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Sitting in the classroom, Hu Ni was restless, her thoughts wandering aimlessly. On the platform, the teacher lectured listlessly, his mouth opening and closing, uttering many sounds, but Hu Ni couldn't catch a single complete sentence. There were few students in the audience, probably because they hadn't slept well the night before and wanted to go home early to catch up on their sleep.
Before long, Hu Ni realized that sitting there today was completely futile; she hadn't absorbed anything. But she still preferred to sit there, at least it offered a tiny bit of restraint to her boundless thoughts.
The teacher tidied up her textbooks and handouts and left. The sound of chairs flipping over echoed in the classroom; get out of class was over.
Stepping out of the classroom, it was already completely dark. In the deep blue sky, there were twinkling stars and a cold, bright moon. In a city like Shenzhen, it was truly gratifying to see such a clean and clear starry sky.
Hurrying through the campus, past groups of college students or solitary figures brimming with youthful energy, Hu Ni understood that some things are truly gone forever, like her lost youth and the changes in her body. Hu Ni subconsciously touched her lower abdomen; it still ached faintly, a pain that pierced her heart.
Hu Ni checked her phone again; it still had power and the signal was strong.
Walking onto the brightly lit overpass, warmly illuminated by streetlights, the area was still bustling with activity. The vendors didn't shout out their wares; they simply wrote their prices in large letters on signs and eagerly awaited each passerby to approach their stall. Then, they would enthusiastically introduce the freshness and delicious taste of their fruit.
The portrait-painting boy was still there. There were no customers, but he continued painting. His girlfriend, with her round face and small eyes, sat in front of him. The girl looked at her lover with undisguised, almost adoring, adoration. Passing by today, Hu Ni felt a particularly sharp pain in her heart. She left in a hurry.
After passing Xuefu Road, she went to that rice noodle shop again and ordered a bowl of three-delicacy rice noodles. She sat in a seat where she could see the street. Hu Ni remembered that she once saw a man who looked a lot like Qiu Ping here.
The phone remained deathly silent, like a broken piece of metal. Hu Ni placed the phone on the table, looked at it, and wondered if it really was broken.
The rice noodles were served, and I ate them slowly, trying to convince myself that it was still early.
Sitting at the same table was a woman in her thirties and a chubby-faced boy of about five or six years old carrying a small bag. The woman wore a rather unkempt business suit, her face ashen from long-term fatigue, and her permed hair was haphazardly pulled back. The mother and son each held a bowl of rice noodles and slurped them down. The boy ate earnestly, but inevitably spilled rice noodles all over the table, leaving white strands of rice noodles on the table, their clothes, and their faces. The woman became anxious, patting the dirt off the boy while grabbing tissues from the paper roll on the table to wipe his face, then scolding him impatiently. But the boy continued to eat with relish, picking up another mouthful of rice noodles with his chopsticks, putting a small portion into his mouth, and spilling most of it on his clothes and the table. The woman, annoyed, her long-term stressful life had made her short-tempered. She slapped him, knocking the chopsticks out of his mouth. The boy, with two strands of rice noodles still on his lips, grinned and cried, looking very sad. The woman continued to scold him loudly, then gave him a new pair of chopsticks. The boy quickly stopped crying, tears still on his face, and began to eat with relish again.
Looking at the child, Hu Ni felt a pang of heartache that made her uncomfortable. She quickly finished her food and left the rice noodle shop amidst the woman's loud scolding.
Her mood plummeted. Those unbearable childhood memories, and Qiu Ping, with his navy blue clothes and bowl-cut hair, who had offered her so much comfort—Hu Ni gripped her phone tightly. It was still early; she would wait, wait for his warm call.
Back inside, I didn't want to shower, afraid Qiu Ping's call would come soon. Without changing my clothes, I sat at the table with a book in front of me, but couldn't concentrate on a single word. Ten o'clock… ten and a half… ten and eleven. Time crawled by, little by little, slowly, laboriously. The surroundings were eerily quiet; all I could hear was the stillness of the night.
The phone has been moved from the table to the bed; I don't want to look at it anymore, I don't want to pay too much attention to it.
