Cien años de soledad

Capítulo 2

How stupid of me! Turns out you can slowly open the door by just pressing the button! So embarrassing…

Wow! ...Wow wow wow... Don't get me wrong, I only made one "wow" sound because the tomb was so big, the other "wows" were just echoes.

So magnificent! Whose grave is this? It's bigger than my room... (Aside: Damn! Bigger than your room? What's so big about that?)

Public restrooms are bigger than your room! Come on! You're like ten heifers standing in a row—pretty impressive!

No, I haven't finished yet. It's bigger than a hundred of my rooms! It's practically an underground city!

Auntie? My foot seems to have kicked something round, what is it? I pointed the flashlight down... Ah... a person... a head!

But don't be afraid, it's just a broken terracotta figurine...hehe...you fooled me, didn't you? Sorry, I was just too nervous and wanted to ease the tension. Besides, what's so scary about ghosts? At worst, I'll be scared to death and become a ghost to fight it one-on-one!! Who knows who will win or lose!

It's strange, how come there are no gold, silver and other vulgar things in such a big tomb? I'm not thinking anything evil, I'm just curious. The owner of this tomb should have been very wealthy and extravagant.

Continuing forward, I bumped into a piece of wood. It was… a coffin! Ugh… it really was a coffin! I was so startled I took a half-step back, just half a step. Don't get me wrong, I didn't back down because I was scared, I was just worried the paint on the coffin wasn't dry and would stain my precious night clothes. (Sweat) That reason seems a bit far-fetched, doesn't it? What kind of paint wouldn't dry after two thousand years? You all know what I mean, give me a way out… maybe some girls are reading this. q(^_+)p

Look... No... Just one look... I can't... My heart was filled with conflict. On one hand, I really wanted to pay my respects to the face of the person buried here, but on the other hand, I was afraid that the decaying face would frighten me.

What's there to be afraid of! A real man, since he's here, might as well see what happens! I took another big gulp of wine… My mom's a makeup artist! Does that matter? Of course! She's a makeup artist at a funeral home… you know, the kind who… well, you know. I should at least have inherited some gallbladder DNA, right? (sweat)

The bold starve, the timid are left only to pretend to be full! I slowly slid open the coffin lid, it's so heavy… It's appearing… It's about to appear… I nervously and excitedly peered inside… Ah…

Damn it! There's nothing inside, it's empty! This is outrageous, the coffin lid is so heavy... 555...

I knew it! It's not that easy to find the owner's body.

Wait a minute, there's a slender vase hiding in an inconspicuous corner. Hehe, what's there to be shy about? I still found it.

---janeadam

Reply [6]: I couldn't wait to pick up the vase and examine it... There were only some strange patterns on it that I couldn't understand. It wasn't anything exquisite, just a bit unusual. The mouth and neck of the vase were blocked by a stopper wrapped in red silk cloth. What kind of treasure was inside? It's so mysterious?

"Open it?" I asked, being the timid person I am.

"Nonsense! Of course I'll open it and take a look!" I cursed boldly.

I pulled off the red silk stopper; it was quite tight! I could almost hear the sound of a needle dropping, low yet crisp… Was it my imagination? Because it was so quiet…

What a waste! Empty again! Tch! A ruined tomb, no treasure, no ancient corpse, just an empty vase with a stopper stuck in it. What a pointless adventure. If you don't have money, don't try to show off by digging such a huge tomb. Vanity! Bah!

Disappointed, I put the bottle back in its place and slowly moved it onto the coffin. It was so heavy! Ouch… I was full of energy just now because I was so hopeful, but now it's so difficult to move…

"Young master... would you like my help?"

"Oh, no need, I can do it myself. Thank you for your kindness, miss..." I suddenly felt something was off. I was in a tomb, not a dance hall. Why would a woman be hitting on me?

I turned my head… a long, flowing skirt… a long, flowing skirt… but this time I couldn't get excited at all, because this skirt was something only people in ancient times would wear! Ah!! I didn't even dare to look at her face! Good heavens! All my previous boasts were thrown away; those were just empty threats. How could this be! Who says there are no ghosts? Einstein, Marx, Newton… 555… how could you lie to me!

