Chen Yunqi rubbed his furrowed brows, sighed silently, picked up the glass of water that San San had poured and drank several large gulps. He put the glass down and said to San San, "Go do your homework. I'll order you some pizza later."
San San hummed in agreement and turned to leave. Chen Yunqi's tense nerves finally relaxed slightly after hearing him gently close the study door. After another long silence, he finally mustered the courage to look directly into Yu Xiaosong's eyes and hesitantly opened his mouth.
"Xiaosong..."
"Go ahead and tell me."
Yu Xiaosong and he spoke almost simultaneously, both seemingly taken aback by the other's initiative, and both froze. After a moment, Chen Yunqi continued, "Xiaosong, why are you back? Aren't you going to school?"
“I dropped out of school,” Yu Xiaosong replied casually. “I came back whenever I wanted. I thought I could do that, just like you, doing whatever you want, going wherever you want, not working when you don’t want to work, going to teach in rural areas when you say you want to.” He chuckled, it was unclear whether he was mocking himself or Chen Yunqi. “Just as willful as you, aren’t you?”
Chen Yunqi couldn't understand what he was feeling guilty about, or what he was in the wrong about. He simply accepted Yu Xiaosong's sarcastic remarks without arguing, just like before. Seeing that he was still unmoved by either soft or hard tactics, Yu Xiaosong became angry and asked through gritted teeth, "Chen Yunqi, are you really not going to explain yourself?"
"I have nothing to explain. What do you want to hear?" Chen Yunqi habitually took out a cigarette, but when he tried to light it, he couldn't find a lighter. So he just kept tapping the cigarette on the table, pressing the tobacco down endlessly.
"Chen Yunqi," Yu Xiaosong desperately resisted the urge to snatch the cigarette from his hand and crush it, and said his name word by word, "For over twenty years, you told me you weren't gay. You could dislike me, you could not want me, but what are you and him? I've stayed by your side for twenty years, and I can't even get a sincere explanation from you?"
Chen Yunqi stared at the cigarette in his hand, as if lost in memories. After a long while, he finally managed to gather his thoughts and said in a low voice, "Okay, I'll tell you. I'll give you an explanation."
"His name is San San, a child from the mountains. I met him when I went to teach in a rural area..."
Yu Xiaosong listened to Chen Yunqi's story with mixed feelings. He was speechless, stunned by the extraordinary events that had befallen Chen Yunqi, and even moved by his sincere love for San San. He had never seen Chen Yunqi like this before. In just one year, Chen Yunqi seemed like a completely different person. Besides his usual aloof demeanor, he had gained a touch of warmth and humanity. When he talked about the villagers and the children, Yu Xiaosong felt as if he had been transported to that mysterious Yi village, seeing the vivid faces of the Yi people. Listening to his encounter, separation, and reunion with San San, Yu Xiaosong finally realized that the child in the room, whom he had once teased and rendered helpless with just a glance, had won over his lover with a truly pure and innocent heart.
Yu Xiaosong fell silent again, until he heard Chen Yunqi say that he had truly fallen in love with San San and that he only realized his sexual orientation after meeting her. He then covered his face in despair, sighed deeply, and choked out, "Don't say anymore..."
“Xiaosong, I’ve known you since I was six. You probably know me better than my family. You’re right, I have personality flaws. I’m willful and selfish. I don’t understand love and I don’t know how to love. I always deal with your feelings by avoiding them. I feel like I owe you and have let you down. All I can do is apologize to you… You’re so good to me, but I can’t find myself in you.”
“I don’t want to say sorry anymore,” Chen Yunqi said, as if she had let go of a burden and gradually opened her heart. “I know this is cruel to you, but when I really fell in love with someone, I understood why I couldn’t accept your feelings. Xiaosong, I understand that love is not an obsession, nor is it foolish courage. You should know that you can live without me, but San San really can’t… He taught me all of this. We are each other’s only one.”
