I stood at the door and said, "If you two want to fight, go outside." If these two were to start fighting, wouldn't that ball lightning fly around like flies?
But neither of them was in the mood to joke with me, nor did they respond to my remarks. Liu Laoliu walked into the house with a serious expression, picked up the cigarette case on the table, took out a cigarette, and put it in his mouth; He Tiandou sat opposite him, also without saying a word.
I walked back to get a cigarette, but Liu Laoliu said seriously, "This is the last one."
I was speechless. I noticed he had a hairpin tucked behind his ear...
I sat bored on the sofa, crossed my legs, and said, "Tell me, how did you two get together?"
The two men exchanged a glance, and He Tiandou nodded slightly to Liu Laoliu, indicating that he would speak first.
He Tiandou said seriously, "We don't have much time left. Our relationship isn't the most important thing. Let me talk about myself first. Xiaoqiang, do you know who I am?"
I said, "All I know is that you were once a deity."
He Tiandou smiled faintly, "Not only did I serve in that position, but I was also at a very high rank. I am the only deity who can be compared to the entire Heavenly Court. I am connected to the authorities yet relatively independent. How can I explain it to you..."
I prompted him, "Is it equivalent to a people's representative?"
He Tiandou laughed and said, "That's somewhat true."
I said, "What exactly is going on between you two?"
He Tiandou said, "Although time is of the essence, I still need to explain the whole story to you—"
At this point, He Tiandou suddenly asked me a very strange question: "Before you met us, did you believe in gods?"
I simply said, "I don't believe it."
He Tiandou said, "You're right not to believe it. In a sense, there really are no gods in this world, nor should there be any."
"What's the meaning?"
"In your eyes, gods seem to be high above and able to control everything. But that's not true. Heaven and Earth are like two countries. There may be some necessary contact, but in essence, they live their own lives. Gods are indeed powerful, and they do have the power to do whatever they want in Earth, but Heaven and I will not allow such things to happen, including those gods who want to do good deeds anonymously. No matter what the purpose, gods descending to Earth is a very taboo thing."
I asked blankly, "Why is that?"
Liu Laoliu interjected, "Have you ever thought about this? If gods could descend to the mortal realm at will, while some might come with the intention of upholding justice and helping the weak, there would inevitably be those who are simply greedy for pleasure. On earth, they could easily manipulate events, making it incredibly easy for them to become emperors—and it would be a truly eternal dynasty. Even if they were tyrannical and cruel, no one could resist them. Hundreds of thousands of troops would be nothing more than a breath or a cough for a god with normal magical powers—of course, most of us gods are of high moral character and wouldn't do such a thing, but who can guarantee otherwise…"
I yelled, "You guys have no manners whatsoever—you should put the cigarette in my ear first before we talk."
...I lit my last cigarette and said to He Tiandou, "Go on, what exactly do you mean?"
He Tiandou said, "Liu Laoliu's point is that relying solely on the self-discipline of immortals is not enough to prevent them from descending to the mortal realm. Therefore, the Heavenly Court has placed a very strong seal on the entrance to the human world. Moreover, it is clearly stipulated that anyone who needs to descend to the mortal realm under special circumstances must be reviewed by 69 government departments and interviewed by 13 officials or even more. Finally, and most importantly, they are not allowed to use their magical powers after descending to the mortal realm. Of course, immortals who descend to the mortal realm will not have much magical power to use either, as we will take away all their magical power and conduct thorough checks."
I said impatiently, "What's the point of all this rambling on and on?"
"I'm telling you all this so you understand that the Celestial Realm and the Human Realm are two completely independent worlds. There should be absolutely no contact between them, and neither should harass the other. Gods are not omnipotent." At this point, He Tiandou suddenly became extremely solemn, emphasizing his words, "Because above the Human Realm and the Celestial Realm, there is a power called the Heavenly Dao!"
I quickly sat up straight and said, "Oh, I'm interested in this. Finally, I don't have to listen to your bragging anymore."
He Tiandou ignored me and continued, "The Heavenly Dao is to us the same as gods and humans. It seems to exist yet not exist, its power surpasses ours, yet it remains relatively undisturbed by us. The role of the Heavenly Dao is to oversee the balance between the celestial and mortal realms. Whenever a god descends to the mortal realm, the Heavenly Dao awakens; and if a god commits a rebellious act, the Heavenly Dao will punish the entire celestial realm!"
