Over the years, Han Shu continued to walk on the broad road paved for him from birth, riding high on success. Only he knew that beneath the glamorous surface lay the poison of guilt, which, day by day, festered like a carbuncle. He avoided seeking medical help, afraid to confront the problem, but the poison could not heal itself and rotted in his heart.
Every morning when he wakes up, he looks in the mirror and says, "I'm fine, I'll be okay, I'll forget, I will, I will, I will!" He smiles, he's happy, everything goes smoothly for him, he's successful in everything he does, and his life is incredibly exciting; but he's also afraid of the dark, afraid of dreaming, afraid of quiet moments, afraid of himself in the mirror, afraid of making promises, afraid of every expression that resembles hers, afraid of never finding any trace of her again, and even more afraid of mentioning the future to anyone.
He smiled as he took his first girlfriend's hand, but a fleeting image flashed through his mind: bloodless fingernails digging into the bars of the defendant's dock. In college, when he won his first badminton championship representing his club, the cheering girls erupted in applause, and he always imagined the person who coldly threw down their racket was somewhere lonely in the midst of the commotion. On the tree-lined paths of campus, he chatted and laughed with friends, but in those quiet moments, he wondered what lay on the other side of those high walls, and what she was doing at that moment. After joining the prosecutor's office and successfully handling his first case, his father patted him on the shoulder with satisfaction, but he couldn't be certain of the existence of justice.
Now, fate has given him a push, bringing him back to her. Before Xie Junian, Han Shu no longer needs to wear that mask of pretense. He tears away the flawless facade, revealing the festering wounds in his heart, laying bare all his sins. He is truly afraid of Xie Junian, and she is the only one who can bring him inner peace. She is a single woman, raising a child alone, perhaps needing a helping hand, an embrace. Eleven years ago, he was so cowardly, but who says mistakes cannot be made up for? Only he can atone for his mistakes, and he is willing to give her anything. Han Shu is willing to offer the rest of his life to make amends.
This sudden realization lightened Han Shu's shoulders. She was all alone, and he could protect her and give her a good life. His heart would feel better because of it. Wasn't that the best thing? It was the perfect scenario for both Xie Junian and himself.
"Why is your bag so dirty?" Han Shu brushed the mud off Ju Nian's cloth bag, his tone becoming lighter.
Ju Nian quietly took a step back, just in time to avoid his touch.
"Is there something you need?" she asked again, her tone not aggressive, but filled with emotionless resistance.
Han Shu's hand awkwardly froze in mid-air, unsure whether to extend it or retract it.
He was, after all, a proud man, and he rarely encountered setbacks except for things related to Xie Junian. Although he was determined to treat her well from now on, he couldn't hide his slight annoyance.
"Of course I have something to say. Do you know how long Fei Ming waited for you tonight, and how disappointed she was?" He coughed, withdrew his hand, straightened up, and tried to make himself seem like he had a legitimate reason to come up with something.
"Huh? Oh..." Ju Nian paused, then understood what he meant. Fei Ming had told Ju Nian earlier that her boarding school was having a performance that evening, and she was going to participate by performing a dance. He hoped her aunt could come and watch if she had time. Ju Nian had initially planned to go, but then Ping Feng's incident happened, so she naturally couldn't be an audience member for Fei Ming's group.
Ju Nian felt somewhat apologetic, but she figured Fei Ming would understand. The child had been with her since childhood and knew her aunt's work hours were irregular. There had been times when she couldn't attend parent-teacher conferences due to scheduling conflicts, and Fei Ming had always been happy to explain to the teachers. Perhaps in the child's mind, she preferred to reserve a seat at the parent-teacher conference for her imagined, fictitious parents. Moreover, Fei Ming hadn't told Ju Nian that she had also invited Han Shu tonight.
Han Shu was quite surprised by Ju Nian's reaction. Judging from her appearance, she hadn't forgotten; rather, she simply hadn't taken the matter to heart at all.
