Each of the guards had tears in their eyes as they called out, "General..."
I watched from the sidelines, utterly bored. What is this? Playing the sentimental game. Look at those soldiers, their tears were certainly plentiful, their body language undeniably rich, but they all seemed so adept at it, clearly trained in acting.
Zhang Han rode his horse to the forefront of the Qin army, turned his horse to face the soldiers, paused for a moment, and then said with deep emotion: "Soldiers, you are the protective shield of Great Qin. Your footsteps have once traversed the six states. Today's prosperity was bought with the bright red blood of your fathers and brothers! Behind you and beneath your feet lies the land of Great Qin; your loved ones are watching you silently; and the warriors who fought alongside you are watching you!"
Zhang Han suddenly turned his back, pointed in our direction, and said in a fierce voice, "Their feet are also on the land of our Great Qin. Now, I want you to charge forward, cut off their heads, and wash away our shame as soldiers with the blood of the enemy!" Zhang Han drew an iron sword and raised it high, roaring in a trembling voice, "Today, I am willing to share victory with you or fall with you. I will always be in front of you, leading the way. My only wish is that after I die, you can step over my corpse and continue forward!"
I got goosebumps. I must say, Zhang Han's pre-battle mobilization was truly moving and successful. He had mobilized the Qin soldiers at the forefront; they were all fired up, their faces contorted with rage, raising their weapons and shouting in unison, "Kill! Kill!"
The battle cries of 100,000 men shook the entire grassland, causing the wind to shift abruptly, as if not a single blade of grass dared to sway. I thought with distress: perhaps I shouldn't have come… As a high-ranking general, I was standing in the front row. Also, before Xiang Yu went out to speak, he told me some inside information: when he fought this battle before, he brought 50,000 men. Although he won, the troops sent to raid Zhang Han's main camp suffered heavy losses. This time, he felt we didn't need that many men, so he sent another 20,000 to Jiyuan—
I lowered my eyes and muttered to myself, "I shouldn't have come, I shouldn't have come..."
By this time, Xiang Yu had returned to his unit. He was right beside me, holding his gun and smiling as he watched Zhang Han's speech, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the enemy's momentum had now overwhelmed the Chu army. I didn't believe that the Chu army's physical strength was sufficient to fight against an enemy that outnumbered them by more than three times. Xiang Yu himself had said that if the enemy truly fought desperately, 30,000 men could never defeat 100,000.
Xiang Yu glanced at Zhang Han's army, which was already mobilizing its attack formation, and suddenly patted my shoulder with a smile, saying, "Xiao Qiang, why don't you say a few words to us too?"
I asked in astonishment, "What did you say?"
"Like that last time, you were quite good at saying things like, 'We never want to start a war, but we are never afraid of war.' Our army needs to project momentum."
I was instantly exasperated. Last time it was a brawl, this time it's a war—can they be the same? Besides, what am I supposed to say? Old Zhang has already used up all the exciting gimmicks. I frantically tried to recall all the inspiring lines from movies I'd ever seen. No way! In other novels, it seems like some characters actually manage to get by with lines at this point—the protagonist unleashes a burst of righteous indignation, delivers a speech, and the crowd is instantly filled with fervor, making the powerful enemy pale in comparison—but the problem is, right now the Qin army is surging with fervor, and we're completely outmatched. Did that Zhang Han guy time-travel too?
"We must show the enemy through our actions that you can take our lives but not our freedom"? That won't do. This isn't the Scottish Rebellion, and besides, Hu Hai didn't demand the right of the first night.
"Today, whoever sheds blood with me is my brother"? That won't work either; it's too vague. That kind of line is only suitable for when you're surrounded like a country bumpkin with only a hundred or so underlings by your side. It's really arousing.
"Brothers, charge!" This won't work.
"Brothers, hold on—" This won't do.
"Don't shoot...don't shoot, it's me—" This won't do.
"Dynamic light wave, beep beep beep beep beep!"...
"Give me eight hundred urban management officers..."