Twenty years hadn't changed Xiao Song's appearance much, just as his unwavering devotion and stubbornness towards Chen Yunqi remained. He still had the same baby face as when he was young, with his unchanging shrewdness and cunning, and a pure heart that loved passionately and hated thoroughly. He interrupted Chen Yunqi again, saying, "Stop talking... Chen Yunqi... don't say anymore..."
“I should go,” he said, reaching for the now-cold cup of coffee. He tilted his head back and swallowed it down along with his bitter tears. He stood up, looked out the window, and said to Chen Yunqi, “It’s going to rain. Will you see me off?”
There was no point in saying anything more, so Chen Yunqi agreed without hesitation and got up to go to the study to inform San San. Yu Xiaosong walked into the bedroom, opened the wardrobe door, and pulled aside the clothes that were obviously several sizes too small. He found the things he had left behind when he left, and took one last look around the room, which was now filled with traces of another person's life. He was so numb that he couldn't even feel the pain.
He went into the bathroom and washed his face with cold water. Looking up at his red eyes in the mirror, he finally burst into tears without warning, using the sound of the water as cover.
When Chen Yunqi pushed open the door, San San was still slumped over his desk, lost in thought. Hearing the noise, he immediately picked up his pen and pretended to do some homework, but Chen Yunqi saw right through him. He walked behind San San, bent down and hugged him, whispering in his ear, "Xiao Song is leaving. I'm going to see him off. Be a good boy and wait for me at home, okay?"
San San didn't turn around to look at him, she just nodded slightly.
“San San, I love you,” Chen Yunqi kissed the back of his head and pressed his shoulder with his large palm, as if to reassure him. San San hesitated for a moment, then finally said almost inaudibly, “Brother, it’s going to rain outside. Drive carefully. I’ll wait for you to come home.”
Just as they were about to leave, Aunt Li arrived, carrying a bag full of groceries. She bumped into Yu Xiaosong, who was standing at the door, and Chen Yunqi, who was putting on his shoes. Completely oblivious to the awkward atmosphere in the room, Aunt Li wiped the sweat from her brow and exclaimed, "Hey! You're home! Didn't you say you weren't coming home for dinner today?"
Without waiting for Chen Yunqi's response, she carried the groceries into the kitchen, muttering as she put them in the refrigerator, "Oh dear, the weather forecast says it'll rain for days, so I quickly bought the groceries to put away. Xiao Chen, are you cooking tonight? Are we having guests? I should cook more, right? Hey? Who cooked this? And added eggs..."
Aunt Li put her things down and poked her head out again, asking, "Where's San San? Doing homework again? This child, not even resting on the weekend. I've bought all the groceries you asked me to buy, and I even found a few recipes. I guarantee that after eating them, San San's brain will be sharp immediately, and she'll be number one in the next exam!"
Yu Xiaosong gripped the suitcase handle, his face expressionless. Chen Yunqi, unsure whether to invite him to stay for dinner, interrupted Aunt Li, saying, "You do, I..."
Before he could finish speaking, Yu Xiaosong had already opened the door and walked out. Chen Yunqi hurriedly followed, saying without turning his head, "I'll be back to eat later. Remember to make soup for San San."
As the car drove out of the underground parking lot, the downpour began. Raindrops pounded fiercely against the windshield, completely blurring visibility within seconds. Listening to the deafening thunder, Chen Yunqi wanted to call San San to comfort him and tell him not to be afraid, but with Yu Xiaosong still beside him, he couldn't bear to do anything to upset him. So, silently worrying about San San, he drove Yu Xiaosong towards the airport.
There were few cars on the road, and everyone tacitly turned on their hazard lights in the rain, looking out for each other as they drove. Yu Xiaosong looked at the gently swaying plush lamb and remembered that when he traveled to Japan, he had gotten a good luck charm for Chen Yunqi at a temple, asking him to hang it in his car for protection. However, Chen Yunqi insisted on not having any decorations in the car and refused to accept it no matter what.
Yu Xiaosong stared at the lamb in a daze, and suddenly felt that the fluffy ball of fur looked hideous, turning into a twisted monster with two round eyes and a mouth with a red line, laughing at him madly.