"Do you know what this means to a child?" Fei Ming danced with great enthusiasm. Han Shu watched her and a group of classmates come down from the stage. The other children rushed to their parents, who were waiting with cameras, like swallows returning to their nests, but she slowly took off her hair ornaments and walked at the very back. When she saw Han Shu waving at her, Fei Ming's eyes lit up with surprise. At that moment, Han Shu truly felt sorry for this child. She, like her mother... her aunt, deserved to be cherished and loved like a diamond.
"I know, but something's come up tonight..." Ju Nian lowered her head and brushed the bangs that were covering her eyes, trying to walk around Han Shu. She didn't actually need to explain to Han Shu, but she wanted to end the conversation as soon as possible.
Han Shu stood firmly in front of her, relentlessly saying, "Honestly, I've been very busy today too. Believe it or not, I've been investigating a case for quite some time, and the person involved just inexplicably jumped from the fifth floor, leaving me with a bunch of clueless leads and a mess. I shouldn't have gotten involved in all this trouble... I'm saying this so you know that no matter what, children need to be valued, no matter how busy adults are."
"Thank you, I understand." Ju Nian changed her perspective and continued walking towards the iron gate.
This time, Han Shu braced himself against the wall next to the iron gate, completely blocking her way. "I don't care what you think of me, can't you just listen to me finish what I have to say... even if it's for the sake of the child?"
Ju Nian slumped her shoulders in utter helplessness. "You don't need to worry so much about Fei Ming. I'm her family, and I know better than 'others' how to care for her."
Han Shu was a perceptive man; he naturally understood the meaning behind Ju Nian's words. "Are you trying to say that I'm the 'other person' who's meddling?"
Ju Nian didn't want to continue arguing with him. She knew she couldn't win the argument, so she shook her head, almost pleading, "Han Shu, can we just talk this out once and for all? Fei Ming isn't your child, nor is she mine. She has nothing to do with you, and our lives have nothing to do with you."
Han Shu thought his face must have looked terrible at that moment. He had considered various possibilities regarding whether Fei Ming was his biological child, but Xie Junian's blunt denial still left him feeling very disappointed. He had imagined that the child would be a bond, and as long as that blood tie existed, they would never be strangers.
"I now believe she wasn't your biological daughter, because anyone with eyes can see that you raised her, but you didn't truly love her."
Ju Nian's hands trembled slightly as she unlocked the door with the key. She finally understood that the person in front of her was not just there because she missed a party. So many years had passed, and she wanted to turn the page on that chapter, but he wouldn't let her go.
The iron gate finally opened, but Han Shu's hand was still blocking her way. Ju Nian was silent for a moment, then suddenly used both hands to pry the hand off, trying to forcefully remove the obstacle.
Han Shu seized the opportunity to press against her shoulders and said hastily, "I know you hold a grudge. I was wrong. You can hit me or scold me, no problem. Or you can slap me once, twice, three times... You have to give me a chance to make it up to you."
He forgot that although Ju Nian seemed easy to bully, once she got stubborn, no amount of pulling on her would change her mind. She had no intention of saying another word and refused any communication, acting as if nothing else mattered to her except for breaking through that door.
The two pushed and blocked, and although Han Shu had the upper hand, he was still wary of accidentally hurting Ju Nian, and couldn't do anything to her for the time being. The old iron gate and weathered brick wall were already fragile, and they couldn't withstand the two of them fighting like this. In the chaos, there was a loud crash, and the entire iron gate came off the wall, kicking up a cloud of dust, and crashed to the ground. Ju Nian's bag also slipped from her hand and fell to the ground, and her various personal belongings scattered from the open bag.
This finally stunned the two who were wrestling like children. Han Shu stood there dumbfounded, feeling frustrated and helpless, while Ju Nian stood there, speechless with despair.
Isn't this just like the entanglement between them all along? Neither of them knows what the other wants, they are both stubborn, not knowing how to start or how to end it well, resulting in both of them being hurt and leaving a mess.
Finally, Ju Nian indifferently squatted down and silently picked up the things scattered on the ground. Han Shu, belatedly trying to salvage the situation, quickly helped. Suddenly, a beam of light shone on their location, startling them and leaving them both bewildered.
