She didn't know who this person was—was it her former self, the "Song Yiwen" she had fabricated to carefully conceal her identity from Su Li, or another identity she had been indulging in during her past? Who was she? Who was she during those days?
Yes, she is not Song Jianan, because Su Li never knew who she was. In that boy's life, only the identity of Song Yiwen had passed by silently, then deviated, and finally went far away.
Even though she was once so close to him, the only identity she could never reveal was that of Song Jianan.
But why can't I reveal my name? Why do I need to hide my identity?
The rustling of pages pulled her thoughts back to reality. Her youthful, carefully concealed feelings were exposed, and a surge of shame and anger welled up inside her. She snatched all the letters from Song Rui's hand.
Song Rui was startled and immediately blurted out, "What are you doing? You scared me to death! It's just a few love letters. But Sister Jia Nan, you're really something, writing letters to people under a pseudonym. Why didn't you use QQ? Are you having an online romance?"
"Song Rui, can you shut up? Do you need to interfere in my affairs? Let me tell you, don't touch other people's things, and don't leave any of your things here anymore. Throw them away as soon as you see me!"
"Sigh, what did I do to you again?"
"I'm in a bad mood, don't talk to me. Once you've found your things, hurry home, or I'll call your mom!"
"Fine, let's go! Who's afraid of who!"
With a loud bang, the door slammed shut, and the footsteps faded into the distance. The only sounds in the room seemed to be the faint breathing and the slow, labored heartbeat, slowly suffocating all my sensitive senses.
The snow-white pieces of paper slipped from my palm and fell to the floor. The penmanship was somewhat faded, but it felt as if I had received them just yesterday. Those memories that I had carefully sealed away resurfaced like ghosts.
Beautiful cursive script, Su Li's handwriting, very familiar, so familiar that after deliberate imitation, it actually looks somewhat similar.
"A friend recommended I go to a forum to discuss history over wine. I came across an article about the Spring and Autumn Period and another about famous traditional Chinese medicine practitioners. The Spring and Autumn Period article was humorous and witty, full of fun, and I could read it for a long time without getting tired of it. The article about the famous practitioners was delicate and poignant, full of ups and downs, and I couldn't put it down."
I read history very simply. In the past, I enjoyed reading military strategy and biographies. Most of the figures I remember came from the Spring and Autumn and Warring States periods. Many heroes emerged from those chaotic times. Reading history makes me worry about the present. I yearn for a chaotic era, one of freedom and openness. In the end, it all boils down to a deep-seated hero worship.
Perhaps the arrival of a new era will come when the whole world chooses to reflect.
After reading it, I suddenly felt that this genius, who is far removed from us or has never been close to us, was so sincere, yet so unreal.
I've read so many words that I can only recognize characters but not understand reason. I can't even trust anything outside myself. How contradictory! What do you think?
Also, please sign your real name.
That night, Song Jianan had a dream.
It felt like she was still on that long staircase in high school, where many classmates were chasing and playing. She carried her books and walked up the steps one by one. She didn't dare to look up at the crowd of people passing by, while Su Li was walking in front of her. She secretly watched his back.
That road was very long, seemingly endless. The blue and white school uniforms swayed in front of her, but she couldn't see her own reflection clearly. Was she the capable and shrewd twenty-five-year-old herself, or the pretty seventeen-year-old she was?
Suddenly, the boy in front of her turned his head slightly, and his slightly hoarse voice rang in her ear, "What's your name?"
She tried to make a sound, but was powerless. She gently opened her eyes and realized it was a dream.
That scene, I still remember it clearly after I woke up.
The winter sun lies quietly beside you; open your palm and you can grasp a ray of warmth, but close your hand and it's icy cold.
She arrived at the newspaper office a little late that morning and noticed that everyone looked very serious. Song Jianan found it strange, flipped through the articles in the newspaper, and then whispered to her colleague next to her, "What's wrong? What happened?"
"Wang Kejia resigned and jumped ship to the provincial TV station without any prior notice. The director is furious!"
Song Jianan frowned slightly, and her colleague leaned over to continue, "Actually, it's not a big deal that she jumped ship, but several of her interviews with cultural figures fell through, and the handover process is a mess. It's tough."
"She was also arranged to interview Fish Leong's 'Night of Psychic Communication' concert on December 25th and CHANEL China's new product launch on January 3rd. They're currently in a meeting to change her. Anyway, the director's aura is very strong today, so be careful not to get shocked."
