"I've found myself having...different feelings for you. Perhaps my desire for you to live is selfish."
Qi Yi'an felt a subtle unease.
“It sounds morbid, doesn’t it?” Li Feiyan smiled bitterly. “But I always dream about you. For so many years, I’ve always dreamed about you.”
Qi Yi'an was instantly overwhelmed by a sudden surge of chaotic thoughts, her head throbbing. She looked in surprise at the woman sitting beside the bed. Her lips and eyes, the sensation of an embrace and kiss, the intertwining of skin to skin—within her, or the throbbing of being invaded by her, blood, violence…
What are all these things? Qi Yi'an, in a daze, unconsciously moved closer to Li Feiyan, as if trying to prove something. He drew ever closer, until he kissed her lips.
Author's Note:
I want to finish it in 40 chapters as soon as possible. I've been incredibly busy lately.
Chapter 39 Let's go have some fun...
She kissed her gently, so softly, so familiar, as if it had happened many times before, in many places. Li Feiyan was startled by the sudden kiss, the recurring dreams of the past few years, the familiar touch—all of it intoxicated her. She responded lightly to the slightly cool kiss.
The kiss deepened, growing more passionate. Qi Yi'an's breath grew hotter, while Li Feiyan's remaining rationality forced her to pull away from the lingering, seductive kiss. Standing a short distance away, in the dim light, she looked at the thin, pale, and beautiful woman before her, weakened by long-term illness, and wondered, "...Is this a dream?"
Qi Yi'an met her gaze tenderly and said softly, "I want to know too..." Then, without further ado, he kissed her. Li Feiyan couldn't help but deepen the kiss, making it grow ever stronger. Qi Yi'an reached out and wrapped his arms around Li Feiyan's waist.
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Li Feiyan was slightly startled by the cool fingertips, then felt the touch burning her body, arousing her intense sensation.
Qi Yi'an kissed her neck as his breathing grew heavier.
Lust acted like a hypnotic drug, temporarily numbing Qi Yi'an from his pain. His chaotic emotions and consciousness seemed to find a glimmer of light when he made love with Li Feiyan, and were gradually unraveled.
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Just then, there was a knock at the door. The nurse pushed the door open, poked half her body in, and asked, "Dr. Li?"
Li Feiyan quickly stopped what she was doing, calmed down, and replied in a calm voice, "Hmm? What's wrong?" Fortunately, she was sitting with her back to the door on the edge of Qi Yi'an's bed, and with the white coat covering her, it looked from behind that she was hugging Qi Yi'an and comforting him.
The young nurse, sensing she might have intruded into an atmosphere she shouldn't have, quickly explained, "Oh, it's nothing, I just wanted to let you know I'm off work and going home early today..."
"Hmm...you can go back now," Li Feiyan replied, forcing herself to remain calm. But Qi Yi'an didn't stop; that bite had almost made Li Feiyan groan. Only after the nurse closed the door again did she let out a long sigh.
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Li Feiyan blushed crimson; she was so embarrassed to be doing this in the hospital. But she couldn't deny her physical urges, so she had no choice but to let the person on top of her do as she pleased.
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"Ugh..." Qi Yi'an suddenly felt a pain in her shoulder and couldn't help but cry out. This pain and desire made her feel truly alive, strangely resonating with those dormant years. Her subconscious desperately wanted to hold onto this familiarity a little longer, like grabbing a rope in a deep well, eagerly wanting to climb towards the light at the exit.
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Li Feiyan closed her tired eyes, about to drift off to sleep.
She was on a picturesque seaside ranch, holding a blood-stained, rusty iron spike, plunging it into the throat of the person before her. Blood gushed out in an instant, splashing onto her face; it was still warm. She recognized the person falling before her... Qi Yi'an...
"Ah!" Li Feiyan opened her eyes instantly, looking at the person beside her. Her hand had somehow found its way to Qi Yi'an's neck, the tracheotomy scar right beneath it. That scene just now seemed familiar, like it had happened before...
Qi Yi'an's eyes were tightly closed, as if she were asleep, but her dreams seemed restless; her brows were furrowed. Li Feiyan gently touched the tear tracks at the corner of her eye, then pulled her close and hugged her. "I'm sorry..."
“If it’s so painful… then do what you want to do…” she said to her in a voice so low it was almost inaudible.
-----
"Xiaoxing, how about you and Uncle Lin go to Country E soon? We have some assets there that need to be dealt with, and it will be more convenient for you to go with Uncle Lin to handle the procedures." Qin Ruoshui gently rubbed Qin Xinglan's head.
"But what will happen to Auntie if I'm not here?" Qin Xinglan looked at her worriedly.
"It's okay, look, I'm almost discharged from the hospital, and I have Aunt Li, the caregiver, to help me. You can come back in a few days, okay?"