The incandescent light illuminated the room brightly, yet it also felt cold and aloof.
The cigarette was still burning between my fingers, slowly and helplessly trying to burn away the loneliness, unaware that the smoke was spreading a deeper and farther loneliness that I couldn't escape.
Hurried footsteps echoed down the hallway, occasionally punctuated by light whistles. Someone had turned the television up very loud, playing an English film—it was making a lot of noise, probably a war movie or sci-fi. Someone downstairs was calling out to someone upstairs. But all these sounds were irrelevant to Hu Ni; they were just background noise from the movie, nothing to do with her.
She shifted her posture, stubbed out her cigarette in the ashtray, then pulled out a 555 lighter. With a snap, a small flame leaped from the lighter, burning intensely yet gently. Hu Ni brought the flame closer, slowly lit the cigarette, and gently exhaled a puff of smoke. Watching the ethereal, expressionless smoke effortlessly push her into the abyss of loneliness.
Gradually, she began to make excuses to convince herself that Qiu Ping must be working overtime, or that he had lost the note and that he actually wanted to call her.
Slowly taking off her clothes, she felt a numb pain in her heart. Perhaps she really shouldn't have had any illusions or hopes for him. After all, they had been separated for so many years. Perhaps he was not the Qiu Ping she remembered, not the boy standing on the mountaintop. In all these years of separation, the boy Qiu Ping had grown up and become a stranger.
Going to the bathroom, I saw myself in the mirror, my lonely face streaked with two cold tears. I was startled and reminded myself not to blindly fall into despair. But I couldn't convince myself otherwise, so, with a painful urge to stop, I placed myself under the showerhead, hoping the fine jets of water could at least alleviate the restlessness in my heart.
Looking down at the horizontal scar on her lower abdomen, the pain in her heart surged forth like a burst dam, tears welling up in her eyes. No matter what Qiu Ping's state was, could she still do it? Did she still have the ability? Hu Ni heard the sound of sobbing in her own throat, hurried and chaotic, the despair in it sending chills down her spine.
Never before have I felt such sorrow for what I have lost in my life, and such a longing for wholeness after incompleteness.
An Encounter in the South (Part 10)
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Qiu Ping never called.
Hu Ni accepted it calmly; perhaps this was for the best—no beginning, no struggle, no pain. The boy on the mountaintop had truly grown up; he should have his own life now, having stepped out of that bygone era.
Crossing the overpass brought a touch of melancholy. Even after stepping off the overpass, that melancholy lingered.
In the corner of the room, the dark blue checkered umbrella stood quietly, like a sudden intruder of unknown origin, and it was unclear what to do with it.
At night, I always think of that night of returning home in the drizzling rain, the breathtaking face and heartbreaking gaze against the darkness. As time goes by, I often wonder if it was just a dream. But the vanished image is so real, as real as if it happened just yesterday.
The phone lying quietly beside my pillow patiently flashes a small green dot in the darkness, but it always seems broken, too quiet, too lifeless.
Life went on like this, uneventful, drifting along with the current without any real change.
Everything returned to calm.
Of course, Hu Ni didn't realize that one of the numbers in the long phone number she left for Qiu Ping was wrong, nor did she realize that someone in this city had dialed many wrong numbers in an attempt to find her. Hu Ni also didn't know that while she was feeling lost and dejected, someone else was feeling the same way.
There was no response to the calls in the city.
An endless wait.
An Encounter in the South (Part 11)
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Summer passed quickly, and autumn and winter also passed peacefully. Time flies by so fast, disregarding the preciousness of youth, rushing forward according to its own desires. Time is something that no one can escape or control; even the greatest heroes cannot escape its entanglement, helplessly watching themselves transform from youthful vigor to the twilight of old age.
Hu Ni's time passed silently, leaving no trace.
It was an ordinary Sunday, and Hu Ni and Xiao Yan were slowly shopping at Rainbow Department Store. The mall was packed with people on Sundays, so crowded that it felt almost suffocating.
Xiao Yan enthusiastically and patiently tried on many clothes, and naturally, she made a great purchase. The two of them were already carrying many beautiful bags. Xiao Yan's excited eyes, constantly following the merchandise, told Hu Ni that her friend had no intention of leaving.
