Instinctively, I felt a little uncomfortable!
"Qiaoqiao... I feel like I'm not myself anymore." I chuckled softly, a sadness tinged with sadness, though my heart was in turmoil. "Now, for my own sake, I'm capable of stabbing two complete strangers... murder! This is murder! Do you understand? I really did it! And I was completely calm at the time! When that person struggled under my knife, writhing and convulsing on the ground, I didn't even feel a jolt of emotion... But afterwards, I vomited for a long time..."
Facing Qiaoqiao, my best friend, I spoke my mind.
"I feel like I'm not myself anymore."
Qiaoqiao didn't speak; she just looked at me quietly, her face expressionless. After I finished, she was silent for a while. Suddenly, she said to me, "Take off your clothes."
"kindness?"
"Take off your clothes and let me see your scars."
I glanced at Qiaoqiao and saw certainty and an unwavering resolve in her eyes. I hesitated for a moment, then began to unbutton my shirt.
The scars on my chest, shoulders, and arms, many of which had healed long ago, were mostly stitched up by doctors; each one was quite shocking! Qiaoqiao narrowed her eyes, staring at my body for a full minute. She seemed somewhat lost in thought, then slowly reached out and gently touched a scar on my shoulder…
This is a scar on my shoulder blade. That cut almost ruined me! The doctor said. If the cut had been any deeper, a little more to the left, my arm would have been useless.
From this perspective, I'm actually quite lucky.
Jojo's eyes seemed to twitch as her fingers traced down the scar on my shoulder and then moved behind me.
My back is riddled with bullet holes. Those were from that shotgun blast back in Guangzhou. Luckily, it was just a homemade gun that fired iron pellets; otherwise, I would have been dead long ago.
There was a glint of tears in Qiaoqiao's eyes. She turned her face away, quietly wiped away her tears, and quickly smiled at me. Her smile was very calm, and then she asked me in a soft voice, "Xiao Wu, I have a question for you."
"What?"
Why haven't you contacted us?
I thought for a moment, then smiled bitterly and said, "What's the point of contacting him? Am I still myself? I'm not that Chen Yang anymore. Not that Xiao Wu anymore! I'm a bastard now, a real gangster... a murderer!"
*Smack!*
Without any warning! A slap landed squarely on my face! Before Qiaoqiao could even lower her raised hand, she glared at me fiercely: "I fucking want to punch you!"
I was speechless, staring at Miss Qiao.
“If…” Qiaoqiao took a deep breath, “If I, or Aze, or Mutou… if one day we also encounter such a desperate situation… if we commit murder and arson, and become fugitives… at that time, will you still consider us friends?”
"Yes! Of course!"
Qiaoqiao looked at me and said, "That's fine then! So if you dare say those things again... I'll still slap you across the face! You believe me?"
I rubbed my cheeks. Thankfully, Miss Qiao went easy on me and didn't hit me hard. My cheeks just felt a little hot.
We were both tired of standing, and with my clothes open, the occasional passersby couldn't help but cast curious glances my way. After thinking for a moment, I pulled Qiaoqiao into a small alley next to us.
Then I found a fire escape ladder next to a low building. The ladder went straight to the top floor, but it was a bit rusty, and two of the floors were locked. However, it was useless to someone as agile as me. I easily climbed over, and then pulled Qiaoqiao up with me.
It was a three-story building, and the two of us easily made our way to the rooftop terrace. It was very quiet there, completely silent, somewhat dark, and covered in dust.
I spread my suit jacket on the floor and then sat down next to Qiaoqiao.
It must be said that Vancouver, as a coastal city, has a beautiful night sky. Unlike many large cities in China, it doesn't have the dense, dusty air that obscures the sky, and the sky isn't gloomy at all.
We sat back to back, looking at the sky, and remained silent for a while before Qiaoqiao spoke up: "But why don't you even contact Yan Di and the others?"
My body trembled slightly.
Yan Di... Yan Di...
This is almost the softest spot in my heart.
“Do you know that when the news that you were dead came back, we were all very careful to keep it from Yan Di, not daring to tell her even a little bit? But this lack of news was even more agonizing! That girl started crying every day, then she stopped, but... since you left, she hasn't smiled once... not even once.”
"How...how is she?"
I could hear my own voice trembling... and my heart was trembling too.
Qiaoqiao didn't answer me directly, but instead sighed. Her sigh seemed to contain a lot of meaning.
“Not just Yan Di, but also your female boss, Fang Nan.” Qiao Qiao said slowly, “Her background is not simple… Basically, she gets the same information as us. She must have heard about your death too, and she lay in the hospital all day… You know what? I heard that she seemed to have fainted from crying and lay in the hospital all day, and then… I brought Yan Di back with me. Now Yan Di is with us, living in my house. I don’t want to describe what she looks like now… but… have you ever seen a flower wither? That’s what she looks like now! If she hadn’t been waiting for news of you… she probably wouldn’t have been able to hold on much longer.”
My heart clenched again.
