Famine

Chapter 51

After the start of the semester, thanks to the effects of the Golden Elixir and my senior uncle's touch, I was in good health for a while, and the school was peaceful, so working became a routine matter.

Everything seems fine, but I don't know why I feel down.

"Perhaps Huang'e isn't here," Tang Chen tried his best to comfort me.

After not seeing him for a winter break, I realized he had changed a lot since his freshman year. Back then, he was a handsome and refined boy, but after just one winter break, I noticed his shoulders had broadened, his eyes had matured, and the features of his once somewhat effeminate face had become more resolute.

He's already a true man.

Maybe he's been like this all along, but I just didn't notice because we're together every day. Now he's a senior, and even though our gossip is all over the place, many female students still find excuses to get close to him and attract his attention.

He dealt with it patiently and carefully, and privately he would say that he felt tired.

"Why don't you just choose one of them?" I advised him. "You're a junior now, you should think about the future. If you start cultivating a relationship now, you won't be in a rush to get married in the future."

But he flew into a rage, his face turning blue with anger. "Hengzhi! I never want to hear you say such things again! What would you think if I advised you to get a boyfriend?!"

I glared at him. Suddenly, my heart ached. Yes, Tang Chenruo kept telling me to find a boyfriend. Even though I knew he meant well, why did I have this...this...feeling of being abandoned? We were just close friends.

But once they've each found boyfriends or girlfriends, can they still be this close and harmonious?

“…Don’t cry.” He panicked. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have lost my temper with you…but when I heard you say that, I felt like you were deliberately trying to distance yourself from me…” He turned his head away, “It felt like my heart had been cut several times.”

I barely managed to hold back my tears. "I should apologize for not considering your feelings," I said, bowing my head.

We walked side by side in silence. That day on the way home, he deliberately drove twice on the mountain road, and I didn't stop him.

But I feel a deep sadness in my heart. Every gathering must eventually end in separation. Tang Chen and I are both juniors, graduating in a little over a year. He'll be joining the army then, and I don't know where I'll end up. It's impossible for us to be this close anymore.

He's not me. He'll settle down and start a family someday. What woman would let her husband have a female confidante? In the end, we'll each have our own worries and go our separate ways.

I originally thought I would eventually face Huang'e, but now it seems I was far too self-centered. Huang'e has cultivated to such a level that she doesn't even need to wait for my birth. She has many relatives and friends, mostly demons or spirits. She's still by my side because she can't bear to part with me, not because it's necessary.

I should have let her go to cultivate long ago, but I selfishly kept her until I could no longer keep her.

Following this line of reasoning, Shuohe Shibo will eventually part ways with me, truly a case of "joy in reunion, sorrow in parting."

That night, I secretly cried in my room until midnight. A sense of desolation slowly touched me, but I comforted her by saying it was just menstrual cramps, and I carefully erected a high wall to keep her from knowing my selfish pain.

She's at a crucial time right now, why would I bother her? I'd get nothing in return, not even this much consideration?

But I still hugged my knees, tightly suppressing my voice, and cried all night long while gazing at the dreamcatcher outside the window.

***

The next day, I cheered myself up and went downstairs.

Shuo woke up early and glanced at me. I felt a little embarrassed and avoided her gaze.

Holding a broom, she said calmly, "Where there is gathering, there is parting; if not separation in life, then separation in death."

Her sharp rebuke almost made the tears that had stopped welling up again, but she just smiled and shrugged, "You'll have to face it eventually."

I wanted to say something, but the words stuck in my throat. Tang Chen ran downstairs, shouting, "I'm late! I'm late! I forgot the coach asked me to play tennis this morning!"

His appearance was like a ray of golden light, dispelling the heavy gloom in my heart.

“Let’s go, Hengzhi, I’ll treat you to breakfast after we play tennis…” He pulled my arm, “What’s wrong with your eyes?” and tried to grab my face.

"Are you trying to kill me? Why are you getting physical?" I turned my face away and slapped his arm.

"You're only starting to care now?" He laughed heartily and started playfully teasing me.

When he's by my side, it's as if he can push that melancholy to the very edge, making it almost impossible to forget.

I grabbed my backpack, determined to stop thinking about it for the time being. And Tang Chen's terrifying cycling skills were indeed something I couldn't recall even if I tried.

That afternoon, there was an inter-school tennis friendly match, and Tang Chen was going to play, so I had to wait for him.