A few days later, Lin Yan had arranged the itinerary. Qin Ruoshui silently watched them leave, letting out a sigh of relief. She had experienced countless separations of life and death. Since this world was so cruelly unreal, what was there to cherish?
She went to the rooftop garden of the hospital and gazed at the city's night view. The higher she climbed, the colder it felt; this used to be her favorite vantage point, but the city's nightscape was now vastly different from nine years ago. A kitten nestled quietly on her lap, gently and obediently keeping her company. Qin Ruoshui lovingly stroked its warm, soft fur.
She met this kitten when she arrived in the evening; it had followed her all the way here. The kitten was very affectionate, always rubbing against her and meowing softly. "Then let's call you Pupu, okay?" Qin Ruoshui picked it up.
There's a breeze tonight, and the moon hides behind the ever-changing clouds, making the rooftop appear and disappear in the light.
Forget it, there's no point in continuing like this.
She wanted to enjoy her last night on Earth, to die peacefully in the quietest, darkest hour before dawn, before the sky had even lit up.
By jumping, at least Xiaoxing would receive an insurance payout, and the remaining property transfer procedures in Country E were already completed, which should be enough for her to settle down. Although Xiaoxing would surely hate her for leaving her alone in this world, Qin Ruoshui still wanted to be selfish one last time. The relief of death was her final freedom. Living like this, half-dead, was a meaningless waste of two lives.
The moon slowly moved eastward and was hidden behind the clouds. After an unknown amount of time, Qin Ruoshui laboriously turned her wheelchair forward to the edge of the rooftop. She gently rubbed Pupu's head and set him down in the wheelchair.
Goodbye, go have fun!
Chapter 40 Was I dreaming?
When she looked up again, a dark figure appeared in her peripheral vision. Qin Ruoshui was startled. It was a person, standing quietly on the edge of the rooftop, leaning on a cane with one hand, and a warm orange-red light emanating from the other hand, presumably a cigarette between her fingers. It was a woman with shoulder-length hair, wearing only a thin, loose-fitting light-colored hospital gown. Her clothes fluttered in the cold wind. The person was so thin that she seemed boneless, as if she might be blown off the building at any moment.
Qin Ruoshui remained silent in another dark corner, not approaching. Although she couldn't see the person's face clearly from the side and behind, she imagined that the person must be similarly emaciated and dejected as herself. This was the last time she had ever felt empathy, and a strange sense of comfort welled up within her.
Such a tragic death, it turns out, can still be accompanied by someone.
The man's frail body trembled in the cold wind. He casually tossed aside his walking stick, raised his hand, and took out something that looked like a syringe, injecting it into a vein in his other arm. After the injection, he looked up at the starry sky with a sigh of relief, his lips curving into a faint smile.
Qin Ruoshui caught a glimpse of a profile, but it wasn't quite right. It didn't matter; at this point, she didn't care about anything else.
Prepared for the person to disappear in the next second, she planned to watch her go first, and then follow closely behind. Her legs were weak, and the last step would likely take longer; she would have to use her upper body strength to crawl over.
At this moment, Pupu suddenly rushed forward excitedly. It chirped softly and urgently as it darted to the person's feet and used its paws and mouth to pull her trouser leg inward with all its might.
The man seemed startled, paused, and slowly turned back to look down at his feet.
cat…
Upon seeing the silhouette of the person after they turned around, Qin Ruoshui felt her heart suddenly race.
When the woman looked up again, she finally noticed another person sitting in the darkness. She paused slowly, facing the seated figure without speaking.
The wind was still blowing, and the moonlight slowly began to peek out.
Qin Ruoshui saw a face that was both strange and familiar emerge in the light, and without realizing it, she couldn't breathe.
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It was the face of a strange, pretty woman. Only, like her, she was emaciated to the point of being unrecognizable, her eyes and face sunken, pale and bloodless. Although she also looked haggard from illness, judging from her expression and demeanor, she was probably only around thirty years old.
Upon seeing Qin Ruoshui, the woman's eyes flashed with surprise for only half a second before returning to the same dim and empty look as Qin's. At this time, in this place, there was a shared despair. They all seemed destined to die. Nothing could bring any light.
Another gust of wind blew. The young woman bent down, pulled down Pupu's trouser leg, and pushed it towards Qin Ruoshui. She took a few more steps to the edge, then turned back to Qin Ruoshui, gave a slight nod and a faint smile, as if to say goodbye.
The woman's long, soft, black hair was slightly disheveled by the wind, giving her a delicate and aloof appearance. Her lips were pale and chapped, and she looked at Qin Ruoshui with a faint smile, her gaze deep and unfathomable, filled with a hint of apology and sadness. Qin Ruoshui, who hadn't been able to see her clearly in the darkness, was now stunned. Her eyes were beautiful, and filled with sorrow.
