Even as she watched blood gushing from her body, the pain relentless, and sleepless nights raging, the dream wouldn't end. Can an unending dream be called reality? Or can only complete death bring an end?
After her last self-harming attempt by cutting her wrists, she was placed under tight protection by those around her, and now almost nothing is left around that would give her a chance to harm herself. This protection has become even more stringent since her extreme actions, such as trying to smash dishes to cut her neck and electrocuting herself with a can ring. Her lower limbs are immobile, and her muscles are weak, preventing her from moving freely out of their sight to make any other form of suicide. Ironically, she is now so useless that she has even lost the ability to end her own life. If she has gained any experience over the years, it's probably only that even starvation won't achieve her goal. These people can inject you with any substance you need to survive, making death impossible…
"Ms. Qin..."
The caregiver called to her from behind, "Ms. Qin, your family and friends have arrived."
"Auntie, it just so happens that Sister Tang Yu came to visit you today. Let us take you out for a walk."
Tang Yu patted her on the shoulder, "How have you been lately?"
Qin Ruoshui snapped out of her daze and greeted them with a smile, "Hmm? You're here?"
"good."
It was the time of Christmas and New Year, and everywhere was decorated with a festive atmosphere. Businesses were having many activities, and the city was much more lively than usual. The streets were bustling with people, and Qin Xinglan and Tang Yu pushed her wheelchair through the crowds. Young people strolled around in groups, discussing and making plans to go out for drinks and watch the New Year's Eve fireworks.
“New Year’s Eve fireworks… alcohol…” Qin Ruoshui’s eyes widened, then she looked down to check her ankle.
"Auntie, shall we go into this store and take a look?"
"Okay." Qin Ruoshui readily agreed, thinking that she could take a closer look under the shop's lights.
There was indeed an old scar on his ankle… He was 32 years old and died in 2019… from an exploding wine glass…
Colorful fireworks... flickering on and off... the city after the rain... car windows... shaking and trembling...
The incident of a wine glass exploding and the person being taken to the hospital is a true story.
So what happened next? Why did they say she was taken to the hospital after a car accident...?
"Hey, Tang Yu..." Qin Ruoshui tugged at her sleeve, wanting to ask.
…and then…she seemed to…
…In the crowd, amidst the flickering light and shadows, a girl…
The wheelchair stopped; someone had blocked its path. Qin Ruoshui was engrossed in her memories, but the person lingered. Qin Xinglan turned and saw a middle-aged woman standing in front of the wheelchair, staring at Qin Ruoshui with a shocked expression. She couldn't help but ask, "Are you... alright?"
Qin Ruoshui snapped out of her daze and looked up at the person in front of her. She looked familiar…she was…
The woman also came to her senses and stammered, "Excuse me... are you... Qin Ruoshui?"
The woman nodded when she saw Tang Yu walk up beside her. They must know each other.
Qin Ruoshui nodded somewhat blankly. "Excuse me, may I ask who you are...?"
The woman became agitated, knelt down, and took her hand, which trembled slightly.
"You're still alive... That's wonderful... When did you wake up?"
While Qin Ruoshui remained bewildered, a little girl ran up to the woman, hugged her arm, and asked her mother to help her look at her headdress. The woman quickly put her arm around the girl to comfort her for a moment, but then continued to stare intently at Qin Ruoshui.
The woman in the wheelchair before her looked much more haggard than she had years ago. She was dressed warmly, yet her extreme thinness was still evident. Fortunately, her appearance hadn't completely faded with age; though sickly, she still retained a certain charm. After all these years, she had actually seen Qin Ruoshui alive and well. She had thought that after Qin Ruoshui went into the operating room, there was no hope of recovery… Lin Miao'er met her gaze and smiled incredulously.
"Excuse me... My family member is recovering from a serious illness and may not remember things clearly. May I ask who you are?" Qin Xinglan asked, leaning on her wheelchair.
“…Ah…” Lin Miao’er’s eyes darkened, and she replied somewhat awkwardly, “I see. Little girl, you may not know this, but when she had the accident, I was her girlfriend. My name is Lin Miao’er.”
Qin Ruoshui closed her eyes…
…It's okay, it'll just be a minor surgery. I'll wait for you outside…
It's Lin Miao'er... such an old name, it took her a long time to remember.
When she finally remembered, she realized that it didn't seem like so much time had passed for her, because what lay between them was an even more bewildering vacuum.
Qin Ruoshui looked at her gently, "Mmm..."
"Xiao Ruo...do you remember? When you injured your ankle and were taken to the hospital, you were in a car accident on the way. I rushed to the hospital to take you into the operating room, but who knew what would happen later..."
