"Anyway, you can't do bad things, or you'll always get caught." Xia Xuan said sternly, "Xiao Qiqi, you're actually quite awful, you know that?"
Xiao Qiqi knew she had been caught red-handed, and hurriedly nodded, "I was really awful. So, I've decided that I won't say anything bad about you anymore, and I won't go out with you alone again."
Xia Xuan was taken aback. "What? Is there a causal relationship between these two things?"
Xiao Qiqi nodded seriously, "Really. You know Xu Chun likes you. I, Xiao Qiqi, am the most loyal person. Although I enjoy being with you, I can't let her down. She's actually very... cute. Please be good to her, okay? Every time I see her cry, my heart aches."
Xia Xuan's eyes narrowed, and she regained her usual polite distance. "Thank you for reminding me, I understand."
Xiao Qiqi felt a sudden, sharp pain in her heart, but she bit her lip tightly and swallowed her regret.
And so, a certain spot at the foot of the hill across Zihu Lake became yet another secret that Xiao Qiqi and Xia Xuan would never tell anyone. Just like that beach with tadpoles and loaches, only the quiet light of the moonlit night remains, along with beautiful memories that seem to linger in their minds.
11. Unprovoked
Xiao Qiqi suddenly changed her personality and began to study seriously. As Huang Yu put it, some nerve of hers had fallen into some unknown abyss. Xiao Qiqi ignored it all, getting up early every morning, grabbing her books, finding a seat to study. In just two days, her mood hadn't improved; in fact, it was even more stifling. Everywhere was packed with people: affectionate couples, boisterous friends, and lonely individuals like Xiao Qiqi, all coming and going in a hurry, some smiling, some expressionless, some sorrowful, but what they revealed was an endless emptiness. Perhaps this feeling was so exaggerated in those youthful years, so exaggerated that we wore the clothes of youth yet walked aimlessly in the dark night, our eyes glazed over with hopelessness.
Later, Xiao Qiqi stayed in the dormitory again, perhaps because it was the quietest place. There was no one to disturb her, no external distractions, only a pale yellow desk and bookshelves, full of books of all colors, white and blue checkered sheets, a simple emerald green duvet cover, and the familiar scent of curling up.
Xiao Qiqi stretched a bamboo mat in the middle of the dormitory, lay on the floor wearing a tank top and with her legs bare, reading absentmindedly, listening to the footsteps, laughter, and even shouts coming from the nearby stairs. Someone was banging frantically on the door. Xiao Qiqi helplessly scratched her head. Could it be Sister Huang Yu and Xu Chun? For the past two days, Xiao Qiqi had been avoiding them, going out early every morning to sit in the small garden not far from the dormitory, watching them leave the building one by one before leisurely returning, then guessing when they came back before going out again. She couldn't explain her feelings; she just didn't want to face them. Guilt, regret, annoyance? Xiao Qiqi herself couldn't tell.
She sighed, got up, and opened the door. It was Dai Kunkun from across the hall. "What are you doing holed up in the dorm?"
Xiao Qiqi lay back down on the mat, "hatching chicks."
"Heh." Dai Kunkun chuckled, took off his shoes, and sat cross-legged. "Why haven't you been out doing any undercover work these past few days?"
"I'm not feeling well," Xiao Qiqi answered earnestly, her eyes still fixed on her book. Actually, she and Dai Kunkun had an extremely close relationship—a brotherhood based on social class, devoid of any romantic feelings. With Dai Kunkun, they could hang out in internet cafes, drink, and indulge in all sorts of vices; they could sleep through exams, idly try on every piece of clothing in a boutique without buying anything, and spend their days sitting under overpasses watching pretty girls and handsome guys—it had absolutely nothing to do with studying hard and striving for excellence.
"They all say you're going to be a model student this year, and I think you're really on track." Dai Kunkun touched Xiao Qiqi's exposed thigh. "I must say, these legs are really smooth."
"Don't touch me!" Xiao Qiqi slapped her hand. "Why can't you change your lecherous ways?"
"Too bad, I only touch women. I wouldn't touch a man even if he offered me a hand." Dai Kunkun grinned. "I just saw your beautiful wife crying with Li Yue. Did she cheat on you?"
