Part Three, Peak Chapter Eighty-One: The Most Lewd Script in History
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We stared at each other like fighting cocks for a long time before I finally managed to speak, coughing forcefully: "Ahem! You guys should know that making a movie is very expensive, right? Even in China, a low-budget movie will cost at least several million..."
At this point, I suddenly realized that this was no problem for these guys.
Neither Qiaoqiao nor Aze are people who lack money.
"And then there's the filming, production, and distribution of movies..."
“You’ve got all of this covered!” Qiao Qiao winked at me. “You also own Deep Blue Entertainment, and that Hollywood movie company in America…”
"Sigh..." I sighed and smiled wryly, "What about box office appeal?"
As I asked a question, the four new "jackals" shamelessly turned their gazes toward Lei Xiaohu, and Qiao Qiao even gave him a light kick from behind.
“…Alright.” Looking at Lei Xiaohu’s betrayed expression, I sighed, “Even if Xiaohu is there to work for you…but…”
"No buts!" Qiao Qiao laughed arrogantly, "This movie will definitely be a great movie! And it will crush the movie you're going to make. Chen Yang, just accept your fate... hahaha."
I rolled my eyes and started reading the script...
Um, screenwriter: Wood...
The film's title is "A Hero's Bloody Love Story..."
Well, how should I put it? The title itself is barely acceptable—what can you expect from someone who's a scalpel wielding a scalpel and whose hands reek of formaldehyde?
However, let's continue reading:
...A Bloody Love Story—A Humorous Retelling of the Three Kingdoms: The Battle of Hulao Pass between the Three Heroes and Lü Bu—The Lewd Version by the Four Jackals
Damn it! I was furious! I couldn't help but slap my thigh! What kind of rubbish is this?!
Cast:
Liu Bei: Aze (Good Khan, the big-eared thief!)
Guan Yu: Wooden Head (A taciturn wooden head playing Guan Yu? Uh... imagine the wooden head with shoe polish on his face...)
Zhang Fei: Lei Xiaohu (This... a handsome guy with a gorgeous demeanor playing Zhang Fei with a fierce leopard head and piercing eyes, I guess Xiaohu's fans will cry a lot).
Diao Chan... How come there's still Diao Chan?
After glancing at these guys, Aze immediately said, "Since it's a love story, how can there be no female characters? You're kidding! These days, which popular work doesn't have several female leads? The audience is dazzled and then shouts: 'Push them down!!' We only have one, which is quite traditional!"
All right!
Diao Chan: Little money-grubber A-Mei... (Uh, why not let Qiao Qiao play the role?)
at last……
Holy crap! This is outrageous!
Lu Bu: Qiao, Qiao Qiao?!
I swallowed hard, forcing myself to endure Qiaoqiao's murderous glare. Only then did I cautiously ask, "Are you... sure? Qiaoqiao is cross-dressing... as Lü Bu?"
Obviously, I wasted my time asking, because these guys had perfectly valid reasons!
Amei nodded very seriously: "Lu Bu is a lecher!"
Aze said with absolute certainty: "Lu Bu is fierce!"
Wood sighed deeply, "Lu Bu is invincible!!"
Lei Xiaohu immediately stepped back a few paces, then pointed at Qiao Qiao from a distance: "That woman too!"
Me: "...You guys are right!"
...
At Hulao Pass, 100,000 armored soldiers stood, their swords and spears like a forest, their killing intent overwhelming!
Among men, Lü Bu is the best; among horses, Red Hare is the best… Miss Qiao stood before the formidable pass, sword in hand, facing an army of 100,000… Wait a minute! Lü Bu wasn't using a sword, wasn't he using a halberd?
Why are you so nosy! Miss Qiao just likes using knives! Is that wrong? Without a knife, how can she "cut up a chicken"?
Miss Lü loudly rallied the troops: "My goal is to kill half the world's population (men), and then put the other half (women) into my harem, giving them happiness and favor! Therefore, Diao Chan, you belong to me!!"
……%××※※￥%￥%……
Zhang Fei (Lei Xiaohu makes a grand entrance), wielding a sharp sword (don't ask me why Zhang Fei doesn't use a spear, go ask the Four Jackals yourself if you dare): Hey! You traitor! You audacious scoundrel! You Lu Bu brat! Do you even know your Third General?! Hurry up and dismount to surrender!
Lu Bu (Miss Qiao): Hmph! Trash is trash! Cannon fodder is cannon fodder! Make a magnificent retreat! How could someone like you understand the true meaning of magnificence! You'd better hurry back to creating aesthetics!
Zhang Fei (Lei Xiaohu): Hmph! A sword is a weapon! Swordsmanship is a technique for killing! No matter how eloquent the words used to disguise it, this remains an unchanging fact!
(Holy crap! What a perfect Kenshin Himura version of Zhang Sanye!)