Song Jianan smiled and shook her head, saying nothing more. She pulled out the concert ticket from the folder. It was an exquisitely designed ticket with a pink background, giving it a dreamy feel. The title was also sweet—"Fish Leong's Warm Concert." She suddenly thought that going to a luxurious concert would be a good choice.
When I went to the cafeteria for lunch, I saw Zeng Shuyi leaning against the glass window, looking worried and distressed.
Song Jianan felt like she had seen a ghost these past few days. Everyone looked so gloomy and depressed. She quickly went up to Zeng Shuyi and patted him on the shoulder, "What's wrong? Is work not going well?"
“Song Jianan, I want to ask you, why do you want to work at the newspaper?” Zeng Shuyi smiled slightly, but her brows furrowed even more. “Tell me the truth, don’t give me this interview-like interview.”
She answered casually, "There are many reasons. For example, I majored in journalism, and the opportunity was very good at that time. I happened to graduate that year and the newspaper was recruiting."
Zeng Shuyi habitually smoothed her hair, her expression somewhat desolate. "I'm considering resigning."
"Resign! Why?" Song Jianan's eyes widened, but she remained calm. "Tell me your reasons?"
“This is not the life I want. I live such a tiring life every day. I have to worry about whether my articles have been published. If I don’t have an article for a day, the pressure is huge. Look at our economics section. It looks so glamorous on the surface, but it’s just an empty shell. You know our director’s reputation. All the colleagues are connected by this or that. There’s never been any room for advancement.”
Song Jianan smiled helplessly, "It's the same everywhere, even where I am. Whether you can do well or not depends on fate."
“I used to want to be a strong woman, thinking that I would be busy and fulfilled every day, and that I could reach a very high position with my own abilities. But that’s not the case. I thought about it for a long time yesterday, and the reality is not like that.”
"By the way, didn't your version of Wang Kejia also resign?"
"Yes, the director was furious and almost suffered a cerebral hemorrhage."
"Heh, let me tell you the truth. Wang Kejia is hospitalized. She has stomach cancer. I really don't know the specifics." Zeng Shuyi sighed deeply. "What's the point of exhausting yourself? One general's success is built on the bones of ten thousand soldiers. It's really true."
"Is that so? I see."
Song Jianan gently pushed open the window, and the cold winter air rushed in. She closed her eyes slightly, enjoying a rare moment of clarity. "I didn't think that much. I just thought, if I stand in a very high position, in a very conspicuous place, and have the opportunity to meet more people, will someone see me and think, 'That's me'?"
"But it seems that there is no need for that now."
It had been a long time since I had seen such bright sunshine and a clear blue sky in this ancient city. From the second-floor cafeteria, I could see the golden sunlight reflecting off the yellow leaves on the ground. Sunlight filtered through the gaps in the trees, dappling the tree-lined path like diamonds. Even in the depths of winter, the leaves would gently fall from the trees, kissing the sunlight so closely.
She suddenly laughed, "Actually, my goal right now is to attend a heartwarming concert. Zeng Shuyi, do you still remember how that song goes—'If one day!'"
She hummed softly, a smile playing on her lips, "Now all I can do is admire the only photo we took together. What I've forgotten is that street corner, what I miss is that smile. Life is full of disappointments, and the more I miss someone, the lonelier I feel. If loneliness catches up with me again, sadness is just normal. If we meet again someday, will time turn back a little?"
Su Li, if one day we meet again, and time doesn't go back to high school, I will bravely meet your gaze, give you my most beautiful smile, and then we will pass each other by.
I should also forget you, forget that era, and forget Song Jianan named "Song Yiwen".
A note from the author: After returning from Shanghai, I realized that that kind of life wasn't what I wanted. If I took that job now, all my novels would be killed.
Writing brings me joy and happiness; I'm truly happy. Why should I deprive myself of that joy?
Updates should become more regular from now on. Thank you all for your continued support.
After finishing this post, I probably won't be writing anything for about six months, as I need to prepare for my second year of graduate school. I hope everyone understands.
Plot spoilers: This chapter is a transitional section, without any hint of anything. Those who support Xi GG will be happy in the next chapter, as Xi GG is about to take action!
However, those who support Su GG will be quite disappointed.
I'm still keeping Xiao Duan (GG) under wraps; he's my trump card.
I don't know the ending yet... I'd like to have a vote sometime.
Don't hit me! (Covering my face and running away)
Chapter 21
"I think I should go to that heartwarming concert and relax properly."