Xiao Qiqi finally opened her eyes. "You didn't see wrong, did you?" Xu Chun often cried, and would often snuggle in Xiao Qiqi's arms and torment herself, but it was rare for her to cry with Li Yue!
"Tch, my eyesight is 2.0!" Dai Kunkun raised an eyebrow. "Sigh, women are such a hassle! They'll give up everything for a man. Xiao Qiqi, do you really think men are that great?"
Normally, Xiao Qiqi would have dismissively said, "Men are all bastards," but these past few days, Xia Xuan's faintly melancholic face kept appearing in her mind, which seemed far removed from being a bastard. So Xiao Qiqi said, "I'll go find Xu Chun."
"Don't go. You won't be able to help find Xia Xuan. I heard Huang Yu jumping up and down and cursing in the dormitory this morning. He wanted to call all of Xia Xuan's friends."
“Huang Yu!” Xiao Qiqi sighed, “…He really is a good person.” Being too good is inevitably a burden, that was Xiao Qiqi’s honest thought. Xu Chun’s love was infatuation, Huang Yu’s was purely… a poverty of heart. Xiao Qiqi’s mood worsened. Xu Chun cried because of her infatuation, Huang Yu was angry because of the heat—neither was a burden Xiao Qiqi could bear.
The budding, innocent feelings were suppressed by momentary hesitation; the budding flower at dawn forbade blooming because of the moon's kindness—this is something Xiao Qiqi only understood many years later. Now, she doesn't know, doesn't know what kind of longing the heart beating in her chest carried through those years. Perhaps, none of us know, so we slowly move from ignorance to maturity, guided by curiosity, tentative exploration, and adjustments.
"Alright, stop hatching them. I found a really authentic chicken hot pot place, wanna go?"
"No, I'm incubating its son." Xiao Qiqi said irritably. This world is truly chaotic. Xu Chun can't find Xia Xuan, so he must be hiding somewhere. Should she help him look for her or not?
Dai Kunkun ignored her and grabbed Xiao Qiqi's slender white arm, refusing to let go. The two competed in eyesight, and in the end, Xiao Qiqi conceded defeat, saying, "Your eyesight is better than mine at 2.0, so let's stop competing."
Xiao Qiqi and Dai Kunkun sound harmonious together. Dai Kunkun said, "My parents are antique dealers. They both love jade, so they named me after jade. They felt one character wasn't enough to express their feelings, so they chose two." At the time, Xiao Qiqi, quite uncouthly, said, "My mom's surname is Qi, and my grandma's surname is Qi, so my name is Qiqi." Dai Kunkun burst out laughing and said, "You should be called Xiao Xiao Qiqi, because your grandpa's surname is also Xiao." Xiao Qiqi nodded obediently, "When I was little, I considered this serious matter and strongly requested to change my name, but my mom gave me a flick on the forehead. That settled the matter."
Xiao Qiqi and Dai Kunkun often hang out together harmoniously, just like today.
"Hey buddy, let's go eat some hot pot together." Xiao Qiqi listened to Dai Kunkun's invitation to passersby for the 101st time, and sighed. Dai Kunkun was good in every way, except that he had too many connections and knew people everywhere he went.
"Okay." Finally, a voice answered. Xiao Qiqi looked up in surprise and saw a chin that was lightly raised. It was Li Yue!
Li Yue ignored Xiao Qiqi and chatted with Dai Kunkun about all sorts of things. The three of them drank beer, one glass after another, until their faces were red and their necks were thick. Then Xiao Qiqi watched as Li Yue and Dai Kunkun slammed their fists on the table.
Dai Kunkun: "Li Yue, you bastard, you're being a jerk again today, aren't you?"
"You're the one who's being a jerk." Li Yue glanced at Dai Kunkun and said, "You don't like men, you only like women."
Xiao Qiqi spat out a mouthful of wine, and Dai Kunkun quickly grabbed a tissue to wipe it for her. Dai Kunkun looked extremely nervous with blurry, drunken eyes, while Xiao Qiqi's usual gaze was hazy and ambiguous.
Li Yue sneered, and amidst the crisp ringtone, he pulled a silver-gray candybar phone from his pocket and pressed a few buttons. Dai Kunkun seemed to breathe a sigh of relief and reached out to snatch it, saying, "You little rascal, you actually bought such advanced gadgets!"
