École des sciences humaines

Chapitre 1

I can't quite remember when I first started seeing those things. From childhood to adulthood, because of my birth date, I've been inextricably linked to these things. I was born at 0:00 AM on the 15th day of the 7th lunar month, which is the time when ghostly energy is at its strongest, and the gates of hell are open. A master who has been practicing Taoism for many years said that I wouldn't live past 25, because the ghostly energy around me was so strong that even he couldn't do anything about it.

From a young age, my mother always took me around looking for sorcerers. I had a whole bunch of Western, Buddhist, and Taoist amulets, and even some talismans from who-knows-where—I don't know if they worked. But those older brothers and sisters in white, blue, and red robes were sometimes quite nice to me. Although, sometimes their expressions seemed a little strange. I didn't think there was anything wrong with that. My grandmother once told me that ghosts won't harm you as long as you're not afraid of them and haven't done anything to offend them.

Author: Xinxinjun Reply Date: 2005-01-02 00:09:00

[Prologue: The Tears of the Oleander]

When I was 10 years old, I actually had a near-death experience. Looking back, I think that was probably the very beginning of everything that happened afterward.

Oleander is said to be poisonous; ingesting it can be fatal. My mother says the more vibrant the oleander flowers, the more unclean it is. Because there must be something buried under the tree, something the oleander can absorb nutrients from. Like a corpse.

That incident happened that spring. The oleander tree in front of our house was blooming exceptionally beautifully, its petals so red they looked like they could bleed. Faintly, I could hear a woman crying.

"Mom, there's a really pretty lady in front of that oleander tree!"

My mother frowned, and with a hint of fear, she pulled me closer, saying, "Xiao Ling, whatever you see, you have to pretend you didn't see it. All of that... doesn't exist. What you're seeing is just an illusion."

"But Mom, that lady smiled at me, she's so pretty!"

"There's no auntie here! Let's go!"

"Sigh~~~~~~~~~~~" Even though they had walked a long way, they could still hear that helpless, faint sigh. "You didn't keep your promise..." When they turned around, there was no one in front of the oleander anymore, only the beautiful flowers blooming.

Springtime, the plum rain season. It started raining here that night. Not a heavy drizzle, just a steady drizzle. In my dreams, I kept thinking of that oleander and that aunt. As if possessed, I got up and looked out the window. The old house was large; I couldn't have seen the oleander from this angle in my room before. But strangely, now I could clearly see it, looking even more alluring in the moonlight. The rain seemed to lessen. I put on my coat, tiptoed down the long corridor, opened the door, turned a corner, and there it was, the oleander.

"So beautiful!"

"Isn't she beautiful?" I turned around and saw the aunt from that afternoon standing behind me. A pale face, a red dress, and flowing long hair. She was truly beautiful, as alluring as a flower, yet tinged with melancholy.

"Aren't you afraid of me? I know you know I'm not...human..." She smiled, her icy hand touching my face. So cold, I shivered.

“I… because you are beautiful… so I’m not afraid…” I looked into her eyes, and there was a strange magic in them that made me unable to look away.

On a spring evening, the slightly cool breeze suddenly felt biting.

"Are you cold? I've been here all alone for so long, and nobody has noticed me. Only you... I've been feeling so cold..."

A gust of wind blew by, carrying the pungent scent of oleander blossoms. I turned around and saw blood trickling down the woman's neck, her long hair now disheveled.

"I'm in so much pain, it hurts so much to be strangled like this..." The cold sensation penetrated deeper into my body. "It's been so long, and you're the only one who's been talking to me... I'm so lonely."

“I’ll come here to keep you company every night from now on!” I said, taking her hand. “Auntie, I know I’m often home alone too, and I’m always by myself.”

"Really?" She returned to her beautiful self. "Then it's a promise... Anyone who doesn't keep their word will pay the price..." That smile was a little eerie, but I was too young to notice at the time.

The oleander blossoms under the moonlight have a pungent, almost suffocating fragrance.

"We're all one person, so let's stay together forever!"

It's the rainy season here, and the rain shows no sign of stopping. After returning home, I started to have a low-grade fever. I forgot to mention something: because I've always been close to things from that world since I was little, my health has always been poor. I'm often sick with fevers. My mother went back to work in the city; she's always been busy. My father is the same, always so busy. Since I was little, I've lived with my grandmother in this old house in the countryside. Whenever I was sick, I would lie in bed and watch the children go to and from school through the window of my room. I had no friends, I was often sick, and I didn't attend enough classes, but our family was a prominent and wealthy family, so the teachers let me get by with this half-day off and half-day schooling. And I had good grades, and most importantly, primary school was nine years of compulsory education. I had no friends; my grandmother was the only person who was kind to me. But she passed away at the beginning of this year. I've always been a precocious child. I know that my ability to see that world has always been somewhat frightening, so I've always wanted to hide it carefully, to live in this countryside until I'm 25 and then die. I'm only 10 years old, but it feels like I've already lived a very long time. I've seen many of those things, but I've never seen Grandma. She's probably... gone to the other world. I don't know what death feels like.

I slept and woke up repeatedly, drifting in and out of sleep. In my hazy state, I felt our nanny come to change my towel. After my grandmother passed away, my mother hired this nanny to live with me and take care of me. She said she would take me back to the city after I graduated from elementary school.

