That said, even though a thousand years have passed here, Xiang Yu only left Yu Ji for a few days, so it's not surprising that he still harbored feelings for her. It's understandable that a successful man like him might crave the feeling of first love.
I gave a few perfunctory replies, and when we arrived at the gas station, I went in to pay. The owner's fourth-grade son came back, dribbling a basketball. When he saw Xiang Yu, he looked up at me with his head parallel to the ground and asked curiously, "Uncle, are you a basketball player?"
Xiang Yu glanced down at him and walked away—I guess he was afraid of accidentally stepping on the child and killing him.
The child dribbled the basketball and innocently asked, "How far can you throw this?" He then tossed the basketball to Xiang Yu. Xiang Yu caught it, paused for a moment, and to prevent the child from bothering him further, he casually tossed it away. The basketball, as if it had grown wings, arced through the air and disappeared. The child initially waited innocently with wide eyes for it to land, but after I paid and came out two minutes later, the child plopped down on the ground and burst into tears.
...I paid the poor kid 50 yuan, all the while grumbling about Xiang Yu. Xiang Yu innocently said, "I didn't use any force," and then proceeded to toss the gas cylinder around, playing with it. I said, terrified, "You can't film this!"
That evening, no television stations in the city could receive any channels. After inspection, an unidentified object resembling a basketball was found in a key part of the television tower receiver.
When we got back, they had basically finished their work, except Qin Shi Huang had a strong garlic smell on his breath. I was puzzled as to how there could be such an emperor, who had to taste even a whole clove of garlic after peeling it. The character for "emperor" with the insect radical doesn't actually come from him, does it?
Liu Bang was indeed good at stirring things up. He had already turned a bowl of egg mixture into a tai chi circle, but he kept stirring it, giving her a fawning, irritating smile, seemingly talking to Baozi about something. The problem was that Baozi wasn't a beauty; if a man tried to chat her up, she wouldn't think twice, which was probably because she looked in the mirror every day.
But from behind, Baozi and Li Shishi are definitely top models. Baozi is less than 2 centimeters taller than Li Shishi. Unlike Li Shishi's devilish figure, Baozi's curves seem to possess a divine quality, like a flawless porcelain piece placed under a beam of sunlight, appearing half-light and half-shadow, with visible dust particles slowly moving under the cylindrical light... To put it simply, the first thing you think when you see her is: this room really needs cleaning—
Li Shishi arranged the washed vegetables for Baozi, who wielded the knife swiftly and said, "Qiangzi, it's nothing. You men can play some cards, then we'll eat."
I grabbed a deck of cards, frowned, and waved my hand dismissively. "You're all coming into this room with me." I called all four of them, including Liu Bang, to Baozi and Li Shishi's bedroom. They stared at me expectantly. This time they understood; Baozi meant "play." Accustomed to constant surprises, they had never seen me play anything with such focus before. I reckon that given their current mindset, they wouldn't be surprised if I turned my slippers into a smoked chicken.
I dumped the cards onto the table with a clatter, spread my hands, and said, "Go ahead and play."
The four men each took a few cards and then looked at each other in bewilderment. Jing Ke examined a square card for a long time and said, "It seems this little man can't move." Qin Shi Huang held the playing cards to his nose and smelled them. I quickly gathered up the cards from their hands because they saw that the cards were greasy and seemed to want to taste them to see if they were salty.
I explained the rules with absolutely no hope. Jing Ke drew a 3 of hearts and placed it on the table. Liu Bang also randomly drew a card, glanced at it, and slammed it down on the table—it was a 4 of clubs. Qin Shi Huang drew a 2 of hearts, flicked his wrist across the table, and glared at Liu Bang, saying, "Look what? I'm bigger than you." Xiang Yu went even further, flipping all the cards over and placing the Joker on top.
To my surprise, these people had actually understood the basic rules.
Actually, I made a mistake. I always assumed they weren't as intelligent as me. Even Jing Ersha (a nickname for a character in a popular TV series) is quite remarkable. Zhao Benshan can make people laugh, but Jing Ersha could fool Fan Yuqi to death. Who's stronger?
I shuffled the cards and played the standard top-ranking game with them. During the game, I helped Fatty Ying correct his habit of taking two cards at once and corrected Liu Bang's habit of looking at other players' cards. We played two rounds in five minutes, and I actually lost both!
Ah, thank goodness I didn't tell them the rule that the losers have to pay tribute.
Chapter Seventeen: 300
With a shout of "Dinner's ready!", I called on everyone to bring their own stools and sit in the living room to eat fruit.
Baozi had already prepared five cold dishes, while Li Shishi kept bringing out the hot dishes. Baozi said, "You guys eat first, I'll wash my hands and come right away."
I was still a little dazed when Baozi sat down.
Now let's summarize this meal: the garlic was peeled by Qin Shi Huang, the rice was washed by Jing Ke, the eggs were cracked by Emperor Gaozu of Han, the gas cylinder was replaced by Xiang Yu, the Hegemon-King of Western Chu, and the waitress was the famous courtesan Li Shishi. If this meal were a movie, the script supervisor would be Tom Cruise, the art director would be Brad Pitt, and the lunchbox delivery would be Marlon Brando. The only downsides are the producer and director, who are respectively Xiao Qiang, the manager of the second-rate pawnshop "number several," and Xiang Shishi, the waitress at a soup dumpling shop.
