Maestro de la ambigüedad

Capítulo 53

Han Xiao hesitated and wavered, but finally decided to do what she wanted to do. She went downstairs and asked He Ziming about Nie Chengyan's whereabouts. Knowing that he hadn't come out of his room, she went to the kitchen, cooked a bowl of noodles, and brought it to him.

Huo Qiyang seemed unusually happy to see her. He pointed to the door and whispered, "You've been sulking." Han Xiao nodded, hesitated for a moment at the door, and finally let Huo Qiyang open the door for her.

Nie Chengyan was lying in bed, but he wasn't asleep. Hearing the door open, he asked in a deep voice, "What is it?" Han Xiao had just walked in and before he could answer, Nie Chengyan sensed something was wrong with the footsteps and sat up abruptly. "Xiao Xiao?"

Han Xiao brought the noodles in and placed them on the table: "I noticed you haven't eaten properly for either of your two meals today."

Nie Chengyan was overjoyed and quickly said, "I'm hungry." He reached out to her for help, but Han Xiao pretended not to see him and set out chopsticks and side dishes: "If you're hungry, have some noodles."

"Xiaoxiao, my feet hurt." His tone was pitiful, implying that he couldn't sit down on the chair by himself.

Han Xiao turned her head and glared at him: "I'm actually feeling sorry for him."

Nie Chengyan froze, realizing that she wasn't referring to his feet when she said she felt sorry for him. He sighed softly, helplessly dragging a chair over and sitting down. He spun the chair to the table, muttering, "My feet really hurt. It's definitely going to rain within three days."

Han Xiao ignored him and simply handed him the chopsticks. He took the opportunity to hold her hand, but she pulled her hand away and placed the chopsticks on the bowl.

Nie Chengyan finally dared not act rashly and obediently picked up his chopsticks to eat the noodles, saying as he ate, "Xiaoxiao's cooking is still the best." He had a childlike, ingratiating expression and was secretly glancing at her. Han Xiao felt her heart soften: "If it rains, it would be good to prepare some herbs for soaking your feet."

Nie Chengyan was overjoyed: "Okay, okay, you say you'll take me?"

Han Xiao didn't know what to say for a moment, and the two fell silent. Nie Chengyan put down his chopsticks, reached out and took her hand in his palm. This time, Han Xiao didn't struggle, but just looked at him.

Nie Chengyan said earnestly, "Xiaoxiao, I know I hurt your feelings, I..." He was speechless as soon as he opened his mouth. He had thought of many reasons and excuses to ask for forgiveness, but in the end he couldn't say a single one. He was mute for a long time, and finally he could only utter one sentence: "I'm sorry. But I really love you very much, there is no lie about that."

Han Xiao looked at him, feeling strangely at herself. At a time like this, she should have been either angry or touched, but she could still look at him calmly. She remained silent for a moment, then asked, "What do you like about me?"

Nie Chengyan frowned. Was she still angry and stuck on her own thoughts, which was why she was making things difficult for him? He was on high alert and focused intently on answering the question, but it was a difficult one to answer.

"Yeah, I just like you." Although it was the truth, he felt that this statement seemed perfunctory. Seeing that Han Xiao's expression also seemed dissatisfied, he hurriedly added, "I'll be very happy when you're by my side."

"Even when I'm right here, you still get angry every day. How can I be happy?"

Nie Chengyan hurriedly said, "But if you're not here, I won't even have the energy to get angry."

"Then you think you're right to throw tantrums like that?"

"I..." He knew she wouldn't be easy to coax right now. He thought and thought, but he really had nothing to say. He could only say, "I'm in the wrong, so come back and take care of me, okay?"

"I can't control you. You are the city lord, and I am just a lowly servant." She said it offhand.

Nie Chengyan froze, his face darkening. He asked in a hoarse voice, "You really think so?"

Han Xiao knew she had misspoke, but since the words were already out, she didn't want to take them back, so she stubbornly pursed her lips and nodded. Nie Chengyan remained silent. He knew her inner turmoil, and he had specially handed over the indenture, hoping that she could see the distance between them. She must have understood that, yet she used that reason to hurt him.

