École des sciences humaines

Chapitre 15

Author: Xinxinjun Reply Date: 2005-01-02 01:20:00

Time, it's said, can fade many things. But for me, a month might not be enough to forget. The newspaper reports about what happened at the East District Hospital have gone from headlines to small snippets, but the memory of that incident is still deeply etched in my mind.

"The bizarre deaths at the East District Hospital of City C... All the medical staff in the hospital were torn apart as if by wild beasts, their deaths were gruesome... while the patients were unharmed and slept until dawn... The police suspect... and the murderer is still unknown."

After leaving City C, I first went to see my parents who were still in China, and told them that I wanted to study in a bigger city. They've always been quite permissive with me, or rather, they've been quite laissez-faire. Most of the time, they try to make up for their apologies by fulfilling all my requests and providing material things. It's probably rare to see a family that only sees each other less than five times a year. Later, I transferred to a private school here. The tuition is expensive, but it's very famous. This is City W, one of the top cities in the country. There are many people, and even more ghosts wandering the streets for various reasons. But as long as we don't harm each other, I won't do any exorcisms. Besides, I simply don't know how. Although I told Dao Lian and D that I wanted to help other ghosts and people, in reality, besides being able to see ghosts and communicate with them, I still can't do anything else.

I say I want to help others, but in reality, I can only let things take their course. That's why I came to live in this big city, but I don't know what to do. The pace here is fast, and people's expressions are becoming increasingly indifferent. When asking for directions, people just rush past; young people won't give up their seats to the elderly on buses because they work so hard and use that time to catch up on sleep. It takes a long time to get from one end of the city to the other, so people walking on the streets are always in a hurry, their brows furrowed. Breakfast is either skipped or eaten on the go. Newspaper vendors near subway stations do brisk business; passengers would rather spend all their time reading than give a smile to the person next to them.

This is a big city, where the temperature is always sub-zero. Emptiness, loneliness, and wandering souls pervade the air. People try various ways to alleviate this loneliness: going to bars, one-night stands… even taking drugs. Warmth seems so far away; no one can find a sense of belonging in anyone's eyes.

Desire is always the protagonist of the city. A protagonist who will never leave the stage.

I glanced at today's newspaper headline; it was about a teenage girl who failed to get a screening of a famous director's new film and, unable to accept the reality, committed suicide by jumping off a subway train. It wasn't news I was interested in, so I casually stuffed the newspaper into my bag, bought a packet of soy milk from a roadside breakfast stall, tore it open, and left.

Summer has arrived, so I've switched to short sleeves, and fine beads of sweat are appearing on my forehead. Walking down the street, I feel increasingly restless. But my heart remains in winter, in a cold, frigid zone like this city. Only, it doesn't seem to have frozen over.

On weekend mornings, I spend almost all my time in W City's largest library. Because I still don't understand much about so-called psychic abilities, I have to improve my understanding through short periods of reading. It takes 30 minutes by subway from the student dormitory at my new school to the library located in the city center.

"Sorry!" I had just walked down the stairs when a girl rushed up behind me and bumped into me, spilling my unfinished soy milk.

"I'm so sorry, let me buy you another pack!" The woman stopped her hurried steps and apologized to me.

“It’s okay…” When we looked up, we were both stunned.

"Nana...how could you..."

"Zero... Oh my god! It's been so long! I never expected to run into you here!" Nana's smile seemed even brighter than before. Her hair was much shorter, making her look even more pretty. However, there seemed to be something unseen in her eyes, something I had never seen before.

"Oh yeah! Long time no see... Nana, shouldn't you be studying at No. 1 High School? What are you doing here?"

"This is quite a long story. Why don't we find a place to sit down and talk it over? But I have some urgent business to attend to in the city center right now. If you can wait for me for an hour... or even just half an hour, we can sit down and have a proper chat as soon as I'm done. Oh my god, I really miss you. And Dao Lian. Didn't you transfer schools together? I haven't seen him. It feels like he's your bodyguard since you went blind; he follows you wherever you go."

I smiled faintly: "Well... I've been talking a lot. I'm also going to the city center, and I don't have anything to do today. I was wondering if it would be convenient for you to go with me to where you're going. I can wait for you. I miss you too."