"Who's there? What are you doing in the middle of the night?" Uncle Cai asked from afar, wearing a coat and shining a flashlight, probably disturbed by the noise earlier.
Ju Nian shielded her eyes from the light with one hand and mumbled an answer, "It's nothing, Uncle Cai. The door suddenly broke. Sorry for disturbing you."
Uncle Cai also saw the two people squatting there, but didn't investigate further. He chuckled and said, "Ju Nian, it's good that you're alright. You're a girl all alone; I thought there was a thief among us. It's good that you're okay!"
Watching Uncle Cai close his door, Ju Nian stood up, clutching the more important items from her bag. The bag had been used for quite some time, and it had been through considerable trouble because of Ping Feng's situation; now even the strap was broken, so she could only hold everything in her arms.
She reached out and wiped her face. Ju Nian couldn't understand why she had gotten herself into this state. She had never been an impulsive person, so why bother arguing with him?
As Han Shu watched Ju Nian wipe her face, she also rubbed the dust from her hands onto her cheeks. Frustrated about how to ease the awkward situation, he quickly pulled out a tissue and handed it to her. This time, Ju Nian was no longer out of control; she simply pushed his hand away gently.
She reverted to the state Han Shu least wanted to see: devoid of love or hate, as still as a placid lake. The iron gate to the courtyard had fallen, but the unseen door separating them remained tightly shut. Perhaps, that door had never been opened for him at all.
"Ju Nian..." No matter how high he climbed or how deep he went, or how many transformations he could perform, he couldn't escape the desolate and directionless Five Finger Mountain. Han Shu, who was always eloquent and persuasive, could only utter a name at this moment.
Ju Nian said calmly, "You said you would compensate me."
"Yes, I said it. What do you want?" Han Shu seemed to see a glimmer of hope again. His voice changed slightly, as if he wanted to rip out his heart and be as fresh as possible.
She said, "Stay away from us."
After saying this, Ju Nian turned around, stepped over the collapsed iron gate and broken bricks into the courtyard. Before pushing open the gate, she remembered his reason for launching the expedition and looked back at Han Shu, who was as stiff as a street lamp.
"Maybe you're right, I'm not a good parent, but I've tried my best."
Ju Nian, such a lonely child, poured all her love—from her parents, brothers, friends, and lovers—into Wu Yu, the only person in her life. She only knew how to love Wu Yu, which is why she gave her all. If she had any feelings left, she didn't know who else to give them to.
Chapter One: Who Owes Whom?
(This text is a direct continuation of Chapter Six in the next part.)
Ju Nian returned to the room, drew the curtains, unwilling to see Han Shu's reflection in the glass. Putting down what she was holding, she slumped onto the edge of Fei Ming's empty bed.
Compensation? She smiled bitterly. Could he turn back time? Han Shu was just a mortal being; he couldn't do that, so there was nothing that could compensate her, and she didn't want any compensation. Just as she didn't want to hate him, because hatred occupied her heart too much. Besides, if Han Shu was a selfish person, wasn't she just as selfless?
Fei Ming is staying at school today, and her dolls are all huddled together in a lonely row. Ju Nian is fiddling with a plush toy in a daze, and she is also asking herself, just as Han Shu said, do she really love this child? Take tonight for example, Ping Feng's matter is indeed urgent, but did she really think from the beginning that Fei Ming's party was not important?
Ju Nian herself was a child who never knew what parental love was. Throughout her childhood, her parents' absence from every aspect of her life seemed perfectly natural. No one brought her an umbrella on rainy days, no one applauded her from the audience, no one cared about her grades at parent-teacher meetings, and no one worried about her late returns home. Han Shu, of course, was different. He had always been the apple of his parents' eye. Even if Dean Han was strict with his son, it was out of deep love and concern. During the college entrance exams, Han Shu's parents took leave from work to wait anxiously outside the exam hall, while Ju Nian was only asked by her parents several days after the exams ended what she wanted to eat. Han Shu and she had completely different experiences of love.
