I continued, "There's a saying that goes, 'Emperors take turns,' and one day it might be my turn..."
Everyone was staring at me with hostile eyes...
"...That's what they mean, well, if you've chosen the profession of emperor, you have to be prepared to be overthrown sooner or later. To put it bluntly, didn't you all build your empires with your fists and feet?"
The group exchanged glances, their expressions softening slightly.
I mustered my courage and said, "To borrow what you all just said, although we live under the same sky, there are no direct conflicts between you. This is different from my two friends who are emperors. Before the one surnamed Ying could even swallow his anger, the one surnamed Liu, along with the one surnamed Xiang, confiscated his property..."
Li Shimin laughed and said, "Are you referring to the conflict between Liu Bang and Xiang Yu at the end of the Qin Dynasty and the beginning of the Han Dynasty?"
I quickly nodded and said, "Yes, yes—your situation is different from theirs, right? Actually, who wouldn't want to be an emperor? Well, let's just say we share the same dream on the same land."
Chapter Sixty-Nine: The Highest Rank of a Minister
After I finished speaking, the group exchanged glances and smiled faintly. This is an experience I've learned from dealing with these ancient people: as long as you present your ambition as a dream, you'll always elicit a knowing smile from them.
Liu Laoliu pointed at me and said, "I haven't formally introduced you all yet. This is Xiaoqiang, the owner of this place. If you need anything in the future, you can go directly to him."
Li Shimin laughed and said, "Xiao Qiang has a good way of speaking. What official position do you hold now?"
That's a difficult question to answer. In the Qin Dynasty, I would be the King of Qi and the King of Wei; in the early Han Dynasty, I was a king of equal rank. But the person asking the question is Emperor Taizong of Tang. I can't possibly use Qin and Han official titles to fool the Tang emperor, can I? What would that be called, a remnant of the previous dynasty?
So I could only say sheepishly, "I'm dressed in plain clothes, hehe, plain clothes..." Actually, I was wearing a leather jacket.
Li Shimin exclaimed in surprise, "That shouldn't be the case. I think you're no less capable than Fang Xuanling."
Liu Laoliu pinched me: "Aren't you going to thank the Emperor?"
Li Shimin and I asked together, "What are you thanking us for?"
Liu Laoliu chuckled slyly, "The Emperor said that your talent is no less than Fang Xuanling's, which means he has appointed you as Prime Minister. A monarch's word is law, so you should thank him."
I never imagined this old swindler had watched so many historical soap operas. In those dramas, those so-called famous ministers and prime ministers would deliberately follow the emperor around, causing him to say the wrong thing, and then they would kowtow to the ground and shout "Thank you for your great favor," all to achieve the effect of knocking bricks and nailing corners. What they relied on was the saying "A ruler's word is law." — Luckily, I'm not the emperor. If a ruler's word were truly law, then when we were being intimate at night, would I keep talking to Baozi about life and death, and whether or not I would keep my word or not?
Now that Liu Laoliu has put me in such a difficult position, and the other party is the emperor, I can't very well refuse to give him face. So I casually picked up a bowl of wine and clinked it against Li Shimin's, saying, "Then thank you for your great favor, Your Majesty. I'll drink it all, you can drink as you please."
The other emperors stared at each other blankly, probably having never seen such a frivolous investiture ceremony before.
Li Shimin knew it was just a joke, smiled slightly, picked up the bowl, and took a sip. Thus, my status changed again, and I became the prime minister during the Zhenguan era of the Tang Dynasty.
Liu Laoliu said, "Actually, Xiaoqiang is the principal of our Yucai Martial Arts School, and he is a well-known figure in the area."
"Principal?" Zhao Kuangyin asked, puzzled.
"It was actually a small private school, but the government invested in it and it grew bigger. You could call it a private school," I said.
Zhu Yuanzhang suddenly realized and said, "That's the Imperial Academy, so wouldn't you be the Grand Tutor?"
I casually raised the glass and said, "Then I thank you again for your great favor—"
Zhu Yuanzhang chuckled and said, "Well... alright, then you shall be my Grand Tutor."
Thus, a brand new villain was born. Grand Tutor Xiao—just listen to that name; it screams ruthless wickedness and selling one's daughter for personal gain. Although this Grand Tutor might be a little different from that other Grand Tutor.
I stole a glance at the other two. Zhao Kuangyin sat upright; I'd always heard that Emperor Taizu of Song was also a rogue by origin, but this didn't seem quite right. Zhu Yuanzhang, on the other hand, occasionally darted around, and had a resemblance to Liu Bang.
Genghis Khan laughed and said, "It seems we all have a greeting gift. We Mongols don't have so many formalities, and I don't know what official position to bestow upon you. How about this, Xiao Qiang, for every bowl of wine you drink, it's equivalent to a day's journey on horseback. All the grasslands you cross in that day, including the people and cattle and sheep there, will be your territory."
