Her home address and privacy were widely circulated and gossiped about.
She also called the Badminton Association multiple times to inquire when competitions and training could resume, but received no clear answer.
She doesn't know when it started, but she can't sleep through the night. When she finally manages to get a short, light sleep, the slightest noise will wake her up. Then she sits up, expressionless, and waits for dawn.
She felt like each day was an eternity.
Meanwhile, her "good father" put on a show of filial piety online, looking at the camera with tears in his eyes and pleading.
"Please stop scolding my daughter and stop harassing her. I'm old and just want her to come back to me, take on her responsibilities in supporting me, and live a happy and harmonious life as a family."
His face was hypocritical and repulsive. Xie Shi'an felt nauseous and got up to turn off the TV.
The moment the first sycamore leaf fell outside the window, a thought popped into Xie Shi'an's mind:
Why not just disappear? Nobody loves her anyway.
Strangely enough, once this thought popped into her head, she seemed to breathe a sigh of relief and became unusually calm and relaxed.
Even when her father called again to ask for money.
Xie Shi'an simply said, "I have no money."
"How is that possible? You're a world champion—"
Before he could finish speaking, he was interrupted.
"No, you will never see me again, nor will you receive a single penny, or even the slightest bit of attention or warmth, from me."
The other party paused for a few seconds, and before he could start cursing, Xie Shi'an hung up the phone decisively.
The first time she went downstairs in days was to buy liquor and sleeping pills.
Cutting her wrists was too painful, she was afraid of the pain, and jumping off a building would break her into pieces and hit someone else, which was too undignified.
She didn't come into this world beautifully, so at least when she leaves, she should leave with some dignity and not cause trouble for others.
Before leaving, she tidied up the house one last time. Grandpa's plants had withered, so she carried them in from the balcony.
I often think of her and leave it for her.
Her last text message was sent to Coach Liang.
"Coach Liang, I'm sorry, I've thought it through, I want to retire."
After saying that, he threw the phone into the brazier.
It seems she has nothing left to cherish or care about.
The certificate of honor was burned.
Team uniforms, burn them.
The photo was burned.
The medals that had been earned with great difficulty were also thrown into the fire.
Watching the flames rise, Xie Shi'an laughed, unscrewed the cap of the sleeping pill bottle, and leaned his head back on the sofa.
When I opened my eyes again, all I saw was a snow-white ceiling.
A strong smell of disinfectant wafted into my nostrils.
I thought I was going to heaven, but I ended up in hell instead.
Xie Shi'an closed his eyes in disappointment.
During her hospitalization, Jian Changnian brought her food every day. She also changed a lot, becoming unusually silent. She didn't ask her why she wanted to commit suicide, nor did she say any high-sounding words to comfort her. Often, the two of them would sit in the same room, looking at each other in silence.
When Jian Changnian was around, she would eat something and cooperate with the doctor's treatment. But as soon as she left, Xie Shi'an would throw the medicine prescribed by the doctor into the trash can. Even so, she never got better.
Qiao Yuchu also visited her a few times, always with Jin Shunqi. I don't know why, but it seems that after this incident, her brain automatically developed an obstacle avoidance function.
People you don't want to see won't be seen even if they're right in front of you, and words you don't want to hear won't be heard even if they're repeated several times.
Qiao Yuchu spent a lot of time trying to persuade her, but seeing that she was still numb and lost in thought, probably not having listened to a single word, she sighed helplessly, turned around and pulled Jin Shunqi away.
The ward returned to its former tranquility.
When the nurse came in to change her dressing, Xie Shi'an felt a secret sense of pleasure as the IV needle pierced the bluish vein on the back of her hand. She even wished it would go deeper and hurt more.
After the nurse left, she stared at the IV needle on the back of her hand for a long time.
It's so long and so thin, I wonder if it would kill me if it pierced my neck?
Finally, Xie Shi'an slowly raised his right hand, tore off the tape on the back of his left hand, and pulled out the needle all at once.
Blood was oozing from the tiny syringe.
Jian Changnian rushed in carrying a lunchbox, raised her hand and slapped her. After being silent for so many days, she finally exploded.
She was crying and cursing, trembling like a leaf.
"Xie Shi'an, are you ever going to stop?!"
That slap was quite hard; a red mark appeared on Xie Shi'an's pale face, but she just grinned.
A contemptuous, disdainful, sarcastic, lifeless laugh.
Why did you save me?
Jian Changnian has always been gentle. Because of her young age, she was often bullied in the team. She rarely spoke loudly and never dared to argue with anyone. Yet, after hearing her say those words, he roughly pulled her off the bed.
With her eyes red, she looked even more like a madwoman than she did.
Xie Shi'an was dragged along, staggering as he walked out.
