I said, "Then can I ask Baozi's dad to take a 'bath' with me?"
Everyone looked at me and said in unison, "Pah, shameless!"
I chuckled and said, "Just kidding, I'm not stupid."
Liu Bang continued, "So, if you control Baozi's father and Baozi likes you, and this still doesn't work out, I really have nothing more to say—mainly because I already have Fengfeng, otherwise I would have taken action long ago, and Baozi wouldn't have been able to get her."
I wiped away my cold sweat, thinking how close I came to disaster. Although Baozi's stance was firm, if he had done that, he would have caused me a lot of trouble.
I said resolutely, "I've made up my mind. I'm going to drown Old Xiang in honey water and make him obediently hand over his daughter to me to have my way with!"
Liu Bang nodded and said, "Xiao Qiang is just like me. Although he's not very bright, he's happy to listen to other people's opinions." As he spoke, he glanced at Xiang Yu, who seemed to be deep in thought.
I glanced at everyone and sighed, "It's just a pity for our Shishi sister; I wonder what she's doing now." Xiang Yu lowered his head in shame again.
We randomly picked a restaurant and ate there. Then we went to a tobacco and alcohol store, and I asked the owner, "Do you have any counterfeit goods here?"
The boss glared at me and said, "Of course! With a business this big, would I dare sell counterfeit goods?"
I leaned closer to him and said mysteriously, "I want the fake, the price is negotiable."
The boss gave me a cold look and said, "Then I can't help you. Go somewhere else."
I excitedly waved to Liu Bang and the others outside: "Come in, let's buy from this store."
The boss said dejectedly, "So you were just testing me after all that?"
I said, "Not only will I test you, I'll also scare you." I pointed at Xiang Yu and said to him, "See that big guy? If you really dare to sell me fake goods, I'll have him block your door every day, not hitting you or scolding you, but suffocating you with limited oxygen."
The shop owner shuddered and said, "Don't worry, there are absolutely no fakes."
I bought two cartons of Zhonghua cigarettes and two bottles of Moutai, and asked the shopkeeper for a large cardboard box to put them in the van. Liu Bang said, "It looks a bit plain. Let's buy something else, preferably something bright and colorful."
Ersha suddenly pointed to the wreaths in front of a funeral wreath shop across the street and said, "Buy two of those."
...
Finally, I bought half a basket of large mangoes from the fruit stand; their bright yellow color and fragrant aroma were irresistible. Then we opened the doors of both cars and sat outside, munching on mangoes like truck drivers.
As I munched on a mango pit, I checked my watch and said, "Shishi should have finished eating by now. Let's pick her up and Baozi and head straight to their house." Just then, Li Shishi called to say she had finished her business and then told us not to pick her up, but to take a taxi directly over.
When Li Shishi arrived, Xiang Yu, unusually considerate, snatched the money to pay the fare and tore open a mango, handing it to her. Li Shishi glared at him and started eating the mango.
I asked with a smile, "How's it going?"
Li Shishi said, "We had such a great chat. If I were a man, Zhang Bing would probably fall in love with me."
I said gravely, "Could she have already fallen in love with you? Why does she ignore so many suitors? Could there be something wrong with her sexual orientation?"
Li Shishi lightly kicked me with her jade-like leg, then asked Qin Shihuang, "Did you film everyone who was talking to her?"
Qin Shi Huang tossed aside the mango peel and pulled up the photos in his camera. The chubby Qin Shi Huang had a unique talent for photography: no matter who or what scene he photographed, it always looked like a murder scene. The beautiful university campus in his camera was rendered grim and desolate, the portraits of various people resembling nostalgic photographs from the late Qing Dynasty. Li Shishi, holding the mango like a beaver, tilted her head to look at it and suddenly pointed, "That's their student council president."
We erupted in uproar and swarmed around Qin Shi Huang. On the small camera screen, we saw a pale-faced man with a center-parted hairstyle and small glasses, grinning lewdly with a few protruding teeth. As we watched, a dark cloud seemed to descend upon us. Looking up, we saw Xiang Yu crouching low, surveying our surroundings.
I excitedly clenched my fists and said, "Looks like Brother Yu has lost a major competitor. How could Zhang Bing possibly be interested in this guy? Look at his character."
Li Shishi said, "That's hard to say. This kid is very good at getting things done, quick-witted, and good at persuasion. It's said that he's also very talented; you can find his articles in any local magazine you buy."
I asked, "How does Zhang Bing feel about him?"
Li Shishi said, "He might not be bad. Don't let his appearance fool you, he has a lot of girls chasing after him, but he's declared that he won't pursue anyone but Zhang Bing."
I frowned and said, "Oh no, even the most virtuous woman can be won over by a persistent suitor. Zhang Bing might just get slowly boiled in lukewarm water and die without even realizing it."
I continued flipping through the photos; the boys in them were a mixed bag, tall and short, fat and thin, beautiful and ugly. I drew a circle on the ground with my toe, then dotted countless dots around it, and patted the dazed Xiang Yu, saying, "See? This circle is my sister-in-law's castle, and these dots are the various warlords. The castle is on the verge of collapse and will fall sooner or later. Now it's a matter of who will be the first to conquer it. Brother Yu, if you don't act now, you'll regret it."
Xiang Yu frowned and remained silent.
Suddenly, Qin Shi Huang stretched out his foot and wiped away all the small dots around the circle, saying, "Eliminate them, eliminate them all."
I exploded, "Brother Ying, stop making things worse! Even when you unified the seven kingdoms, you still relied on alliances and counter-alliances. How could you possibly defeat all these feudal lords?"
I checked my watch again and said, "Let's go pick up Baozi now. We'll discuss the matter of conquering the city and seizing territory in detail when we get back tonight."
In the car, I asked Li Shishi, "How did you manage to strike up a conversation with Zhang Bing?"
Li Shishi said, "At first, I really didn't have a good idea, so I just followed behind her. It turned out they were having a dance class, and they were dancing to the same piece I used to dance, 'Sword Dance.' So I made an excuse to go in and said I was also a dancer, and we danced together. Now Zhang Bing calls me 'senior sister,' and their dance teacher is very happy to have me visit often."
"Which school did you graduate from?"
"Yes, they asked me the same question."
"Then what do you say?"
“I said, ‘What do you think?’ Then they said, ‘Looks like you must be from the Central Academy of Dance,’ and I said, ‘Yes.’”
I was speechless with amazement, and finally praised her, "My cousin is truly beautiful and intelligent. If you had traveled back to the early days of the People's Republic of China, Shenzhou VI would probably have been launched during the Cultural Revolution."
Li Shishi asked curiously, "Why?"
"Go steal American technology as a beautiful female spy."
I told Baozi she'd wait for me outside her shop. She'd changed into a crisp denim outfit and was standing there carrying two tacky gift boxes. I drove up to her, and she got in. Seeing everyone in the car, she said with a hint of surprise, "Oh, you're all going?"
Li Shishi smiled and handed her a mango, then took the gift box and put it away, saying, "Sister-in-law, why do I have to buy a gift myself when I visit your home?"
Baozi glanced at me and said, "Your cousin is a pig-headed idiot. Every time he goes empty-handed, my mom scolds him. I've gotten used to it, so I always buy the fruit first and then let him carry it at the door." She saw a huge pile of mangoes and said, "This time he's learned his lesson and knows how to buy fruit." Then she noticed a cardboard box under the mangoes and asked me, "What's that?"