I was curled up on the ground, trembling. She came, she floated over... She slowly moved closer to me, very close...

Oh my god! Is she...is she going to absorb my pure yang energy? No, or I'll become a dried-up corpse!

Could it be... that she's trying to drain my blood? "No! I haven't showered in a week, the streets are so dusty, and my neck is filthy!"

She got closer and closer to me… “No! Don’t defile me… I’m still a virgin, I have no experience, it’s not fun…”

I'm so close, I can almost hear her breathing. Do ghosts breathe too? I've certainly learned a lot today, but what's the point of having so much knowledge if I don't live to see tomorrow?

When people are terrified to a certain extent, they become reckless and act impulsively, perhaps because they are completely paralyzed with fear...

"Don't you dare insult my innocence, you female ghost! I... I was wearing underwear with Zhong Kui's image on it!"

Oh? Mentioning Zhong Kui worked! The female ghost stopped moving. Although Zhong Kui is a bit ugly, he's quite useful, unlike some people who are all dressed up but are all show and no substance!

"Young master... I'm so cold, may I come closer to you?" What a gentle voice! My ears went weak, and I couldn't help but muster the courage to glance at the female ghost.

Wow! ...Wow wow wow (echo)

You wouldn't believe it until you see it! The female ghost is so beautiful! So gorgeous… The cold sweat and tears from my fright, along with my drool, have triumphantly met on my chest…

I only learned today how the term "classical beauty" is defined! Her eyes sparkled, and my heart softened. Sigh… don't blame me, it's a common weakness among men.

"Can I lean on you?"...

"But...but...it's okay..." Am I crazy? Is my jaw betraying me? How could I say something like that?

The female ghost gently nestled into my arms. Goodness, her body was so cold. It was the first time I'd realized that ghosts actually feel cold too…

---janeadam

Reply [7]: The most frightening thing in Chapter 4 is when the female ghost turns on you!

"Young Master..."

"kindness?"

"May I take a bite?"

"No...no..."

"Just one bite... I'm so hungry..."

"Please! No... Ah..."

My beloved Fuji apples! They were meant to be a late-night snack, but she ate them all...

"What a delicious apple..." The female ghost patted her stomach. Was she full already? Did beautiful women eat so little? She hadn't eaten for thousands of years!

Although she was very beautiful and seemed to have no ill intentions, I still felt it was best to leave as soon as possible.

"Um... on this dark and windy night, with few stars in the sky, it is truly my honor to meet you, young lady. Unfortunately, happy times always pass too quickly, and before I knew it, it was already past midnight. I must take my leave now, so as not to disturb your rest any longer..." I hurriedly picked up the flashlight and ran outside...

"Hey..." The female ghost suddenly tugged at my clothes. Oh my god, I knew one apple wouldn't be enough for her; she's hungry again so quickly. "Young master... can't you stay and keep Xiaoyuan company a little longer? I've been resting here for so long, it's so lonely..."

So her name is Xiaoyuan, nice name! Although chatting with beautiful women is my specialty, who would dare comfort a female ghost? What if we accidentally talk about sex and she suddenly becomes wicked and rapes and kills me... That would be the best-case scenario; what if she prefers to kill first and then rape? Wouldn't I miss out on even the slightest bit of pleasure before I die? If my resume shows that I've been a virgin for over twenty years in the human world, even the Ox-Head and Horse-Face demons would despise me...

"No way... I have things to do when I get back. I haven't washed my clothes, the tires haven't been patched, and I need to sell my stocks quickly... You ghosts wouldn't understand how hard it is to be a human..." I realized my mistake as soon as the words left my mouth. Ugh! My stupid mouth! "Ah, I was just kidding. Being a ghost is great, who wouldn't want to be a ghost... You... you won't turn on me, will you?" I asked worriedly.

"Turn your back on me?" She turned around, then abruptly turned her head back. "Is this how you turn your back on someone?"

Oh my god, that's terrifying... Bang! I collapsed to the ground...

"Young master, what's wrong?" She reverted to her true colors. "You're the one who made me turn against you..."

"No!" I said bitterly, "Please, never turn on me again. Please, have some regard for your ladylike image..."

555…

"Who is it? Who is it?!"...