"Why don't you contact them? At least make a phone call to let them know you're safe!"
I fell silent.
This was the rooftop, and there was no one around. I finally managed to take out a cigarette, lit one with my slightly trembling hand, and just as I took a puff, Qiaoqiao took the cigarette from my mouth and put it in her own.
I gave a wry smile and lit another one for myself.
My mouth was filled with a bitter taste... I knew it wasn't because of the tobacco.
Yes, why didn't I contact Yan Di or Fang Nan? Why didn't I even make a phone call or send a message saying I was safe?
Why?
because……
Because I'm an asshole!
Yes, because I'm an asshole! An asshole!!
These past few days… or rather, these past few days, this question has been a taboo subject for me! I've even forced myself time and time again not to think about it… because every time I do, I feel like a complete jerk!
I smoked the cigarette almost nonstop, the butt glowing like sparks as I inhaled deeply.
Finally, the cigarette between his fingers burned to the end.
"What can I do?" I gave a bitter laugh, feeling the muscles in my face stiffen.
I turned my head and looked into Qiaoqiao's eyes, which were just a few feet away: "Qiaoqiao, my situation is very special right now..."
Then, I began to speak to myself, almost as if talking to myself:
"The pressure on me right now is too much... I can't go back. If I go back, there are only two paths. First, my identity remains hidden, but Brother Huan will kill me. Second, my identity is exposed, and those people will know I'm not dead, and they will also try to kill me... I can't go back! At least not now!"
Yes, I harbor hatred! Resentment! Hatred! I've made up my mind that one day I will go back! I will take back everything that is mine with my own hands! This is a decision I made long ago!
But... how long will that take?
I'm here now, with no roots, no connections! I can only rely on my own life to fight and struggle! How many years will it take before I can make something of myself, reach a certain status, and return home with my head held high?
Three years? Five years? Eight years? Ten years?
Nobody knows! And who can guarantee that I can survive safely in these dangerous times and live to see the day I succeed?
Who knows, one morning I might be shot dead in the street!
I've already embarked on this path... It's a path of no return! A path with no turning back!
So, I should let Yan Di... okay, and Fang Nan too!
What should I tell them to do?
I could shamelessly tell them: Wait for me! Wait for me to come back! I will definitely come back in eight or ten years at most—if I am still alive and successful by then!
Is that possible?
How long is a woman's youth, her precious years? How many years? As for me! I don't know what tomorrow will bring!
How could I shamelessly say such things to two women who love me? How could I make such a request?
Qiaoqiao sighed, looking at me with a bright glint in her eyes: "So...you are..."
“No!” I knew what she was going to say, but I immediately denied it: “But I’m not that noble either… In fact, I even feel sorry for my own despicableness and cowardice… I even despise myself!”
Yes… if I were a noble person, a selfless person, then I should call them and tell them… like in many movies and TV shows, in many stories, to stop waiting for me, to find a good family to marry into! Don't waste your youth on a fugitive murderer like me, go find new happiness… If I were truly noble, truly selfless, I would openly and selfishly tell them to forget me!
But……
I can't do it!
I really can't do it!
I love Yan Di... I even realized that I wasn't heartless towards Fang Nan either!
Especially when I'm in dire straits, my longing for my family and them becomes even stronger! Sometimes, that intensity, that yearning, even torments me to the point of unbearable pain!
I am not a noble person!
If you asked me to be like those male protagonists in movies, making them forget me and find new happiness... I couldn't say that!
To be honest, I can't bear to part with it!
I can't face that situation!!
How could I possibly push the woman I love most into someone else's arms? I can't do that!
I'm so conflicted!!
On the one hand, I know that with my current state of being a fugitive, the future is uncertain, and it would be very unfair to them to keep waiting and wasting their youth on me!
But on the other hand… I’m really selfish! I love my women deeply, and I simply can’t bring myself to ask them to leave me… I can’t say those words! I cherish every bit of love and warmth they give me…
I……
He's really not a good person!
I'm already walking on the edge... Now, this love in my heart is almost the last remaining vestige of humanity, a tiny bit of hope for life...
In this situation, how can you expect me to be "noble"? How can you expect me to be proactive and "selfless" enough to let go and give up even this sliver of hope?
I am not a saint.
I'm just an ordinary person. I'm not that noble, not that selfless... I'm even a little selfish... but I really can't bear to part with it!
This is a contradiction in my heart.
I really can't force myself to make a decision right now!
Under these circumstances, it's not that I don't want to contact them... but... I'm afraid to!
Yes, you want me to contact them, and then what to say to them? How to say it?
Tell them. Ask them to wait for me? But can I really ask two women who love me to make such a sacrifice for me?
Tell them to give up on me, to stop waiting for me... But that would be like asking me to willingly give up the last shred of hope I have left in my life...
What should I do? What can I do?
I looked at Qiaoqiao with a bitter smile, feeling that my eyes could no longer hide the pain.
"Tell me, what should I do? Go left? Or go right? I don't know how to say it, so... I haven't been able to make this call."