felt indignant about this, but she had probably expected it. Although she was down, it was not a major blow to her.
What hurt her even more was that what she thought was love was just wishful thinking on her part. In fact, the other person was not only unhappy, but also "depressed".
Thinking of the imperial physician's diagnosis, Yan Qingli's gaze became even more somber.
Qiu Lanxi was taken aback by the other party's bluntness.
Yan Qingli turned her gaze to her: "Qingqing, do you hate my Da Ning?"
In the past, Yan Qingli had never thought about national and personal grudges, because for ordinary people, the enemy country was more like a symbol. When dynasties changed, they were more worried about the impact on themselves. But similarly, there was also an ordinary person who loved his country deeply.
Qiu Lanxi had never expressed these feelings, and Yan Qingli had never thought much about it. But after much thought, this idea finally came to her mind.
After all, for someone who identifies with the country behind them, living with their enemy day and night is probably a very difficult thing to endure.
Qiu Lanxi paused for a moment before shaking her head and saying, "I have no feelings for Teng Kingdom, so how could I hate it?"
This guess was rejected, but Yan Qingli did not feel relieved, because if it was not a matter of national or personal hatred, then it could only mean that she simply did not like her.
But why?
After returning, Yan Qingli asked herself this question countless times. She believed that she had done everything she could to provide for her, ensuring that her food, clothing, shelter, and transportation were all excellent. She treated her like a precious jewel and never hesitated to show her affection in any situation. Even when her father reprimanded her in private several times, she remained unchanged. Wasn't that enough?
Yan Qingli was not one to dwell on things. She quickly calmed down and realized that effort doesn't always guarantee a reward. Just like everything she did for the throne, others wouldn't choose to serve her simply because they saw her hard work.
But she still didn't understand.
Yan Qingli stroked the wine glass and asked again, "Have you ever had someone you loved?"
Qiu Lanxi glanced at her before saying, "No."
She asked again, "Do you hate me?"
"Your Highness is the best person I have ever met in this world." Although there are differences in their thinking, Qiu Lanxi had to admit that as a native, her thinking might have its limits, but she had indeed done everything she could think of.
Yan Qingli finally couldn't help but ask, "Then why don't you love me?"
All of her previous actions clearly indicated that she liked her. If that was all fake, then why is she suddenly not pretending anymore?
Qiu Lanxi couldn't help but smile: "Does Your Highness understand me?"
Yan Qingli almost gave an affirmative answer immediately, but seeing the smile on her lips, she couldn't say anything. If she really understood the other person, she wouldn't have kept assuming that they had already understood each other.
"What Your Highness sees is merely what I want to show Your Highness; it is not the real me," Qiu Lanxi lowered her eyes. "Your Highness doesn't even know what the real me is like, so how can you say you like me?"
She couldn't help but laugh: "Does Your Highness still like me?"
After discovering that everything she did in the past was an act, can one truly be without resentment? Without complaint? Without anger? Without sadness? Without being hurt?
Yan Qingli was stunned. After a moment of silence, she said, "But you have never even shown me your true self, so how do you know I would dislike it?"
Perhaps because she had been drinking, her emotions were somewhat outwardly displayed. Qiu Lanxi not only sensed a hint of grievance in her words but also noticed a glimmer of tears in her eyes.
Qiu Lanxi was taken aback by the question, but after a while, she still smiled confidently, seemingly unfazed: "If Your Highness wishes to see, of course you may."
As she spoke, her smile faded, and she suddenly relaxed, just like every time she was alone in a small, enclosed room.
Yan Qingli was suddenly stunned.
What comes into view is no longer the liveliness in her eyes, nor the fragility between her brows and eyes, but only an indescribable numbness and indifference. Just living seems to have exhausted all her strength, so she can hardly spare any attention to anything else, teetering on the brink of collapse like a flower that could wither at any moment.
Qiu Lanxi hadn't shown this side of herself in a long time. She had known for a long time that her mindset was actually very unhealthy. She had witnessed her mother die while trying to save a life, and her father was only able to return to sweep her grave the following year because he was on a mission. He strictly forbade her to get close to him in any public place, and not even to pretend that she knew him.
She lived under the roof of others; both her maternal and paternal grandparents' families had several children, which was typical of the social norms at the time. Therefore, her parents did not join the army voluntarily; they only sent her to the army to earn a living because they had too many children to support.
She heard many disdainful things said to her face when they thought she was too young to understand. Later, her father's comrade-in-arms took her away, and she grew up 'healthily' with excellent grades.
