If we're talking about managerial talent, I have Qin Shi Huang right here. But this fat guy is addicted to games every day, obsessed with mushroom-popping and Double Dragon, and drags Ersha around playing them all the time. However, he always plays Contra by himself, because Ersha keeps borrowing his characters after he dies.
I have Li Shishi, a public relations expert. She does seem to have forgotten about Jin Shaoyan, but I can't use her for now. Sending her to work in a black coal mine is not her specialty; at worst, she'll be sold to the far northwest by human traffickers.
Xiang Yu had been coveting Xiao Wang's bread for quite some time, and Liu Bang really wanted to help him this time, teaching him how to bribe Xiao Wang. Fortunately, Xiang Yu was a man of true kingly charisma and disdained such things—besides, he had no money.
As for Liu Bang, that kid is infuriating. He doesn't help me with anything at all, and every day he goes to the senior center on time to extort money from the old ladies for groceries. Several times, while I was cooking, the old ladies would come upstairs, chat for a bit, and then steal a few cucumbers or a handful of cilantro. Afterwards, they'd turn around and glare at me, as if I'd instigated Liu Bang to steal their money. Old Zhao, on the other hand, quite enjoys chatting with Liu Bang. He used to love the storytelling and ballad singing "The Uprising After Slaying the White Snake," but after Liu Bang told him the story in the first person, he stopped listening to ballad singing and ballad singing altogether.
A week passed peacefully, and I started asking around for vacant rooms in a slightly remote area, preferably with a yard. But as soon as people heard there were 300 people who needed accommodation, they all shook their heads. One kind person even earnestly advised me: "Running a pyramid scheme can land you in jail."
I was so worried, so depressed, I was pulling my hair out. I dug out all the yearbooks, diaries, and phone books I'd kept since elementary school graduation, trying to find something useful. There was a lot of useful information: Xia Le borrowed 30 cents from me in second grade and hadn't paid it back; I covered for Xu Jia when he was late as the class monitor; someone else's kid stepped on and killed my pet rat snake. I even found an old love letter in a phone book. A female classmate named Zhu Chengbi, whose origins I don't remember, seemed to have feelings for me. There was even a phone number listed, which I called, but it was long gone.
Baozi rarely saw me so focused, so she washed two radishes for me as a reward. After devouring both radishes, I felt refreshed, though my stomach was churning. I put down my rambling account and, responding to Baozi's call, set the table for dinner. Before everyone had even arrived and sat down, I let out a loud fart.
Qin Shi Huang said with displeasure, "Ugh—you coward, you're disgusting!" Li Shishi smiled faintly, covering her mouth as usual. Just then, a faint rumbling sound came from below our house. Xiang Yu exclaimed, "The power of a fart is so great?"
Before he finished speaking, the whole house began to shake violently, accompanied by a rumbling sound. We all started to lose our balance. First, the electric fan fell to the ground, then the water glasses on the windowsill fell one by one. I saw the outside world trembling violently, and a person riding a bicycle steadily was pulled into a serpentine descent by this enormous force.
At the same time, I saw everyone in the room's expression change drastically. Baozi hugged me tightly, Qin Shihuang subconsciously slipped one glove into Jing Ke's arm, Xiang Yu was in a horse-riding crouching position, looking like he was about to fight someone to the death, Li Shishi grabbed Liu Bang tightly nearby, but Liu Bang suddenly darted under the table.
The process lasted seven or eight seconds, yet felt like an eternity. When everything calmed down, we remained in the same positions as before. Then, someone outside finally shouted, "Earthquake! Earthquake!" People across the street began rushing out of their buildings, a cacophony of women's screams and children's cries. It was particularly touching to see the elderly; although they were among the last to emerge from their buildings, they were always accompanied by young people protecting them.
We remained silent, and no one tried to run outside. It was Liu Bang who broke the silence. He peeked out from under the table, looked at me, and said, "You still lied to me and said you weren't a god!"
Qin Shi Huang said blankly, "Qiangzi, you're starving!"
Li Shishi's mind went blank for a long time. From the moment she arrived, she had a deep understanding of me and the world I lived in. She had long since abandoned all the supernatural theories. Earthquakes have existed since ancient times, but the fact that they fit perfectly with my fart was something she couldn't quite understand for the time being.