"This one, Hu Ni, you'll definitely look good in this one!" Xiao Yan said, fiddling with a silver-white dress.
"Miss, you have such a great figure and temperament, you'll definitely look beautiful in this," the sales assistant said, seizing the opportunity to persuade her.
"Then let's give it a try," Hu Ni said calmly.
"So tired!" Xiao Yan plopped down in a chair, crossed her legs, and leisurely looked around.
In a foreign land, friends seem to become exceptionally important. In short, Hu Ni and Xiao Yan meet almost every week. They make sure to fill their free time and lonely moments with each other; they can't go without, or they'll feel guilty.
Hu Ni checked the price of the clothes in the fitting room first; they were over six hundred yuan. Hu Ni decided to just try them on. Because of financial reasons, Hu Ni's possessiveness was definitely not as strong as Xiao Yan's. She could calmly give up things she really liked, something she had been able to do since she was little.
After getting dressed, I casually glanced at myself in the mirror, ignoring Xiaoyan's exaggerated compliments. Then I went into the dressing room to change.
"How is it? Is it not good?" Xiao Yan asked Hu Ni, who was handing the clothes to the saleswoman, with a puzzled look.
"I'm leaving. It's just so-so, I don't really like it." Then Hu Ni whispered in Xiao Yan's ear, "It's too expensive."
"Several thousand?" Xiao Yan asked in surprise.
"Over six hundred." Hu Ni felt a lack of confidence.
Xiao Yan rolled her eyes to the sky, looking utterly bewildered, as if she were born to wear clothes costing over six hundred yuan. Then she turned back and asked the waiter for a receipt. Of course, Hu Ni wouldn't allow her friend to pay for her; absolutely not.
Carrying a piece of "expensive" clothing that I had unexpectedly bought, I felt a sense of joy at possession, but also a bit of self-reproach, knowing that my bank account would be short by more than 600 yuan this month.
"Find a husband, since you can't make a lot of money. Find someone to make you rich. That's definitely a shortcut, more effective than getting a hundred part-time MBAs."
"I'm still looking for someone, but I can't just take anyone. I need to find someone decent."
"Are you so arrogant? Look at yourself, you're almost thirty! These days, new generations of girls are popping up, all prettier than you, and you're still so picky. The girls I showed you were more than a match for you, and you just dismissed them all. Those girls all own houses and cars!"
"...I just don't have any feelings for them. Really, it's not that I'm deliberately trying to resist them, I just don't feel anything, I'm not lying to you."
"Perhaps you should go to the hospital to get it checked out?" Xiao Yan said very seriously.
"What are you looking at?"
"Let's see if you are frigid. If not, you probably need men, so you won't be too demanding of them."
"You're the one who's frigid!" Hu Ni said, somewhat annoyed. Xiao Yan spoke of these things as casually as if they were talking about a cat or a dog.
"Are you angry? No way, you're getting more and more petty." Xiao Yan looked at Hu Ni with a mischievous smile.
“…The things here are all too conventional in style,” Xiaoyan said.
"Then why did you buy so many?"
"You can always find something to shop for. Sigh, such a big city, but there aren't any particularly concentrated shopping areas or densely packed malls. ... Chongqing has changed a lot now."
"Really? I haven't been there in a long time."
"There are so many large shopping malls in the Jiefangbei area, they're so beautifully built. If I wanted to shop around, it would probably take several days to see them all. ... When I get old, I still want to go back to Chongqing and eat Chongqing hot pot and snacks every day."
After leaving Tianhong Shopping Mall, we put our things in the car, each of us holding an ice cream, and walked into Huaqiangbei. When you have the energy, walking can reveal many unexpected things.
A little beggar clung to her, tugging at Hu Ni's arm with his dirty hands.
"What are you doing! Get out of here!" Xiao Yan turned around and shouted sternly.
The little beggar was a worldly person, able to read people's minds. He tugged at Hu Ni's arm, making some incomprehensible noises. Hu Ni's sympathy for the beggar was almost gone, but she still took out a coin. The quick-witted little beggar snatched it away and ran off, turning back with a mischievous smile.