The pent-up emotions, fueled by that silent mockery, surged back into his head—the changes in Chen Yunqi's family, Aunt Li's eager expression, and the grievances he had suffered for twenty years, all instantly transformed into a sharp blade, piercing and tearing through his heart, severing his last shred of reason. He suddenly lost control, pounding on the car door, gasping, "Stop the car! Stop the car!!"
Chen Yunqi was startled. He gripped the steering wheel tightly, stared straight ahead, and turned his head slightly to ask, "What's wrong, Xiaosong?"
"Stop! Stop!!" Yu Xiaosong's eyes glazed over. He reached out and unbuckled his seatbelt, arching his back and covering his face as he shouted.
Chen Yunqi tried to reach out to calm him down, but he couldn't stop the boy's swaying body. He could only steady himself and calmly say to him, "Xiaosong, calm down. We're on the highway, it's too dangerous. Stop messing around. Where do you want to go? Let's stop the car and talk about it, okay?"
"Chen Yunqi! Why! Why did this happen!" Yu Xiaosong cried out inconsolably, "I can't go back! I can't go back, do you know that! I've already come out to my family! For you! You only see that others need you! What about me? I need you too! I love you! I love you no less than him! Why isn't it me? Why is it never me?! I don't understand! I don't understand what you're saying! I don't want to understand! Don't I understand enough already?!"
Seeing a ramp leading off the highway ahead, Chen Yunqi quickly turned the steering wheel and drove towards the exit.
"Xiaosong, calm down. It's all my fault. I'll find a place to stop now."
There are many hotels near the airport. Chen Yunqi randomly found one, drove up to the door without hesitation, turned off the engine, got out of the car and threw the keys to the doorman. Then he dragged Yu Xiaosong, who was trembling and slurring his words, out of the passenger seat and carried him into the lobby in full view of everyone.
Due to the torrential rain, a large number of passengers were stranded at the airport, and hotels were overcrowded. Chen Yunqi paid for the last suite and, with the help of the hotel staff, helped Yu Xiaosong into the room.
After confirming that the guest did not need to call 120 or any other services, the waiter closed the door and left. Chen Yunqi helped Yu Xiaosong sit on the sofa and was about to turn around to insert the card when Yu Xiaosong grabbed his arm.
Yu Xiaosong used Chen Yunqi's arm for support to stand up, hugged him tightly, and kissed him passionately. Ignoring Chen Yunqi's attempts to dodge, he held onto his neck tightly, biting and kissing him wildly, crying out between kisses, "Chen Yunqi, why don't you like me? What's wrong with me?!"
Afraid of hurting him, Chen Yunqi dared not use brute force, and could only desperately turn his head to avoid his kiss, saying in a panic, "Xiaosong, don't do this...please don't do this! Be rational...Xiaosong!"
Yu Xiaosong had lost his mind. For years, Chen Yunqi had always avoided his advances, and he was used to it. But this was the first time he had so forcefully and shamelessly thrown himself into Chen Yunqi's arms, as if desperately trying to prove something. Yu Xiaosong wasn't much shorter than Chen Yunqi, and his physique and strength were no less than Chen Yunqi's. He first pushed Chen Yunqi onto the bed, and taking advantage of Chen Yunqi's reluctance to hurt him, he quickly tore open his shirt and pounced on him to undo Chen Yunqi's belt.
"Look at me... What's wrong with me? Don't you like me? I admit I want to sleep with you, but you like guys like him, don't you? You like his young and cute type? I can..."
Yu Xiaosong pressed down on Chen Yunqi, frantically caressing his entire body with his hands, one hand reaching inside Chen's clothes to grasp and knead his firm, taut muscles as if possessed. It was the body he had longed for day and night; his unfulfilled desires consumed all his moral boundaries like a raging fire, burning him to the bone and leaving him utterly deranged.
"What do you like to hear him call you? What positions do you like? I can do that too... Is he soft? You can try, I'm no worse than him... What does he call you? Brother, right? If you like, I can call you that too, brother..."
Chen Yunqi was being driven crazy by Yu Xiaosong, and he wished he could slap him to bring him back to his senses.