At this moment, heroes and emperors are different again. Jing Ke had been listening intently to the broadcast the whole time; the earthquake hadn't frightened him at all. But now that the earth had calmed down, he smiled ingratiatingly at me, as if only blaming me for not informing him before making such a commotion. Xiang Yu bowed halfway to me and said sincerely, "A thousand armies are no match for a cockroach's fart; I, Xiang, am utterly convinced!"
I clutched the steamed bun, almost bursting into tears. Half of it was from fear, and the other half was also from fear, but half from the earthquake I'd never experienced before, and the other half from their comments. Now it seemed no matter how I explained, they wouldn't believe me. Judging from their expressions, they seemed quite proud to know me after their initial shock. If this got around, rumors could spread like wildfire, and who knows, some people might actually believe it.
Xiao Qiang, the manager of pawnshop number several, farted and a strong earthquake struck the city. If I weren't Xiao Qiang, I would have spread the word too. Then, what if it alerted the National Security Bureau? What crime would that be? At the very least, it would be damaging someone's property and disrupting public order, right? To put it more seriously, it would constitute treason—of course, we should trust the government, and the above scenario is pure nonsense.
Even a folk tale is unbearable! Xia Le, who owes me 3 mao, was called "Fart Basket" by us for a whole semester just because he farted loudly in class.
I was depressed, I was worried, I was pulling my hair out. I said to them very seriously, "Don't tell anyone about what just happened."
This sentence had the final say, and even Li Shishi started to doubt the value of my fart. Ersha said mysteriously, "Don't worry, I don't tell just anyone." Who would believe him? Who was it that led the charge in ruining my 2 million yuan listening bottle last time?
Qin Shi Huang said excitedly, "Back then, I unified the six kingdoms because of you... Oh, how wonderful!"
Liu Bang crawled out from under the table and said to me very seriously, "I will never walk behind you again."
Baozi nestled in my arms, but said a little angrily, "You can't keep fooling around. Let's see what we should do."
I couldn't concentrate on anything else, I just regretted eating those two radishes!
Chapter Thirty-Seven: Aftershocks and Turmoil
Ten minutes later, a jumble of noise came from Ersha's transistor radio. A deep, somewhat tense male announcer said, "Attention all citizens! Attention all citizens! A 6.7 magnitude earthquake has just struck our city. The epicenter is in Yaocun, causing some houses to collapse. There are currently no reports of casualties. The municipal government is organizing disaster relief teams. Please do not panic. The following is a broadcast of earthquake precautions and emergency measures..."
I rushed into Jing Ke's room and turned on the stereo. The precautions were concise, including what to prepare during the earthquake and where to hide during an earthquake. I'll also briefly mention some basic knowledge here: there are three golden hiding places during an earthquake: a small toilet, under a table, and a corner. My understanding is that you should think of yourself as a pervert; look at how well Liu Bang did it!
Half an hour after the broadcast, many inexplicable items began to sell out throughout the city, including lighters (which could be buried in bricks to provide light and also to light cigarettes for entertainment), whistles (which could be buried in bricks to be blown so that people could find you), knives (whose purpose was unknown, perhaps for self-mutilation? How terrifying!), and flashlights. Long queues formed outside the steamed bun vendors, followed by bread, biscuits, and instant noodles, which were all snapped up. Many people went straight to the grain stores.
Looking at the panicked people outside the window, Qin Shi Huang said to me with great dissatisfaction, "Du Si, what a mess you've made!" Seeing that Baozi wasn't there, I jumped up and cursed, "Now you know how to love the people? Who built the Great Wall?" Suddenly, a thought struck me: the so-called Meng Jiangnu crying down the Great Wall, was it because her first wails happened to coincide with an earthquake? If that's the case, we'd be quite a good match, except she has a better reputation than me.
Baozi inspected the room and said to me with a worried look, "There's a crack in the wall of my and Xiaonan's bedroom. We have enough rice and flour to last a week, but I'm worried about not being able to buy vegetables."
I shouted, "Brother Yu, let's go grab rice, noodles, and cabbages from the brothers!"
Liu Bang suddenly said in a sinister tone, "Natural disasters and man-made calamities mean that anyone who engages in price gouging should be executed without mercy. If I were to handle this matter, I would make an example of one to deter others and stabilize public sentiment—when do you think the mahjong parlors can reopen?"