"That's great! By the way, Zero... it seems like you can see again, right? I was so scared back then, but you two transferred schools without giving me a single explanation. Anyway, enough nagging, let's hurry up and take the subway. Otherwise, Director Zhang will yell at me."

Nana grabbed my hand and started rushing downstairs, but suddenly she stopped, frowned, and said, "Zero, you're so thin...you seem even thinner than before..."

My gaze shifted to my pale, thin hands, then to Nana's vibrant face. A sudden surge of intense inferiority washed over me. I quickly pulled my hands back, stuffing them into my skirt pocket, and changed the subject: "Nana, if we don't leave now, you'll really be too late."

"Oh, oh!" Nana is someone whose attention is easily diverted. She immediately forgot the question from before and hurriedly pulled me to continue rushing to catch the subway.

I looked at my thin arms and smiled bitterly. A fleeting glimpse of my pale, lifeless face was reflected in the glass. Compared to Nana's vibrant energy, I appeared all the more aloof.

Any man would like a girl like Nana, right? That fool Dao Lian, why does he still cast so many glances at someone like me? Perhaps it's because of the guilt he feels for what Daojia did, and because of that guilt, he has developed a kind of illusion of liking.

I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy of anyone's affection.

Cowardly, selfish, weak... I only know how to protect myself, and in doing so, I even pushed away the only warmth I had. Nana's hands are so warm; I wonder if I'll have to let go of those hands in the future.

It should be fine. Nana has absolutely no connection with Taoism or royalty.

We're just friends, it should be okay, right?

Will God even take away my last bit of happiness? Now that Nana has reappeared, does it mean he has finally heard my longing for happiness? So, the happiness of "Nana is my friend" won't disappear again, right? I will protect it carefully.

This is the only remaining way to raise your body temperature.

"Ah Ling," Nana excitedly told me as we got on the subway, "when did you arrive in W City? Did you notice? I'm in the newspaper! I went with my friend to the preview screening of Director Zhang's new movie, and I got selected!"

I noticed people on the subway kept glancing in our direction, whispering and looking at Nana. It turns out it wasn't just because Nana was pretty, but also for this reason.

"Congratulations!"

"Yeah! It's an important role in a well-known domestic director's new movie! Although I didn't get the lead role, and I'm only the second female lead, and a villain at that, it's still great! Do you want my autograph first? Maybe I'll be a big star someday!"

"I believe you can do it."

“However… my friend…” Her expression suddenly darkened. “Never mind… I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I transferred to a school in W City because of the needs of this movie. What about you?”

"I..." I wanted to start talking, but I had absolutely no idea what to say. So much had happened in that short time that I didn't know where to begin. The scenery outside the window flashed by, the bright sunlight filtering in, blurring my vision, just like the road ahead. I couldn't see what the path I was meant to take would be like, and the path I had already walked had collapsed. There was no turning back, no changing anything.

"Nana... I... I... I don't even know why I came here. I think there are many things that we don't even know why they happen, but once they happen, we have to face them. I think I can only tell you that I will walk my path well from now on, but it's hard for me to tell you why I came here, or what happened to me during this time. Because... some things are just unspeakable."

“Yes!” Nana seemed to recall something, clenching her left hand, her smile turning wistful. “There are some things I want to say, but I just can’t bring myself to say them! My world has changed so much while you were gone! It’s made me realize more clearly how I need to move forward. Zero… if I change, will you still be my friend?”

"Why do you say that? Nana, I've changed a lot too..." They smiled at each other, only to find a similar bitterness and sadness in their smiles.

Sometimes, the cruelty of life lies in the unpredictability of change. For some reason, in such a short time, we can hardly believe it, yet the changes can be so drastic.

Author: Xinxinjun Reply Date: 2005-01-02 01:21:00

Sometimes, the cruelty of life lies in the unpredictability of change. For some reason, in such a short time, we can't believe it, yet the changes can be so drastic. Could this be ironically called the unpredictability of life?

