“My dad.” Zhou Xingqi said these two words very softly, full of helplessness: “My brother is leaving soon. He was afraid he wouldn’t have enough time, so he wrote day and night, sometimes even forgetting to eat and sleep. He finally finished this thick book yesterday, but my dad found it yesterday and tore it all to shreds…”
Su Jinning's hands, which were at her sides, suddenly clenched, her voice trembling violently. Looking at the notebook, where even the periods were pasted on neatly, she felt a sharp pain in her heart.
He couldn't even imagine what it must have felt to copy something for so long, even to the point of fainting from exhaustion, only to have it torn up in the end.
“My dad kept pointing his finger at him and yelling at him.” Zhou Xingqi looked at him unfocusedly: “He didn’t care, he just lay on the ground and picked up all the pieces, piece by piece…”
More than a hundred pages of paper were torn to shreds and scattered on the floor. Shen Donghai stood at the door, his stomach aching with anger: "He's leaving in three days, and you're still thinking about him! Tell me why?!"
Shen Moyu pretended not to hear, knelt on the ground and collected all the scraps of paper, carefully picked them up and piled them on the desk, his fingers trembling incessantly.
"You don't eat or drink every day, you're ruining your own body, do you know that? You lock yourself in your room day and night copying notes for him! How shameless are you, Shen Moyu!"
"Stop talking, stop talking!" Zhou Xingqi pushed the person away with great effort.
"Are you going to drive my brother crazy before you're satisfied?!" Zhou Xingqi roared. "Look at the state you've created for him! What more do you want him to do?!"
"Do you know that your brother will be ruined if he continues like this?" Shen Donghai's face turned pale. "He'll drive himself into depression sooner or later! These days, he does whatever he's told. I was just afraid he'd do something stupid again, but look at him now. He's already broken an arm for Su Jinning, and it's not enough. Is he trying to ruin himself?"
"This is all your fault!" Zhou Xingqi lost control of his emotions: "You're the one who made them break up, you're the one who turned my brother into this! Do you know how much I regret it these past few days watching him being locked up at home like a prisoner? I shouldn't have agreed to your request in the first place..."
If he hadn't been monitoring Shen Moyu for Shen Donghai in the first place, perhaps none of this would have happened.
"Later, when I opened the door, I saw him lying on the ground," Zhou Xingqi said. As night fell, the dim yellow light shone on his face, making him look forlorn. "He was unconscious for a long time before he got up. Do you know what his first words were?"
Su Jinning looked at him with red eyes.
He asked me if I still had my notes.
Zhou Xingqi watched his brother's back, which had lost fifteen pounds in a month, as if it could crumble at the slightest touch. Shen Moyu leaned weakly against the headboard, gathering all the scattered scraps of paper into his arms, searching through them one by one with tape, and then sticking them back together.
Actually, Stephen Chow has sometimes asked me, "Just how much do you love me to be so reckless?"
Shen Moyu smiled and said, "I don't know."
But only he himself knows that it is immeasurable.
That night, he sat at his desk with a pile of scrap paper and stuck it together until 3 a.m., but Zhou Xingqi was not surprised, because this was already a regular occurrence for him.
Since the two broke up, Shen Moyu often locked herself in her room, doing practice problems and writing materials day and night. She would go to bed at 3:30 and wake up at 7:00. Even during those few hours of sleep, she would often wake up startled.
He often wondered if Shen Moyu was ill, but after thinking it over, he realized that when someone's mind is full of worries, how can they possibly sleep? Especially when they have someone hidden away.
Zhou Xingqi placed the glass of milk on the desk, which seemed to startle Shen Moyu. Shen Moyu looked up and thanked him.
His voice was so hoarse it was heartbreaking; it was clear he hadn't had any water in a long time. Zhou Xingqi patted Shen Moyu's shoulder: "It's three o'clock, get some rest, we'll stick it on again tomorrow."
"This one was torn to too many pieces. I only found a few pieces. I should forget about it by tomorrow morning." Shen Moyu kept his head down and eyes closed, as if he were completing a major project.
Zhou Xingqi pursed his lips, turned around and closed the door. He didn't turn on the light, afraid that Shen Moyu would feel uncomfortable. Instead, he sat down next to Shen Moyu using the light from the desk lamp.
"Brother, aren't you tired?" Zhou Xingqi asked.
Shen Moyu paused for a moment, his tone flat: "It's not important..."
Those words were spoken with such helplessness, containing so much resentment. Zhou Xingqi felt a pang of sadness.
He looked at Shen Moyu's thin, tired face. His brother hadn't smiled at him in a long time, and his once bright, sparkling eyes had lost their luster. Like a walking corpse, he lived an endless, monotonous life, day after day.
"Brother... I'm sorry." Zhou Xingqi cried helplessly, like a child who had made a terrible mistake. "If it weren't for me..." He didn't have the courage to finish his sentence.
Shen Moyu put down what he was doing and rubbed his dry eyes. The dim light from the desk lamp illuminated his face, making it impossible to discern his emotions: "I don't have the energy to listen to any of this anymore. I have no one to blame for how things have come to this."
He laughed, his chapped lips curving upwards, revealing his utter exhaustion: "If you have to blame someone, blame yourself for not being able to keep them."
He doesn't compete or fight for anything; he only hopes that the people around him will willingly stay by my side, but every step he takes is incredibly difficult.
He lowered his head and focused his attention back on the notebook.
No one asked him how it felt to have his notebook, which he had been working on for almost half a month, torn up. He didn't ask himself either, because he only cared whether Su Jinning could understand the incomplete characters.
Author's Note:
My love is unspoken, yet it will forever surge and rage for you.
(Hang in there, it'll be sweet soon!)
#Exclusive for all four seasons
Chapter 100 The Flowering Season as Promised
Zhou Xingqi downed a glass of strong liquor, and the alcohol instantly took effect: "You know what, Ning-ge? I used to think that liking someone meant giving them the best and driving everyone else away... Even if he won't be with me, I can't watch him be with someone else..."
Su Jinning was in a daze, leaning against the bar, staring blankly into space, as if he hadn't heard a word Zhou Xingqi said.
“But it’s not…” Zhou Xingqi was a little drunk, his starry eyes sparkling: “So love isn’t about taking and possessing, it’s about restraint and indulgence.”
Amidst the rustling sound of pages turning, Shen Moyu gazed at the moon hanging high in the sky outside the window.
It is hidden in the clouds and mist, yet it still shines brightly.
Shen Moyu said softly, "He wants me to be happy, but I want to be with him forever. There are so many ways to love someone, and our choices are neither right nor wrong, nor can they be explained."