Ah! It's those three gravediggers! They must have heard my pig-like screams. What should I do? It's too late. I can't let Xiaoyuan scare them away. Suddenly, I remembered the beautiful woman's picture on my wallet and an idea came to me.

"Since you're a ghost, you must be able to transform into something, right?"

"Change to what?"

"This!" I showed her the picture of the sexy woman on my wallet. "Can I dress up as her?"

"Is that so?" Wow, so fast! In the blink of an eye, she's transformed into a hot girl in a tight mini-skirt! That figure, wow!

If I hadn't had such strong self-control, my nose would probably have been gushing blood like lava. (Aside: Stop bragging! You're really blowing your own horn!)

"Remember! We'll pretend to be a couple now... to fool the gravediggers..."

She nodded. What an understanding female ghost!

"Hey! Kid, what are you doing? Don't move!"... The bright light from the stun gun shone on my face, making it impossible for me to open my eyes.

---janeadam

Reply [8]: "I'm sorry! Brother, we are college students who came to the mountain to date. Because it was dark at night, and because we were too passionate and used too much force, we accidentally fell into this place. Could you please take us out? Thank you so much..."

"Don't move!" That Lewis type is so fierce! "College students in love?" He circled around us, asking suspiciously, "If you're a couple, why do you seem so cold towards each other?"

I quickly grabbed Xiaoyuan's hand: "No way! We're each other's first love, we're just a little shy..."

The other two peeping guys spoke up: "Since you're a couple, a kiss is okay, right...hehe!"

Two lecherous scoundrels! Hadn't you finished peeping?

"What do you mean by 'kiss'?" Xiaoyuan asked. Oh no, it was too late to stop her.

"No way, beautiful lady... are you an idiot? No wonder you fell for that guy!"

What are you saying? Are you saying I'm terrible? Damn it! I challenge you to a duel! On the stakes of manly dignity! Suddenly, Xiaoyuan placed my hand on her left breast. "Does this make us a couple?" she retorted.

...

It seems those guys believed us. After all, we hadn't stolen anything, so they led Xiaoyuan and me out of the tomb.

"Kid! Don't run around like that next time, this is a graveyard!"

I pretended to be terrified: "What? Oh my god! No way... That's so scary!"

I took Xiaoyuan's hand and left... We're finally safe, you idiots! But... I looked at Xiaoyuan with an incredulous expression.

"What's going on?" "What?" "You actually have a heartbeat!" I gripped my left hand. "Ghosts shouldn't have a heartbeat, right?"

She sighed softly, "I don't know if I'm a ghost or not, but I'm certain I'm no longer human. It's probably because of the Longevity Pill..."

"The Longevity Pill?"

"Yes! I was selected in the fourth batch of talented women to serve Emperor Wu in the palace..."

"Emperor Wu of Han?! My idol... He's the greatest emperor in history! Wasn't he handsome?"

"It's alright... However, Emperor Wu was a womanizer and desperately wanted to live forever. So he sent people everywhere to search for Taoist priests and elixirs. One day, an old Taoist priest named Master Bangdan came to see me and said he had two seven-colored longevity pills to offer to Emperor Wu. But Emperor Wu was suspicious by nature, so he told me to take one of them first and then observe it for a while."

I was forced to take the Longevity Pill, and two hours later, nothing happened. Emperor Wu was overjoyed. Just as he was about to take the remaining pill, the Immortal Clam suddenly appeared. He used magic to snatch the elixir from Emperor Wu's hand, cursing him for distrusting him and being unworthy to take it, before vanishing... From then on, Emperor Wu's temper became increasingly volatile, and he especially hated me, saying I had stolen his elixir. Finally, one day, he married me off to an old eunuch who had once loyally served him, and graciously allowed the old eunuch to return to his hometown to spend his later years... And so, I left the bustling Chang'an with the old eunuch..."

At this point, tears streamed down her face. A woman's tears are like sulfuric acid, capable of corroding even the hardest heart of any man, let alone mine—I'm not heartless, I just have kidney stones! (Just kidding!)

How pitiful... I never imagined there were people in the world more pitiful than me. I couldn't help but feel compassion. She looked so quiet, kind, and fragile.

But I was wrong. Time will tell, and soon I realized that my thinking was completely wrong!

---janeadam