Jing Ke asked, puzzled, "Don't you recognize this person? He's Old Zhao's son. People say we look alike." Suddenly, Er Sha ran downstairs, hugged Zhao Bailian, and asked me, "Do you think we really look alike?"
Later I learned that this was Grandpa Zhao's mentally challenged son, who had just been brought home from the mental hospital a few days ago. Looking at these two fools in front of me, Jing Ke still looked like a respectable man, except for his slightly impaired eyes; he was a real man too. In response to Jing Ke's question, I replied, "You're more handsome than him, but you don't have his charisma."
I grabbed a handful of alphabet cookies and sent Zhao Bailian away, thinking to myself, "Thank goodness, if he had smashed me with an ashtray, it would have been for nothing."
I'm a bit obsessed now. I keep thinking I've gained supernatural insight. When I see people walking in a straight line, I suspect they're ghosts. I keep pointing at passersby and asking the group of five if they can see them. After getting affirmative answers from everyone, I've started to give up.
Then I thought, maybe the month Liu Laoliu mentioned was a month in heaven? A day in heaven is a year on earth. Let's assume heaven uses short months now. In 30 years, I'll be 57, the age when even a strong dog can't keep up, a long-winded, annoying old man. If I've gained supernatural powers and become a bit mystical, I'll just be singing "Come Home Often" while waiting for my children and grandchildren to give me some health supplements. What did Uncle Tu say in *Monopoly 6*? – "So miserable and destitute."
This afternoon, I was idly playing Minesweeper when I coughed, and my QQ buzzed with a friend request. I only have about a dozen QQ friends, and I'm usually invisible on QQ, so it's impossible for someone I know to be contacting me this way. Usually, those who contact me are either trying to sell something for no reason or are practicing some kind of sorcery. I declined, stating: "I don't know you!"
A few seconds later, the other party sent another request, which read: Let's video chat first!
Hmm? How can this not remind me of nude chat and video chat girls? Maybe it's a tactic used by some pornographic website to open up the market?
After I clicked "accept," an account with the username "Xiao Liu" appeared in my friends list, and immediately sent a video call request. I glanced around furtively and clicked "accept."
After the window shook for a moment, I could see that the other person was in a noisy internet cafe, with internet cafe managers and students in yellow vests constantly moving back and forth. I knew then that it wasn't what I was thinking. Then the camera slowly panned, and Liu Laoliu's deeply lined, filthy face and sly grin came into view. He blew smoke and waved at the camera; if that sleazy look were captured and made into a QQ emoticon, its download count would definitely rival that of RealPlayer and Xunlei.
I was speechless for a long time before I subconsciously typed out a single word: "Damn."
Liu Laoliu lowered his head and typed: "Guess where I am?" This old guy actually types faster than me.
I said, "Aren't you in Tieling?"
Liu Laoliu threw his head back and laughed, but because the audio wasn't on, his laughter was silent. Then he held the webcam in his hand and slowly walked around the internet cafe, finally stopping on a wall. Besides the promotional posters for online games, a huge banner hung on the wall: "Hainan [Internet Cafe Name] Karting Competition..."
Hainan? This old bastard was in Tieling yesterday, and today he's actually in Hainan!
I asked, "How could you be so fast? Did you fly there?"
Answer: Yes.
Q: "Isn't it forbidden to use magic?"
A: "I took a commercial airline."
...
I saw people dressed in flashy clothes occasionally walking by at the edge of the camera's view, and I could vaguely see tall, straight coconut trees and a pristine beach outside the internet cafe. How much does an hour at this internet cafe cost? That's when I remembered to ask Liu Laoliu, "What were you doing over there?"
"I just saw off those 54 heroes from Liangshan. Actually, they arrived a few days earlier than the 300 Yue Family Army soldiers. They were having fun in Hainan."
I was taken aback: "Who received them? Didn't they cause any trouble in Hainan?"
Liu Laoliu shrugged and said smugly, "Do you think I'm as stupid as you? I already gave them a general overview of the situation before they arrived. Although Yue Fei's army was nominally there before them, the Liangshan heroes had actually been enjoying themselves in Hainan for several days by the time they arrived. Lu Junyi knows how to be flexible and doesn't argue with us. We all agreed to give the heroes this Hainan trip."
I asked cautiously, "Where did you take them?"
Liu Laoliu grinned mischievously at the camera: "Tomorrow at noon, let's go to the train station to pick up the heroes."