I'm so worried, so depressed, my hair is falling out in clumps. If I can't say something powerful and impactful at this crucial moment, what will happen to these 30,000 people?
Meanwhile, everyone nearby was eagerly waiting—waiting for me to say something grand and impressive. But really, no matter what I said, the battle would still have to go on, right? Besides, they knew I couldn't say anything more eloquent. It's just personal curiosity; don't people shout something before they die?—nobody watches the execution of a mute.
The result was that I looked at these people, and they looked at me, staring at each other for ages, and still couldn't think of a single word. You tell me, the day before yesterday I was sitting at home smoking, and today I'm here in the Qin Dynasty, like I'm having a poetry contest with the general. What the hell is this? I suddenly felt a huge sense of absurdity, especially from the soldiers looking at me, all of them staring blankly. Under their astonished gazes, I couldn't help but burst out laughing.
As soon as I finished laughing, I realized how serious things were. I hadn't remembered a single inspiring line, and I'd squandered my last bit of morale. It would be a miracle if we could win this battle. It suddenly occurred to me that since history on the human axis had lost its course, even a small thing could change history. So, the battle I was facing had no predetermined outcome. Not only had the original 50,000 men become 30,000, but there was also someone like me... (laughs).
On this battlefield where everyone's nerves were on edge, my laughter caused the soldiers in front of me to burst into laughter as well. This laughter spread like deadly poison. Laughter is inappropriate in this situation, but it's also incredibly contagious. Those behind don't know why the people in front are laughing, but once the laughter starts, they can't help but laugh along. It's like waiting for a high-ranking person to speak, and in the most silent moment, someone lets out a loud fart; once someone starts it, everyone can only suppress their laughter.
Later, the news spread like wildfire, and our entire force of 30,000 men was laughing uncontrollably. The Qin army opposite us, who had been riding high on their morale, were suddenly stunned by the laughter. Seeing their enemy laughing so carelessly, as if they had heard something utterly ridiculous, they were all taken aback. Without realizing it, their raised weapons slowly fell, and they looked at each other in bewilderment amidst our laughter.
Zhang was already furious. When he realized his soldiers had laid down their weapons, he knew things were going badly. He tried to rouse their spirits again, repeatedly saying, "Soldiers... what's beneath our feet is..." But who was listening to his rambling? Besides, the laughter drowned out his words, and no one could hear what he was saying.
Seeing that the time was ripe, Xiang Yu suddenly put his arm around my shoulder and whispered, "Let your soldiers see you. Perform." Without saying a word to anyone, he spurred his horse and charged towards the opposite side, his spear held high, exuding an aura of overwhelming power. The 100 guards silently followed. Xiang Yu's golden armor reflected countless rays of light under the sun, his cloak fluttering in the wind, making him appear like a god descending to earth. The remaining 100 guards, clad in pale gold armor, followed behind like stars surrounding the moon. This group was visible to the Chu army no matter how far away they were.
Zhang Han was still at the forefront of the Qin army when Xiang Yu charged. He instinctively turned his horse and circled around to hide among his personal guards. This immediately threw the Qin army into disarray. Their general had been driven back, and all the talk about "he would lead the way" was just empty words. Naturally, the Qin army's morale collapsed, and they didn't know whether to charge forward or defend their positions.
The Chu army, however, was completely different. With their general charging forward fearlessly, how could their subordinates dare to slack off? They hastily summoned their respective units and charged towards the Qin ranks like madmen. Xiang Yu's spear thrust left and right, and he and his horse had already carved a long way through like a sharp knife piercing a cream cake. His personal guards, each exceptionally ruthless, seemed a fraction of a second slower than him, but they perfectly protected Xiang Yu's rear. These 100 men, like arrowheads, split into layers, closely following Xiang Yu deep into the enemy ranks.
The Qin army's vanguard, bewildered and helpless, offered only token resistance before turning and collapsing. The entire army of 100,000 was wiped out before a single soldier was killed…
Later, it wasn't until the Qin army had completely disappeared from my sight that I realized what Xiang Yu meant. He had already judged that the enemy would collapse in one blow, so he wanted me to go up and perform. What could I perform with...? My brick bag was still in the car.