They thought she should be proud of her 'heroic' parents, but she hated them; they thought she should get along well with her relatives because they had never mistreated her except for their words, but she disliked them; they thought she should be like the other children in the compound, go into politics or business, get married and have children, and not cause them any worry, but she had no love.
Qiu Lanxi is a very self-centered and lonely person. She has no one to confide in and few people can understand her loneliness. After graduating, she opened a clinic because she didn't want there to be anyone in the world as unfortunate as herself. She strives to live her life well because she doesn't want negative emotions to defeat her.
But if there are things in modern times that can bring her joy, then there are none in this era. Therefore, Qiu Lanxi really wanted to give up. If a person cannot find any joy in life, then why live?
She had once been thankful that Wang Baiying was a pedantic and easily deceived scholar who didn't require her to sacrifice herself, and she had also been content with Yan Qingli's high enough position that she could live a good life in her later years simply by giving orders. But now, she only wanted to get away from this world.
This is not the civilized society she is familiar with; it is filled with ignorance and barbarity hidden by power. She comes from a civilized society, so why should she accept and adapt to the filth of this era instead of refusing to accept it all?
She disliked being treated like an object, didn't want to live off others' favor, had no reverence for imperial power, and didn't want to lose herself for love.
Qiu Lanxi said slowly, "Your Highness, I would rather be an ant that can be crushed at any moment than be your canary. My soul should be free."
It should be free, and must be free.
Yan Qingli felt as if her heart was being squeezed tightly, making it difficult for her to utter another word.
Chapter 44
Qiu Lanxi has left.
Her purpose in coming was simply to prevent Yan Qingli from being upset because of Emperor Qinghe's decision to appoint a crown prince. With her experience, she was capable of comforting people.
But now that she was certain that Yan Qingli was not saddened by this, there was no need for her to stay any longer.
As a princess of a country, Yan Qingli had few things she wanted and had never had after Emperor Qinghe ascended the throne. Therefore, she cared more about this matter than establishing a crown prince. However, in Qiu Lanxi's opinion, she was not the kind of person who was obsessed with love. Adult life is not just about love, and accepting all of this was not difficult for her.
Qiu Lanxi didn't want to know what she would do about it later. With her power, she could understand whether she gave up or forced it. After all, this was ancient times, and she wouldn't be surprised by anything that happened.
In fact, many people think she's the one who doesn't appreciate kindness. Someone provides everything for you, and you don't have to worry about anything. Isn't that a good thing?
Rationally, Qiu Lanxi understood that this was the best outcome she could get. She had accepted it at first, as she always thought that her adaptability was not bad. But people always realize after experiencing things that not everything is something they can accept.
Yan Qingli sat in the pavilion for a long time, lost in thought.
She didn't really understand Qiu Lanxi's words. She didn't even know that there was such a bird as a canary in the world. But Yan Qingli could roughly guess what the bird looked like. It was probably a bird kept in cages by some powerful and wealthy people because of its beautiful appearance.
Yan Qingli had never kept any birds, but she had seen others do. Their flight feathers were clipped, and they were kept in cages for people to admire.
Those in power can use their power to satisfy their own desires. Although Yan Qingli disliked this, she understood that it was human nature. There is no absolute fairness in the world. In her opinion, as long as it does not exceed a certain limit, there will be no problem. Just as her father would severely punish corrupt officials, he would also turn a blind eye to officials who were not excessively greedy.
Honest officials are praised precisely because they are rare.
Therefore, Yan Qingli could not understand Qiu Lanxi's words. If birds were used as metaphors for people, then it should refer to concubines. After all, the first wife could not be locked in a cage and had to rely on herself for social interactions.
She never regarded Qiu Lanxi as an insignificant concubine. No one would stop her from going wherever she wanted. Yan Qingli did not understand why she felt like a caged canary, and what she meant by "my soul should be free".
Yan Qingli tried to understand all of this, but instead only made her mind a mess.
...
…………
The fact that Qiu Lanxi went to find Yan Qingli, but he did not come back with her, immediately fueled the rumors that she had fallen out of favor. However, because Qiu Lanxi rarely interacted with servants, she did not notice anything amiss.
She didn't understand why she was still living there.
However, having already made her decision, Qiu Lanxi was too lazy to care anymore and completely ignored Chun Su's hesitation. After all, it was just a matter of persuading her to back down, and the princess would definitely not really ignore her.
But she thought it was fine this way.
After all, deceiving someone who is not being insincere will be a morally reprehensible act.
For the next month, the two did not see each other again. On this rainy day, Qiu Lanxi sat by the window, staring blankly at the raindrops outside, and soon fell asleep.
