As for me, poor me, I'm faced with steamed buns every day. Writers on Qidian who don't have at least 5 VIP works are strictly prohibited from trying to describe my girlfriend's appearance.
To put it simply, my defense against ordinary ugly women is -100, against ordinary women it's -500, and against beauties like Li Shishi it's negative two circles (infinity). I still managed to eat two more bowls of rice while eating Li MM, and only ate half a pound less than Fatty Ying.
Around 10 p.m., I made arrangements for bedtime and told Li Shishi, "You go to sleep first, and your sister-in-law (I wish I could put this in the first person) will come and keep you company in a little while." Then I asked Ying Pangzi and Jing Ersha, "Are you two sleeping together, or is there anyone who wants to sleep in the same room as me?"
Qin Shi Huang said, "I'll sleep with you when I'm hungry, but this idiot snores all the time."
I nodded and said, "Then that's settled. I'll go pick up Baozi from get off work, you all go back to your rooms."
Li Shishi pulled me aside and whispered, asking if I needed to lock the door when I went to sleep. I told her: "As long as I'm not there, there's absolutely no need to..."
Some readers have already noticed that with 3 rooms and 5 people sleeping there, you can use permutations and combinations to get... well, quite a few results (I only scored 26 on my math college entrance exam). One of them is actually suitable for us: me and Baozi, Li Shishi in a single room, and Ersha Pangzi in a room (ignoring Pangzi's opinion). The biggest advantage of this method is that I can sneak into another room in the middle of the night. The biggest disadvantage is that Baozi would definitely know I have this idea, so it's unrealistic.
I went to pick up Baozi to explain the Li Shishi situation to her. I came up with a well-reasoned plan: I'd say that Li Shishi—Wang Yuannan—is my cousin, a fashion model, and she's only staying with us temporarily, and she'll be paying rent. Baozi isn't greedy, but putting me and another woman in a relationship based on mutual benefit would prevent her from overthinking things.
Baozi immediately got angry with me: "How could you ask someone for money?"
At that moment, I was even moved. I held her slender waist, which I could encircle with one hand, and we walked into the endless night. A few thugs who didn't know what was going on whistled at us, but when we appeared under the streetlights, they scattered and ran away. It was hard to say whether they saw the brick in my hand or because they saw Baozi's face clearly.
That night, my girlfriend slept next to a prostitute, my neighbor was an assassin, and my cot was occupied by Qin Shi Huang. I slept on the floor far away from him—I was afraid he would fall and hit me.
My nerves had become so strong, almost to the point of peripheral necrosis, that the next day I couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge Liu Laoliu. I weakly asked, "Who did you bring this time?" Liu Laoliu waved behind him, and my double glass doors were immediately blocked, leaving them pitch black. A giant, only slightly shorter than Yao Ming, walked in, wrapped in a raincoat. The oversized raincoat creaked and groaned under his muscles. He casually ripped off the raincoat, revealing fine armor underneath; he looked like a high-ranking general. His thick, bushy eyebrows pointed like two watermelon knives to the sky. This man looked fierce, but his expression was forlorn. After entering the room, he merely glanced at me and remained silent.
I casually pointed to the sofa opposite me and said nonchalantly, "Sit down, brother. Which dynasty are you from?" I'm like someone who doesn't bite when there are too many lice. Qin Shi Huang is my brother who sleeps in the bunk above me. How can I be easily fooled?
The burly man slumped into the sofa with a thud, clutching his head and remaining silent, looking utterly dejected. Old Liu, grinning, pointed and said, "Xiang Yu—the Hegemon-King of Chu." I quickly stood up: "Oh, Brother Yu, my apologies." Although Xiang Yu ultimately failed, he is universally acknowledged as a hero, the greatest overlord in history. I wouldn't dare challenge him. Judging by his appearance, he could probably throw me to Iraq with his left hand alone, assuming he's not left-handed, of course.
Xiang Yu completely ignored me. To ease the awkwardness, Liu Laoliu said, "There's another one outside." He waved his hand, and a sallow-faced man strolled in, glanced at me, nodded slightly, and then sat down on the table—he really knew how to pick a high spot. I told him, "Go sit over there, it's more comfortable there." I pointed to the sofa.
The sallow-faced man glared at me and arrogantly declared, "I am the supreme ruler, how can I submit to anyone?"
This guy is so difficult to deal with. I patiently told him, "This isn't a place for people to sit." The yellow-faced man coughed and said solemnly, "I am not human. Long ago, my mother saw a dragon coiled above her, and thus she became pregnant, and I came into being. I started my rebellion after slaying the white snake..."
I shoved him away and pointed at Liu Laoliu's nose, cursing, "You bastard, what do you mean by bringing Xiang Yu and Liu Bang here together?"
Liu Laoliu lit a cigarette and said with a grin, "It's alright, the two of them have stopped arguing."
I glanced at the giant Xiang Yu, pointed at Liu Bang and said to him, "This man—you can beat him up, but don't kill him. We have rules here." Xiang Yu covered his head and said dejectedly, "Don't worry, I won't beat him up."
Liu Bang wouldn't stand for it. He slapped away my hand pointing at him and shouted, "You audacious slave, how dare you treat me like this!" I grabbed his collar and said sternly, "Don't act tough, or you'll get struck by lightning!" I told him, "Qin Shi Huang is right above you. With his appetite, he could eat you up in no time!"
Chapter Ten: Yu Xi, Yu Xi, What Can Be Done?
Liu Bang was stunned. We know that in his youth, he was a professional scoundrel, lazy and good-for-nothing. His father often told him: "If you don't farm, I won't have you as my son anymore."
