She shook her head and said, "We didn't argue, it's just... sometimes I feel like everyone has grown up, and we're not as carefree as we were when we were kids. We have different views on many things, and we can't talk to each other. Occasionally, I feel a little estranged." These were her true feelings.
Madam Mu said, "Is that so? That's inevitable, but friendships can always be maintained by exploring new topics. Yining is a good child, and you've all grown up together. If you can continue to get along, don't let things become so distant."
Mu Xing agreed: "Yes, I know. I'll ask her out for a good talk once I've finished what I'm doing."
Come to think of it, so much time has passed since that day at the bookstore... She should have asked Yi Ning to come out and talk, after all, no matter what Yi Ning thinks, her friendship with Yi Ning over the years still exists.
As Mu Xing was lost in thought, Madam Mu took a sip of tea and said in a calm tone, "Speaking of which, how long have you known that Miss Bai?"
A chill ran down Mu Xing's spine. Her previously scattered thoughts tightened the moment she heard Shu Wan's name. Under her mother's gaze from across the room, she felt as if her heart wasn't beating in her chest, but rather placed on a porcelain plate in front of her, causing the entire study to tremble.
“…Quickly, a year.” Mu Xing struggled to regain his lips and heartbeat.
"Not even a year?" Madam Mu's tone was relaxed, as if she were just having a casual chat. "That's not a long time. Don't compare it to the twenty years you've known Yining. This amount of time is even less than the time you've known any random high school classmate."
Mu Xing frowned: "Mother, it doesn't necessarily take three or five years to truly understand someone."
“Of course I know, ‘a lifelong friend is like a stranger, a casual acquaintance is like an old friend,’ right? Mother understands the principle, but often, the friends people think they have met are not necessarily true, because people can deceive and pretend! Especially…” Clenching her hands, Madam Mu did not finish her sentence.
Mu Xing bit her lip, her confused thoughts gradually clearing up.
She finally understood her mother's intentions—undoubtedly, they already knew about her relationship with Shu Wan, and now, her mother was fundamentally denying the foundation of her feelings for Shu Wan.
Even knowing this, Mu Xing still didn't know whether she should confess proactively or passively accept the consequences. In this matter, she seemed to inherently lack any agency, unless…
After coughing, Dr. Mu, who had been silent all along, finally spoke.
“Ah Xuan, your mother and I have talked for a long time, and we feel that we have been too lenient with you these past few years. You are still young, and even though you have some cleverness, you are still ignorant and naive. In some matters, you are bound to be misled and deceived, and do some… ‘out-of-line’ things. But you must know that it’s okay, it’s okay to be deceived, the important thing is that you can’t keep your eyes closed and you can’t keep making mistakes!”
“You are a smart child. Your mother and I have no less expectation for you than for your older brother. But I want to tell you that we are not saying these words out of expectation for you, but... simply out of a parent’s concern for their daughter. You are our daughter, and we cannot watch you make mistakes... no.” He paused, frowned, and continued with difficulty, “continue walking down that difficult road.”
silence.
The autumn wind howled in the darkness, the study was brightly lit, yet the people inside seemed to be walking in the night.
"It's not deception."
Mu Xing finally spoke.
“It’s not deception, not seduction, and certainly not a decision made out of ignorance.” Clenching his fists tightly, Mu Xing looked up at his parents and said, word by word, “Father, Mother, why do you have to do this, hinting so subtly? Yes, I have fallen in love with a woman named Bai Shuwan.”
The electric light was bright enough that Mu Xing could clearly see the tears rapidly welling up in her mother's eyes. The mask of composure that she had been trying so hard to maintain quickly cracked and collapsed.
But she had no choice.
She couldn't take the initiative. Unless, of course, she was willing to hurt her parents as much as they hurt her. It was a gamble between two people, the chips being their imagined love for each other, each hoping to exchange it for the other's pity and compromise, or... a complete break.
Mu Xing continued, “Mother, it’s true that I’ve only known Shu Wan for less than a year, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know her well or that my feelings for her aren’t deep enough! In ordinary worldly marriages, many couples who have never met before can stay together and stay together, so why can’t she and I?”
"Absurd, absurd!" Madam Mu said angrily with tears in her eyes, "Even legitimate couples bound by a marriage contract can get divorced one day, so what are you and her? What's more, she comes from such a background! You're willing to stay with her, but can you guarantee that she thinks the same way? Can you guarantee that she's not after your family background?"
Before Mu Xing could speak, Madam Mu pressed on, "Don't say you can guarantee it! What guarantee do you have? If you have nothing now and can no longer provide for her material needs, are you sure she will stay with you and suffer? Or will she immediately turn around and find another 'good man'?"