Her heart, which had been numb for a long time, suddenly clenched and ached, as if it had just awakened from so many years of slumber. Qin Ruoshui clutched her chest and gasped for breath in pain.
What is she thinking?
This scene, this person... I feel like I've seen them before... Was it in a dream...?
Qin Ruoshui's pain intensified, tears welling up and streaming down her face. He wanted to go forward, to reach out and tuck her disheveled hair behind her ear so he could see her face clearly. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stand up.
The pain in her heart continued to pound, and Qin Ruoshui gasped for breath, then burst into uncontrollable laughter. She looked at the woman, tears streaming down her face as she laughed.
Subconsciously, there was a sense of joy, as if I had finally found a treasure I had been searching for for so long. Even though it was already worn and damaged, unrecognizable from its original form, I was still happy. Even if the heartache was unbearable.
Seeing the strange woman who suddenly appeared clutch her chest and gasp for breath, then stare at her intently, smiling and crying, the woman was probably puzzled and became stunned.
The woman felt a slight dampness on her stiff, slightly bent hands. She looked down, then raised her hand to touch her cheek, only to realize that tears were streaming down her face without her noticing.
Is this a case of mutual sympathy before death?
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and stepped back towards the edge behind her. After the injection, all her emotions seemed to be isolated outside a transparent glass wall.
It's not important, don't dwell on it.
Qin Ruoshui stretched out her withered arm and opened her lips as if to call out to her, but she suddenly realized that she did not actually know the name of this strange woman after uttering just one syllable.
She found herself muttering, frantically and uncontrollably, "No...no..."
It's good to be alive, it's good to be alive.
...One second, two seconds.
"No!!!" Just as the woman's feet were about to dangle in the air and fall, she screamed hoarsely with all her might, lunged at her, grabbed her thin, weak legs, and, with her full weight and momentum, fell towards the inside of the rooftop. The two crashed heavily onto the concrete floor of the rooftop.
Her head throbbed with pain, and apart from her lower body being numb, her entire body ached terribly. Qin Ruoshui endured the pain, breathing heavily, and struggled to crawl to the woman's side, using her hands for support. She pulled her coat over both of them, and under the coat, she trembled as she clung tightly to the woman, preventing her from breaking free.
Don't leave.
The woman clutched her head tightly with both hands, her whole body trembling and curled up, her face streaked with tears. She was probably too weak to move from the pain and cold. Her lips parted as she gasped for breath, her voice trembling as if in a silent scream. Her eyes were bloodshot and empty, filled with unbearable agony. Qin Ruoshui held her tightly, sobbing uncontrollably, her hands trembling as she gently stroked and patted the woman's hair, neck, and back. Until the woman quietly lost consciousness in her arms, her breathing gradually calming down.
The sky was already beginning to lighten, and Qin Ruoshui, feeling the light gradually enveloping her, slowly closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.
-----
When she woke up again, she didn't know how much time had passed. She was covered in warm, clean blankets, and the back of her hands felt cool. Qin Ruoshui opened her eyes and saw the IV drip hanging above her.
…Sigh…Are you still alive?…I want to die.
The movement of her waking up startled Qin Xinglan, who was asleep on the edge of the bed. She wearily lifted her head, her eyes and nose red and swollen, as if she had just been crying for a long time. She had only been abroad a short time when she heard the news of Qin Ruoshui's suicide attempt, and rushed back day and night. She rushed forward and hugged Qin Ruoshui tightly, sobbing uncontrollably, "Auntie, please don't do it again, okay? If even you leave, I'll be all alone in this world. I'll try my best to take good care of you, please don't scare me anymore, okay?"
Qin Ruoshui was held in a daze. After she came to her senses, her eyes reddened again, but she couldn't say a word. She could only close her eyes wearily to escape reality.
Looking back on that night feels like a dream, so unreal. In the end, I couldn't bring myself to die, and somehow I ended up hindering someone else's release. If I see that person again, I should apologize. Reality is reality, and upon waking, the pain still washes over me.
Is that person... real?
After examining her condition, Dr. Li added, "Ms. Qin, when we found you early the day before yesterday, your limbs were already frozen and you had a high fever. Your body is already very weak, and if it continues like that, it will be life-threatening. Please don't do that again."
“…I’m sorry…” She lowered her eyes, touched Qin Xinglan’s face, and said apologetically in a low voice.
After Dr. Li finished speaking, she turned to check on another patient. Before she could leave the room, Qin Ruoshui quickly asked, "Excuse me, about that person from that day..."
Li Feiyan turned around, remaining silent.
“…”
"The person you were holding tightly in your arms is still unconscious." The doctor's voice was cold and inhuman.