I said to Xiang Yu, who was smoking in the living room, "Brother Yu, why don't you get in the car and take Sister Mulan out for a drive?"
Xiang Yu stubbed out his cigarette, picked up his car keys, and beckoned to Hua Mulan: "Let's go."
Hua Mulan seemed very unwilling to be with Xiang Yu, saying, "Riding a horse is fine, why would we need a carriage?"
Xiang Yu stood at the top of the stairs and said, "Enough nonsense. Can you ride a horse at 100 miles per hour?"
Hua Mulan followed him out: "What do you mean by 'Mai'..."
It wasn't until they walked out the gate that it dawned on me: Xiang Yu dared to drive a scrapped Jinbei van at 100 mph! Holy crap, the speedometer on that Jinbei van says 100? The needle must be practically touching his leg!
I pressed my face against the glass and yelled at Xiang Yu, "Brother Yu, drive slower!" Before I could finish speaking, Xiang Yu and Hua Mulan had already disappeared in a cloud of black smoke.
It must be said that, regardless of how history evaluates Xiang Yu, he was ultimately a true man, and his greatest characteristic was that he never valued his own life. His greatest flaw was that he didn't value other people's lives either.
I took a nap downstairs, and when I opened my eyes again, it was already getting dark. Baozi came in carrying a vegetable basket, turning back to say, "Kezi, wash up before you eat..." I saw Jing Ke behind her, peeking out with a half-eaten persimmon in his hand.
Baozi came in and asked me, "I heard from Kezi that a woman came to our house this afternoon?"
I told the prepared lie: "My cousin came here especially to attend our wedding."
Where are they?
"I went out with Brother Yu."
"I've never heard of you having so many older and younger sisters before."
I said, "Just wait and see. Who knows what other people will come on the day of the event? Our Xiao family is a prestigious and respected clan."
Baozi said disdainfully, "Didn't you tell me that only your grandfather's cousin had ever done accounting for the puppet village head?" She asked me, "It's time to account for the people too. Do you think 10 tables would have been enough that day?"
I shook my head: "That's unlikely."
What a joke! Ten tables, 300 will definitely be back that day. Add the Liangshan heroes, and that's how many tables?
Not long after Baozi went upstairs, the sound of a car engine stopping came from the doorway, followed by the sound of arguing. Xiang Yu's voice: "...So my two thousand cavalry on the right flank are just going to watch you attack me?" Hua Mulan's voice: "Your two thousand cavalry were already wiped out by my dive attack!"
Xiang Yu retorted defiantly, "Come on, tell me how you managed to defeat my cavalry with less than three thousand heavy infantry?"
Mulan, while using her shoulder to support the door, gestured with her hands: "Didn't I tell you? Before the general offensive, I'll launch a surprise attack on your cavalry camp. Your cavalry can't be sleeping on their horses, can they?"
...
It seems these two haven't done anything along the way, just switched maps and started fighting again. I'm just wondering, they've been fighting for half their lives, haven't they had enough?
The two men burst in, arguing loudly. Xiang Yu had clearly lost out on the art of war again, so he resorted to his old tricks, and the freakish hero reappeared, single-handedly breaking through the encirclement of ten thousand...
Mulan said in a lecturing tone, "You're always like this. War isn't a matter for one or two people; it requires strategy..."
I replied, "Teamwork."
Mulan clapped her hands: "Yes, that's teamwork. You always emphasize..."
I added: "Individual heroism."
Mulan: "Yes, individual heroism won't work!"
Xiang Yu waved his hand and said, "So you keep emphasizing conspiracies and tricks, is that right? Do you think 10 people can surround one person? Every one of my men is an elite soldier who can take on a hundred men. Even if my two thousand cavalrymen are naked, they can still defeat your three thousand infantrymen."
Hua Mulan said to me angrily, "Look how unreasonable this person is! We agreed to only discuss military strategy. Besides, my men aren't made of paper. Why should one of your Chu soldiers be able to fight as two of me?"
I was so frustrated I could hardly believe my eyes. I waved my hands and said, “Stop arguing. When it comes to fighting, none of you are a match for me. I just need to send a 100-man fireworks unit to launch a feint attack from the front, and then send a 20-man special forces unit to airdrop into your command post for a decapitation strike. That will solve everything.”
Hua Mulan was confused, while Xiang Yu was taken aback and then said, "Back then, we didn't have any artillery units or airborne troops."
I shrugged and said, "Isn't that settled? So you can't really say anything about war. Look at how they fought the Battle of Guandu, the Battle of Feishui, and how they fought with millet and rifles during the Liberation War. There are plenty of examples of the weak defeating the strong."
Just then, Baozi heard someone talking and poked her head out from the stairwell to ask, "Is my cousin back?"
I waved to her and said, "Come here, let me introduce you."
I pulled Baozi in front of Hua Mulan and said, "Cousin, this is our wife, Baozi."
Mulan held the steamed bun in her arms and patted her shoulder hard with her right hand. I think this might be their old military salute.
Baozi smiled and said, "I didn't know my cousin was coming, so I didn't prepare anything. What do you want to eat tonight?"
Hua Mulan said, "Whatever. Just make sure it's warm. I've been eating ice for years, but my stomach isn't very good."
"Is it okay if we eat noodles with soybean paste?"
Hua Mulan said, "Okay!"
Baozi rubbed her shoulders and whispered to me, "My cousin is so cool." Then she went upstairs.
That's really cool. Mulan is dressed in men's clothes, and she's so decisive. I bet when they hugged, Baozi probably saw that Mulan wasn't wearing anything underneath...
I said to Mulan, "Sister, do you feel more confident now that you've seen my wife?"
Hua Mulan glanced at me and said, "What do you know? This is what a woman is like. I like this girl!"
I maliciously thought that maybe ugly people are more popular among their own sex. Does that mean my popularity is related to my appearance? It's one thing for Jin Shaoyan, Hua Rong, and Song Qingai to be with me—but why are Li Kui and Yang Zhi so close to me too?
I looked at Mulan with regret and said, "It's a pity Shishi isn't here. Otherwise, she could take you to buy a few outfits first."
Who is Shishi?
I paused for a moment, then mumbled, "The emperor's concubine."