I led them to Jing Ke's room and said to Liu Bang, "That fat man next door is Qin Shi Huang. If you dare to talk nonsense, I'll tell him what you've done. I'll call Zhang Liang and Han Xin over; even if the three of you are tied up together, they won't be enough for him to eat." I then said to Xiang Yu, "Brother Yu, I know you're a hero who doesn't care about anything, but those things from the past life..." Xiang Yu interrupted me, saying, "I don't care about anything except Yu Ji. I won't provoke him."
I went to Qin Shi Huang's room, rummaged through the wardrobe and pulled out a huge pile of messy clothes. I came back, pulled Jing Ke, who was lying on the bed listening to a transistor radio, to the door, and said to the two of them, "Change your clothes, from the inside out, not a single piece can be missing." Xiang Yu was absent-minded; he listened to whatever I said. Liu Bang knew I was a fool and dared not offend me.
I stood in the living room, feeling troubled. Arranging for Li Shishi had already caused Baozi and me to separate, and now two more freeloaders had come along. How should I talk to her?
As soon as the two of them came out, I knew what to say.
Xiang Yu was wearing my high school uniform; the sleeves reached his elbows. Back then, I had to roll up the cuffs to wear them, but on him they looked like capri pants. The reason I didn't throw that uniform away was because I planned to tear it up and use it as a mop.
Liu Bang found it even more amusing, and ran out wearing only his thermal underwear. The two men, one tall and one short, dressed in mismatched clothes and looking dejected, looked exactly like two refugees.
Chapter Eleven: Emperor Gaozu of Han's Aesthetic Views
I shouted, using offense as defense, "Baozi, come quick! Someone's been killed!"
Baozi peeked out and asked, "What's wrong?" She then saw Xiang Yu and Liu Bang and asked curiously, "Are these your friends?"
“They’re distant relatives. Their house is flooded, hurry and get them some food.” Baozi rushed out and asked, “How did this happen? Where did they come from? Isn’t the government doing anything?”
“We’re all from Hubei. Don’t ask any more questions. It’s better to stay with relatives than to rely on the government. Get yourself something to eat first.” As I spoke, I pushed the three of us, including Jing Ke, into the house. I instructed Jing Ke, “Stay with these two and don’t wander off.”
I closed the door, and Baozi asked with a puzzled look, "How come I didn't know you had relatives in Hubei?" I stammered, "Very distant relatives..."
Baozi tied her hair up, brought out the leftovers from last night to heat up, and asked me in a very low voice, "So, are they going to live here too?"
I immediately said, "If you don't want to, I'll give them some money to get rid of them."
Baozi sighed and said, "How could we do such a despicable thing?"
Seeing that no one was around, I wrapped one arm around Baozi's waist and placed the other hand on her round buttocks, caressing it. Baozi turned and glared at me, but she was already slightly out of breath. I slid my hand up her waist and squeezed one of her breasts, squeezing it slightly, and Baozi let out a soft moan. My penis quickly rose and pressed hard against Baozi's buttocks, while my other hand slipped inside Baozi's jeans, touching her smooth skin. I gently bit her ear and whispered, "I really want to do it to you like this." Baozi looked back at me provocatively: "Do you dare?"
Just then, I heard a soft "Ah!" behind me. I turned around and saw Li Shishi's flushed face. I quickly removed my hand, but in my haste, I couldn't get it out; it was stuck in Baozi's pants. In the end, Baozi had to help me get it out. Baozi knew what had happened, but she pretended to be a big shot, still busy heating up the food. I was mortified and forced a smile at Li Shishi, "Cousin, how did you sleep?" Li Shishi was taken aback, but she reacted quickly, chuckling, "Very well, thank you, cousin." At this moment, Baozi turned around, pretending to be surprised, and said, "Oh, Xiaonan, why are you up too? Sleeping a little longer is good for your skin."
Li Shishi laughed and said, "I'm going to the restroom—my cousin-in-law has such a great figure, I can't even fit a hand into your pants no matter what." She chuckled a few times, glanced at me, and left.