"I..." Han Xiao stammered nervously, unsure of what to say. Seeing his hurt and sorrowful expression, she suddenly understood how he had felt when he hurt her that day. It was unintentional, yet the wound was deep. Her heart ached even more, and she couldn't help but want to call out to him, but when she opened her mouth, it was only: "Master..."

Nie Chengyan was startled and looked up at her. The vulnerability in his eyes made Han Xiao want to bite her tongue off. Nie Chengyan stared at her for a long time: "You can call me whatever you want, but in my heart, I consider you my wife. You have your troubles, and so do I. I'm a cripple, I need help with everything, I have a bad temper, and I'm ruthless—things you dislike the most, I..."

Han Xiao's heart pounded wildly. She was filled with regret. She had intended to have a proper talk with him, but she couldn't make up her mind so quickly. Yet, she wasn't angry with him anymore. She wanted to tell him that she needed more time to overcome her problems, but how had she inexplicably made things so awkward? She was becoming more and more annoying.

Nie Chengyan wanted to be alone for a while, but he knew that if he didn't speak frankly today and let her leave, there would be no chance to win her back later. He tried to control his emotions and called out to her, "Xiaoxiao..." wanting to talk to her some more, but he saw her head down and tears streaming down her face. His heart tightened, and he pulled her into his arms, saying, "What's wrong? I'm not blaming you. I'm telling the truth. I really do have things that make me unworthy of you..."

Han Xiao shook her head, tears falling even more fiercely: "I hate myself."

"It's alright." He reached out to wipe away her tears. "I love what I love, and you can leave all the things you hate to me."

Han Xiao wrapped her arms around his neck, letting herself nestle in his embrace, but still shook her head: "Master, what should I do? I'm so scared, I'm really scared."

Nie Chengyan felt extremely sorry for her and hugged her tightly, coaxing her repeatedly: "What are you afraid of? I'm here, aren't I? I'm here, Xiaoxiao, it's my fault, it's all my fault, don't be afraid, I'm here."

Han Xiao kept crying. She was afraid they wouldn't be happy. She was afraid their two broken hearts could never be restored to their former state. She was afraid they would cling to their memories only to find that reality was no longer as beautiful as they had in their hearts.

"Xiaoxiao, Xiaoxiao..." Nie Chengyan held her, patted her back gently, and called her name. This long-lost warmth made Han Xiao feel tired. She cried and cried until she fell asleep.

Nie Chengyan couldn't stand up and couldn't gently move her to the bed without disturbing her sleep, but he didn't want to hand her over to someone else, so he could only force himself to sit in the chair holding her all night.

Regain Confidence

Nie Chengyan wasn't lying; his foot was indeed in terrible pain, and the weather turned gloomy the next day. Because he had been holding Han Xiao all night, his leg had been pressed down, and he had been sitting upright in a chair to support himself. The next day, his old ailment flared up, and he couldn't even sit up, so he had to lie in bed.

Han Xiao woke up early in Nie Chengyan's arms and realized she had acted inappropriately. Too embarrassed to look him in the eye, she hurriedly ran back to her room. Once she calmed down, she remembered Ji Hanxiao's illness and took Han Le for a walk. Then, feeling she had much to say to Feng Ning, she went to the Long residence alone. By the time she returned to the inn, it was almost dinnertime.

This time at the Long residence, Feng Ning didn't preach any grand principles. Instead, she told Han Xiao her story. Perhaps Han Xiao had a heart-to-heart talk with Nie Chengyan the night before, and was encouraged by Feng Ning's story, she was also able to clearly express her innermost thoughts. Feng Ning finally brought up that question again: "Are you more afraid of hurting him, or more afraid of hurting yourself?"

Han Xiao returned with this question in mind, thinking about it all the way. As she got closer and closer to the inn, and closer and closer to him, she suddenly felt that she had the answer. She ran back to the inn and excitedly went to the backyard, but was stopped by Huo Qiyang: "Master is resting, it's not good to disturb him."

Han Xiao was taken aback. She knew that Huo Qiyang would never have stopped her without Nie Chengyan's permission. This felt like a bucket of cold water had been poured over Han Xiao's head. She sheepishly returned upstairs, feeling increasingly uneasy. Had she angered him last night, causing him to act out today? Han Xiao locked herself in her room. Fortunately, Han Le had also gone out, so no one disturbed her.