"Even if we assume she is truly devoted to you, Ah Xuan, can you really guarantee your feelings will never change?" The initiative had shifted back to Madam Mu. "You're only twenty-one. The world you'll see in the future will only expand. What if you meet someone else—male or female—and change your mind? What will happen to Miss Bai then? If you were a man, at least you'd be bound by a marriage contract, obligated to support Miss Bai. But you're a woman! What will you do then? You'll always be a daughter of the Mu family; you can leave when you're done playing around. But Miss Bai is different. Given her background, how will she survive when her youth is over? You keep saying you love and pity her, but have you truly considered her feelings?"
Mrs. Mu's questions bombarded Mu Xing's mind, one after another shattering all the words she had prepared. Before she could rethink, a piercing phone ring suddenly struck her heart.
It's so nice tonight!
Mu Xing jumped up and was about to run outside when Madam Mu quickly stood up and grabbed her: "Don't go!"
Mu Xing struggled: "Mother! Let me go! This is a matter of life and death!"
Madam Mu remained unyielding: "If it's a matter of life and death, then it should be your father's responsibility! We've been far too lenient with you. From today onwards, you no longer need to run around in clinics, pharmacies, or any other places. Staying at home is the proper course of action!"
As the two were arguing, a maid knocked on the door and said, "Madam, it's a call for Miss. The caller claims to be surnamed Bai."
Madam Mu looked at Mu Xing: "Is this what you meant by a matter of life and death?" She turned to the door, "Give the order that from now on, no one should answer any calls made to Miss. Old Jin, Jingye, come in!"
The maid acknowledged and withdrew, and Lao Jin and Jing Ye came over upon hearing the commotion.
"Take the young lady back to her room and let her calm down!"
Upon hearing this order, Mu Xing looked at Madam Mu in disbelief: "Mother!"
Without looking at her again, Madam Mu turned her back, and Mu Yiqian got up and hugged her.
Mu Xing was still unwilling to give up: "Dad! You..."
Interrupting Mu Xing, Mu Yiqian said in a low voice, "Ah Xuan, listen to me, don't make your mother sad anymore."
"Miss, let's go." Despite his polite manner, Lao Jin held Mu Xing's hand tightly without loosening his grip at all.
Unable to break free, Mu Xing reached the phone in the corridor and shouted, "I need to make a phone call, let me go!"
"Miss!" Jingye said in a low voice, "The old lady has just taken her medicine and gone to sleep."
Mu Xing gritted her teeth, and finally her eyes reddened.
Her struggles were pointless except for exhausting herself; her fear, her hopes, her attempts were all futile; her emotions, her emotions…
The door slammed shut, the key jingled as it was locked, footsteps faded into the distance, and finally, all was quiet.
Mu Xing lay on the bed, not thinking about anything.
The alarm clock ticked away, but outside the sealed window, all sounds hit the glass and returned empty-handed, leaving only silence.
In a daze, Mu Xing suddenly heard a few faint sounds of suona horns. She trembled and jumped out of bed to run to the window.
The huge glass window was locked, and outside the window was the Mu family's garden. At this moment, only a few scattered night watch lamps flickered like will-o'-the-wisps. Beyond that, there was only darkness.
According to custom, no suona (a traditional Chinese wind instrument) is played during the burial of a child who dies young.
Mu Xing stared blankly, wondering how, even if such a thing existed, it could appear in the British Concession.
But at this moment, in the stillness of the night, the sharp, mournful sound of the suona still broke through the darkness and reached her window.
How strange.
Mu Xing leaned against the wall and slowly sat down.
The walls were icy cold, almost stinging to the bone through the thin clothing.
Covering her face with her hands, Mu Xing forced herself to slowly recall everything that had just happened.
If she could have been calmer, if she could have made thorough preparations sooner, if…
“…There are no ifs.” She murmured as she sat in the darkness.
She couldn't even stop herself from laughing.
Everything ultimately took the worst possible turn.
Whether it's her relationship with Shu Wan, her relationship with her parents, Xiao Azhen, her life, her studies, her aunt...
After all that, in the end, did she still end up unable to grasp anything?
Chapter 87
Little Zhen passed away in the early hours of September 17th.
Knowing the landlord's taboo, Jinbao invited the two porters he had previously contacted, and with the help of Baiyan, Aunt Li from next door, and Aunt Chen, everything was ready. That very night, they quietly buried Xiao Azhen next to her father. Apart from a pile of yellow paper and a pinch of ashes, no one was disturbed or disturbed.
They gave the porters a tip and sent them away. The two returned to the courtyard, and it was already dawn. Jinbao sat blankly on the bed for a long time before muttering, "She said she wanted to eat mooncakes, but she hasn't had any yet."
Bai Yan, sleeves rolled up, squatted in the yard trying to start a fire, but she was clumsy and couldn't get it going. In the end, Aunt Li brought over two bowls of porridge. As she brought the porridge in, Bai Yan overheard Jinbao talking. She didn't say anything, put the bowls down, and then pulled Jinbao over to sit down.