I exclaimed excitedly, "If Dao-ge is such a good person, then why did you and Liu Laoliu come down here?"
He Tiandou smiled wryly and said, "This brings us back to myself. My specific identity is that of a deity in charge of the human realm's axis; I do not belong to any department of the Heavenly Court."
I knew we were getting to the important part, so I quickly asked, "What is the human axis?"
"The Human Realm Axis is actually the reflection of every action in the human world, from the rise and fall of dynasties to the joys and sorrows of every ordinary person. The deity who governs the Human Realm Axis is called the Heavenly Official. He cannot be appointed by others or elected by the people, but is chosen from among the gods according to certain instructions from the Heavenly Way..."
I said, "I understand. If we compare the heavenly realm to the human realm, then you're like a clergy member of the heavenly court—you're awesome, a god among gods, Lao He!"
He Tiandou said with a wry smile, "I, as the God of Gods, don't actually have any real power, but my status is really high. That's why I say I'm someone who can be compared to the entire Heavenly Court—that is, the Heavenly Government."
"Hmm, it's like the Pope and the King, those two brothers. So what do you do every day when you're facing the Human Realm Axis?" Thinking about this, I suddenly felt a chill. According to He Tiandou, does that mean I can see what's going on when I'm being intimate with Baozi through that thing? Ugh, this thing is practically an essential tool for voyeurism!
Even if He Tiandou didn't use mind-reading on me, he probably guessed the filthy thoughts in my mind. He glared at me and said, "It's not about checking every day, just checking occasionally is enough. The main purpose of doing this is to understand and monitor whether there are any immortals who have secretly descended to the mortal world. Before they offend the Heavenly Dao, we will send people to catch them like illegal immigrants. However, with such strict measures, this situation has never happened even once, so my position as Heavenly Official is a very idle one."
I asked, "What does the human world axis look like?"
"Like a ruler, it has markings, and each marking represents a dynasty or a period of history."
"Hmm, and then what?"
He Tiandou sighed deeply and said, "Then the trouble started." Liu Laoliu also showed a complicated expression and sighed as well.
I quickly made myself a cup of tea and grabbed a handful of melon seeds to eat. I love listening to other people's stories of hardship, especially those of Liu Laoliu and He Tiandou.
He Tiandou said, “You need to understand, that axis of the human realm is like a vertical test tube. The very top long section represents humanity’s primitive period. Starting with the Yellow Emperor and the Yan Emperor, precise measurements were taken, and then it went down step by step, like the Xia, Shang, Zhou, Qin, and Han dynasties. There isn’t just one axis of the human realm, but countless ones. I shouldn’t have knocked over this first one…”
"Huh?" Although it seems to be none of my business right now, I know how serious this matter is. That Human Realm Axis is the only thing in the Heavenly Realm that can be called a treasure! And this treasure is also related to the lives of the gods!
"So what happened in the end?"
He Tiandou said, "The Human Realm Axis is not just a tool to reflect the human realm; it is actually a microcosm and the origin of the human realm. I was worried that the human realm would be in chaos and change if the Human Realm Axis collapsed, but fortunately it did not. History has not changed at all, and humanity is living in peace."
I breathed a sigh of relief.
“But—” He Tiandou’s tone shifted again, making me gasp, “Because of this incident, the Heavenly Court decided to revoke my Heavenly Official qualification. Tampering with the Human Realm Axis was an unintentional mistake, and nothing in the Human Realm has changed. I argued my case, but they ended up joining forces to forcefully banish me from the Human Realm.”
I nudged Liu Laoliu: "You guys did it, didn't you?"
He Tiandou said indignantly, "That's how I was defeated. But my abilities are not as small as they think. After all, in the Heavenly Realm, I represent the Heavenly Dao. Also, because my work is easy, I often spend my time chatting with Meng Po on the Bridge of Helplessness and have drunk her soup quite a bit. I've long since developed a resistance to it. Later, when they subdued me and forced me to drink Meng Po's soup and be banished to the mortal world, not only was my primordial spirit still intact, but my memories were also not erased. That's how He Tiandou came to be."
I said, "Sure enough, Pigsy should feel sorry for you."
"Having suffered all this, I am determined to take revenge on the Heavenly Court. However, my remaining magical power is no longer enough to influence the Heavenly Dao. Just then, the King of Hell had an incident where he made a mistake in the Book of Life and Death. I immediately knew what to do and decided to make the most of this opportunity!"