Han Xiao finished her dinner alone in silence and went to bed early. The more she thought about it, the sadder she became. Just then, Huo Qiyang knocked on her door, saying that Nie Chengyan was looking for her. Upon hearing this, Han Xiao immediately said, "I'm going to bed."

She heard Huo Qiyang mumble a couple of times outside, seemingly wanting to say something but then backing away. Han Xiao, clutching her blanket, felt a surge of irritation. What was wrong with him? One moment he was warm towards her, the next he was cold. She tossed and turned, unable to sleep. Suddenly, she heard a light drizzle outside. Han Xiao realized what was happening, quickly dressed, slipped on her shoes, and ran downstairs.

She rushed to Nie Chengyan's door. Huo Qiyang peeked out from the corner of the yard, smiled and nodded when he saw her, then withdrew. Han Xiao pushed open the door and went inside. She saw Nie Chengyan lying on the bed. She closed the door and walked closer to get a better look. Just as she reached the bedside, he grabbed her wrist.

"Didn't you say you were asleep?" he asked in a plaintive tone, like a wronged child.

"Does your foot hurt?" Han Xiao tried to lift the covers to check his feet, but he pulled her towards the bed.

Han Xiao hurriedly called out, "Wait..." while quickly kicking off her shoes before he dragged her up. Nie Chengyan held her in his arms, sighed contentedly, and whispered, "It hurts, it hurts so much, but you don't even pay attention to me."

“I came to find you as soon as I got back, but you asked Brother Huo to stop me. You were the one who didn’t want to see me, but now you’re blaming me.”

Nie Chengyan hugged her tightly and rubbed against her, burying his head in her chest and saying in a muffled voice, "I'm afraid that if my leg problem flares up, you'll dislike me."

"I didn't."

"You ran off early this morning without even coming to see me. I clearly told you yesterday that my foot hurt, but you didn't seem to care. I waited for you all day, but you just wouldn't come back." He was extremely aggrieved.

Han Xiao felt guilty and honestly confessed, "I... I didn't notice that. I went to see that Miss Ji, she's feeling better, and then I went to see Fengfeng and chatted with her for a while. I didn't realize you were sick."

"Hmph, everyone is more important than me anyway." He complained, but held her tightly, unwilling to let go even for a moment.

Han Xiao gritted her teeth and mustered her courage to retort: "Then you also need to examine yourself. You always complain of pain, and if you complain too much, people won't be able to tell which time it's real and which time it's fake. And as soon as I came back, I came to find you, and you threw a tantrum..." She thought for a moment, pushed him, and asked: "Then why did you think of having Brother Huo call me later?"

Nie Chengyan muttered, "I want to spend my whole life with you. I can hide it from you this time, but I can't hide it from you next time. If you don't like it, it won't make a difference if you don't like it this time." He held her hand and touched it to his face, staring at her with his eyes, "Xiaoxiao, I wasn't afraid of you disliking me before, because if I was sick, you would definitely feel sorry for me. But it's different now."

Han Xiao's eyes welled up with tears, and she buried her head in his shoulder, listening as he continued, "You see, I was scared too. But more than being afraid that you'd dislike me, I'm afraid you won't even want to dislike me anymore. I was wrong before, I apologize to you, please come back?"

Han Xiao finally couldn't hold back her tears again, burying her face in his shoulder and nodding repeatedly. She had shed more tears in the past two years than she had in the previous eighteen years. While inwardly condemning her own weakness, Han Xiao said, "Master, be brave."

Nie Chengyan chuckled softly at her words, but his voice was choked with emotion as he spoke: "Xiaoxiao, you too, be brave."

Han Xiao was startled by his voice. She tried to look up but he held her tightly in his arms, preventing her from moving. She cried out, "Let me see you."

"No." He said these two words in a hoarse voice, then fell silent, holding her tightly. Han Xiao's heart softened. Was he also shedding tears? She stroked his back and nestled close to him.

After a long silence, Han Xiao asked softly, "Have you soaked your feet in medicine?"

"Yes, it's been soaked."

"Is it better now?"

"I feel much better when you're with me."

Han Xiao agreed and stayed with him quietly for a while before finally saying, "Let me take a look, okay?" Nie Chengyan thought for a moment and finally agreed. Han Xiao got up, lifted the blanket, and rolled up his trouser leg to take a closer look. His legs were much thinner than before and looked very unhealthy. No wonder he was trying to hide them from her.

