Among everyone, Liu Bang was actually the most like me. A former hoodlum, Liu Bang was a very easygoing person after a few drinks. He put his arm around me and, in an older brother's tone, bragged about his past exploits. After another couple more drinks, he'd definitely say, "If you ever need anything, just call your brother Liu. We might not be good at much else, but when it comes to fighting, we can definitely call up hundreds of thousands of brothers..." Just like me back in the day!
Just then I heard someone calling me from downstairs. I looked out the window and saw Liu Laoliu looking up with a taxi parked next to him, and next to him—there was another person!
I lit a cigarette and, emboldened by the alcohol, stormed downstairs with a menacing look on my face. The first thing I noticed when I stepped outside was the man next to Liu Laoliu—a thin, small middle-aged man with very pale skin, wearing a gold apple suit. I thought for a moment, which historical figure was so frail and pale? I grabbed him and said, "Emperor Chen Houzhu? Emperor Xian of Han? Your ancestor is drinking upstairs from me."
The skinny man pried my hands off and jumped aside in terror. I chuckled and said, "Little brat, no wonder you couldn't keep your throne."
Liu Laoliu said slowly, "He's a taxi driver—I didn't bring any money."
...
I gave the driver an extra 10 yuan, and his arrogance subsided considerably. Still feeling uneasy, I looked around, but no one was there.
Liu Laoliu said, "Don't worry, I won't bring people to you one by one anymore."
I quickly pulled out a cigarette and handed it to Liu Laoliu, saying with a refreshed expression, "So you do have a moment of conscience, huh?"
Liu Laoliu lit a cigarette, puffed out smoke, and said, "Recently, the most troublesome people in the underworld are the 300 Yue Family Army soldiers and the 54 heroes of Liangshan. Individually, no one dares to compete with them for a spot. Those heroes can only wait for the next batch."
I forgot all about what I was doing and ended up smoking half a cigarette butt. In a very calm voice, I asked, "What do you mean?"
"There's no other way. Haven't you heard the saying, 'It's easier to shake a mountain than to shake Yue Fei's army'? These 300 men, as Yue Fei's special forces and suicide squad, charged straight at Jin Wuzhu's 500,000-strong army and almost succeeded in beheading them. Although none of them survived, they made Jin look bad and were chased and killed by Yue Fei for more than 200 miles. These men were all sent to the underworld, and now they're all clamoring to go back. It was a lot of work to persuade them to come here."
I said very calmly, "You're lying to them, aren't you?"
"Of course not. But you have another month to prepare, and the formalities will be almost complete. It's also possible that Yue Fei's army and the Liangshan heroes will come together. Didn't I say that I won't bring people to you one by one anymore?"
"You can't film '300' here! And what about the Liangshan Grand Assembly? How can I stand it? If they come, forget about food, how will they sleep? Standing and sleeping on shifts? I can't even afford to support the five people upstairs. I spent over 2,000 yuan today alone, and I only have 70 yuan left in my card. The ATM only dispenses 100-yuan bills. What am I supposed to do with this 70 yuan? (Friendly reminder: You can recharge Qidian coins)." After I finished my outburst, I grabbed Liu Laoliu and said emotionally, "You immortals are also born of parents. You can't do things like this, can you? Bai Qi buried 400,000 Zhao soldiers alive. Those 400,000 people also perished. What will you do if they cause trouble? Our whole city only has 1 million people..."
The old charlatan chuckled as he smoked, and after a long pause, he said, "We won't go that far. But the Yue Family Army and the Liangshan brothers have already made their agreement, and it can't be changed. You'll have to figure out the specifics yourself. As for the money..."
I immediately clasped my hands to my chest, my eyes filled with twinkling stars.
"Uh...you'll have to figure it out yourself."
I looked down and searched around. Liu Laoliu laughed and said, "I've moved all the bricks nearby."
Chapter Eighteen: 28 Methods for Being a Millionaire
I can see that Liu Laoliu is more ruthless than me. Before he became a god, this old guy must have been the kind of person who could calmly squat down and cover his head even if surrounded and beaten by dozens of people.
I listlessly smeared my cigarette butt against the wall and said, "I'd take them in if they number 300, but half the heroes on Liangshan are a bunch of organized but undisciplined bunches. Let me ask you a few people. Shi Qian won't come, will he? I don't know anyone in the anti-pickpocketing squad. And Li Kui, finding a South China tiger is so difficult, let's not let him cause any more trouble. It wouldn't be a problem if Hua Rong and the Ruan brothers came, the 2008 Olympics are in our country, we haven't guaranteed gold medals in archery and swimming yet, have we?"
"Hehe, instead of wasting time arguing with Grandpa, why not think about how to make money? Let me do the math for you. Let's say it's 30 yuan per person per day (tsk tsk, that's the standard for aircrew). For more than 300 people, food alone would cost 10,000 yuan a day. Add accommodation, the most basic standard room is 100 yuan a day, and if they have to sleep in a dormitory, 30 rooms would cost 3,000 yuan. Let's say 2,000 yuan to deal with all sorts of issues. That's 15,000 yuan a day, 150,000 yuan in 10 days, and 4.8 million yuan a year. I'll do you a favor and keep the number of people at this level every year. You'll have 5 million yuan a year then."