Subsequent events proved that Liu Bang was indeed somewhat astute in his overall assessment of the situation. The government quickly introduced policies to strictly prohibit price gouging. Initially, the measures were repeatedly ignored, but after two grain and oil shops were shut down, order began to return to normal. Large supermarket chains like Auchan, Renrenle, and Carrefour, which were generally experienced in dealing with similar incidents, kept prices under control and, after several shopping peaks, finally began to return to normal.
Only after people were free from worries about their livelihood did they begin to worry about future safety. The radio broadcast said that while aftershocks were possible, they were unlikely to exceed the intensity of the first earthquake. The broadcast also advised that the best safety measure was to sleep under the bed, and families with the means could sleep in the toilet. It did not recommend building earthquake shelters or camping outdoors.
This last point seems to serve as a reminder that camping tents and sleeping bags are selling out. Parks and school playgrounds were instantly filled with all kinds of tents.
The damage to houses caused by this earthquake was actually quite minor; most buildings not constructed in recent years were undamaged. However, many panicked people preferred to sleep in tents, and most of them were wealthy. The casualty figures for this incident have also been released: a total of 14 people died, mostly farmers from Yaocun village. Nine were instantly killed by collapsing buildings, and several were trapped inside. In contrast, a guy who had just moved from the second floor to the 18th floor was half-asleep at noon when he heard someone shouting "earthquake!" and jumped out of the window without thinking… There was also a minor incident: a young man went to get a tattoo, intending to have a sword tattooed, but due to the earthquake, the technician's hand trembled and drew a long, wavy line instead. The young man was quite philosophical about it, saying, "Then tattoo it as a golden snake sword."
Apart from key departments like the Public Security Bureau, waterworks, and power plants, students and most factories are temporarily closed. This year, there is no limit to the number of outstanding teachers in our city. Every teacher who did not prioritize their own escape and send students to safety during the earthquake, including those teaching minor subjects, is an outstanding teacher.
This happened more than half a month after Jin Shaoyan left. That kid is lucky; he didn't have to worry about being scared twice.
Now, safety has become a priority for me. As Confucius said, "A wise man does not stand under a crumbling wall." It wouldn't be right to leave these people to fend for themselves in this cracked house without even consulting them. When I asked them if they wanted to move out to a tent, they all asked me in unison, "Are you still going to set it up?"
My only thought at that moment was to fart again in front of them to prove my innocence. But a fart is a gas; you can't just let it out whenever you want, or make it sound whenever you want. Holding it in isn't hard, but forcing it out is very difficult. I shouted at the top of my lungs, "The earthquake has absolutely nothing to do with my farting!"
The men exchanged bewildered glances. Qin Shi Huang said, "Don't go around spreading this nonsense. Look how scared Qiangzi is." Liu Bang nodded, "Yes, it's best if we don't bring this up again in the future. Let's pretend we don't know anything." Xiang Yu said, "Let it go, what's there to be afraid of?"
I gave up on explaining, turned a beer bottle upside down on the windowsill, turned around and saw Jing Ersha looking eager to try it, sighed, and simply threw the bottle aside. So be it, I'd accept dying with them.
Just then, Liu Laoliu's voice called out to me loudly from downstairs. I ran out in a flash and saw Liu Laoliu riding a Piao brand electric bike, one foot on the ground, a 18-yuan Lanzhou cigarette dangling from his mouth. I said, "Hey, struck it rich?"
Liu Laoliu squinted at me, nodded, took the cigarette from his mouth, and said, "Not bad. The park is full; people are bored and come to me for fortune telling. This car belongs to a fellow fortune teller. I'm here to remind you to be prepared; those 300 members of Yue Fei's army will be here in three days. I need to hurry back; I'm still in line. Besides, if I don't get back soon, the car owner might call the police."
"Didn't you agree to borrow it from someone else?"
“I asked him to borrow the ear pick from my keychain, but I didn’t ask to borrow the car too.”
I grabbed him: "You can deliver people to me, but you have to deliver them to the place I specify. Can you do that?"
Liu Laoliu waved his hand: "It's impossible, there are fixed teleportation points."
I swallowed my anger and said, "Then you'll have to come later. You can't bring a whole battalion of soldiers here in broad daylight, can you?"
Liu Laoliu thought for a moment and said, "I'll give it a try. Is there anything else?" He looked at me and said, "I'm holding your hand tightly."