Qin Ruoshui's gaze gradually lost focus. "And then? What happened next?"
She gripped Lin Miao'er's hand in return, becoming nervous.
"...and then you didn't wake up for a long time..."
"The driver at that time... I remember his name was Lao Cui... right? He almost died on the spot..."
…
Waking up to find everything changed, it must have been hard to accept at first. On the way back, Tang Yu noticed Qin Ruoshui's dejected expression and wanted to comfort her with something cheerful. "Don't worry about these things. What about your... your little one?"
Tang Yu almost blurted out the words, but paused for a moment before asking herself in surprise, "What little kid?"
That's it... Tang Yu looked up at the night sky. "Huh... what was that kid again? I vaguely remember there being such a person..."
"What?" Qin Ruoshui pressed.
"...Hmm..." It seems there's no such person. I can't remember. Tang Yu frowned. How strange. After Qin Ruoshui's accident, apart from occasionally visiting her in the hospital, nothing else happened. Where did this impression come from?
For many days after that, Qin Ruoshui intensively reviewed various materials to learn about what had happened over the years, often silently spending most of the day at a time.
Qingcheng Group accused of involvement in organized crime, declares bankruptcy…
I wonder what's going on in Country E now.
----
Qi Yi'an removed her hospital gown and examined herself in the mirror. So unfamiliar. Who was this pale, haggard middle-aged woman before her? Her features were still familiar, but her demeanor and body were completely lifeless. Bloodless skin clung to her grim ribs, and malnourished short hair drooped over her head… Was this a corpse that had been preserved in formalin for nearly ten years? She was unrecognizable from the young girl she had seen before. She raised her thin, bony hand and touched the scar on her neck and throat. The doctor said it was from a tracheotomy performed on a critically ill patient requiring mechanical ventilation, but the suffocation and pain were still vivid in her mind. The living thing in the mirror was terrifying; why hadn't she died outright?!
"Qi Yi'an".
Hearing someone call her name, Qi Yi'an turned around and stared blankly at a tall woman walking towards her. Her clothes were casual, but her curvaceous figure was still evident. Her black hair was styled in a bun, and she looked very capable. She smiled gently and charmingly; it was Dr. Li, who had changed out of her white coat.
"I'm off work, just in time to pick you up from the hospital today." With that same warm smile, Qi Yi'an was still somewhat stunned.
Li Feiyan was her attending physician, more like a friendly and cheerful older sister. She loved to laugh, and her laughter was always sweet yet spirited. After she woke up, Li Feiyan took charge of her physical condition and rehabilitation.
After being discharged from the hospital… Qi Yi'an was in a daze for days. Everything felt unreal, as if so much had happened, and she hadn't processed a single thing. Due to laryngeal damage and speech impairment from the tracheotomy, she didn't want to speak. Most of the time, she just wanted to fall asleep again, to sleep forever. But they insisted on forcing her out of her cherished dreams, forcing her to wake up again and again.
"arrive."
Qi Yi'an came to his senses.
"You can stay here with me for now." Li Feiyan opened the door, put down her bag, and helped Qi Yi'an into the house. "Your grandfather and my family's elders were comrades-in-arms when they were young, a bond forged in life and death. When he passed away a few years ago, he was worried about you and asked us to help take care of you. I'll feel more at ease if you stay with me."
Grandpa passed away first... The funeral... Black and white photos... I feel like I've heard this story somewhere before...
"When did this happen...?" Qi Yi'an asked, his eyes red as he looked up.
"It was probably around 2020... when COVID-19 had just broken out... he got sick, medical resources were strained, and there was a shortage of ICU beds in hospitals... he passed away very suddenly." Li Feiyan hugged Qi Yi'an and patted her back gently.
My condolences.
Author's Note:
Why isn't it finished yet? Ugh.
Chapter 37 Medicine.
Every day, Qi Yi'an needs to take pills from numerous bottles and jars, some vitamins, but mostly psychiatric medications. After taking the pills, it's as if a transparent glass wall separates her from those emotions. Sitting with her back to those extremely chaotic emotions, she knows they're always there, just temporarily unsensible. But she can't feel other emotions like joy, anger, sorrow, or thought either. She's like an empty shell, filled with a terrifying void, because those emotions are still there, and they will return. She can't escape them even for a day.
"Qi Yi'an...", "Qi Yi'an..."
Li Feiyan's voice sounded like smoke drifting from a distant chimney. Qi Yi'an finally realized what was happening. "Hmm?"
"I'm back. Why aren't you asleep yet? Did you take your medicine on time?" She turned around and saw Li Feiyan taking off her coat at the door.