"5 million? That's enough? Do you gods talk so heartlessly? Go find all the ancestors of our Xiao family since the beginning of time, even if you go to the King of Hell, and let's see if we can scrape together that number!"
Liu Laoliu chuckled and patted my shoulder: "It's only 5 million, with your brains... it's really a bit difficult. Let's think of another way."
My mind is filled with online ads right now, things like "Invest 200 and earn 10,000 a month." Are those people, like me, forced into this situation by their supposedly supernatural status?
It seems I'll have to sell either Ersha's knife or Xiang Yu's vest if all else fails. Thinking of Xiang Yu, I asked Liu Laoliu, "Do you have Yu Ji in your inventory?"
Liu Laoliu surprisingly sighed and said, "Do you really think I don't know what Xiang Yu is thinking? I've told you before, the mistakes in the Book of Life and Death only apply to a portion of the people. Yu Ji died a natural death, and she has already been reincarnated. Now you understand why Liangshan only gathered 54 heroes, right?"
"Then could you take Yu Ji back to the underworld and then send her back to me? Xiang Yu is so pitiful, such a big guy with a long face every day."
"Damn, you want me to kill Yu Ji? With your ruthlessness, you'll either become an immortal or a demon. That girl is living a good life now. Actually, even if her lifespan were to end now, she wouldn't remember Xiang Yu. Before drinking the Meng Po soup, she would at most remember that she was a..." At this point, Liu Laoliu suddenly gave me a wary look and immediately stopped. He said, "Actually, those emperors and generals who were reluctant to reincarnate weren't necessarily eager to return to their own dynasty to make a name for themselves; they just couldn't bear to part with their memories. Qin Shi Huang and Liu Bang were the type like that."
"Let me remind you, those 300 soldiers of Yue Fei's army are extremely loyal to Yue Fei. Let me put it this way, if Yue Fei pointed to a fire pit and said 'jump,' those 300 men could fill it up in less than 10 seconds. Yue Fei was a good man, it's just a pity he was born into such a bad family. These 300 men are stuck together and won't disperse, I don't know what they're up to, so you have to be careful. Those 54 heroes are actually easier to manage, they're just there for fun."
With a grin, I stuffed half a pack of cigarettes into Liu Laoliu's pocket: "I need a favor. Before they arrive, could you get me a couple of business people? Like Fan Li or something. Or, if you can't, get me a couple of Jews."
Old Liu said disdainfully, "This is the first time I've ever seen someone give away half a box of Baisha liquor as a gift—I'll think of a way to help you after I get my 'PetroChina' shares out of trouble." Finally, with a fawning smile, Old Liu said, "I need to ask you something, can you lend me another six yuan? I need a taxi to get to the stock market without any problems—"
I'll give him 5 yuan and see what he says to the driver!
I went upstairs. Qin Shi Huang was taking pictures of everyone he saw with his MP4 player, Liu Bang was excitedly talking about something on the sofa with his arm around Jing Ke's shoulder, and Baozi and Li Shishi were sitting on either side of Xiang Yu. Xiang Yu's face was flushed, his head was down, and he looked like he was about to cry, while Li Shishi kept gently patting his back. I looked around and saw that all three bottles of baijiu and one bottle of distilled liquor were empty, and the few cans of beer left in the refrigerator were all on the table. It seemed that everyone except me had enough.
When Baozi saw me, she came over and said with a sore nose, "The story that Big Guy told was so touching. I think I heard it before. The woman slit her throat for the man."
"Brother Yu, come here for a second."
I called Xiang Yu, who was walking a little unsteadily, to the top of the stairs, took out a pack of cigarettes, and habitually offered him one. He hesitated for a moment before taking it. We sat down on the steps, lit our cigarettes, and I said, "Brother Yu, don't take offense if I say something outrageous. You only have a whole year left. Even if your wife comes to me within a year, you two will still have to go one after the other. Why suffer again? If you ask me, you might as well enjoy this year and then drink a bowl of Meng Po soup to forget everything. If you and your wife are destined to be together, maybe you can be together in the next life."
Xiang Yu, without any instruction, exhaled smoke from his nostrils and said calmly, "You don't know what it feels like to have your beloved woman die in your arms. If you ever had that day, you wouldn't say such things."
Ugh, what bad luck.
Then I remembered something else and said, "Brother Yu, if I gave you another army of 300 men now, could you lead it? It would be no less than your 800 personal guards."
"Who are we attacking? How many people are on the other side?"
"Don't hit anyone, just keep them in line and prevent them from causing trouble."
Xiang Yu's eyes dimmed again: "I'm not interested."
This guy is a real warmonger. If Hitler and his fascist SS were to be reborn, he probably wouldn't have time to think about Yu Ji anymore.
Is this also a possible solution?
Just then, Baozi's voice filled the room—she had turned on the karaoke. She chattered, "Qiangzi, Da Ge, if you hear this announcement, come to my place to sing karaoke right away." I stood up and said, "I'll figure something out for my sister-in-law. Let's go have some fun first, at least we won't think about anything else tonight."
When I led him into Baozi's bedroom, Qin Shi Huang and the others were already seated. It was Liu Bang's first time watching television, and Jing Ke began to explain to him that age-old topic—the theory of the little man.
Baozi held the microphone to Li Shishi's mouth, and Li Shishi cautiously uttered a "hello," the echo of which filled the room.