Geisterreich

Kapitel 32

I often see people like me, at different stages of life, sharing the same loneliness. We know we are kindred spirits, yet we never dare to get close—if we are destined to forget each other, then why be close at all? To know each other and then forget each other is worse than never having known each other at all. Knowing that we will forget each other, forcing ourselves to get to know each other only adds to the regret.

Of course, Ouyang had no idea what I was thinking. He often looked at me with suspicion and worry, which sometimes made me feel sorry for him. But I knew it would all pass. He had already forgotten others, and I was no exception.

Like the last survivor on an iceberg, I greedily savored the last bit of coolness, yet I had to watch helplessly as the raging flames engulfed the last piece of ice I was on. The ice was rapidly shrinking, getting smaller and smaller... I would have nowhere left to stand.

I often think of Li Yuntong, Yu Fei, Meng Ling... all those unfortunate people who shared my fate. We were all abandoned by this society. As a survivor who has not yet disappeared, I feel obligated to remember everything about them—shouldn't we leave something behind? Shouldn't someone remember all of this?

They can't just disappear completely, can they?

Time flowed slowly, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. I could feel its sharp tip circling past me again and again. Each time I thought it was going to cut my cheek, but each time it just grazed my skin.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

Summer is almost here, and I'm still struggling to survive. If it weren't for someone's arrival, I would continue to struggle until society completely abandons me. As long as I haven't reached the final stage, I will never go home, so I can receive a call from my mother every day. I've already decided that once I become invisible, I will go home immediately, otherwise… The thought makes my heart tremble: what if I forget my mother, but she still remembers me? How terrifying is that? What if I forget the way home before I even get there? This thought always gives me the urge to go home immediately, yet I always forcibly suppress it.

This torment continued every day until the arrival of that uninvited guest.

One night, as Xu Xiaobing and I were watching TV, there was a knock on the door. Xu Xiaobing's gentle attitude towards me had vanished with my continued erratic behavior; she had become irritable and easily angered again, often complaining that I was a burden to her. I just listened silently, without arguing—I thought even such scolding was precious.

We only realize the value of something after we lose it. Meng Ling told us this a long time ago, and now I understand it, but Xu Xiaobing doesn't.

When the knock came, Xu Xiaobing was cursing some annoying character on TV. I got up and opened the door. A dark-skinned, thin man stood there, his silent eyes fixed on me. Before I could speak, he tried to walk past me. I stopped him. "Who are you looking for?"

The moment my hand touched his arm, he looked extremely frightened and surprised, jumped back, stared at me blankly for a long time, and then asked, "Is Xu Xiaobing here?"

"Xu Xiaobing, it's for you!" I called out to Xu Xiaobing as I let him in. He carefully passed by me, still carrying that inexplicable fear, which stirred something within me. I wanted to say something, but I held back.

"Who?" Xu Xiaobing stood up, looking at me blankly. Her gaze clearly swept over the person, but didn't linger at all, simply passing by as if the person didn't exist at all.

I stared at the man, my mouth agape. He gave me a wry smile: "She can't see me."

"Who are you?" I asked.

"Who are you talking to? You're acting all crazy," Xu Xiaobing said irritably. The man and I exchanged a glance and gave each other a wry smile. I gestured to him, and we left room 302 and went to the rooftop of number six Yunsheng Street. From here, we could overlook the entire Yunsheng Street; the dark street undulated in the lamplight, and the wind carried the damp smell of the city. We leaned over the railing and looked down for a long time before the man finally spoke: "I'm Pei Xuan. I wonder if Xu Xiaobing has mentioned me to you?"

“Pei Xuan? She mentioned him to me.” I suddenly realized that Xu Xiaobing had once told me that she had mentioned Pei Xuan to other classmates, but those classmates did not remember such a person at all. At the time, we did not take it to heart, but now we know that Pei Xuan is also a person who has died in a social sense.

"Judging from your expression, you probably already know what happened to me?" he asked.

"Um."

“I didn’t want to come to see Xu Xiaobing,” he said, gazing into the distance. “To be honest, Xu Xiaobing is quite pitiful. She has forgotten her father, mother, brother, and sister one by one, and she herself is completely unaware of it, still thinking she is an orphan.”

"What did you say?" I was stunned. "Isn't Xu Xiaobing an orphan?"