But please don't ask me what kind of competition it is, who I'm competing against, or why I'm competing. Someone like me, who's practically an outsider to the world, has a hard time even figuring out the complicated titles among classmates, let alone getting involved in any activities.

Tang Chen insisted that I attend. He said that if I didn't go, the female students would swarm me and cause a lot of trouble, so he needed a professional shield to keep things in check.

What could I do? We're brothers in arms, and even though I've watched him play for years, I still don't understand the scoring rules in tennis. So I just sat quietly in the stands and yawned.

All I knew was that Tang Chen won. Girls these days are bold and passionate; they'd rather die than give up on a relationship, let alone just be a shield. So I was still pushed aside, some distance from Tang Chen.

While I was patiently waiting for Tang Chen to get away, the contestant from another school looked at me hesitantly, "You are... Lin Hengzhi?"

I stared in astonishment at him, his tall figure on horseback, as if I had touched something, something vague and intangible. "Yes. You are…"

"I'm Lin Shaowen!" he exclaimed excitedly. "My God, you've changed so much! You've become... such a refined and beautiful woman. Remember? We were in the same gifted class in junior high!"

I think all the blood in my face has drained away. "...You were the one who scattered like birds and beasts when I was going up the stairs."

"Oh, you still remember?" He scratched his head. "You were so naive when you were little. You were so thin and sallow back then, and you looked so strange. I never imagined you'd be so fair and lovely now! Do you still have a phone number? Or MSN? We're old classmates..."

His mouth opened and closed, but I couldn't understand what he was saying.

Lin Shaowen. Yes, I remember him. At that time, I was having a terrible time with Huang E, and my stepmother had passed away. But I achieved a high score on my intelligence test and was placed in the gifted class.

Lin Shaowen was already very handsome back then, and he was the object of many girls' secret crushes in our class. I liked him too. Yes… I wasn't always this cold-hearted. Especially after losing my stepmother's love, I was even more eager to grasp something in my hands.

I was so young and naive back then. I was so fond of Lin Shaowen that I would secretly write my feelings into my textbooks.

How could Huang E let such a good opportunity pass by? She swapped my textbook with Lin Shaowen's, and Lin Shaowen loudly recited my feelings during the class meeting. The teacher even gave me a major demerit because I "stole" Lin Shaowen's textbook.

Because of this, I was bullied for two years. Every day they would wait at the stairwell, scattering like birds as soon as they saw me come upstairs. Nobody wanted to be in the same group as me, whether it was for experiments or PE class. If any boy dared to say a single word to me, he would be humiliated. They would call me shameless, accuse me of dating, and use all sorts of vulgar language.

I am human too. I also need emotional nourishment. Of course, I have times when I like people, and when I'm almost dying from being devoured by the terrible beast of loneliness, I naturally want to grasp onto something.

But I was so well-educated, so very well-educated. Educated to the point that I'd rather let loneliness consume me, rather cry all night long, than reach out and beg for anything. Especially after I realized that behind love often lies only filth and regret.

"...Hengzhi?" Tang Chen shook me. "What's wrong?"

I then came to my senses. Had I been rude? Had I lost my composure? I don't think so, right? It was only because I felt my lips were stiff that Tang Chen noticed my absent-mindedness.

"Lin Hengzhi, you still haven't given me your phone number or MSN," Lin Shaowen asked persistently.

Because he was caught off guard, I was able to read his mind with a mixture of amusement and disbelief. This simple-minded guy only saw that kind of "bullying" as a game. The ugly and gloomy girl from back then had become smooth-faced and slender, and he had a particular fondness for girls who seemed like they belonged to an immortal army, the lighter the better.

"Why should Hengzhi give it to you?" Tang Chen's eyes turned cold. His use of this as a shield was truly professional-level. "Let's go home." He grabbed my hand and started to leave.

"Lin Hengzhi!" Lin Shaowen called out in dissatisfaction.

“…He is the most important person to me.” I gestured towards Tang Chen and shrugged. “I live with him.”

He opened his mouth wide, looked at Tang Chen, then at me, his mind filled with lewd and obscene images.

I followed Tang Chen, but I felt very cold.

When the past pounces on you like a ghost, it's more powerful than any evil wind, chilling you to the bone.

After I got back, I made an excuse about having a headache and took several showers in my room.