"Yu Xiaosong!!" Seeing that he was about to tear his collar, Chen Yunqi could no longer bear it. He pushed him away forcefully, flipped over and straddled his waist, held his hands down and leaned down to say sternly, "Yu Xiaosong! Wake up!"
The lightning flashed outside the window, reflecting on Xiaosong's tear-streaked face. His expression was contorted as he wept, his eyes unfocused as he groaned, "Why... Chen Yunqi... why can't you love me... I really love you so much..."
"Xiaosong, I don't love you. I've never loved you. Why can't you let go? Please let me go..." Chen Yunqi felt sorry for him looking like this. Thinking of all the things he had done to her over the years, she couldn't help but shed tears, which fell onto his face and mingled with his own tears, hot and burning.
"Xiaosong, let go..."
After being forcibly suppressed for half an hour, Yu Xiaosong finally calmed down. Chen Yunqi released him, got up, inserted the power card, turned on the bedside lamp, straightened his clothes, and sat on the sofa by the bed, silently watching him without saying a word.
Yu Xiaosong was momentarily blinded by the sudden light, and as his senses gradually returned, he was too ashamed to lift his head. He sat hunched over the headboard, hugging his knees, his head buried in his arms, and remained silent for a long time before finally speaking: "Chen Yunqi, do you know? This past year, I had two boyfriends abroad. Not only could I not truly love them, but even having sex with them felt like betraying you... I thought I hadn't persisted enough, that it wasn't too late to come back now, but I was wrong..."
Chen Yunqi got up, grabbed a bottle of mineral water, and handed it to Yu Xiaosong, but Yu Xiaosong didn't take it. He had no choice but to put it aside and, looking at Yu Xiaosong's lonely figure, said, "Yu Xiaosong, I have to go. I will always consider you my only and best friend. Take care."
"Go..." Yu Xiaosong looked up at him, tears glistening in her eyes, and said, "I know. All these years, I've only been taking from you, while he truly depends on you and needs you. It's not that you can't love; you just desperately need to protect someone, to protect someone weak and helpless, to release your love, just like your grandfather protected you. That person isn't me... Go..."
"Take the key... I won't be going back..."
"No need," Chen Yunqi picked up his wallet and phone from the floor, placed the room key on the bedside table, and said to Xiaosong, "You're an adult now, take care of yourself. Goodbye, Xiaosong."
The radio host was urgently reporting the typhoon's landfall. Chen Yunqi sped along the highway in the dead of night with his high beams on. Exhausted and eager to get home, he exceeded the speed limit for the first time, wishing he could sprout wings and fly through the rain and fog back to San San's side.
As the torrential rain lashed the road and the fuel warning light went off, Chen Yunqi finally spotted the parking lot entrance sign. Just as he was about to slow down and turn, he suddenly recognized a figure holding an umbrella on the roadside ahead, standing helplessly in the downpour, wearing his dark gray windbreaker, amidst the rapidly swaying windshield wipers.
Chen Yunqi slammed on the brakes and stopped at the roadside. He got out of the car and rushed into the rain, sprinting towards the figure. The rain obscured his vision, but relying on instinct, he ran over and hugged the soaking wet San San tightly, shouting in his ear, "San San! What are you doing here?! What are you doing?!"
San San's faint response was almost inaudible in the howling wind and rain.
"elder brother..."
San San, already in tears, clung tightly to Chen Yunqi's neck, sobbing as he said, "I'm scared..."
"I'm afraid that once you leave, you'll never come back..."
Chapter Seventy-Four: Never Apart
In the torrential rain, San San was like a swaying sapling, tossed about by the fierce winds, barely able to stand. The rainfall brought by the typhoon was so heavy that an umbrella was completely useless; he was soaked to the bone, as if he had just been pulled from a river, his lips were purple with cold, and his whole body was shivering uncontrollably. Rainwater streamed down his cheeks, soaking his thick, dark eyebrows and eyes, making him look even paler and more helpless.