"Eat up, finish your food, you still have to live." Bai Yan handed Jinbao a spoon and said while eating her porridge, "The bookstore where I work is hiring a cook, four yuan a month, not much, but enough. I also saw that the department store is hiring sales clerks, selling clothes and shoes, and you have some experience. I asked, and they pay based on sales volume..."
She kept talking, while Jinbao just sat there blankly, and Bai Yan didn't pay any attention. After finishing her porridge, she took out a handkerchief to wipe her face, then took a piece of paper from her handbag and placed it in front of Jinbao: "The work addresses I mentioned earlier are all written here. There's no rush to start work, but don't delay too long either. I have to go to work later, so I'll be going now."
She got up and walked to the door. After thinking for a moment, Bai Yan said again, "You once told me that people don't always live for themselves. Before, it was for their parents, then for their sisters. Now, live for me too. You should live well."
“I haven’t settled the accounts from before, but I know you’ve kept them. You know how much it is. That was the money I saved to buy my freedom. You know, that was my life. Now, half of my life is being held up by Ah Xuan, and the other half is all with you. You have to pay me back every penny you have.”
The small room fell silent.
The morning mist gradually dissipated, and the warm sunlight shone into the small courtyard. The clean bed sheets fluttered slightly, and the bougainvillea on the courtyard wall seemed to have regained some vitality.
The sound of tears hitting the porridge bowl was barely audible. With trembling hands, Jinbao picked up the spoon and shoved large mouthfuls of cold porridge into her mouth. She puffed out her cheeks, gritting her teeth as she swallowed, the cold porridge mixed with tears, grievances, pain, and relief, all swallowed down her stomach.
It was just another ordinary day. Proofreading manuscripts, checking printouts, handling typesetting… Because she had barely rested the night before, Bai Yan felt groggy, and even coffee didn't help. Around noon, Song Youcheng noticed her fatigue and, assuming it was from overwork, immediately urged her to go home and rest. Bai Yan couldn't refuse him, and still wanted to talk to Mu Xing about Xiao Azhen, so she agreed to go home.
After packing her things, she hurried to the clinic.
Last night, when Bai Yan borrowed a phone to call Mu Yuan, the maid said that Mu Xing was already resting. Thinking about Mu Xing's possible reaction to hearing about Xiao A Zhen's death, Bai Yan felt extremely distressed and racked her brains trying to come up with many ways to comfort him. Unexpectedly, when she arrived at the clinic, the doorman said that Mu Xing had not come to the clinic today.
"You didn't come? Why? Are you sick?" Bai Yan asked hurriedly.
Knowing that Bai Yan was Mu Xing's friend, the gatekeeper was willing to talk to her a bit more: "It was Mu Yuan's family who came directly to inform Dr. Zhao; we lower-level staff didn't know anything about it."
Biting her lip, Bai Yan thanked them and walked home dejectedly.
Could she be sick? Ah Xuan has been so busy these past few days, and it's the changing season, she might have caught a cold... Thinking this, Bai Yan hurried home and made a phone call to Mu Yuan.
After the call connected, she gave her name as usual and then asked if Ah Xuan was sick. There was a moment of silence on the other end of the line. Bai Yan waited patiently, and after a while, the other end replied, "Miss is not sick, please rest assured, Miss Bai."
Frowning, Bai Yan asked in confusion, "If she's not sick, why didn't I see her go to work at the clinic today?"
There was a pause on the other end, followed by a reply: "The clinic was merely a pastime for Miss Bai, and it wasn't something she absolutely had to visit. Does Miss Bai have anything else to discuss?"
Bai Yan was taken aback, then slowly said, "No, no, thank you."
After hanging up the phone, Bai Yan sat sullenly for a while.
"She should be alright... She's not sick, maybe she just wants to rest? She should rest, after all, she's been busy for so long. Madam Mu loves Ah Xuan so much, she probably wouldn't want her to be so busy." Bai Yan nodded. "That must be it. Ah Xuan finally gets to rest. Let's talk about Xiao Ah Zhen tomorrow. It will be easy to hold a memorial service afterward."
Having made up her mind, she felt relieved and sat down at her desk to take out a stack of papers.
"...The payment for the manuscript will be settled on September 19th, one thousand yuan..." After confirming the contract once, Bai Yan carefully put it away.
September 21st is the Mid-Autumn Festival, which can be considered as a gift she gave to herself and Mu Xing. Including the money she had saved up before, it was almost half of the money she had paid to redeem herself.
She used this money to redeem herself for the first half of her life, and the rest of her life would be given to Mu Xing.
This is her determination, and it is also her proof.
After locking the closet, Bai Yan took off her clothes, shoes, and socks one by one, lay down on the bed with a smile, and waited for that day to arrive.
Chapter 88