Where are you taking me?
Jian Changnian hailed a taxi at the hospital entrance.
As the vehicle drove further and further away, leaving the bustling city center, the scenery on both sides of the road changed from high-rise buildings to endless rice paddies.
Xie Shi'an's expression changed.
When the car stopped, she pushed open the door and tried to run back, but Jian Changnian caught up and pulled her back.
"You want to die? This is where the dead stay."
Xie Shi'an tried to break free from her time and time again, but she didn't know when it started, but her strength had become greater than hers.
In vain, she struggled and resisted, only to be swept along and shoved in front of her mentor.
The wind was howling in the cemetery.
Jian Changnian gritted her teeth, her eyes red-rimmed.
"You want to die?! Come on! Tell Coach Yan in front of you that you don't want to live anymore, that you want to retire! Don't bother with all those other methods, like sleeping pills or self-harm. Just kill yourself right here today, and I won't stop you!"
Yan Xinyuan is smiling at her in the black and white photo.
Coach Yan, Coach Yan...
Those images she had deliberately buried flooded her mind again: the person who gently yet sternly criticized her for her mistakes, the person who patiently taught her in the training room, the person who would carefully straighten her collar before she went on stage, and the person who, after learning about her sexual orientation, still patted her head and said, "It is indeed a little strange for an old-fashioned person like me, but when I think of you as my apprentice, it's not strange at all."
People who always look forward to her shining brightly on the world badminton stage.
He was also the last person in the world to love her.
“Coach Yan…” A wave of bitterness welled up in her eyes, and Xie Shi’an’s voice was hoarse. The numb mask on her face finally cracked, and the vivid, familiar pain swept over her body once again.
The wind in the cemetery grew increasingly fierce.
The last downpour of summer arrived as expected.
Jian Changnian choked up, clenched her fists, and tears streamed down her face.
"Coach Yan loves you so much. He pinned all his hopes for the Grand Slam on you. If it weren't for accompanying you to the World Championships and the Asian Cup, he wouldn't have dragged it out to the point of no return."
“When he was in the ICU, the doctor said he was going to die soon and issued two critical condition notices. He held on until you came back and saw you for the last time before he passed away. Even in his will, he told you to take good care of yourself.”
"Xie Shi'an, is this how you repay him?"
The thunder was deafening, and the rain poured down, washing over her body and the gray stone tablet in front of her. The old man's eyes were clean and bright, and his gaze toward her remained gentle and loving.
Xie Shi'an could no longer hold back. He bent his knees and knelt heavily before his mentor, wailing loudly.
In the rain, her cries were so heart-wrenching that just listening to them brought tears to one's eyes.
Jian Changnian also knelt down and pulled her thin shoulders into his arms: "Cry, it will be alright after you cry."
Xie Shi'an grabbed the back of her clothes, like a drowning person grabbing the last piece of driftwood. The two people who had lost their loved ones embraced each other tightly at this moment. They were the only ones in the whole world who truly understood each other.
***
After returning to the hospital and taking a shower, Jian Changnian thought for a moment, then took the letter out of her bag and handed it to her.
"Would you... like to take a look?"
Xie Shi'an paused for a moment, then slowly reached out and took it.
Besides the suicide note, the envelope also contained an IOU, which Jian Changnian had given him before because he couldn't afford to attend the training camp.
Xie Shi'an unfolded the letter, and after reading just one line, tears welled up in his eyes.
Shi An, Chang Nian:
Seeing these words is like seeing the person in person.
I may not live to see you return from London, so I wrote this letter in advance and entrusted Coach Liang to deliver it to you after my death.
There are so many kids in the provincial team, but you are the ones I worry about the most. Life is always full of twists and turns, especially for children who don't have the love and protection of their parents. So when I was diagnosed with lung cancer, I was thinking, what will happen to you?
But children without umbrellas need to learn to run even harder. You can ask Coach Liang and Wan Jing for help with life and training. The rest depends on yourselves supporting each other. Remember, no matter what difficulties you face, first, be an upright and kind person; second, persist in exercising and take good care of yourselves; and third, whether you continue playing ball in the future or not, I hope you can do what you love and persevere.
After Niu Niu passed away, I began to reflect on myself. Had the Grand Slam become my obsession and a burden to others? I know that the Grand Slam is an honor that every professional athlete dreams of, but as your teacher and your elder...
My greatest wish is to see you all spend every day happily, joyfully, and healthily.
I also wish you that you will not be defeated by any difficulties, and that you will always have the courage to start over.
By the way, bury me next to your teacher's wife so that the three of us can be reunited. Then come back to visit often when you have time, keep me company, and remember to bring me my favorite wine and my usual cigarettes.
Yan Xinyuan, on August 3, 2012, wrote his last words.