"Why give him money! I hate people who beg from others! If you want money, earn it yourself! Even prostitutes are a hundred times better than people like them!"
"I just want him to get away from me. He's so clingy and annoying. Besides, he's so young. How will he make money?"
"You won't go pick up trash to sell newspapers."
A poorly sung Huangmei Opera tune drifted from the roadside. It was from a blind couple; the husband sat playing the erhu, while the wife leaned on a cane. She only had one leg, and she was singing "The Fairy Couple" with great effort.
The two of them stopped involuntarily, walked over, and placed a banknote in the bowl in front of them, as if to show that they actually had compassion, in response to their earlier treatment of the little beggar. Then, Xiao Yan said, "It's quite pitiful, and besides, they are also earning their living through labor."
Hu Ni smiled, for her sentimental and beautiful friend.
I walked in aimlessly, glancing at the clothes in the boutiques next door. After finishing my ice cream, I grabbed two servings of popcorn and ate them as I walked.
The more crowded the streets, the more intimate the two of them felt.
Shenzhen appears young and fashionable, not only because of its stunningly beautiful streetscapes reminiscent of renderings, but also because of the abundance of young and energetic people who, on their days off, overflow with a pervasive sense of "leisure" and a self-created passion for it. Under immense pressure, they inevitably find a small opening to vent their frustrations in an exaggerated way.
Being surrounded by such a group of people, one can't help but feel the restlessness in the air. Unemployment, employment, financial crises, theft, robbery, murder, and rape all lurk in unseen corners, spreading their turbulent atmosphere. Thus, the city's atmosphere is forever rich, radiant, and gloomy.
Two women walked down the street with a sense of self-satisfaction, laughing heartily over trivial matters, arguing loudly over even more trivial things, and then appreciating each other's fading youthful beauty, seeing their own reflections in each other's swaying lake water.
Hu Ni often felt that without Xiao Yan, this city would be pale and lifeless.
But that's clearly not the case now. Two women walked into a stereo store with great interest, hoping to find a music disc on the dazzling shelves that would make them show an expression like that of Jin Yong, Qiong Yao, or Wang Shuo.
As the shelves slowly moved, Xiaoyan exuded the scent of Chanel not far away, along with the faint crackling sound of popcorn in her mouth.
Something was groping her face. Hu Ni unconsciously looked up. Across from her, a gaze that seemed to pierce through time and space came from Meng Qiuping, the handsome boy from her youth. Suddenly, everything fell silent, like a black-and-white background in a movie. Only the man opposite her and herself stood there, frozen in place.
The two of them just stared at each other, time and space rushing by like a high-speed train, the past and the future seemingly seen into each other's eyes.
After going around in a big circle, we've returned to where we started, as if it were a destiny.
A Sudden Growth in the Past (Part 1)
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The phone rang shrilly in the darkness. Hu Ni crouched there, staring at the green glow of the screen, frozen in place, too afraid to approach. Was he still the same Qiu Ping? After so much time, how much remained unchanged? Hu Ni suddenly felt a deep sadness. Why did she have to meet him only after so many years? Why did she have to meet him again after all this time? A wave of helplessness and sorrow washed over her, turning into cold, wet tears that streamed down her bewildered face.
Hu Ni remained crouched there, watching the small green light flicker anxiously. She knew that if she went over and pressed the answer button, she could hear his voice—a voice both strange and familiar. But she simply lacked the courage to go over; perhaps hope was more tender than reality. After the phone rang, everything fell silent, eerily quiet.
Hu Ni slowly moved onto the bed and saw an unfamiliar number on her phone. She sighed softly.
Slowly descending the stairs, she thought of how he had held her hand yesterday as they groped their way up the stairs. A mix of joy and heaviness filled her heart. Time had changed everything; the sun today was much newer than it had been over a decade ago. Hu Ni squinted at the rising, not yet dazzling, fireball of light, feeling as if she were an old woman who had lived for many years. She was no longer the little girl with braids and a floral jacket she had been yesterday. Some things, once lost, can never be regained.
Hu Ni sighed and stepped down the last step. She walked outside, head down, taking long strides.