Liu Laoliu chuckled and said, "If I were you, I wouldn't switch."
"...What do you mean?"
"Your December salary has arrived."
A thought flashed through my mind: "Is it related to cars?"
"Yes. Just a second before I made the call, it had already attached itself to the car you usually drive. This month's paycheck is really good, and now your car is invincible. It's no exaggeration to say that even if all the world's nuclear weapons and missiles exploded around you, you would be completely unharmed as long as you were sitting in the car."
At first, I was quite excited, but then I slowly realized: it's just an armored car, right? Besides, what terrible crime have I committed that would make all the world's nuclear weapons attack me?
I said, annoyed, "You keep giving me all this random stuff. What's the point of making it so sturdy?"
Liu Laoliu said, "Of course, it may have other uses as well. You'll have to discover them gradually, but you'll definitely need it."
I glanced at the salesman staring at me expectantly, covered the phone, and whispered, "Can we discuss this? I just found a new car I like. Could I transfer my salary to the new car? My old one won't be able to run for a while. It's basically a sheet of metal with four wheels on it. It rolls downhill, and it keeps stalling on flat ground..."
Liu Laoliu resolutely said, "Of course not, this is a major taboo in Heaven. We will never allow any undisciplined behavior, as it will cause chaos."
I said, "I just want you to exchange cars, I didn't ask you to make me invulnerable."
"In short, there's no room for negotiation on this matter. And let me kindly remind you, you'll soon need to use its other functions. If I were you, I would never buy a car just to look at it again."
I hung up the phone and yelled, "Damn it!"
The salesman said cautiously, "Sir?"
I apologized to him, saying, "I'm sorry, I can't buy this car for now." If it weren't for Liu Laoliu's last words, I might have still bought it. But after he said that, if I had stubbornly insisted, I might have spent a lot of money to buy a car that's just for show—we're really not so rich that we have to buy a car no matter if we need it or not.
The salesman glanced at the phone in my hand and said with a half-smile, "It's alright, sir."
My face turned red. If I threw this phone on the street, even if someone picked it up, they'd probably be filming a public service announcement about protecting the environment and not littering.
Every profession has its occupational hazards. Doctors often suffer from eczema, police officers are prone to paranoia, and hearse drivers are most afraid of someone tapping them on the shoulder. We, the reserve officers for the divine, have it the worst. We have to use old, worn-out phones, drive beat-up cars, and endure scornful looks. A grown man carrying a sandwich cookie and chewing gum in his pocket every day, like a frantically running-around hypoglycemic patient…
Goodbye, my Mercedes-Benz Jeep.
By the time I reached the door, the salesman had already found another target. Standing next to a BMW, he said to the man, "You might think driving a Mercedes-Benz Jeep is cool, but think about it, do girls these days prefer a cynical Jeep or the allure of a glamorous lifestyle..."
I stood in front of my beat-up car. This car is way more boxy and imposing than any Mercedes or Jeep; it's a rough-and-ready kind of beauty. I opened the door, got in, and after a few frantic turns of the key, it finally started. It seems the internal structure hasn't been improved at all. Before getting in, I did scratch the car body with the tip of the key for a while, and it seemed like nothing happened—or maybe I just didn't notice the scratches; my car is just too dirty.
I thought to myself, annoyed, that driving this car without committing a crime against humanity would be a waste of a good thing. Selling it to a tribal elder in Afghanistan would be perfect. Or I could get the US president to trade me a state, then install it in the core of Air Force One, coordinate a global terrorist attack, and even sell them a few nuclear missiles at a high price—making money while wasting their ammunition.
Or perhaps someday during World War III, I'll finally have my day of triumph. You might think driving a Mercedes-Benz Jeep or a BMW 8 Series is cool, but I can guarantee that this Jinbei van will showcase your taste even more on the battlefield. Think about it, back then, will girls prefer the expensive Mercedes-Benz or BMW, or the durability of this beat-up car?