“Of course she’s not an orphan,” Pei Xuan sighed. “We grew up together. When she was little, she was very happy. Then, first her father, then her mother, then her older siblings and other relatives and friends, one after another, just like me, she was forgotten one by one. She didn’t remember ever having so many relatives and thought she was born to be so lonely. Later, she made some new friends, but she was very unlucky. Every friend she made was forgotten. Gradually, her personality became very withdrawn. I think you probably felt it too—don’t blame her. Anyone like her would inevitably become withdrawn.”

I thought I would never be surprised by any news again, but Xu Xiaobing's background truly surprised me. No wonder she has such an eccentric personality, no wonder she never calls anyone—because she has no relatives or friends. She is lonely, and believes she was born lonely. If my tragedy lies in being forgotten but refusing to forget others, then Xu Xiaobing's tragedy lies in experiencing the most tragic things, being one of the most unfortunate people in the world, without even knowing it; she once had happy times, but she has no recollection of that happiness. She has no memories of happiness—I've always felt that people's concept of happiness is closely related to their childhood. Basically, people use a beautiful childhood memory as a template for happiness, and Xu Xiaobing lost her template, which is why she appears so indifferent in life, because she has no direction, she doesn't know what she wants… I thought that after bearing such a heavy burden, I would no longer have the energy to sympathize with anyone. But now, I genuinely sympathize with Xu Xiaobing. She is so unfortunate, and her ignorance of her misfortune is what makes her so pitiful. I feel ashamed of my past lack of understanding towards her—if I had known it would be like this, I would have tolerated all her shortcomings like family. Unfortunately, just when she finally considered me a friend, I had to leave—perhaps Meng Ling was once her friend too? Pei Xuan said that all her close friends would eventually be forgotten, and it seems to be true. She is truly unfortunate. Although she hasn't forgotten Meng Ling's name because of her cunning, she completely forgets that she ever had such a friend, and even now she is still afraid of this friend… I suddenly thought of a question and quickly asked Pei Xuan, "How do you remember Xu Xiaobing's past?"

Pei Xuan gave a wry smile: "Because when I was very young, I was able to see people that others couldn't, just like you." Seeing my wide-eyed surprise, he shrugged. "I know that most people are quickly forgotten after this happens. But I'm different. My period was particularly long, and it wasn't until recently that I was slowly forgotten. You know what happens after someone forgets you, right? The person I miss most in this world is Xiao Bing. Even though she's always ignored me, I still don't want her to forget me—even this memory of being ignored is better than being completely forgotten, right?"

"Hmm." I understand how he feels. His story is exactly the same as Yu Fei's, except that he has been holding back from seeing Xu Xiaobing because he wants to preserve his memory in Xu Xiaobing's mind.

“But recently, I’ve noticed my memory is fading,” he said softly, gazing at the deep night below. “I think Xiaobing hasn’t forgotten me yet, but maybe I’m about to forget her. She’s already so pitiful; I can’t let her remember someone who doesn’t remember her. So I came to see her today, hoping she’ll forget me.” He gave a self-deprecating laugh. “I was hoping she wouldn’t forget me so quickly. I thought we could have a few more good days before she completely forgot me, but who knew she wouldn’t even be able to see me anymore!” He bowed his head deeply, seemingly filled with regret.

I understand Xu Xiaobing's situation very well. According to Yu Fei's explanation, after Pei Xuan entered the third stage, Xu Xiaobing's mind stopped translating any of his information; it only left his unique identifier in that functional area. As a result, Xu Xiaobing not only can't see Pei Xuan, but after this meeting, even the memories Pei Xuan left in her mind will be erased. I also understand Pei Xuan's feelings very well. In fact, his thoughts are similar to mine now. I also didn't want my parents to forget me, so no matter how much I missed them, I refused to go home. But now it seems that perhaps I was wrong.

“If I had known it would turn out like this, I would have come to see her sooner. Even if she has forgotten me, I could still stay by her side for a while and see her every day. That would be better than wanting to get close but not daring to.” Pei Xuan said, looking up at me with a bitter smile. “If you have someone you miss very much, I advise you to go see them as soon as possible. Don’t be like me, always saving precious things for the last minute. In the end, you end up with nothing and just waste your last bit of time.”

His last words left me speechless, and I didn't even realize when he left.

I stood on the rooftop for a long time, Pei Xuan's words echoing in my ears. My longing surged like a tidal wave, and this time, I no longer suppressed my longing, letting it overwhelm me.