A few years ago, the media reported a news story that someone spent 360,000 yuan on a meal at a star-rated hotel, which caused a great uproar in society.
The cost of my meal was 180 yuan, but in terms of historical significance, I estimate that the bean sprout that fell to the ground and was stepped on by the steamed bun cost more than that.
Baozi tapped on the table: "Qiangzi, what are you daydreaming about?"
I then realized that everyone at the table was staring at me, and no one had touched their chopsticks. I asked Qin Shi Huang curiously, "Brother Ying, why aren't you eating?"
Qin Shi Huang patted his chopsticks and said, "You are also the master of this mouth, so I have to give you face on formal occasions."
So all these emperors and heroes at the table were waiting for me to start. I slapped myself hard to wake up, picked up a bok choy with my chopsticks, and said, "Eat, eat."
Liu Bang said in surprise, "You have such rules when you eat?" He then slapped himself and picked up a piece of braised beef and stuffed it into his mouth.
Qin Shi Huang: "I didn't know I was hungry before." He slapped himself and went to eat.
Xiang Yu: "That's quite peculiar." He slapped himself and picked up a ribbonfish.
Jing Ke: "..." Slap himself and eat cauliflower.
Li Shishi laughed and asked, "Is it a local custom?" She touched her face and ate a shrimp.
Baozi was taken aback, then laughed and said, "You guys are being too noisy." She started eating right away. Everyone at the table pointed at her angrily, so Baozi had no choice but to laugh and give herself a slap too. Then she put out two bottles of Sanliangye liquor and a bottle of champagne, handing me the white liquor: "Pour everyone some drinks."
Li Shishi hurriedly took the cup, first filling Baozi's cup, and said with a smile, "My cousin-in-law has worked hard all day, so we should toast her first." Then, holding the bottle, she looked around at everyone and said with a smile, "Everyone here is..." I stared at her nervously, and she sensed it too. She glanced at me, then at Baozi, paused for a moment, and then said, "...all outstanding people (where did she learn this from?), Shi... I'll pour everyone's cups in the order we met, so please don't complain." As she spoke, she first filled Jing Ersha's cup: "Brother Jing has always been the number one hero in my heart." Then, she smiled at Ying Pangzi: "I'll say it again, Brother Ying is a hero who commands the world." To Xiang Yu: "Your strength is unparalleled, Brother Xiang's talent and magnanimity are truly astounding. I wish you a speedy reunion with Sister Yu, and a harmonious union of lovers."
Baozi was dumbfounded: "Xiaonan, aren't you a model?" Then she asked Xiang Yu stupidly, "Your partner's surname is Yu?" Li Shishi smiled at her, then turned to Liu Bang, who looked like he had no nose or eyes, and said, "As for Brother Liu, hehe, your ability to use people is unparalleled throughout history." Liu Bang savored the words and nodded.
Li Shishi faced me, her eyes sparkling with mischief and teasing. I raised my glass to her: "Say no more, cousin, it's fate." This wretched woman, dancing on a knife's edge, playing heart games with me. If Baozi hadn't skipped class back in school, he would have been exposed.
Li Shishi poured wine into both my and her own cups. Baozi even said, "I didn't expect my cousin to be able to drink baijiu. I wasted my money buying that bottle of colored liquor."
I stood up, holding my glass: "Everyone, it's fate that we've met. Stay in my area for a while, and then we'll go our separate ways (I wish I could add 'never see each other again'). If we do meet again in the future, we can still be friends."
Baozi forced a smile and said, "Qiangzi is really going to talk more and more outrageous..." Of course, she could tell that what I said was a bit ridiculous, and she was just trying to cover it up for me.
No one else present paid any attention except her; I was just telling the truth.
Baozi said, "Let's have our first drink, Xiaonan, you can take it slow." Then he downed it in one gulp.
Why am I still somewhat dependent on Baozi, even though she's so ugly? She can make up for all the embarrassment I've caused in everyday life at the dinner table. Normally, after one drink from Baozi, every friend would give her a thumbs up, but today, not a single one…
Jing Ke and Xiang Yu had probably never seen anyone drink from such a small cup with such flair. They both gulped down their drinks and looked at the bottle at the same time. The two idiots must have been a drunkard, a kind of proletarian rogue, whose brains were probably ruined by alcohol. Xiang Yu, on the night he was surrounded, drank all night and still managed to fight his way to the riverbank; he was probably the legendary "two-jin drinker."
Qin Shihuang and Liu Bang were not used to each other drinking first when someone offered a toast. After Li Shishi finished her cup, she frowned but said nothing.
Baozi picked up the bottle and laughed, "Looks like everyone can have a drink?"
Driven by Baozi, the three rounds of drinking took less than 10 minutes. Qin Shihuang, who had never drunk such high-proof liquor before, was clearly a little tipsy. He put his arm around Jing Ke's shoulder and said, "That was wrong of me back then, you shouldn't have treated me like that..." I quickly interrupted, "Let's not talk about unpleasant things."
Baozi asked me what happened, and I made up a story: "These two used to be in a band and had a falling out."
Li Shishi whispered to Xiang Yu, expressing her admiration for Yu Ji. She had been drinking and was clearly not thinking straight, asking Xiang Yu for a picture of Yu Ji.