However, he's not intimidating me much anymore. I've weathered many storms, having resolved the conflict between Fatty Ying and Silly Jing, maintained peace between Liu Bei and Xiang Yu, and rescued Jin Shaoyan. Just the night before last, I led 300 elite Beiwei soldiers on a thousand-mile raid. These 54 heroes are relatively easy to handle, both in terms of political complexity and numbers. Moreover, they've received some modern education; at least they won't think I'm harboring many traitors, nor will they believe that starting the car is due to spurs.
I asked him, "Who are the people who came? Give me a general list."
Liu Laoliu found it strange that I hadn't vomited blood. He asked, "Who do you want to see?"
I excitedly exclaimed, "Wu Song, the Flowery Monk, Gongsun Sheng, Yan Qing..."
Liu Laoliu replied, "Alas, none of these people you want to see are here. These people are not only brave but also wise. They all went their separate ways as soon as they left Liangshan and died peacefully in their old age. Although the mistake in the list has little to do with how they died, these most capable people lived for another thirty or forty years. By then, the judge would have sobered up."
My heart sank instantly; even Wu Song and the Flowery Monk weren't entirely unexpected. Although neither of them ranked very high in Liangshan, I've always firmly believed they were the most skilled and also the most endearing. I was very disappointed that they didn't come.
Liu Laoliu seemed to know what I was thinking and said, "Don't worry about it. Actually, spending a year here isn't a good thing. The more capable ones this time are Lin Chong, Yang Zhi, and Li Kui."
Well, Lu Junyi, Lin Chong, Yang Zhi, a bunch of peacemakers have all arrived. Li Kui can't fight alone, no wonder he can't beat Yue Fei's army.
The more I listened, the more frustrated I became, and I didn't want to talk to these people anymore. But when I heard that Hu Sanniang had come alone, I cheered up. I also wanted Wu Yong to do some accounting for me, so I agreed to go pick up the train tomorrow.
But there's another problem with picking them up: these people definitely won't be dressed like in the movies, and they won't recognize me. Although 54 people is a fairly conspicuous group, it's easy to confuse them with a large tour group. I think it's safer for me to make a sign and hold it up. I went to the house where Qin Shi Huang and Xiang Yu now live, pulled out a box that had once contained a refrigerator from under Qin Shi Huang's bed, and found a pen. Just as I was about to write, I suddenly realized they might not recognize my handwriting. Although they have cultured people like Wu Yong and Zhu Wu, whether they can read simplified characters is one problem; even if they can understand them, whether they can recognize my writing is another.
Then I thought about it, and realized that Li Shishi was from that era, and she even chatted with Song Jiang before going off to wander the world with Yan Qing, though I don't know if that's true or not.
I called Li Shishi over and said to her, "Write me a few words: 'Receive the 54 heroes of Liangshan.'" After explaining the situation to her, Li Shishi laughed and said, "I think the words '54 heroes' are superfluous. They won't add or subtract a few more just because you didn't write '54.'"
"What about 'recruiting the heroes of Liangshan'?"
"There's no need to write the word 'receive' anymore."
"Then you write it." I handed her the pen.
Li Shishi gracefully held the pen, with one hand behind her back, and drew on the piece of paper.
While she was writing, I suddenly remembered something else and said to her, "Cousin, you've been here for quite a while now. You should have a general idea of what's going on, right?"
Li Shishi, with one hand behind her back, said, "It is now 2007 AD, more than 900 years since the reign of Emperor Huizong of Song. After that came the Yuan, Ming, and Qing dynasties, and then the Republic of China..."
I said with shame, "You know better than I do—could you compile a textbook based on your experience?"
"Textbooks?"
"It's a book similar to the Three Character Classic, for teaching others to read. You know what your cousin does, so many people come here and I'm still confused. You can write a book that they can understand. For example, the first chapter could be called 'Who am I?', the second chapter could be called 'Where is this?', the third chapter could be called 'What am I doing on this day in history'... and so on."
Li Shishi quickly understood what I meant, and chuckled, saying, "Don't you want them to treat you like a goddess?"
The sign was written quickly. Li Shishi simply traced a few large circles on it for me, then threw the pen into my lap and said, "You do the tracing yourself."
I was intently tracing the inscription on the sign when I noticed that Li Shishi was still reluctant to leave, staring at the words "Liangshan" on the sign as if she wanted to say something but hesitated. I sighed and said, "This time... Yan Qing isn't here."