Qi lässt sich leicht weitergeben

Kapitel 54

Afraid that the baby would cry at night, I carried her outside to spend the night.

Even so, her husband was still furious, complaining that the baby was a nuisance; he said the infant was unbearable, kept him awake at night, and prevented him from concentrating on his work, forcing him to stay home all day. When her husband was home, Junzhi and her child could not stay at home. Even after the autumn season had passed and winter had arrived, Junzhi still spent more time outside.

This kind of life could not possibly continue.

Junzhi cried to her husband, who became violent and unreasonably berated her for not staying by his side obediently like before. If she argued back, it would escalate into a fight. The fight would make the child cry, and the child's crying would only make her husband angrier. Finally, her husband's violent hand reached for the child. "If only this thing didn't exist," the husband said.

That day, Junzhi filed for divorce. Through a mutual acquaintance, the divorce negotiations were easily agreed upon. Meanwhile, with her newborn child, Junzhi lost her home.

What awaited Junzhi afterward was a long period of being deceived by several men and experiencing countless hardships. But even with these setbacks, Junzhi never thought of giving up on Laizi and raised her with great care and hardship.

After the outbreak of war, Kimie relied on past connections to stay at her father's senior apprentice's house. The senior apprentice took good care of Kimie and was also kind to Raiko. Kimie said that the senior apprentice's hometown was in Fukushima, so when she went to take refuge with him, she learned the skills of making dolls there.

My senior brother was older than my father, nearing sixty at the time. He had a wife, children, and grandchildren. Although that didn't mean anything, Junzhi never imagined that the price of their intimacy would be a demand for physical intimacy.

Perhaps I should have refused.

But the foolish Kimie silently endured it in order to repay the kindness.

But this was a wrong decision. Junzhi was called a sow and a philandering cat, and in the end, she and Laizi were kicked out of the house.

Perhaps out of pity for Junzhi's background, or perhaps out of guilt, her senior apprentice still helped her find a job. Junzhi was thus semi-forced into becoming a puppeteer.

It's a very distressing story. I find it hard to believe that this woman could maintain such a strong spirit to continue raising Lai Zi without developing androphobia.

Compared to her life, mine seems so ordinary. Yet, I often lose my balance with society over trivial matters, feeling lost about the direction of my life. But this doesn't mean she was much stronger than the average person; perhaps it's just that my personality is too fragile.

Back in Tokyo, Kimie met a traveling entertainer. This suspicious-looking man, who used several aliases, eventually became Kimie's second partner. Though called a traveling entertainer, he was practically a thug. He spent his days gambling far more than performing. Kimie's second husband was just such a person.

Call her a woman unlucky in love—or a woman who doesn't know how to reflect and falls into the traps of bad men—that description of Junzhi isn't wrong. Overall, that's true, but Junzhi was somewhat different back then.

She didn't marry a street performer; she married the family he owned.

Junzhi was already in her mid-twenties at the time, and the "home" she had been longing for for more than twenty years was finally in her hands. As long as she had a home, she would not be separated from her family, and she would no longer have to worry about being left to wander the streets with her young child.

Junzhi believes that the root of her misfortune lies in the lack of a "safe haven." She longs for a warm and sturdy fortress that is always in the same place, where her family lives, and where she can be protected from external invasion as long as she lives.

Junzhi is fixated on the concept of "family".

The home owned by the itinerant performer—which is the house we're in—was supposedly acquired through gambling debts. In short, it wasn't a house obtained through legitimate means.

But Junzhi didn't care about his origins at all. At the time, she never imagined that this would become the source of her future troubles.

The man had a bad temper when drunk, and wasn't close to Lai Zi; he'd get violent when drunk. But compared to her first husband, this was nothing. He usually lived off Junzhi's income as a gigolo, but sometimes he'd suddenly disappear, only to return the next day with a large sum of money, or mountains of canned beef or chocolate. At these times, he was always in a good mood, constantly talking about wanting his own children.

"Things were fine until then, but they quickly got worse. The man's name is Naoyama, and Naoyama doesn't get along with my daughter. My daughter hates her new dad."

"I've heard about things like that all the time. Speaking of which, who is that strange man carrying the box? He must be crazy to dress like that."

"Well, the cult leader taught me that I can only find true happiness by selling the house."

"Haha, so you're just like any other real estate agent. So, you also knew your daughter saw everything from behind the paper door?"

"I have a vague feeling—like I've been seen. But I can't refuse Naoyama's request. There's no reason to refuse. And if I upset him, I might get kicked out—"

"I don't want to hear about your romantic escapades. Anyway, you can tell you're being watched by your daughter, right? That's what they call 'walls have ears,' isn't it?"

"Yes, I always thought that girl was a demon."

"A demon? Madam, is your daughter a monster?"

Junzhi's memories are complex and intertwined.

Natsume's questioning style was also fragmented.

I frantically pieced together their conversation.

Raiko seems unable to like her new father, Naoyama. Kimie is afraid that if Naoyama abandons her, she will really end up on the streets. Therefore, she tries her best to please him while also trying to appease Raiko and ask her to get along well with her new father.

But these efforts ultimately failed, creating not only a chasm between the father and daughter, but also estrangement from the mother.

Junzhi suspects that one reason Lai Zi dislikes her parents might be because she secretly witnessed their intimate moments. At the time, Lai Zi was going through a very complex period before puberty. If this is true, it's conceivable that it would cause her some kind of psychological trauma.

But whether it's fortunate or unfortunate, Naoyama ran away from home one day and never came back.

After that, I sent several letters back, but I didn't write my address on them. The first letter read: "A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, but I bet on the wrong horse; I can't go back for now."

The second time, they sent back a divorce application along with documents such as the land and house ownership certificate and transfer certificate.