Seeing that Han Xiao remained silent, Nie Chengyan stammered, "I'll really practice exercising my legs from now on. Please don't..." He ultimately didn't say the word "disgust," and Han Xiao pretended not to notice. She pressed on the acupoints of his legs, catching him off guard and causing him to gasp in pain. He knew she was annoyed, so she didn't hold back at all, but despite the pain in his legs, he felt a sense of relief.

Han Xiao held his foot, stretching, lifting, and pressing it as she treated him. The more she looked at him, the sadder she became. She said, "If you can't gain back all the weight you've lost, I won't want you anymore."

Nie Chengyan couldn't stop laughing: "You can come back, you can come back. You cook for me every day, you'll definitely come back. I love your cooking."

Han Xiao carefully moved his legs and feet, genuinely thinking about what to cook for him the next day. That night, Han Xiao didn't leave his room. The two talked a lot, some with self-blame, some with encouragement, some with confessions, some with complaints, but mostly with meaningless trivialities, and even discussed some perplexing medical cases they encountered.

That night, as Han Xiao nestled in Nie Chengyan's arms and drifted off to sleep, she vaguely felt as if she had returned to the past. She had learned medicine, she had fallen in love with Nie Chengyan, and she was so happy. In fact, all the obstacles were the same as now, but in the past she didn't think too much about them. She was just brave, and that made her happy.

"Master," she mumbled sleepily, trying to call out to him. He hummed in response, and she mumbled back, "Xiaoxiao." He gently patted her back, trying to lull her to sleep. And so, she truly fell asleep.

The next day, Han Xiao woke up refreshed, her face beaming with undisguised joy. She was busy making breakfast for Nie Chengyan, helping him change his clothes, taking care of him when he needed to use the toilet, combing his hair, and blushing as his gaze followed her.

She didn't know that Huo Qiyang, He Ziming, and Han Le were celebrating outside, celebrating the end of their nearly two years of hardship. She only knew that Nie Chengyan was in a good mood, and even the rain that lasted all day didn't make him frown. Seeing him so happy made her feel very pleased as well.

They agreed to find the Old Man of Clouds and Mist, and even if he remained stubborn and unable to give them his blessing, they hoped to hold the wedding in his presence. They also agreed to forget the unpleasantness and sorrow of the past few days, to disregard titles, social status, and each other's flaws…

Many things that were previously unspoken were now spoken out openly. Han Xiao promised that she would be brave, and Nie Chengyan also promised that he would stay by her side and urge her on, so that she could become the Han Xiao she loved again. The two were immersed in happiness.

Three days later, Han Xiao was in the house with Nie Chengyan. She was organizing medical notes, and he was looking at business files. It was a peaceful and harmonious atmosphere when Ji Hanyan suddenly came to see her. Han Xiao was startled. She had just visited Ji Hanyan yesterday, and her illness had clearly improved. As long as she continued to receive treatment and recuperation as instructed, she would recover completely. Now that her younger sister had come, had something happened to her?

Ji Hanyan seemed somewhat hesitant, but finally revealed the purpose of her visit: she had come to seek medical help for a friend from her family's brothel. "Our profession is indeed not respectable, but we are forced by circumstances. There are many women like us in the capital who are ashamed to speak of their illnesses and find it difficult to get treatment. Even if the matron takes pity and finds a doctor, those male doctors are either just going through the motions or their medical skills are inadequate. I know or have heard of several who have died. My sister is fortunate to have met the miraculous doctor, Miss Han, and she has shown improvement in the past few days. Other sisters in the brothel have heard about this and are begging Miss Han to save their lives as well." As she spoke, she knelt down and kowtowed.

Han Xiao bit her lip, but then heard Nie Chengyan say, "If you treat these, other prostitutes will definitely come to you for treatment. This kind of disease is not an isolated problem."

Han Xiao understood. In the past two years, she had traveled as a doctor and seen many cases. However, because she and Han Le were outnumbered and outmatched, and considering the practical situation and their own safety, she avoided treating some difficult patients. She treated prostitutes quietly, treating one at a time. If she were to treat many, there would be too many patients seeking her treatment. The reputation and risks would be too much for even a highly respected senior doctor, let alone a woman like her.