She wasn't interested in ancient entertainment, and the vernacular stories here weren't easy to read, so when Qiu Lanxi was bored, she would often stare at something in a daze and then fall asleep.
When I woke up again, I found a figure standing in front of me.
"Your Highness?"
Yan Qingli stared at her. Her hair and clothes were wet, as if she hadn't used an umbrella after the rain.
Qiu Lanxi was surprised to see her like this when they met again, and couldn't help but ask, "Why didn't Your Highness change your clothes?"
This kind of outrageous, idol drama-like plot is something she wouldn't do.
Yan Qingli did not answer, but only asked, "Do you want to be an official?"
She tried her best to understand Qiu Lanxi with her own thinking. After thinking for a long time, Yan Qingli finally felt that she had grasped some clues. In Ningchao, there was no situation where a woman's life was ruined if her husband's family was not good after she chose a husband. There were many women who married twice or three times. Because the war required people, women who could have children could have their thresholds worn down after divorce.
And for those whose wives are powerful, it goes without saying that it's common for them to divorce if their husbands are heartless.
But Yan Qingli knew very well that there were many others who were not in this situation. Many more were enduring their husbands' dissatisfaction and serving their families wholeheartedly, because they had neither the confidence nor the ability to resist.
She roughly guessed Qiu Lanxi's unease. Everything the other party had came from her. She could give it and take it back. If she didn't get it herself, there was always a possibility of it being taken back. Just like now, if her father wanted to take back everything she had, he would have to weigh the consequences.
A powerful maternal clan is unlikely for Qiulanxi, who is isolated and helpless, but it is not impossible for her to acquire power on her own.
She weighed the pros and cons for a long time because this was very different from her own situation. She was known for her talent and had shown her talent since childhood. Even so, when she became an official, she faced a lot of opposition.
But in the end, Yan Qingli still did it because she knew that she had a chance to make it happen. She thought about it for a long, long time, whether it was worth it or just because she liked her.
Yan Qingli was still a rational person. There were many people in this world who were confined to their inner quarters and had no one to know their talents. She wanted to help them, but if even the people around her chose to remain silent, how could she guarantee that they would still help her in the future?
She even analyzed her own flaws from this. She would feel sorry for a talented woman who married someone who was inferior to her in every way; she would also be angry that an eight-year-old child was learning everything just so that he could marry a good husband in the future. Why was it that when it came to Qiu Lanxi, she never thought that she might have more choices?
She knew perfectly well that Qiu Lanxi could answer questions without hesitation when she saw numerology that took her a while to figure out, and that she wasn't uneducated either. So why did she assume that Qiu Lanxi would necessarily want to be her wife?
Realizing that she seemed to have unconsciously adopted a 'man's' perspective, Yan Qingli vaguely noticed that the arrogance she thought she would never have seemed to be growing within her.
Yan Qingli, what happened to you? She asked herself softly in her heart.
Qiu Lanxi was stunned; she even thought she had misheard: "What did you say?"
"Do you want to become an official in the imperial court?" Yan Qingli repeated calmly.
Qiu Lanxi looked at her. Did she want to? Of course she did. Admittedly, this wasn't the best way out, but in ancient times, it was the only path that allowed one to have autonomy. Whether it was a powerful family or marrying a good man, those were ultimately rights granted by others. Becoming an official, though more dangerous, meant that even if one died in the end, at least one had tried their best.
After all, only a small group of those in power can change the world.
However, Qiu Lanxi was aware of reality. She had neither the talent to manage the world nor any power to use, and her background limited her to simply go with the flow.
She never imagined that Yan Qingli would dare to defy the world and hand over the life-saving driftwood to someone else.
Gazing intently at her, Qiu Lanxi felt the embers in her heart rekindled, a hope that had never risen since she came into this world: "I want to!"
Yan Qingli gave a soft "hmm" before saying, "The palace examination will be held next March. Your father has granted you permission to participate directly in the palace examination. If you can win first place, then everything will be granted."
The imperial examinations in the Ning Dynasty were no different from those in Qiu Lanxi's memory. They included the provincial examination, the metropolitan examination, and the palace examination, which only selected the top one hundred candidates. The palace examination was conducted by Emperor Qinghe himself, and the examinations were more practical than the theoretical ones of the past.
If Qiu Lanxi were to start from the provincial examination, she would definitely not be able to pass, because she really doesn't know those skills.
Yan Qingli had indeed taken the exam in secret, so her appointment as an official was more a matter of questioning whether it was in accordance with proper etiquette than whether she was unworthy of the position.