"...It's so late, why are you only getting off work now?"
Li Feiyan works in three shifts at the hospital, and Qi Yi'an's schedule is also almost the same. Sometimes, for several days in a row, it seems like the two of them are in different worlds.
Li Feiyan sighed, "It's dawn. I just got off my night shift. Did you go to sleep properly?"
After recovering from surgery, Qi Yi'an developed delirium, depression, anxiety, and other serious mental health complications, most of which were related to her previous experience in the ICU. Her sleep-wake cycle remained disrupted, and she even experienced delusions and hallucinations. Several times, she broke down emotionally, screaming and crying, believing that someone was abusing and murdering her. At other times, she said she saw deceased relatives and friends, as well as non-existent people. Her condition fluctuated, and currently, medication is the only option for temporary control. Li Feiyan, who has been diligently caring for her, is also exhausted.
"Hmm." Qi Yi'an forced a smile, only then realizing that it was already daytime outside the window. She had been sitting there with her eyes open for who knows how long, so much so that when she stood up, she found her hands and feet were cold and stiff.
She struggled to the kitchen with her walking stick, heated up a glass of milk, handed it to Li Feiyan, and walked back to the room with her. She felt guilty, being kindly cared for by someone who was a stranger not long ago, yet she could do nothing but cause trouble.
Li Feiyan lay down beside her, closed her eyes, and her breathing gradually became steady; she really needed to rest.
Qi Yi'an tried to close her eyes, but all that appeared in the empty darkness were gruesome images of red and white flesh and human fragments, broken corpses with limbs twisted into unnatural shapes... Ah... here it comes again... She struggled to take out the medicine and swallow it, her consciousness finally gradually becoming faint and blurred...
If that's the case, why save her? Why let her live? Qi Yi'an wanted to ask Li Feiyan this question, but he had lost even the strength to speak.
"Who are you?"... "There's no such person as Dr. Li."... "You killed that person."... "I didn't say anything."...
Explosion, crash, the excruciating pain of being torn apart, a pierced throat...
...
"Qi Yi'an! Qi Yi'an! Qi Yi'an!"
"call"
Qi Yi'an suddenly opened her eyes, then clutched her head tightly with both hands and screamed hoarsely, her eyes wide open and tears streaming down her face. "It's okay, it's okay..." Li Feiyan saw that she was very unstable after screaming and waking up from a nightmare, so she hugged her and comforted her calmly. This wasn't the first time. "It's okay, An'an, it was just a dream."
Dreams...are they all just dreams?
Qi Yi'an suddenly broke free from Li Feiyan, her eyes bloodshot as she shouted, "Who believes your nonsense! Li Feiyan, you're not a doctor at all! Who are you?! Why did you kill those people? You heartless murderer!" She grabbed everything within reach and threw it at Li Feiyan, then tried to run out the door.
Fortunately, having learned from past mistakes, all the sharp objects in the room that could cause injury had been put away. Li Feiyan removed the pillow that had been thrown at her, got up, and chased after them.
Qi Yi'an's leg muscles had atrophied from years of bed rest. Although she was doing rehabilitation, she wasn't as agile as a normal person. Li Feiyan caught up with her in a few steps and hugged her tightly from behind. Qi Yi'an struggled in vain, her agitation gradually subsiding. The strong arms around her waist and the warmth behind her brought her back to her senses. So what had she done...? Why was everything so painful...? Her mania turned into a wail.
"It's okay...you'll get better...you're just sick..." Li Feiyan fed her a sedative.
Qi Yi'an's vision became increasingly blurry. He managed to catch his breath briefly in the tranquility brought by the medication before finally falling into a deep sleep again.
-----
"Here you are."
Qi Yi'an stood up, supporting herself on a chair, and greeted Zou Yibei with a smile. She had recovered considerably recently and had invited Zou Yibei to her home today. Li Feiyan, who was on night shift, gave her a few words of advice and then left.
"What have you been thinking about lately?" Zou Yibei had heard about Li Feiyan's situation from her and knew about her mental struggles after being discharged from the hospital. He was worried about her and came to see her today.
"I don't know. I feel like a lot happened while I was asleep. I went to many places and met some people. It all felt so real. But when I woke up, it all felt like a dream. Nothing happened, and I can't remember anything..." Qi Yi'an rubbed her head. She hadn't taken her medication today because she didn't want to face her friends like a walking corpse. "But... there were so many painful and terrifying scenes... scenes of blood and gore, that kept replaying in my mind. Every time I closed my eyes, all I saw was those scenes."
"It's all a dream... Don't think too much about it, it's okay." Zou Yibei rubbed her hands.
How is country E doing now?