Chapter Fifty-Three: The Successor
After January, the Lunar New Year was fast approaching. That night, after we had gone to bed, around two or three in the morning, I vaguely heard two low, suppressed hissing sounds outside the window, followed by breaking glass and voices. A few minutes later, I heard a car start and drive away.
I didn't pay attention to it while I was asleep, but less than five minutes later, the phone on my bedside table rang. This time it was a real ring. I lazily waited for a while, and seeing that the other person wasn't going to give up, I had no choice but to answer it, still feeling very sleepy.
The guy on the other end was quite clear-headed, and said in a very calm tone, "Is that Xiaoqiang?"
I asked, disgruntled, "Who are you?"
"I am He Tiandou."
I could tell at the same time. Although I had only spoken to this old guy a few times, his voice left a deep impression on me. It was always kind and gentle with a hint of a smile, unhurried and calm, making it impossible for you to hate him even if he was your enemy.
But right now I just want to skin him alive. I hate being woken up more than anything in my life. I glanced at Baozi, who was still fast asleep, and snorted in a low voice, "I'm fucking scared of you, okay? If you're going to draw any lines, I'll take them. Can we talk about it tomorrow?"
I never expected this! This old man had been quiet for months, and I thought he was up to something. Turns out he'd learned to make harassing phone calls in the middle of the night. I'm already grateful he hung up after only two rings. Why are all the people I meet so unreliable? They're either old con artists or petty thugs.
He Tiandou said, "Don't hang up, listen to me. I'm in trouble, and the only one who can help me is you."
I was wide awake and sat up, asking, "Are you serious?"
"Of course it's true, I have no reason to lie to you."
I slapped my thigh hard and said excitedly, "Thank you for telling me this good news! I can finally get a good night's sleep tonight."
He Tiandou was speechless for a while, then sighed and said, "Stop messing around, Xiaoqiang. Think about it, have I ever really wanted to harm you? At most, we have different positions, but I am not your enemy."
I paused for a moment and said, "How can I help you? Where are you?"
"Come downstairs now, open the door, and you'll see me."
I peeked out through the curtains, but it was pitch black and there was nothing there. I threw on a coat and quietly went to the door, feeling a little nervous. After all, I'd been through several months of this, and although I'd managed to escape unscathed, the old man had made me look pretty bad. Now, we were finally going to meet.
I took a deep breath, opened the door, and sure enough, an old man was standing outside. His skin was smooth, he had a smile on his face, and his silvery-white hair was neatly combed... well, slicked back. In short, he didn't look like a refugee at all; he looked more like a well-mannered gentleman. I paused, then said, "What are you doing here...?" Suddenly, I realized I recognized him. Wasn't this my neighbor? That old nobleman? We'd never spoken, but we always greeted each other when we met. What was he doing at my door in the middle of the night?
The old gentleman smiled slightly at me: "Xiao Qiang, it's me."
I suddenly realized: my neighbor was He Tiandou, and he had actually been living next door to me all along!
They say the most dangerous place is also the safest place. I really didn't expect that someone would actually use such a cliché reasoning on me—cliché reasoning is for cliché people. I really didn't think he was my nemesis. What a failure!
Seeing that I was in a daze, He Tiandou pointed into the room and asked, "May I come in?"
I had no choice but to step aside to let him in, and then I peeked into the next room and saw that several pieces of glass in his house were broken, so it seemed that the sound I had just heard was coming from there.
He Tiandou entered my house, put his hands behind his back, looked around, and stroked his chin, saying, "Hmm, the decoration is quite nice. Are those emperors comfortable living here? I suggest you take a look at the European palace style."
I offered him my seat and asked him directly, "What exactly is going on with you?"
He Tiandou smiled and said, "Can't you tell? My house was attacked, so I had to come here to take refuge."
I frowned and said, "As a deity, aren't you ashamed? How could something like this happen?" I never expected that we would meet under these circumstances. What surprised me even more was that we could talk like old friends without even realizing it.