A child who has never received love finds it difficult to understand how to love, because their experience is too barren. Looking back, Ju Nian, such a lonely child, poured all the love from her parents, siblings, friends, and lovers into Wu Yu, the only person in her life. She only knew how to love Wu Yu, which is why she gave so much of herself. If she had any feelings left over, she didn't know who else to give them to.
Why did she adopt Fei Ming? Was it because she loved children? Every day, she told herself to raise Fei Ming well, to give Fei Ming a home, and not to delve into whose blood she carried. But as Fei Ming grew up, apart from her hidden illness, she didn't resemble Wu Yu much. Her features, temperament, and demeanor increasingly resembled another woman in Wu Yu's life, and Ju Nian's heart sank deeper and deeper into despair. Yes, she treated Fei Ming kindly, she had tried her best, but that was all. True love isn't about trying; it's about giving your heart.
Ju Nian never harshly criticized Fei Ming, rarely forced him to act according to her own ideas, and never made any demands on him. If this were a child given to her and Wu Yu by heaven, would she still act this way? She might scold the child harshly when he misbehaved, and she might also hold the child and weep bitterly when she was at her most desperate.
Many nights, after Fei Ming had fallen asleep, Ju Nian would sit on the edge of this bed, gently covering Fei Ming's eyes and brows with her hand, leaving only his thin lips, the only trace of his past love, visible. At those times, Ju Nian knew that she loved nothing more than Wu Yu's shadow. Han Shu was right; she was too selfish, and the child was so innocent.
Perhaps out of a slight sense of guilt towards Feiming, on Friday, when Feiming came home from school, Ju Nian deliberately left work an hour early to pick her up and take her out for her favorite pizza. Arriving at Taiyuan Road Elementary School, just three minutes after dismissal time, a tide of students was still pouring out of the school gate. Feiming was a child who liked to linger long after school before going home, but Ju Nian looked around and couldn't find her anywhere. Just as the crowd thinned out, Feiming's homeroom teacher happened to walk out chatting and laughing with several other teachers.
"Is Feiming's aunt still in the classroom?"
Teacher Wang said "Oh," and then looked Ju Nian up and down with a smile. That look and that smile made Ju Nian feel a little uncomfortable.
"Your Xie Feiming, he was picked up by his dad as soon as the school bell rang... By the way, you two should be getting remarried soon, right?"
"Huh?" Ju Nian blushed, not knowing where to begin.
Teacher Wang, being young herself, probably realized her words were a bit abrupt. She smiled and said, "Please don't mind. I'm not asking about your family life, but a complete family has a huge impact on a child. Since Xie Feiming's father started visiting more often, the child has become more outgoing. Don't worry, they've probably gotten home before you. Goodbye."
"Oh, goodbye." Ju Nian hastily forced a smile.
Without even guessing, it was obvious that Han Shu had come to pick up the child again. It's no wonder the teacher was meddling; anyone seeing this scene would likely assume she was a single mother with a child, pretending to be aunt and nephew. Now, the still-absent "father" had appeared, the family was reunited, everyone was happy, just like a popular soap opera.
On the way back, Ju Nian was somewhat absent-minded. She thought she had made herself clear enough about Fei Ming not being Han Shu's child, and that Han Shu was a smart man who should be able to discern the truth. But it seemed his care for Fei Ming hadn't diminished. Did he really see her as a savior? Fei Ming was a very sensitive child. If an elder like Han Shu appeared in her life, fulfilling all her aspirations, her joy and involvement would be immense. If one day, these aspirations were shattered, it would be more cruel than if they had never existed at all. Ju Nian didn't want to think about it anymore.
When she got home, she pushed open the broken iron gate that had been rebuilt with Uncle Cai's help a couple of days earlier. No one was home; she had no idea where Han Shu had taken her. Even as Ju Nian prepared a simple dinner and the sun began to set, there was still no movement at the door.
At this moment, Ju Nian couldn't help but feel a little worried. What if it wasn't Han Shu who took Fei Ming away? Thinking about this, she became even more restless. Only then did she realize that she didn't have a way to contact Han Shu either—but even if she did, would she be willing to make a phone call? It was not her intention to have any further contact with Han Shu.