After getting off the subway with Nana, we walked through the bustling streets of the city and arrived at the most prominent Broadcasting Center. This place could be a hub of dreams and desires, a place of both brilliance and darkness. Nana led me to the reception room to wait for her, while she went to find the legendary Director Zhang with a middle-aged man. Apparently, there was an internal meeting being held here today, and Nana would be gone for about an hour, so I could pass the time by reading the newspaper or listening to music in the reception room. The reception room was quite large; I wasn't alone, there were probably three or four other people there. As expected of the Broadcasting Center, almost everyone in the reception room was handsome or beautiful, but one boy in particular caught my attention. Almost everyone who passed by turned to look at him a few times. He was probably around my age, with soft, fine hair that shimmered gently in the sunlight, and slender shoulders and a figure like a girl's. The white T-shirt seemed to suit him perfectly. He seemed to notice me looking at him, looked up and smiled at me, then got up and walked towards me. When he looked up, I saw his face more clearly. He was very delicate, even beautiful, more beautiful than a girl. The shape of the sunlight reflecting off him made me think of the word: angel!

As he approached, I returned his smile with a friendly smile. He sat down beside me, and seeing my surprised look, his soft, understated words shattered his previous angelic image.

"Your friend Nana might die tonight!"

I looked at him in surprise. He smiled at me again, a perfunctory smile that didn't even register in my eyes: "Hello! Last time, because of Huang Lian, the one you called D, I couldn't come out to see you. I've always been curious about you, the girl whose fate is intertwined with two men named Lian. I've finally met you. I am Huang Angliu, Huang Lian's younger brother!"

"The royal family..."

"Don't misunderstand! I'm not like my cold-hearted brother. I'm very kind! I'm here because I have an appointment with a guest! I won't tell you anything about the Royal Taoist family, nor will I force you to join the Royal Family. To be honest, I'd rather see the two families slaughter each other... Ideally... everyone would die..." His eyelashes were long, and his smile was beautiful, but every word he spoke made one's blood run cold.

“You… seem… not to like the royal family… disliking Taoism is understandable, but you are a member of the royal family…”

"Who says being part of the royal family means I have to like the royal family? Actually, both families are equally filthy, only good at lying." He continued to laugh, as if discussing the weather, while many people stole glances at this angelic-looking young man. Suddenly, his cell phone rang in his pocket. After answering the call, he slowly stood up. "Zero... I'm so sorry, my client asked me to meet her somewhere else. I guess it's too crowded here, and it's inconvenient for her to come out. I have to go now. It was nice meeting you! If we have the chance to meet again, perhaps we can talk more..." Before I could understand what was going on, he was gone. Before leaving, he suddenly turned back and said to me, "If you want your friend to live, tonight, no matter what, tell her not to come to this building, and the same goes for you."

He's gone. Only the two of us know the content of our conversation, but the girls around us cast envious glances. He's another member of the Royal Family; he was the one who killed the Dean last time. But, it seems his eyes tell me he hates the Royal Family and doesn't like D... or should I call him Royal Lotus? Because that's his real name. He's clearly an angelic boy, but his eyes are as cold as a dead man's. They're lifeless eyes, devoid of any emotion. Transparent like glass beads, yet equally empty.

Two men named Lian? Are you referring to Dao Lian and Huang Lian? Is he joking? Aside from returning the bracelet, Huang Lian and I may never see each other again. As for Dao Lian… I was the one who gave up on him first, the one who shook off his warm hands. I have no reason to see him again.

At that time, I thought our fates would be parallel lines from then on, but I didn't realize that our destinies had long been intertwined, a connection that even the sharpest scissors couldn't sever. Damn connection!

The ensuing wait was long and tedious. Several groups of people came and went in the reception room, the coffee lady in front of me reheated it again and again, and the newspapers were full of entertainment gossip—celebrity couples breaking up and getting back together were a daily occurrence, and rumors of famous directors having affairs with actresses were nothing new. The entertainment industry was so chaotic; was Nana really going down this path? The director of this film, Director Zhang, was also embroiled in numerous rumors, supposedly having affairs with every new actress he promoted in his films. If Nana really participated, would she also be subject to such rumors? Although these talent shows were rife with shady dealings and carried the risk of sexual assault, this competition still attracted many young girls. Everyone dreams of overnight fame, but their desire for fame was particularly strong; their obsession was sometimes frighteningly incomprehensible. In the end, only Nana and one other girl were selected; they essentially climbed over others to get there, and they were undoubtedly the envy of many. The newspaper reporting on the competition also published a photo of the massive crowd at the audition venue, and the carefully dressed girls practically had these words written all over their faces:

I want to be a nationally renowned woman! I want to be a woman everyone envies! I want all the men in the country to praise my beauty! I want all the men in the country to scream "I love you!" when they see me! I want to have scandals with handsome celebrities! I want... I don't need to be there in person; I can feel it intensely just by reading the newspapers.