Even Baozi, with her thick skin, couldn't help but blush. But she wasn't angry. Li Shishi's witty remarks were neither overt nor overt; they seemed to praise our affection, after all, we're all adults. It took me a moment to realize why Li Shishi had glanced at me—a huge cone was bulging out of my pants. I had no choice but to bend over—some things are too straight, so some things have to bend (Zhang Xiaohua's quote).
Baozi looked at me and chuckled, "My cousin is very sensible, but sometimes her questions are too naive. Last night, she asked me hundreds of 'why' questions, from the bedside lamp to the humidifier, and she even wanted to discuss history with me. I haven't answered so many questions since the third year of junior high school."
"Did you answer?"
"I've told you everything I know, and I said I don't know what I don't know. I can't answer most of the questions she asked."
I was sweating profusely. I'm so glad Baozi isn't a female master's or doctoral student or anything; poor silly Baozi got tricked into talking all night by Li Shishi.
At this moment, Qin Shi Huang smelled the aroma of food, climbed out of bed, and wandered out. Seeing that the food was not ready yet, he casually pushed open Jing Ke's door, muttering to himself, "Is this dish still not ready?" He then went into the room.
At this moment, Qin Shi Huang, Xiang Yu, Liu Bang, and Jing Ke held their first meeting in history. Excluding Jing Ke, the remaining three were almost always adversaries: first, Liu Bang and Xiang Yu joined forces to seize Qin Shi Huang's empire, then they turned against each other. I really don't know who Xiang Yu would side with if Qin Shi Huang and Liu Bang were to clash, and at this point, Jing Ke would most likely side with Qin Shi Huang—what a mess!
There was no sound from inside the room for a long time. After a while, the fat man Ying said, "I am Ying Zheng. You two are..." Liu Bang, with ulterior motives, whispered, "I am Liu Bang." Xiang Yu said loudly, "I am Xiang Yu."
Qin Shi Huang, oblivious to the hostility in the words, warmly replied, "Welcome, welcome." Then I heard him say to Liu Bang, "Now that you're here, stop with the 'I, I'm' attitude. Which dynasty are you from?" I rushed in, saying, "That all happened after you, don't ask. Let's eat." Only when Qin Shi Huang heard it was time to eat did he stop asking.
Before I could even give Liu Bang a few words of advice, Li Shishi shouted from the toilet, "Cousin, come quick! The toilet's clogged!" (I was very grateful she called it a toilet). Jing Ke suddenly jumped off the bed, stretched out his hand, and said, "Give me money, I'm going to buy batteries." Fatty Ying poked his head back in: "You kid, are you kidding me? Is the food even cooked?" Liu Bang also exploded, grabbing me angrily and saying, "Someone lied to me, saying you had the finest food and wine and countless beauties here, which is why I condescended to come here. I never expected you to treat me like this..." Baozi called from outside, "Qiangzi, go buy a bottle of vinegar—"
My head was spinning. First, I sent Qin Shi Huang to help Li Shishi unclog the toilet, then I gave Jing Ke money to buy batteries and pick up a bottle of vinegar. Then I told Liu Bang, "Go right when you go out; there you'll find both imperial food and beautiful women." Then I said to Xiang Yu, who had been silent all along, "Brother Yu, you're the only true buddy here!" Xiang Yu stared blankly at a man on a motorcycle outside the window, then suddenly grabbed me and asked, "What is that thing that man is riding? It's faster than a galloping horse!"
I finally couldn't take it anymore. Like a poet who had collapsed, I waved my arms, tears streaming down my face, and ran to the kitchen. I grabbed Baozi's arm, too excited to even speak. Just then, I saw Liu Bang standing to one side, so I pointed at him and said to Baozi, "You definitely don't know who he is! Now I'll tell you, he is Liu..."
"It's Liu Ji, isn't it? He told me everything—after you finish eating, you should go buy a few sets of clothes."
Liu Bang was indeed also called Liu Ji, but if you put it another way, few people would know who he really was. This guy, dressed in his underwear, stood in front of the steamed buns, grinning broadly—a completely different person from the pretentious guy in front of us. I pulled him aside and whispered, "Do you think she's beautiful?" Liu Bang nodded vigorously and said, "I like this girl." I patiently pointed out Li Shishi to him: "What do you think of her?"