Li Yue sighed, "Xia Xuan, where would I get the money to buy such luxury goods? He doesn't need them, so it's a bargain for us."
"Xia Xuan? Isn't he a famous poor but handsome guy?" Xiao Qiqi also looked curiously at the light blue screen of the phone. Back then, having a mobile phone was a luxury.
Li Yue shook his head. "Who told you Xia Xuan was poor? That kid is just lucky. He has looks, beautiful women, money, and intelligence all at once. There's simply no way for people like us to survive." His tone was envious but tinged with anger.
"Li Yue, you petty man, still stubbornly saying you don't care about Xu Chun, then why are you jealous of Xia Xuan?" Dai Kunkun said disdainfully, "I saw you with my own eyes this morning, your ugly face following behind Xu Chun."
"Hmph!" Li Yue snorted through his nose. "...If only she would shed even a single tear for me. She asked me where Xia Xuan went." As he spoke, his eyes turned to Xiao Qiqi. "How would I know where Xia Xuan went? It's a pity she never looks for the people she should be looking for." His words seemed to have a double meaning.
Xiao Qiqi's heart skipped a beat. Her chopsticks paused for two seconds before she buried her head in her food again. Jiang Yilan liked to say, "If you have a clear conscience, you have nothing to fear," and also, "There are no secrets that stay hidden forever. If you want to do something bad, you have to be prepared to bear the consequences." Clearly, Xiao Qiqi didn't have that kind of mature mind.
After dinner, Xiao Qiqi felt extremely dizzy, so she dragged Dai Kunkun to the lakeside for some fresh air. Xiao Qiqi lay on the grass under the thick, twisted, drooping willows by the lake, squinting as she listened to the cicadas chirping and the water ripples, while Dai Kunkun sat there wrestling with the grass roots.
"Xiao Qiqi, you're actually quite pretty."
"Mmm." Xiao Qiqi responded lazily; under Xu Chun's radiance, everyone else looked like an ugly duckling.
"Are all men blind? How come no one loves a girl as good as you?"
"Hmm." Of all the men in the world, I only ask for one.
"Xiao Qiqi, why don't we just get together?"
"Hmm...what?" Xiao Qiqi opened her drowsy eyes and stared at Dai Kunkun.
"Don't glare at me. You have such guts, being so intimate with Xia Xuan, yet you pretend to be avoiding her. Are you deceiving yourself or Xu Chun? Xiao Qiqi, you're like a kite in that person's hand. You look carefree, but you can never break free from the shackles. Once you break free, you'll never find yourself again."
"I... I didn't!" she said helplessly.
“Li Yue told me that you and Xia Xuan have been hiding in some nameless place for the past few days.”
"Nonsense! I've been studying the whole time." Xiao Qiqi sat up and retorted seriously. Apart from that day, she really hadn't seen Xia Xuan.
“I’m willing to believe you, but I don’t know if Xu Chun will.” Dai Kunkun sneered. “So Xiao Qiqi, stop struggling. Let’s be together. I will definitely love you well.”
Xiao Qiqi's eyes widened, "...Xu Chun?" Not hearing what Dai Kunkun said next, Dai Kunkun looked at Xiao Qiqi's blank eyes, a hint of disappointment flashing in his eyes.
"Forget it, Xiao Qiqi, you're just too kind and too naive."
Xiao Qiqi fell back onto the grass, Dai Kunkun's last words echoing in her ears, "You're just too kind and too foolish."
She wasn't stupid, nor was she overly kind; she was simply too afraid. A boy like Xia Xuan would be the most outstanding pearl in everyone's eyes, wherever he went. Even if she had the ability to win him over, would she be lying peacefully on the grass, faintly wounded, like she is today? Probably not, she would be sleepless day and night, afraid of losing him, afraid of the future. Wasn't Xu Chun the best example?
Some things are beautiful, but obtaining them doesn't necessarily bring happiness. Happiness is like sand slipping through your fingers; the tighter you grasp it, the faster it slips away.