After going downstairs, Xu Xiaobing asked me where I had been. I made up a lie on the spot and then casually asked about Pei Xuan. Unsurprisingly, she had no idea who Pei Xuan was. Seeing her sitting alone in front of the TV, and thinking about how lonely she had been for so long and would continue to be, I felt immense pity for her. Before I left, I wanted to do something for her.

"Shall we go for coffee?" I said. "I just got paid."

"Oh?" She laughed. "Okay."

We went back into the Hidden Cafe. It was still so small and cramped, just like the first time I'd been there, except the staff had changed a few times, but the coffee tasted the same. Xu Xiaobing and I chatted slowly, for a long time. This was the first time we'd talked so deeply about our ideals. It was then that I realized Xu Xiaobing's ideal was to find an older man and have a home of her own. Perhaps she longed for a home so much that even her husband had to be like a father to her.

“I want a stable home,” she said wistfully. “This is the first time I’ve told anyone this. You may be naive, but you’re not a bad person. I think you’re my friend—I’ve never had any friends before.”

"You will have a home." I sincerely wished her that. I think I'm not the only one who has said this blessing; more people will continue to say it in the future. One day, this blessing will come true. Xu Xiaobing can't always be so unlucky; she won't be alone forever.

The spring breeze that night gently blew through the streets, like ribbons swirling around us, leaving a faint coolness.

35

The next morning, after saying goodbye to Xu Xiaobing, I went to work. Xu Xiaobing was very happy when she left, perhaps because she finally realized that she had a friend. I hope her happiness can last a little longer.

My colleagues at the company were still busy as usual. Although I had been acting strangely for so many days, they didn't do anything to me and remained as friendly as ever. Aunt Xu and Ouyang deserve a lot of credit for this; they were always cleaning up my messes.

"Aunt Xu, you're so kind to me," I said sincerely to Aunt Xu.

"What are you saying?" Aunt Xu tapped my head.

Xiao Geng brought his red head closer, looked me up and down, and said with great enthusiasm, "It seems that Jiang Ling has finally returned to normal."

"Nonsense, when have I ever been abnormal?" I pushed his head away.

Yes, I'm back to normal. I plan to spend this last day like before. I'm working diligently on every creative idea, completing all my tasks quickly and well—I won't have any more job opportunities, and now, even the busyness itself has become lovely. People at the company ask me if I had some good news today, but I don't say anything.

At noon, I had lunch with Ouyang. Ouyang seemed very happy: "What happened to you the other day? Only today do you seem like the person you used to be."

“It’s nothing,” I said, glancing at him and smiling. “Do you think Nancheng is a good place?”

"Not bad." He pursed his lips.

Yes, it's not bad. There are many people here I don't want to forget, so it's a nice city. I quickly turned my head to look out the window, and wiped my eyes behind the curtains.

The meal was very enjoyable. After finishing, Ouyang said, "Shall we go upstairs?"

"You go up first," I said. "I'm meeting a friend to pick up some things."

He nodded.

We walked out of the restaurant, and he walked briskly towards the building entrance. When he reached the entrance, he looked back at me, and I waved to him. He waved back, and I watched him disappear into the elevator before turning around and hailing a taxi.

"Where to?" the driver asked.

"TRAIN STATION."

The train will take me back to that city further south, where I grew up . Every place there holds memories for me—my family, friends, and my parents. I will appear before them, slowly fading from their memories, but I will always remain by their side. Even if they forget me the moment they turn away, even if every close encounter fills me with fear, I will stay with them. Pei Xuan was right; that day would inevitably come. Rather than wasting time in a faraway place, I'd rather savor these last precious moments.

I will not repeat the mistakes Yu Fei and Pei Xuan made, nor will I hide away like Li Yuntong, hiding far away for the rest of my life, eventually even forgetting where my home is—I want to be glued to my home like glue, watching my parents live happily every day. If society truly has a life, it may detach me from it like peeling away a dead cell, but it cannot take away my life, this biological life, the blood flowing in my veins from my parents, and this surging blood makes me feel warm.

A profound loneliness washed over me, and I bent over in my seat, unable to resist looking back at the city that was gradually receding from me—it was gone forever. Xu Xiaobing, Ouyang, Aunt Xu, everyone—were left behind, but in reality, they had abandoned me.

A long road lay ahead, and the taxi was getting closer and closer to the train station, which meant I was getting closer and closer to home.

Closer and closer...

And so it gets further and further away.

(End of article)

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