Chen Yunqi was soaked to the bone. He held San San tightly and stood steadily in the wind, shielding him from the wind and rain with his body. He wanted to say something to comfort him, but as soon as he opened his mouth, the wind rushed into his lungs, making it hard for him to breathe.
San San clung tightly to Chen Yunqi's collar, sobbing uncontrollably in his arms. Hearing her distressed and aggrieved cries, Chen Yunqi's heart broke, and tears welled up silently along with his own, a bitter ache spreading through him. He realized with a start that he had broken two hearts overnight, failing to resolve Yu Xiaosong's inner turmoil and neglecting to protect and care for San San. If it weren't for San San, he would have wanted to stand there forever, letting this storm drench him, punishing himself, perhaps even finding a sliver of peace in the process.
"Don't cry, don't cry, I'm sorry... I'm sorry, San San, I came back late and scared and worried you. Let's go home, I'm not going anywhere, don't be afraid..." Chen Yunqi hugged San San tightly and held him in his arms. He quickly led him back to the car, took out a tissue to wipe the rain off his face, found the coat he had prepared in the car and wrapped it around him, then quickly got out of the car and returned to the front seat. He turned on the car's heater, talking to San San to comfort him and make him feel his presence, while quickly driving the car away from where it was and back to the parking lot.
In the afternoon, Aunt Li finished making soup and left in a hurry before the rain got too heavy, leaving several dishes of vegetables that Yu Xiaosong had cooked on the kitchen counter. As soon as Chen Yunqi entered the house, he quickly filled the tub with hot water, removed San San's wet clothes, carried him into the bathtub and gave him a bath, patiently drying his hair. Only after seeing him lying peacefully in bed did he breathe a sigh of relief. He got up to go to the kitchen to make a cup of hot milk to warm him up, but San San grabbed his arm and wouldn't let go. So he bent down and said to him, "Sweetie, I'll go get you a cup of milk. I'll be right back. Don't be afraid."
San San still wouldn't let go, clinging tightly to his sleeve and pleading, "I don't want to drink, please don't leave."
"Okay, okay, I won't leave," Chen Yunqi said with heartache, looking at his red and swollen eyes. "Then I'll pour it for you when you want to drink. What do you want to do now? Are you sleepy? I'll stay with you."
San San rubbed her sore eyes, grabbed Chen Yunqi's hand and pressed it against her chest, and said sadly to him, "Just hug me and don't leave me."
"No, how could I leave you, you silly boy..." Chen Yunqi gently stroked his forehead, kissed the corners of his mouth repeatedly, and soothed him tenderly, "Don't be so silly again, okay?"
San San, who had just stopped crying, teared up again upon hearing his words, and whispered pitifully, "You've been gone for so long... The rain is so heavy... The thunder is so loud... I'm so scared... I don't know where to find you... Don't leave me..."
Chen Yunqi felt a pang of sadness again and quickly comforted her, "It's all my fault for making my San San sad. I'm so sorry... I should have called you sooner, but Xiao Song... he's very emotional, and I didn't comfort him properly, I..."
He could find no reason to defend himself, so he could only sigh and lower his head in guilt.
San San gently pulled his arm, making him lean down into her arms. She lightly stroked the damp strands of hair at the back of his head and asked, choking back tears, "Is Brother Xiao Song alright? He must hate me so much..."
Chen Yunqi wearily closed his eyes, burying his face in San San's neck. Before he could finish speaking, he interrupted him: "Let's not talk about this anymore, San San. What happened between Xiao Song and me is too complicated for you. I haven't been able to explain it to you properly because I don't understand it myself. I didn't know how to handle it, so I just let it develop to this point. It's all my fault. Xiao Song... he won't hate you, he'll only hate me. But I can't help it. I don't love him, only have a friendship and dependence built since childhood. He's my only friend..."
"San San, I've already let him down, I can't let you down too. Don't be afraid, my love for you will never change, neither in the past nor in the future. Do you still believe in me...?"