It wasn't until dark that Xiao Qiqi returned to her dormitory. As soon as she entered, Huang Yu grabbed her and said, "Xiao Qiqi, you're finally back. Xu Chun said she wanted to go out for drinks."
"Drinking?" Xiao Qiqi looked at Xu Chun in surprise. Xu Chun had a beautiful and pure smile, like a fairy, without the slightest grievance or resentment. Xiao Qiqi secretly breathed a sigh of relief, perhaps Xu Chun didn't know.
Eating, drinking, chatting, going crazy—things many college students do. In a small, poorly soundproofed private room at a small restaurant, they play the "spin the bottle and tell the truth" game.
The bottle was turned to Lin Wen, whose round eyes had already narrowed to slits. Huang Yu asked, "Little Lin Wen, I have a sharp question that you must answer: Are you still a virgin?"
Lin Wen pouted and shook Xiao Qiqi's arm, "Oh, how embarrassing! Huang Yu has a dark side; he likes to pry into other people's privacy." Everyone laughed. But they couldn't break the rules of the game, so Lin Wen slowly ate her food, keeping everyone in suspense, "I... well, I'm already eighteen, of course... I am!" The four of them burst into laughter again.
Lin Wen turned to Xu Chun, her lips curling into a wide smile. "Same question, hehe."
Xiao Qiqi noticed that Xu Chun's face was a little pale, and secretly squeezed Xu Chun's hand. It was ice cold. Xiao Qiqi slapped the table, and the bottle shook a few times before it moved to face Xiao Qiqi. Xiao Qiqi grinned and said, "No way! It's been going around so many times and it still hasn't landed on me. Look, the bottle has landed on me by itself. I'll answer this question."
Lin Wen was about to object, but Xiao Qiqi stuffed a piece of tomato into her mouth with her chopsticks. "Hehe, let me tell you, I'm not a virgin." Lin Wen choked on the tomato and coughed incessantly. Even Huang Yu stared at Xiao Qiqi with wide eyes, as if she were a monster.
Xiao Qiqi tapped the table with his chopsticks, making a lewd face at everyone. "To tell you the truth, I wasn't a virgin when I was twelve." He paused, noticing their awkward smiles, before continuing, "When I was twelve, I was at my grandma's house. I saw people riding cows and thought it looked fun. So, when my grandma wasn't looking, I climbed onto her big, temperamental yellow cow. It was a female cow, and she probably didn't like my feminine scent, so she turned on me and threw me to the ground. To be honest, my hip bones are so small because that cow hurt me and caused them to stop developing. It felt like my hips were shattered, and I bled a lot. My grandma fainted from fright. Later, the doctor said it was just a ruptured vagina causing massive bleeding." Xiao Qiqi spoke with exaggerated intonation and a grin, laughing loudly at the relieved expressions on everyone's faces. He practically buried his face in Xu Chun's arms, saying, "Wife, I'm so sorry!"
Xiao Qiqi felt relieved. Friends are for caring for each other, not for hurting each other—this was a truth Xiao Qiqi had adhered to since childhood. She didn't look up, so naturally she didn't see the strange expression flashing in Xu Chun's eyes as she looked down.
Time passed quickly, and two weeks later, it was exam time, summer vacation started, and I went home.
12. Rumors
During summer vacation, Xiao Qiqi worked at a summer tutoring center with Jiang Yilan. Spending her days with a group of budding middle school boys and girls, Xiao Qiqi found life exceptionally enjoyable. She constantly listened to their gossip: which boy was dating which girl, which girl walked with the most alluring sway, which boy sang a love song in front of which girl's door and got hit on the head by her mother with a broom, which teacher was the most meddlesome, which teacher was the cutest, which romance novel was the most touching, and so on. Xiao Qiqi and Jiang Yilan laughed until their stomachs hurt every day. Those youthful days were truly blissful and beautiful, purer and clearer than a mountain stream. "It's so good not to grow up," was Xiao Qiqi's most frequent thought that summer. However, she never brought up the topic of "idiot" or "tadpole" again.
Time flies. Summer vacation, school starts, back to the dorm, reunion, the cycle repeats.
Another year of clear autumn skies has arrived, a time that should be pleasant, but for Xiao Qiqi it's been torture. She can only hide in her dormitory every day, sleeping soundly with her headphones in, instead of enjoying the cool autumn air on the grass by the lake like she used to.