Damn, this is ridiculous! I heard that Genghis Khan's descendants conquered so much land that even riding around on horseback for a year wouldn't be enough to cover it all, but I wonder how vast his territory was back then. Judging from his tone, he could probably drink a hundred or two hundred bowls of liquor. If it were beer, I could probably drink my way back to two county-level cities, but who can handle this baijiu? Besides, it was just a joke, why take it so seriously?
So I drank a bowl as a token gesture. Genghis Khan looked at me regretfully and said, "What a pity, you missed a good opportunity. If you're unlucky, you won't even see a single person on this day's journey. But I'll remember it for you."
Later I forgot to ask how the day was calculated, because if you just keep running in a straight line and can't make a circle, you can only get a line segment. What would I need a line for? Am I supposed to go to the grasslands and collect tolls from the herders?
At this moment, all our eyes were focused on Zhao Kuangyin. Whether it was a joke or not, those people had all given gifts. They were all emperors, and there was no such thing as self-respect here.
Zhao Kuangyin scratched his head and said, "They all appointed you as a civil official, right? How about you become a general under me?"
I quickly replied, "Okay, okay."
To be honest, I have absolutely no interest in titles like Prime Minister or Grand Tutor. After graduating from high school, I always find someone to become a Grand Tutor. General sounds much better. Although I can't print it on my business card, wouldn't it be a good topic of conversation when receiving clients from different dynasties?
But I saw Zhu Yuanzhang grinning mischievously at the two of us, while Zhao Kuangyin said, "I hereby bestow upon you the title of Duke of Anguo, and appoint you as the supreme commander of all the armies in the land." He then raised his wine cup and said, "Come, drink this cup, and you will officially assume your post." Everyone could see that Zhao Kuangyin was being somewhat perfunctory. Although I didn't understand anything, I knew that this "Duke" title was just a peerage; to truly command all the armies in the land, one would at least need to be appointed a marshal, right?
Why do I feel so uneasy drinking with Zhao Kuangyin? I glanced at Zhu Yuanzhang's sly smile and suddenly realized: Isn't this a case of "releasing military power over a cup of wine"?
The story goes that Zhao Kuangyin, living in a chaotic era and commanding a large army, saw his opportunity and launched a mutiny at Chenqiao Post Station. Of course, another version claims it was orchestrated by Zhao Kuangyin's subordinates, and that Zhao Kuangyin, in a drunken stupor, donned the imperial robes. I, for one, don't believe it—where would the imperial robes come from? The truth is: Zhao Kuangyin, in a state of delirium, muttered to himself daily: "To declare myself emperor directly or to rebel first, that is the question..."
After Zhao Kuangyin gained control of the country, many of his founding ministers were his old partners who held military power, which made him uneasy. So he set up a table in the palace and said to himself, "You are all my good brothers. If you were to rebel against me, do you think I would kill you or not?"
The old subordinates were naturally terrified and said in unison, "Boss, how could we possibly rebel?" Zhao Kuangyin said, "Don't talk nonsense, brothers. Don't you know how I became emperor?" Everyone thought: Yes, our boss said the same thing to his boss before he became emperor... They were all terrified and didn't know what Zhao Kuangyin was going to do.
Having said all he needed to say, Zhao Kuangyin advised these men, "If you ask me, you are all meritorious officials. How could I treat you unfairly? As long as you don't lead troops, I guarantee that you and your descendants will have food to eat and women to enjoy."
His generals then realized what was happening, and one stood up, saying his head ached, another his nails hurt, and yet another his hearing was failing—basically, they all made excuses to resign from their military posts and take civilian positions. Zhao nodded in satisfaction, then picked up his wine glass and said what he had just told me: "Drink this, and you'll all take up your posts." This is the famous "Release of Military Power over a Cup of Wine" in history.
I covered the wine bowl and pretended to stagger, saying, "Your Majesty, I really can't drink anymore." If I clinked glasses with him again, who knows what unpleasant things he might say? Do you think I'd have to give up my title of Duke of Anguo after only a few minutes? Even a mosquito bite is still meat, am I stupid? With the capacity for this bowl of wine, I'd rather go to Genghis Khan and exchange it for some land.
After extorting money from the four gang leaders, I pulled Liu Laoliu aside and said, "Hurry up, where's my salary?" It wasn't that I actually needed it, but I was just really curious about what strange and unusual things they had to offer this time.
Liu Laoliu pointed to the four people on the table and whispered, "That's your salary for the past few months."
I stood there stunned for a long time, then said, "Don't joke around, hurry up and take it out." As I spoke, I rummaged through all of Liu Laoliu's pockets.
Liu Laoliu chuckled as I tickled him, dodging my harassment, and said, "Stop messing around, I'm not joking with you."
When I reached into Liu Laoliu's pockets and found that he hadn't even put in small things like biscuits or chewing gum, I couldn't help but exclaim angrily, "What did you say?"