Miss Lü: "Aha! Behold my unparalleled and magnificent ultimate technique! True Six Paths of Reincarnation!"
(Uh... the Six Paths of Reincarnation? That name sounds familiar...)
Zhang Xiaohu: Ah... (screams in agony)
The red-faced Mu Erge enters: "Little San! Don't be afraid! I'll help you!"
Miss Lü: "Another cannon fodder sent to his death... Watch my special move..."
Red-faced Wooden Second Brother: "Haha! Idiot, don't you know that you can't use the same move twice in front of a true Saint Seiya!"
Miss Lü: "Hmph, what do you know! How can you use a fancy move a second time! Behold my ultimate technique! Evil! Immediate! Slash! Unchanging until death!"
(Holy crap... Saito Hajime and Lu Bu combined ultimate move??)
Red-faced, wooden-headed second brother: "Ah..." (screams in agony)
Liu Bei (Aze makes a grand entrance): "Sigh, it seems these two guys are no good. In this crucial moment, I'll have to step in!"
Zhang Xiaohu/Red-faced Wooden Second Brother, in unison: "Boss, don't be so direct... A man can't say no!"
Big-eared thief Aze: "Hmph! Speaking my mind is my ninja way!"
Miss Lü: "Hmph, another cannon fodder has been added! Why would men like you do such a despicable thing! Hmph!"
Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei shouted in unison: "To maintain peace on Earth! To prevent the world from being destroyed! To uphold love and the truth against evil..."
Miss Lü: "Hmph! What nonsense! What exactly is your real purpose, you lot?!"
Zhang Xiaohu: "Hey! To rescue the goddess Diao Chan, who has been imprisoned by you, the evil one!"
Red-faced, wooden-headed second brother: "To stop your wicked love for the goddess Diao Chan!"
Big-eared thief Aze: "For the sake of the fact that the laws of the late Eastern Han Dynasty did not allow lesbianism!"
Miss Lü: "What utter nonsense! These flies whining and complaining, watch my ultimate move! A magnificent defeat! True Demon Subjugation!!!"
Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei: "Ah..." (screams)
Zhang Xiaohu: "Ah... my body, my body, I can't move..."
Red-faced, wooden-headed second brother: "The five senses are also gradually being lost..."
Big-eared thief Aze: "Miss Diao Chan...am I...about to die...?"
In the distance, far, far away, the money-grubbing Diao Chan makes a grand entrance, tears streaming down her face, amidst a backdrop of fluttering, magnificent butterflies: "Oh... star shit... no, oh! Liu Bei and his ilk's little universe is about to vanish..."
Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei: "Ah...ah! It's as if I hear Miss Saori...ah, no, it's as if I hear...Miss Diao Chan calling out..."
Diao Chan, the little money-grubber: "Oh, you are the goddess's warriors! You can't fall so easily... Awaken your seventh senses!"
Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei: "Oh... Could it be... could it be that we're going to use that move? The move forbidden by the goddess... Could it be... Goddess Exclamation? The forbidden Saint Seiya fusion move..."
Miss Lü: "What nonsense..."
Zhang Xiaohu: "Behold our invincible combined attack!"
Red-faced Wooden Second Brother: "Look~ Bronze Xiaoqiang has possessed me!!"
Big-Eared Thief Aze: "For world peace! For protecting the chastity of the goddess Diao Chan! For Qidian! For the monthly ticket champion! For the annual champion! For Dancing Master... Little universe, burn!~!"
...
Snap!
I resisted the urge to smash the script in Wood's face, slammed it shut, and barely suppressed the desire to stab someone with a knife: "Wood, is this the script you wrote?"
"Never underestimate the power of a comic book fan!"
I took a deep breath: "You plan to invest a lot of money to make a movie like this, and then release it to audiences across the country?"
"Wrong!" Aze stepped forward chivalrously, blocking my murderous glare for Wood: "It's not for the national audience... but for the world! We also plan to send this film to Hollywood for computer-generated special effects, and it will be submitted for this year's Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film..."
I suppressed the urge to have a stroke from the shock of this script and looked at Mu Tou with bloodshot eyes: "You...do you have any other backup scripts?"
"Yes! Of course!" Mu Tou said righteously, "I understand very well that success cannot be based on luck, so I have prepared for failure. In case this first masterpiece fails, we have a backup plan!"
As he spoke, Mu Tou took out a script from behind his back and handed it to me.
I quietly picked it up and opened it... and the first line of text almost made me faint.
The first line of text clearly reads:
My journey is to the stars and the sea...
I glared at the wood with murderous intent.
"Sigh... Actually, besides being a manga fan, I'm also a Legend of the Galactic Heroes fan." Wood looked at me frankly: "Keep reading..."
Turn to the second page... "Human Cannon, Level One Ready..."
I could feel my fingers trembling, my heart bleeding...
“…%￥#￥…※%※￥…Holy crap!!”
These are the only two words I can say.
...