As she sat there restless, she faintly heard the sound of wheels outside. Ju Nian went out of the courtyard to look. Sure enough, it was Han Shu's silver Subaru approaching from afar.
Perhaps seeing Ju Nian walking out, Han Shu actually parked the car far away near Uncle Cai's small shop. After a while, Fei Ming, carrying several bags, opened the car door and skipped towards the front door.
Ju Nian didn't even look at the car, only waiting for Fei Ming to walk up to her.
"Auntie, I'm back."
"Why are you up so late? Your aunt was so worried about you," Ju Nian said gently.
"It's not that late," Fei Ming muttered, his eyes glancing at the things he was carrying, and his interest rose again. "Uncle Han Shu took me to eat really delicious ice cream and bought me lots of fun things."
Ju Nian wanted to say that it was wrong to make others spend money. But when she saw Fei Ming's excited yet fearful expression, she swallowed her words. She was tired of being a villain who ruined other people's happiness.
Sure enough, after noticing that her aunt's expression had darkened slightly, Fei Ming hugged her "treasure" tighter and pleaded pitifully, "Auntie, I like the things Uncle Han Shu bought."
Ju Nian glanced at the colorful packaging bags, figuring they were just oddly shaped trinkets that the child liked, and that he liked too. He sighed, "Don't let it happen again. Let's go inside. Are you still having dinner?"
Fei Ming nodded, took a few steps, then turned around and waved in the direction of Han Shu's car. Han Shu's car was parked far away, and he didn't get out, but he wasn't in a hurry to leave either.
"Oh, right, Aunt, this is what Uncle Han Shu asked me to bring to you." As soon as they entered the courtyard, Fei Ming suddenly remembered and stuffed the largest item in his hand into Ju Nian's arms.
Ju Nian was taken aback, but did not reach out to take it.
"Auntie...please open it." Fei Ming pouted and begged. Seeing that Ju Nian didn't move, she opened the packaging for her aunt herself.
It was a woman's shoulder bag, and Ju Nian fell silent upon seeing it.
"I said it wasn't pretty, but Uncle Han Shu insisted it was good." Fei Ming muttered to himself as he fiddled with his bag.
Ju Nian wasn't a fashionista, and her daily necessities prioritized simplicity and comfort. Even though she avoided trends, she'd still recognized the prominent logos and classic monogram patterns on the tags. She stopped walking, turned back, and sure enough, Han Shu's car was still there.
"Feiming, can you do something for your aunt? Go and return the bag to Uncle Han Shu." She squatted down in front of the child and whispered her instructions.
"Why? Auntie, don't you like it? But Uncle Han Shu has been looking for it for a long time..." Fei Ming asked, puzzled.
"obedient."
"Uncle Han Shu must be so sad."
Ju Nian suppressed her emotions, wondering if the child's words were at Han Shu's behest.
"Auntie, please say it again, please return the bag to Uncle Han Shu, okay?" Her tone was still calm, but Fei Ming had been by her side for so many years and knew how to read people's expressions. Fearing that her aunt might change her mind and ask her to return all the trinkets as well, she had no choice but to flick her ponytail and run towards Han Shu's car again.
After Fei Ming left, Ju Nian breathed a sigh of relief. If the child had been really stubborn and refused to run this errand, she wouldn't know how to face Han Shu. Han Shu's car was parked so far away, probably for this reason.
A little while later, Fei Ming rushed back and said aggrievedly, "Auntie, Uncle Han Shu said that this bag is a compensation for you, and he didn't mean anything by it."
Ju Nian stroked the child's hair. "Good boy, Fei Ming, help your aunt again. Just say that your aunt said so. I appreciate it, but there's no need to spend money. Let him take it back."
Fei Ming rolled his eyes and once again acted as a mouthpiece.
Sure enough, she soon returned to Ju Nian's side, panting, "Aunt...Aunt, Uncle Han Shu said...said..."
Ju Nian faced the loquat tree, with her back to Fei Ming.
"say what?"
Fei Ming was somewhat confused by the indifference in her aunt's words. She thought she had grown up, but she still didn't understand what adults meant, whether it was her aunt or Uncle Han Shu.