Because there was a strange man downstairs, wearing an oversized T-shirt, ripped jeans, and sporting a small mustache. He was supposedly from Xiao Qiqi's hometown. His strange clothes weren't unusual, nor was the mustache, and being from the same hometown was even less unusual. What was unusual was the red rose that the man carried every day. At first, Xiao Qiqi was curious—roses, a woman's favorite! But after two days, looking at that face with its bizarre smile, Xiao Qiqi couldn't stand it anymore. People's aesthetic sense only gets better over time, so Xiao Qiqi discreetly hid herself away.
A day or two, half a month passed, and everyone in Building 8 knew that there was a guy with a mustache who stayed there all day singing love songs with roses, pursuing a girl named Xiao Qiqi.
Xiao Qiqi sighed repeatedly. Eating rice soaked in Lao Gan Ma chili sauce made her heart burn with spiciness; she really wanted to yell. So, Xiao Qiqi rushed to the balcony. "Hey, doesn't your throat hurt from yelling all the time?" The man with the mustache smugly shook the water bottle in his hand and answered bluntly, "Qiqi, I brought a lot of different flavored water, do you want some?" "Drink yourself to death!" Xiao Qiqi slammed the balcony door shut and wiped her sweat. She'd never dealt with anything like this before; it was terrifying.
He grabbed Xu Chun, saying, "My dear wife, you're so experienced; you've taken care of that mustache for me."
Xu Chun was painting her nails when she said, "Hey, don't touch my fingers, they're all smudged."
Xiao Qiqi reluctantly let go, "Please, I want to go out and play, I'm going to die of boredom if I don't go out."
Xu Chun's smiling eyes were particularly charming as she looked Xiao Qiqi up and down with a seductive gaze. "No matter what method you use?"
"Yes, yes, any method is fine." Xiao Qiqi nodded like a chick pecking at rice.
"Treat me to lobster."
"Okay, okay, I have plenty of money." Xiao Qiqi patted his pocket. He'd worked all summer and was well-off.
"Regardless of whether that method has any side effects, you can't blame me."
"I swear I absolutely don't blame you."
So Xu Chun went out gracefully, her beautiful back view becoming more and more ethereal. Perhaps it is the strong woman who is the most beautiful. Xu Chun is strong and beautiful enough, so she is even more charming.
Xiao Qiqi secretly peeked onto the balcony and watched as the beautiful Xu Chun walked gracefully toward the man with the mustache. Her head was tilted, and her captivating fox-like eyes were exceptionally alluring. Xiao Qiqi couldn't help but purse his lips. Sigh, why didn't he think of this trick? Why not just have the beautiful woman seduce him?
Xu Chun only said a few words to the man with the mustache, and he ran away in a panic, forgetting to even take a bunch of colorful water with him. Xiao Qiqi was dumbfounded. This beauty is too amazing! She tried 180 different ways to communicate with the man with the mustache, but to no avail. Xu Chun, the great beauty, solved it with just three sentences?
As soon as Xu Chun returned, Xiao Qiqi jumped over like a monkey, looking Xu Chun up and down with admiration, "What did you say to him?"
Xu Chun tidied her straight long hair behind her ear, returned to the table to continue painting her nails, and said indifferently, "I told him you weren't a virgin when you were twelve."
Xiao Qiqi slumped onto the bench with a thud, her bottom throbbing painfully. She stared at Xu Chun like a gorilla, "No way, beautiful lady, how could you say something like that?"
"Men are all the same; they all have a virginity complex. This is the best and most straightforward method."
Xiao Qiqi looked at Xu Chun strangely, "...You didn't use this method before?"
Xu Chun was meticulously applying her nail polish, her voice turning cold at one point, "I'm not like you." Xiao Qiqi quickly lowered her head, acting like a child who had done something wrong. Xu Chun continued emotionlessly, "I'm trying to cover it up, so I'm desperately trying to hide it. You don't need to pretend, so it doesn't matter to you."
Indeed, it was very straightforward. When Xiao Qiqi left the dormitory building again, there wasn't a single fly strangely hovering there anymore, and life returned to its carefree state.