"Ah Ling... let's go!" After some time, Nana arrived. "Let's find a place to talk properly! Or would you like to go to my place? The crew rented an apartment for me nearby! Although I live at school, there are always unexpected things when filming! When we're rushing to film, we might not be able to make it to school curfew, so they rented an apartment for me." I noticed that Nana's hair and clothes were a bit messy than when she arrived.

"Alright! I have no objections!" I said with a smile, Ang Liu's words still faintly echoing in my mind; I knew he wasn't joking. Royals wouldn't tell me these things without a reason. Perhaps the change in Nana's eyes was the reason Ang Liu warned us. Although I didn't know what caused that change, I could sense a deeper sadness beneath Nana's smile. Just like now, I've also habitually put on a bright smile to mask everything that happened at the Taoist temple over the past few months.

I need to keep Nana occupied; going to her house might be the best solution.

Nana said I'd lost weight, and looking closely, Nana also seemed a bit more haggard than when I left No. 1 High School. Is it because acting is so tiring? But that show hasn't even started filming yet, has it? It's just some costume photos being taken, memorizing the script and rehearsing the scenes; it's still in the preparation stage. Why does Nana look so exhausted?

I don't know when it started, but we've gotten used to hiding our vulnerability with smiles. Always smiling doesn't mean you're strong, and always being optimistic doesn't mean you're without wounds. This saying applies to Nana and me right now. I still remember what happened to Nana's family, and I know how carefully Nana carefully maintains her strong and cheerful facade, but if she's not careful, if the wound is touched again, she collapses faster than anyone else. Now, although she's smiling, her eyes tell me that this wound has been ripped open again.

On the surface, Nana and I have completely opposite personalities, but deep down, we are similarly vulnerable. Sometimes, I even think Nana is more vulnerable than I am. Perhaps it is this shared helplessness and darkness deep within us that gives us this strange feeling of mutual dependence.

What exactly happened to Nana in just a few months? What caused her wounds to reopen?

When we arrived at Nana's house, I couldn't help but hug her, then let go: "Nana, I've already learned to smile bravely, so you have to do the same!"

Nana paused for a moment, then patted my shoulder and said, "Ah Ling, you're so strange! Why are you suddenly being so mushy! Did you miss me too much? Although I know I'm very charming. Okay, what do you want to eat? I can cook for you! Don't let my appearance fool you, I'm a really good cook!"

"Really? I'm skeptical! The invincible, super-powerful, beautiful girl Nana has a talent for cooking! Didn't you say you wanted to use your beauty to get a man to support you?"

"Tch! The old saying still holds true: the way to a man's heart is through his stomach! I'm looking for a rich man, so of course he has to be very different..."

"You bastard..."

We started laughing and joking around.

Author: Xinxinjun Reply Date: 2005-01-02 01:22:00

It's been such a long time since I've had an expression like that. I've almost forgotten those memories, like returning to those simple, happy days when I was still in high school, the days of playing and laughing with Nana, Daolian, and me. How wonderful it would be if I could just keep laughing and playing like that for the rest of my life, but "if" is always just a hypothetical. And hypotheticals can only ever be hypotheticals; they can never become reality.

Life is like a tug-of-war, with one team called happiness and the other called cruelty. Right now, my focus is leaning towards cruelty. Although we're still locked in a stalemate and occasionally feel happiness, the victory of cruelty isn't far off.

Whether happiness wins or loses, I am ready to move forward down that path, because I have gradually pulled Daolian to the side of cruelty. If I cannot be strong, will more people be affected by me?

I don't want to! So I can only move forward!

Time spent with Nana always flies by. A phone call around 6 PM changed so many things, even Nana's life. Later, every time I thought back on it, I couldn't help but regret it. If only I had paid more attention to what Subaru had said, Nana wouldn't have suffered like this…

However, if it remains only a hypothesis, existing only in the past and future tenses, it will never become a present tense.