I don't know exactly how many times I washed it, but I felt that the skin on my hands and feet was wrinkled and even peeling a bit. But I still felt that it wasn't clean.

It was incredibly shameful, and a sign of self-degradation and baseness. Lin Shaowen was the first, but I had crushes on several others afterward, and the endings were all similarly tragic. But I must force myself to admit that in my youth I also had crushes and fantasized about others, until I was completely reformed.

It was very dirty.

I turned on the shower again and stood under the water jet, lost in thought. But no matter how much I washed, I couldn't wash away the filth of the past; instead, it felt like a dirty, wet coat was wrapping me tightly around myself.

Fortunately, Tang Chen didn't know. If he did, what would he think?

Water droplets flowed into my eyes, causing a stinging sensation.

At this moment, all the melancholy erupted along with the unbearable past. The hidden worries and troubles suddenly became very clear.

I like everything as it is now, no matter who it is, I don't want to change it. But eventually, we will all part ways, if not in life, then by death. But I'm afraid, I'm so weak-willed.

What if I succumb to loneliness, just like I did in my youth? What if I hurt the beautiful friendship between Tang Chen and me? What if I went mad from fear of loneliness and tried to bind Tang Chen with some sordid relationship?

The thought of categorizing Tang Chen and Lin Shaowen in the same way makes me want to vomit.

Dejected, I walked out of the bathroom, soaking wet, and sat on the edge of the bed wrapped in a towel. No need to wash anymore; it wouldn't get me clean.

Loneliness, layered with melancholy and memories, rushed over me. I felt heavy and cold. I had to talk to someone, I absolutely had to have a conversation. Before I could freeze this moment of beauty and purity with my suicide, someone had to stop me.

“Desolation…” I turned to look at my left shoulder, which was empty. And I, with tears welling up in my eyes, could only swallow them down.

I took out my phone and gave a bitter smile. Perhaps I'll think it's absurd and idiotic to have driven myself into such a dead end. But I've ignored my depression for too long; it's become a serious problem, and I don't have a single close friend to confide in or find solace in.

Tang Chen and I are such good friends, yet we're of different genders, so it's best not to talk about it.

Just as she was about to turn off her phone, she saw Yu Zheng's number. She'd "stolen" it from Tang Chen. But was it really a good idea to call so rashly?

After struggling for a moment, I dialed the number, and someone answered immediately. "Hello?" Yu Zheng's tone was fierce.

"Uh, I am Hengzhi..." I said tremblingly.

"Hengzhi!" Yu Zheng's voice was choked with sobs. "I was just about to call you! But I don't have your number, and it feels weird to call Xiao Chen to ask..."

"What's wrong?" I was startled.

"I want to travel! I can't take it anymore!" she said fiercely. "Come on over! Kaohsiung is fine, there should be buses running now!"

"Why..." I only managed to say three words before she interrupted me.

"Whatever! I'm never going to pay attention to these spineless people again! It's Kaohsiung! I'll be waiting for you at the Kaohsiung High Speed Rail Station! I won't go home until I see you!" Then she hung up the phone.

Staring blankly at my phone, I scratched my head. Her interruption had actually eased much of the melancholy that had been weighing on me.

Kaohsiung...?

I can't explain why she quickly carried out her luggage bag, haphazardly stuffed a few clothes and books in, and then called a taxi.

I can't explain why I didn't say goodbye to Tang Chen before sneaking out the door. Only Guan Haifa glanced at me, and I touched behind her ear.

I don't even know why it's Kaohsiung.

But I'm determined to move on and not let depression and the past destroy me; I'm very sure of that.

Yu Zheng arrived earlier than me and got scolded by her for a while. She took the high-speed rail, I took the train, the speed difference is huge, okay?

To my surprise, her eyes were swollen like walnuts, almost as big as mine. It was truly a tearful encounter between two tearful people.

"Xiao Chen abandoned you?" she asked dejectedly.

“…No!” I replied curtly, a sudden pang of sadness gripping my heart. I lowered my head, holding back my tears.

"Save your energy for crying." She pulled me into a taxi. "I just dumped my thirty-sixth boyfriend... Pshaw! That soft-bodied creature doesn't even deserve to be called a boyfriend!"

…Just listening to her talk makes me feel less depressed.

She told the driver, "Ouyue Motel."

"Huh? I...I...I..." I was genuinely terrified. "I've never been to a motel before..."