Her QQ signature was displayed in the most conspicuous place, and everyone who logged on would ask her about it. Fang Yanyan even jumped out to tease her, saying, "Sister Jia Nan, you should have helped me get those couple tickets back then, so you could have spent a romantic Christmas night with my handsome and charming cousin."
Song Jianan almost spat out the water she had just taken a sip of, and quickly replied in a serious tone, "Actually, it's enough for one person to watch such a loving concert. It's like sharing in other people's happiness, which is also a very happy thing."
Fang Yan didn't reply for a long time, and finally a crying face popped up. "I was caught slacking off by Teacher Zhou. Waaah, I said I asked you for advice on how to write a report, and he said, 'I thought you were a matchmaker. Since you like writing reports so much, just pick one of the hot topics that came up today and write about it.' I'm so wronged."
She smiled but didn't reply. She opened her profile and wrote earnestly, "I really like 'If One Day,' but I don't have the courage to listen to 'Courage,' and 'Warmth.' Maybe I'm just afraid of seeing sweet love. That sweetness, because of my turmoil and distrust, has turned into purgatory."
But reality and ideals are always different, so I've decided to spend my life listening to a heartwarming love parade, trying to convince myself that perhaps numbing myself is the only way to believe it.
Suddenly, the icon on QQ, which hadn't lit up in a long time, lit up with a concise question: "Fish Leong's concert?"
"In the fields in July," Song Jianan replied without hesitation, "Yes, the love parade on Christmas Eve."
She clicked on the blog post, read it for a while, sighed slightly in her heart, but her eyes remained fixed on the chat box, where black text appeared: "After reading your blog post, I actually really like the song 'If One Day' too."
"Why?"
“The lyrics, ‘If one day we meet again, will time go backwards?’ I always think, if only time could go backwards, what would it feel like to meet someone you’ve never met and missed out on?”
"It might sound unbelievable, but I always think that there are some people you may never meet in your entire life, yet they exist in your virtual world and talk to you face-to-face every day. It's a magical feeling."
Song Jianan smiled knowingly and quickly typed in the chat box, "If one day I meet them on the street, we might recognize each other, but we'll just smile knowingly and then pass by. I think that feeling would be great."
"But have you ever thought about this? If someone—I mean, someone you don't know—talks to you for so long, aren't you really curious? It's like someone who's been with you for a long time, but you might never know them in your entire life. Don't you really want to know who they are?"
"Someone who has always been with you, but you don't know who he is," Song Jianan chuckled softly. Was he talking about himself, or the silly girl who secretly watched Su Li back then, but didn't know who she was?
But, did Su Li ever wonder who she really was?
Was it that he truly didn't know who she was, never deliberately searching for her, and simply intended to let her die slowly in silence, ultimately stingily not even leaving her a smile, or that he wanted to know who she was, but missed her every time they crossed paths?
Unable to answer the question, she had an answer in her heart that contradicted her true feelings. She could only reluctantly type, "I don't know. Maybe I haven't experienced it, so I can't answer it. I can only imagine that if that person is important to me, I will try my best to find out. But if he is destined to be a passerby in my life, I will slowly forget him with time."
"Really? I understand."
Song Jianan had a vague premonition, but couldn't quite put her finger on it. She stared at the screen for a while, then shut down the computer. Just as she was about to call her aunt to ask about Song Rui's situation, the phone rang. When she answered, she heard it was Xi Luoyu.
It sounded like he was still walking down the street, a strong wind was blowing, and the sound of the wind was coming through the receiver, making his voice intermittent, "I just came from the law firm, so many things to do today, what are you doing?"
He had only intended to chat with her casually, but his mood suddenly improved, and his voice softened slightly. "I just turned off my computer and was about to call Song Rui. I upset the kid last time, so I'm planning to buy him something to appease him for Christmas."
"Oh? You want to coax Song Rui? That little brat doesn't need any coaxing. It won't work anyway. She'll just give you a hard time. In my opinion, you should just leave that little girl alone. When she gets bored, she'll come back to you on her own."
Song Jianan burst out laughing. "Hey, I feel like you have a lot of experience fighting the enemy. Did you study psychology?"
"Haha, I've studied a little criminal psychology. By the way, what are your plans for Christmas?"
After a moment's hesitation, she went against her own wishes and said, "I don't know. Maybe the newspaper has an event, or everyone goes out for a meal or something. It's pretty much a tradition every year."