San San cupped his face in her hands, looked into his eyes, and said, "I believe you, brother. I was just too insecure. Before, when I saw Xia Xia liked you, I dared to compete with her for you, but when I saw Xiao Song, I didn't dare... He's your friend, he must be a good person too. I can see how much he likes you, how disappointed he is. I'm afraid I can't win against him. He's known you for so many years, and I'm only... and I've caused you so much trouble..."
“Don’t talk nonsense,” Chen Yunqi frowned slightly, propped himself up and lay down next to San San, stretched out an arm to gesture for him to come closer, and stroked his back, saying, “You don’t need to compete with anyone, my heart has already been given to you. Xiao Song is a very smart person, he just can’t stand aside and look at his own feelings, so he is persistent and finds it hard to let go. Love is a two-way street, I didn’t have it before, and I can’t be with him in the future, he will grow up one day and understand, just like me.”
San San blinked, looking confused, then asked worriedly, "Did he go home? Did he just get back...? It's raining so hard, he hasn't even eaten..."
Chen Yunqi sighed again, hugged San San tighter, and said, "Don't worry, I've taken him to the hotel. I'll call him again later to check on him."
"Oh...you guys...went to the hotel?" San San suddenly looked at Chen Yunqi with some surprise, then quickly lowered her eyes, staring at the few faint scratches on his neck, and stammered, "You...he must miss you...you haven't seen each other in so long..."
Chen Yunqi noticed the unusual tone in San San's voice, lifted his chin and asked, "Do you... have something to ask me?"
No...no...
Despite saying no, San San couldn't control her gaze, which lingered on the red marks for a long time. After hesitating for a long time, she finally couldn't resist tilting her head up and pressing her lips to Chen Yunqi's, whispering as she asked for more, "I want..."
Chen Yunqi responded to his kiss, panting, "Baby...it's too late...you should rest...you just got caught in the rain...I'm afraid you'll catch a cold..."
San San seemed not to hear him, continuing to kiss him, hug him, and involuntarily wrap her legs around him, drowning out his words in her passion.
Completely powerless to resist, Chen Yunqi didn't even finish saying his last words, "I can't bear to hurt you," before he lost control and rolled over to pin San San down.
The bedroom curtains hadn't been drawn yet, and the rain-soaked French windows rattled in the strong wind. The streaks of water sliding down the glass created a tender scene: trembling moans, whispered murmurs, an irresistible immersion, and a desperate, anxious longing—a gentle yet powerful force enveloping the two intertwined individuals, lifting them higher and higher, then plunging them back down, ultimately leading them to give themselves completely to each other.
The torrential rain poured down all night, and so did San San. He repeatedly checked on Chen Yunqi's presence, his pain and pleasure mingling, until he finally fell asleep exhausted amidst the mess on the bed just before dawn. Chen Yunqi, worried that San San might catch a cold from the rain, kept waking up from his slight trembling, repeatedly touching his forehead with his hand, and finally slept intermittently until the next morning.
The typhoon warning was upgraded to a red alert in the latter half of the night, and all schools and workplaces immediately issued notices to suspend classes and work. Chen Yunqi, with his aching body, got up, checked the doors and windows of the house, and then rummaged through the refrigerator. Finding that the food reserves were plentiful, he returned to the bedside, took out his phone, and prepared to call Yu Xiaosong.
After dialing the number, he cleared his throat awkwardly, turned to look at San San who was still fast asleep, and heard a hoarse response from the other end of the line. He asked in a daze, "Xiao Song... are you alright... are you still at the hotel? Be careful..."
"Thank you, I'm fine," Yu Xiaosong said, his voice dry and almost hoarse, as if he hadn't slept all night, yet he remained remarkably calm. He seemed to have anticipated Chen Yunqi's call and said preparedly, "Don't worry, I'll go back to Y country after the typhoon passes. Once I leave this time... I probably won't be coming back."
Chen Yunqi nodded silently, relieved to hear that he was alright. He wanted to ask something more, but felt it was unnecessary, so he simply said, "Okay, take care."
"Chen Yunqi..." Yu Xiaosong seemed to have something left unsaid, and after a moment of silence, he hesitated before speaking. He had just called out Chen Yunqi's name when he heard a lazy voice calling from the phone.