The joy of rekindling my friendship with Nana numbed my senses; sometimes, a change of fate can happen in the blink of an eye.

"Ah Ling! The crew wants me to come over right away. It seems to be urgent. You wait for me at home. I'll be right back!"

"Oh! Okay! Nana, be careful!" At that moment, a strange feeling flashed through my mind, but then I thought it was only a little past 6 o'clock, so I didn't take it to heart.

I was reading a book alone at Nana's house, feeling bored. It was 8 PM, and Nana still hadn't come back. At that moment, I suddenly remembered what Angliu had said that morning, and I started to get a little nervous.

"If you want your friend to live, tell her not to come to this building tonight, no matter what, and the same goes for you." He seemed to have said that, and I had kept it in mind all morning, so why did I suddenly forget it when Nana left?

I wanted to go to the TV station to find Nana, but I was afraid we'd miss each other when Nana went home. I panicked; I had no idea what to do. Nana didn't know my new phone number, and if I went out, we'd lose all contact.

Just as I was in a dilemma, Nana's phone suddenly rang. It must be Nana! I answered it immediately without thinking.

"Hey! Nana, is that you? Where are you? Why aren't you back yet?"

“…Ah Ling…I’m trapped in the elevator…Can you…help me find…to the Broadcasting Center…”

The call suddenly dropped, leaving only a long busy tone on the receiver.

Nana is trapped in the elevator? Oh, the elevator is broken... I have to hurry over and help her find someone!

At that time, I didn't think much about why Nana, who could get through on the phone, didn't immediately call the police or the management office of the broadcasting center after getting trapped in the elevator, but instead inexplicably asked me to come over. Even if she pressed the emergency button in the elevator, she could find someone to help within 20 minutes. What was the point of asking someone like me, who knew nothing, to come over? The phone call suddenly ended halfway through... Nana's voice sounded inexplicably anxious... I ignored all these abnormal things.

"I need to get to Nana right away!" This thought filled my entire mind, and I was completely confused. Looking back, I realize how incredibly stupid I was. I pretended to be calm, but I was actually more anxious than anyone else. Perhaps it was because Nana held an extraordinary importance for me; after all, she was the last bit of happiness I could see.

The lobby of the broadcasting center was deserted. The main door was wide open, but the reception area was empty, the security guard was nowhere to be seen, and the lighting was dim. Was the guard dealing with the elevators? Or perhaps he went to the restroom? I approached the elevators and found that both were stopped at the 10th floor; they were probably broken. It seemed I'd have to climb the stairs. I opened the fire escape door, and the long staircase seemed to lead to an unknown world. A light was on at each floor, but it only intensified my unease.

It's only a little past 9 pm, there shouldn't be any problems! I started walking down, and when I got to the third floor, I ran into a very pretty girl at the bottom of the stairs. She had long, straight hair and bright, big eyes. She smiled at me and said, "I've been waiting for so long, the elevator hasn't been working. I forgot something important, so I had to climb the stairs! You are...?"

"Ah! I'm here to see a friend... She's... the second female lead in Director Zhang's new movie. Have you seen her before?"

"Oh! You mean Nana! What a coincidence! We're in the same production crew! I'm the lead actress in Director Zhang's new film, my name is Qiaoling! I'm a little scared climbing these stairs alone, so it's perfect that we can go together!" She smiled charmingly and tossed her long hair. We started climbing the stairs together, but what awaited me after that long flight of stairs was an even more cruel outcome.

"Here, there are three still alive: one half-human, half-ghost, one guest, and one hypocrite; the rest are dead..."

I only learned this later.

Every time I think about this, I wonder if my life is destined to be spent in hurt and choices?

Regret means being unable to accept what has happened, feeling sorry, and hoping to make a different choice.

The world is vast, and the people you long to meet may never come. The world is small, and the things you don't want to happen always seem to happen. We live, and can be insignificant or great. We live, and can be blind or clearly understand what the future holds. We live, and can shed tears or try to smile bravely.

However, whatever the outcome, since there's no going back, we must learn to accept it. Even if the result is excruciating, we must face it because it has happened.