Chapter Eighty-Six: The Rice Trajectory
Before me flowed an army like a river, with infantry, chariots and cavalry, chasing after the enemy with great eagerness. Whenever someone passed by me, they would smile at me with admiration and worship.
Standing still, my valiant image remained unaffected. Now was the time to press the attack; a general charging ahead meant nothing. But my smile left a deep impression on them—what a spirit it was! Fearless, bold, and disdainful, treating an enemy army of 100,000 as nothing. I think it won't be long before the whole world knows that in Xiang Yu's army there was a general who didn't know anything, dressed in plain clothes, and his name was Xiao Qiang…
This place is no longer safe; I've almost stolen all of Xiang Yu's thunder.
I rode my horse slowly across the battlefield, feeling an indescribable loneliness and desolation. It's lonely at the top. Actually, I can't ride a horse, otherwise I would have charged up there long ago. Who doesn't like to beat a drowning dog?
We set off in the morning and Xiang Yu didn't regroup his troops until evening before slowly returning to camp. The battle lasted for most of the day, or rather, the Chu army pursued the Qin army for most of the day, beheading eight thousand and seizing countless military supplies. Zhang Han's whereabouts were unknown, but Xiang Yu had told me that he would surrender on his own soon.
As the sun set, Xiang Yu held his helmet in his hands, his personal guards standing behind him. A victorious general returning home, loyal soldiers, the vast grasslands—what a stirring scene!
Seeing me standing there alone, Xiang Yu laughed loudly, "Why aren't you chasing after them? You won't have such a good chance to have fun when you get back." As he spoke, he suddenly leaned close to me and whispered, "Xiao Qiang, if it weren't for your laugh, many of us would have died."
I said smugly, "Really? This is nothing. From now on, when you go to war, I'll be in charge of making you laugh. A silly laugh is five yuan, a gentle smile is ten yuan, and a loud laugh is twenty yuan..." I suddenly stopped talking. Wouldn't that make me a giggle seller?
However, the value of my smile was undeniable. Had I uttered something even more inspiring to the soldiers, the outcome would have been a stalemate between the Qin and Chu armies, with Xiang Yu barely managing a victory—because the Qin army's morale was indeed lower than that of the Chu army, which had already risen in rebellion. Another possibility was that Xiang Yu would have been utterly defeated. Therefore, the value of my smile wasn't simply turning the tide of a war, but rather a turning point in history.
What does it mean to have a smile that can topple a city, and another smile that can topple a nation? That's me!
I said, "To be honest, Hu Hai is still our junior. It's ridiculous that two uncles ganged up on their nephew."
Xiang Yu snorted and said, "Unless Old Ying is resurrected, I'm determined to seize this world. By the way, you'd better hurry up and restore Liu Bang's memories, otherwise my victory will be dishonest." Xiang Yu smiled slightly as he said this. It was clear that after that year together, he no longer harbored any murderous intent towards Liu Bang, but he was determined to win this battle.
I was speechless. The initiative was now entirely in Xiang Yu's hands. If things continued like this, Liu Bang was bound to suffer losses. No matter who his advisors were, like Zhang Liang and Han Xin, they had lost their value as strategists. To put it more formally, Xiang Yu knew exactly what they were going to do the moment they made a move…
After returning home that evening, Xiang Yu ordered his entire army to rest and improve their meals. Zhang Han's defeat meant that Xiang Yu had no natural enemies for the foreseeable future. Aside from occasional minor skirmishes with the disloyal feudal lords, he had no major moves planned.
Inside Xiang Yu's tent, I said to him, "Well, Brother Yu, I have to go back tomorrow."
Xiang Yu paused and said, "So soon? That won't do. We can't stay for a year or two, we should at least stay for a month or two."
I said, "It's not good for me to stay here and steal your thunder all the time. Besides, Baozi is pregnant, and I didn't even tell you I was coming here..."