Liu Bang shook his head disdainfully: "She's only somewhat pretty, but compared to this girl, she's worlds apart!"
Upon hearing this, I was immediately filled with admiration for Liu Bang.
Chapter Twelve: Three Rules
Since Liu Bang could see that Li Shishi was quite beautiful, it means that the aesthetic standards of the Han Dynasty were not necessarily different from those of later generations. So I just can't understand how he came up with the phrase "beauty above and below heaven"? Otherwise, how could he have become emperor? He really did reach that level.
I haven't yet made him understand the meaning of "don't touch the owner's food (steamed buns)." As long as I can keep his attention and prevent him from causing me trouble, that's best. Whether he'll misbehave is completely out of my consideration. Under my influence, Baozi can skillfully use all kinds of tiles—regular, 9-hole, even 40-grit tiles. And her groin kick is something that, besides me, no one else in the world can dodge.
With a "whoosh," Qin Shihuang's toilet was unclogged. Li Shishi clapped and cheered. Jing Ke, panting, ran up, shoved her aside, piled the vinegar on the table, and headed for his room. I called after him, "Kezi, stop! Why did you only buy one battery?" I noticed Jing Ke had only put one battery into the transistor radio. Jing Ke suddenly smiled smugly and said mysteriously, "Didn't you notice? Actually, you only need to change one battery to use it." I yelled in frustration, "That uses up more electricity! No wonder you change the battery every day!" He ignored me, glared at me like I was an idiot, and then grabbed Xiang Yu, saying, "Do you believe me? The spies in here are all my pets!"
Liu Bang, arms crossed, was casually soaking my steamed buns. He leaned against the wall, looking just like the male lead in an underwear commercial.
Because there were so many people, Baozi cooked another pot of instant noodles. I brought out the square table that hadn't been used in a long time and set it up, gathering all these emperors and heroes from every corner and arranging them properly, making the living room feel very crowded. Xiang Yu insisted on sitting between Qin Shi Huang and Li Shishi because Jing Ke was being noisy. Liu Bang insisted on sitting next to Baozi. Seeing that it was too crowded, I ladled out a bowl of noodles and ate it on the sofa. Looking at the large group of people gathered together, Baozi happily said, "Since we're all together, it must be fate. Qiangzi, let's buy some wine later and have a party tonight." Then, she suddenly remembered, "How about we go shopping together later and buy Liu Ji and the others some clothes, and then go to the supermarket on the way back to buy some groceries and cook them ourselves?"
Upon hearing this, I choked on my noodles and jumped up. Leading these five people out on the street was worse than letting me run naked within the Third Ring Road until dark. I hurriedly said, "No, I have to watch the shop, and they're all busy."
"Your lousy shop has nothing to do anyway, what's wrong with closing it for an afternoon? Raise your hand if you all agree to go."
“I want to go,” Li Shishi said first. She glanced at me, as if she understood my thoughts but didn’t expose me.
Ying Pangzi said, "What's there to be angry about? You're still so naive, haven't you ever seen the world?" He then asked Xiang Yu beside him, "Are you angry or not?"
Baozi interrupted, "We haven't even asked what this big guy's name is yet?" Before I could think of a response, Xiang Yu had already said, "I am Xiang Yu."
"Xiang Yu?" Baozi asked Qin Shi Huang, resting her chopsticks on her chin. "Was he in the same band as you?" She then turned to me and asked, "Was Xiang Yu from the same dynasty as Qin Shi Huang?" Liu Bang hurriedly replied, "No!" Xiang Yu, however, didn't seem to care and simply said yes. Baozi looked at the two of them and smiled at me, saying, "It seems your two friends aren't as good at history as I am—hey, do you think Xiang Yu and Ying Zheng really met?"
"Mo You, I've seen him before," Qin Shi Huang said.
"Haha, you're so funny. I was talking about the historical Qin Shi Huang."
Qin Shi Huang turned to me and said, "Hey, that Qin Emperor who died, he was also named Ying Zheng?"