Han Xiao turned to look at Nie Chengyan. Now she had him; he had always supported her, always been there for her courage. Nie Chengyan thought for a moment, then asked Han Xiao only one question: "Do you want to treat them?"

"Yes," Han Xiao nodded vigorously, responding loudly. Everyone, regardless of poverty, status, or identity, deserves the opportunity to receive treatment; this is the duty of a healer. Her answer prompted Ji Hanyan to kowtow again in gratitude.

Nie Chengyan smiled and reached out to hold Han Xiao's hand: "So full of life, just like the Xiao Xiao I used to know. In that case, let's get treatment. You can do whatever you want, I'll take care of everything."

His words warmed Han Xiao's heart, and the phrase "it's the same Xiao Xiao I used to know" moved her even more. Forgetting that Ji Hanyan was still nearby, she threw herself onto Nie Chengyan's lap and nestled into his arms: "Master..."

Nie Chengyan stroked her hair and said, "Xiaoxiao, you are a good doctor. I've always known that you will become a good doctor."

Happy life

The treatment of the women in the brothel began under Nie Chengyan's arrangement. To protect Han Xiao, Nie Chengyan did not allow her to enter the brothel. Instead, as before, he found a small courtyard near the brothel and let the patients come to him. He assigned Han Xiao an assistant, arranged several guards, and specially allocated a lot of medicinal herbs for her. Han Le ran around organizing and arranging everything.

The news of a miraculous doctor treating prostitutes quickly spread among them. As Nie Chengyan had predicted, there were many brothels in the capital, and upon hearing the news, they spread the word rapidly, with people inquiring and seeking treatment. The day Han Xiao officially began treating the prostitutes was May 15th, the day the imperial physicians were providing free medical consultations to the people at Baifu Temple. Han Xiao missed the grand event she most wanted to see during her trip to the capital, but she wasn't disappointed at all.

More and more women came seeking treatment, keeping Han Xiao so busy that she didn't even have time to eat or drink. But good intentions don't always lead to good results. On the fifth day of her practice, a middle-aged woman came to her door, demanding that Han Xiao move into her brothel to treat the girls. Han Xiao refused, and the woman, taking advantage of her being from out of town, threw a tantrum, naturally getting kicked out by the guards. This commotion, however, was witnessed by the neighbors, and the story of Han Xiao treating prostitutes spread among the people.

Prostitutes are taboo subjects, and it's especially taboo for them to be sick. Whether it's a cold or just a broken leg, any discomfort they experience will lead ordinary people to speculate. Besides, most of the patients who come to her clinic have ailments they're too ashamed to talk about. As a result, Han Xiao's little courtyard was disliked, and many people would avoid it, as if even the area in front of her door was too dirty to step in.

Han Xiao's comings and goings were met with whispers and pointing fingers. Han Le was quite angry about this, but he couldn't stop people's thoughts. While feeling sorry for his sister, he couldn't help but blame Han Xiao for being too willful, and also felt that Nie Chengyan was too indulgent towards Han Xiao.

Han Le advised her sister to wear a veil when visiting the courtyard, but Han Xiao refused, saying, "I haven't done anything wrong. Hiding myself will only make me look guilty." Although she said this, she naturally felt uncomfortable being stared at like that the whole way. Han Le then suggested taking a carriage from now on, and Han Xiao nodded, but she still couldn't be happy.

When Han Xiao returned to the inn that day, Nie Chengyan noticed that she was in a bad mood. He asked, "Is there a patient you can't cure?" Han Xiao shook her head listlessly, fiddling with the odds and ends in her hands. Nie Chengyan looked at her for a while, then stretched out his arm to her: "Xiao Xiao, come here to me."

Han Xiao turned to look at him, bit her lip, and finally couldn't hide her sadness, so she threw herself into his arms and complained: "Master, it's just a matter of treating patients and saving lives, why do they look down on us?"

Nie Chengyan understood, and kissed the top of her head: "Didn't you already know about this situation before you did this?"

“But when it actually happens, I still feel bad.” She pouted, like a child: “Of course I don’t care, I just feel uncomfortable.”

Nie Chengyan smiled and asked, "So what do you plan to do?"

"Lele told me to take the carriage from now on, so they won't point at me like that."