But this kid was actually quite popular; he was the kind of lovable rascal. I guess being an emperor for so many years had rusted his brain, because when I startled him like that, he had a very strange expression on his face: he wanted to smile but also instinctively wanted to keep a straight face. I felt sorry for him, so I let him go, went to Xiang Yu, and said, "Brother Overlord, what's wrong? Let bygones be bygones. What's bothering you?"
Xiang Yu glanced up at Liu Laoliu, seemingly wary. Liu Laoliu stubbed out his cigarette and said, "He has something on his mind, probably doesn't want me to know. I used to be able to read minds, but unfortunately I can only use it once a day—I just saw you trying to smash my head with the ashtray." He stood up and said, "Then I'm leaving. You don't need to hate me so much. If Xiang Yu hadn't made such a big fuss, I wouldn't have come looking for you so soon."
After Liu Laoliu left, Xiang Yu suddenly rushed up to me, lifted me into the air, and roared, "Take me back!" I shouted, using my Cloud Step technique, "Where will I take you?"
"I want to return to my battlefield, I want to see my Yu Ji! Please take me back!"
I immediately recalled what Liu Laoliu had told me when we first met. Now it seems that Xiang Yu's ambition remains undiminished. If he could truly return to the battlefield, even if he were placed at Gaixia, given past examples, the outcome between him and Liu Bang would still be uncertain. Personally, I prefer Xiang Yu, even though he treated me coldly from the moment he entered. But sending him back to the past would obviously have consequences even a powerful figure like Yama (the King of Hell) couldn't bear, which is why they chose me as the scapegoat.
I said helplessly, "I'm not a god, how could I possibly take you back to the Han Dynasty?"
After listening, Xiang Yu glanced at Liu Bang and said, "The Han Dynasty? So you really became emperor in the end?" Liu Bang's face showed that "smile that looks like a cry" expression again.
Xiang Yu suddenly turned around and looked at me: "I can give him the country, as long as you send me back, I only ask that Yu Ji not die."
I gave up struggling and said in mid-air, "Even if we bring you back, hundreds of thousands of our brothers will gang up on you and your girl, and you'll still be finished." Xiang Yu laughed like Shin-chan, but his expression was ferocious, and his laughter was mixed with anger and arrogance: "With me and Yu Ji, breaking through the encirclement would be a piece of cake. But Yu Ji saw that my ambitions were waning and wanted to inspire me with her death. In the end, I was fooled and died of hatred at the Wujiang River. Only when I reached the underworld did I realize that all my grand ambitions were just fleeting clouds. If I had to choose again, I would rather stay with Yu Ji quietly for a year."
I said, "What you said is so touching."
Xiang Yu's eyes were bloodshot with rage: "I'll say it again, I want you to send me back!"
I shrugged and said, "I can't do it. To be honest, I'm not some kind of god, and this isn't some kind of fairyland."
Where is this?
"China, your hometown is now called Hubei."
How far is this from Hubei?
"It takes more than 20 hours by train—oh, sorry, I forgot you can't understand that, and it takes half a month to travel on horseback. Even if you go there, it won't do you any good. Even if you find Yu Ji's bones, they belong to the country."
"Are you really not a god?"
I pointed to myself, floating in the air: "If I were a god, do you think you would treat me like this?"
Xiang Yu, in a daze, threw me to the ground and muttered, "So the year I gained from causing a ruckus in the underworld was just a precarious existence (this idiom only existed in the Song Dynasty, so you can get the idea; you can also interpret it as Xiang Yu learning it in the underworld)." This iron-willed man then broke down in tears right in front of me.
This act aroused my great sympathy. It's really hard to find a man with such loyalty and righteousness, who can also maintain his heroic nature, crying when he wants to cry and laughing when he wants to laugh—Xiang Yu's tears were as big as sundaes.
I walked over, patted him on the shoulder and said, "Brother Yu, don't be too sad. We'll think of something else. Think about it, since you can come here, your wife might be able to come too. I swear, if she comes, I'll give you all my money and send you on a trip to Europe."
Xiang Yu looked up and suddenly hugged me tightly: "You're right! How come I didn't think of that?" I squealed as he hugged me, and said breathlessly, "If you don't let go of me, I'll be going to the underworld to tell my sister-in-law—" Xiang Yu released me and said apologetically, "I'm sorry, brother, do you really think Yu Ji will come?"
"As long as my sister-in-law hasn't been reincarnated yet, I'll pull some strings and use connections to get her here." Xiang Yu tried to hug me again, but I jumped five meters away. He smiled awkwardly and said, "From now on, you're my brother."
At this moment, I noticed that Liu Bang looked strange. I pointed at him and said, "You are not allowed to tell anyone what we are saying, or I will lock you and Qin Shi Huang in the same room!" Liu Bang shrank back.
I glanced at Xiang Yu's fine armor and Liu Bang's imperial robes, and felt a headache coming on. I had practically no more clothes to change them into. The best-dressed one was Jing Ersha, wearing Adidas on top and Lee on the bottom, with underwear I'd just grabbed from a bag (given that Jing Ersha often leaves his zipper undone, underwear is a must). Qin Shi Huang was in a worse state, wearing a set of nylon clothes, and even his underwear was ones I'd worn. With several sets of clothes plus changes, there were simply no summer clothes left for Xiang Yu and Liu Bang.
I led the two of them upstairs stealthily, through the first bedroom—Baozi and the others were already up and chatting inside. We passed through the second room—a converted warehouse—where Qin Shi Huang was still asleep. Logically, these three shouldn't have fought—Xiang Yu and Liu Bang had both seen Qin Shi Huang's entourage pass by, but theoretically they would never have seen Qin Shi Huang himself, and Qin Shi Huang would be even less likely to know what the other two were—but I still felt it was too eerie to put these three in one room.