It seems that Naoyama himself is surprisingly straightforward. Lacking legal knowledge, Kimie ran around day and night dealing with these matters—although she also wanted to take advantage of the chaos in the post-war period to deal with them as soon as possible—in the end, she officially divorced Naoyama, and the name on the ownership certificate and register changed hands, successfully obtaining the land and house.

Now that she had the house, it didn't matter to Junzhi what the man was like. In fact, he was an obstacle in the current situation; perhaps it was better that he wasn't there. She wondered if Naoyama had gone to commit a crime or borrow money, but he never returned. "Perhaps he died somewhere," Junzhi said nonchalantly.

For the next few years, Junzhi worked diligently, and things remained calm and peaceful on the surface with Lai Zi. But Junzhi said:

"My shallow desire to protect this house gradually turned into a desire to live a more comfortable life, and I also hoped that Lai Zi would not live a foolish life like me in the future. Several men had pursued me, but in my opinion, they all seemed to be trying to scam me out of the house. Considering Lai Zi's feelings, I really couldn't agree to it. The surface of my desire kept expanding, and my heart was not at peace at all. I felt so lonely."

It seems that this did not lead to a smooth life.

I thought of the story I heard yesterday about Shibata Yohiro. Compared to the vast wealth empire he had built, Kimie's assets were but a drop in the ocean. No, this dilapidated house was practically worthless. Yet, a shared unease resonated in both of their hearts.

"But I know that it would be better if I didn't have this family. This family has turned me into a monster. I simply can't give up this family, I can't let go of my attachments. Without that, I can't find happiness."

The mention of spirits in her words likely refers to the teachings of the Mikoto deity. After hearing half of her life story, this teaching seemed particularly cruel.

"That's how it is."

Natsume agreed; his thoughts seemed to differ from mine.

"Just give up on this family and make up with your daughter."

"Don't make it sound so simple. To her, this home is—"

"That's true—"

My defense was in vain again, interrupted by Kimie herself.

"—It's precisely because I can't do this that no matter how much I give, it's useless. I'm well aware of that myself."

It seems I'm the only one who can't keep up with the conversation again.

"But madam, you just said that the house is damaged and you are very troubled, which means you want to leave the house to your daughter, right? Who cares if it's a demon or a monster, if your daughter inherits the house after you die, won't that turn your daughter into a demon? That's too pitiful. How can we let such a lovely female student turn into a monster?"

Whether Natsume truly understood or was pretending, he acted as if he knew a lot when advising Kimie.

"You're right."

Junzhi looked out the window.

"Lai Zi hates me, no, she despises me. There's nothing I can do about it. After all, I can't convey my words to that child, and I can't understand what she's thinking at all. Later, I started to feel that all my hard work and the inability to be happy was her fault. I had the delusion that that child was a demon, and that I could never be happy as long as she was around. So much hard work, so much hard work, and yet the result is still tragic."

A moment of despair flashed in Junzhi's eyes.

On the surface, each day seemed peaceful, but the chasm between mother and daughter was widening at an imperceptible pace.

"But this very thought is proof that I am the demon myself, so it's no wonder that the child hates me. Therefore, it's best for the child that I leave this world."

Junzhi's words made some sense until halfway through, but then something seemed to be missing, and it didn't make sense.

It seems to be lacking something. That's right, it lacks the decisive testimony of how Kimie became a follower of Mihako-no-Kami. That's why it just doesn't sound right no matter how you listen to it.

I asked her the question, and Kimie seemed unsure how to answer. She could answer Natsuki's fragmented questions without resistance, but she hesitated for a long time when faced with my gradual questioning. I really couldn't understand why, but for her, the question seemed too obvious to know how to begin.

It feels like being asked, "Are you Japanese?"

So I changed the question.

When did you first hear about Mikoto? Who introduced you to it?

She paused for a long time.

“It was Sasagawa who told me.”

"Sasagawa? Who is he?"

"The teacher at Kichijoji teaches people how to make brocade puppets (note). He gathers housewives to provide them with opportunities to earn money through home crafts, teaching them how to make puppets. The finished puppet is then combined with the head I made, and that's the finished product. The brocade puppets have been selling very well recently."

Note: A type of ornately decorated wooden doll. The doll has grooves carved into it, into which brocade is inserted as decoration.

"Was it that person who took you there?"

"Yes. I had heard before that it was very effective. A lady who often goes to Sasakawa is a believer. She said she could introduce us to her, so we went with her."

It turns out she didn't fall into a trap, but rather jumped into it willingly.

"Why?"

"Of course I want to become happy."

"Madam, you really want to reconcile with your daughter, don't you!"

Well—

It was rather unusual for Natsume to say something correct—or rather, normal.

But the questions that followed were quite random.

"So, are you happy, madam? If you are, that's good. Then I'll go back with this turtle-like guy."

"Well..."

How could a happy person possibly want to commit suicide? It's such a simple thing, even a fool could figure it out. But Natsume wasn't being sarcastic; he was asking very seriously. And Kimie was also seriously considering his seemingly joking question, seemingly unsure how to answer.

I began to speak:

"I'm sorry, but I don't think you've become happier after accepting the teachings of the Mikoto God."

"That's not true."

"But didn't you want to end your own life?"

"That's for my daughter's own good."

Would your daughter be happy if you died?

"Of course I'd be happy. That girl hates me. Besides, my heart has been possessed by a demon; I can't go on living like this."

The conversation went on and on, and the topic returned to the same old pattern.

Junzhi finally faced me directly for the first time. Her eyes were bloodshot, not from crying, but probably because she was blinking less often.

His facial expressions lacked variation.

As expected, I still couldn't communicate with her.

At this point, I'm no longer sure whether I'm the one who's abnormal or she has a problem.

In short, let me first say what I want to say.