As I drifted off to sleep, I thought of many things from my childhood. The uncle next door who died in a car accident came to me on the seventh day after his death and cried all night. Looking at his half-fallen head, I felt a little nauseous, but remembering how good he had been to me, I still tried to comfort him. As dawn approached, as he was leaving, he told me that he had originally come to take me away. But seeing how kind I was, he couldn't bring himself to do it. He said that most people can't see ghosts. Therefore, ghosts can't do anything to them. Only those who can see them will be taken away by ghosts. Because ghosts are very lonely. Finding someone who can see them is rare, and they can't help but want to take them away. The feeling of loneliness, the feeling of being alone, isn't something only humans fear. As he left, he kissed my forehead and whispered, "You've worked so hard, why don't you come with me?" I was stunned for a moment, and then he smiled and disappeared.

It's like I can smell the oleander blossoms again, their sweetness almost suffocating.

I woke up in the middle of the night, remembered my promise to that aunt, threw on a coat, and ran out again. She was already there.

"You've arrived? You're so punctual!" She smiled faintly, with a hint of unreal melancholy.

Are you waiting for someone? Otherwise, why are you still here?

“I’m waiting for the day when a promise ends. That person… might not come. He’s not like you; he’s never been one to keep promises.”

"Then why do you continue to wait?"

"I don't know...maybe I just hope my days of being alone will end soon!"

"...You want to take me away...is that right?" I licked my dry lips. Ever since that day I made that promise with her, I've had a fever ever since I got back. I should have understood why then.

"You knew? You knew, so why did you come?"

"I want to know why."

"You're such a good child... It's a pity you were born at the wrong time; you shouldn't have seen us. It's fortunate you met me, because I'm the strongest in this area, so my prey dare not lay a hand on me. Now turn around and see how many ghosts in this area want to take you away."

A cold wind blew behind me. I turned around, a wave of nausea washing over me, and I couldn't help but want to vomit. Behind me were at least a hundred wronged spirits. Their spiritual power was probably not as high as that of the woman in front of me; they could only maintain the appearance they had at the time of their death, many with severed limbs and their intestines spilling out. They all stared at me with a horrified look in their eyes.

"See? Actually, you smell pretty much like us. Even though you're still alive. There are a lot of wronged spirits in this area. You know how often car accidents happen here, so there are a lot of spirits lingering here. Everyone is lonely, so of course they want to find more living people to keep them company. And the living people who are taken away by the dead are not willing to die like this, so they go to find other living people. If this cycle continues, there will only be more wronged spirits."

“But you’re the best.” I barely managed to hold back my gagging and asked her, “What’s your name?”

“I forgot…” she lowered her head, “I’m a bound spirit, and I’ve been here for a long time. So long that I’ve even forgotten my own name. The only things I remember are the scar on my neck and a promise.”

"What agreement?"

"I have to wait here for a man named Lei, otherwise I can't leave?"

Why is it here among the oleanders?

"It's funny, really. Someone once told me that oleander symbolizes passionate love. Now I've changed my mind. I want you to do a few things. If you do them all, I won't take you with me. If you don't, you'll suffocate and die from a high fever in a week. This is my new agreement with you."

Author: Xinxinjun Reply Date: 2005-01-02 0:11:00

Another gust of wind rustled the oleander leaves. As the wind lifted her hair, I noticed a faint mark on her neck, somewhat like a ligature mark.

During the plum rain season, the rain drizzles down.

"What agreement..." My voice was a little hoarse. Why? Was it the suffocating sound of the flowers or something else? I didn't know.

"Who am I? Why am I here? It's that simple. If you can do these two things within this week, I might reincarnate." She laughed, then suddenly whispered in my ear, "Maybe you don't really want me to reincarnate at all! Because... you're lonely too, aren't you! Hehe!" She turned around, her red dress fluttering. "Bye-bye! See you again in a week. Or, if you feel bored, you can come find me here. I'll always be here! Because I'm a bound spirit, I can't go anywhere else!"

Oleander is poisonous; ingestion can be fatal.

I was born in a small village in southern China. My family lived in a traditional mansion, so large it felt somewhat lonely. Before the road leading to the outside world was built, the only spirits in our village were men and women from long ago, dressed in elaborate costumes like actors. They always kept me company as I watched the stars by the fields. One day, they told me they had to leave. Actually, when I was little, I didn't dislike the ability to see ghosts. Because I was always alone. Besides my grandmother, they were the only ones who kept me company in the mansion. My grandmother was in poor health and was often taken by my mother to the provincial hospital for treatment. I was puzzled; they had always maintained that appearance, still clinging to this world, so why did they have to leave? They said it was because the village was going to build a road, a main road leading out. After the road was built, it wouldn't be as clean as before. I never understood what they meant by "clean."

They said that from then on, we might never see such a clear starry sky again. People's desires will increase, and hatred and obsessions will also grow. When hatred becomes a whirlpool, they can't guarantee they'll still be able to get along with me as they are now. They might be influenced and lead me to places I shouldn't go.

"You're a good child... You shouldn't have this ability... When you see something you don't want to accept, the best way is to forget everything you see." These were their words as they left. From then on, I never saw the uncles and aunts walking around in their fancy clothes again. I only saw the restless ghosts of those who died in car accidents, and the villagers who went out to pan for gold but failed. They always said to me, "Little sister, are you alone? Do you want to come with us? If we're together, you won't be lonely..." I always pretended not to see them. From then on, I deeply loathed this ability. Being constantly reminded of the fact that I was always alone was extremely annoying. Also, even if they didn't want to take me with them, they would tell me about their regrets in life. Sometimes, looking at them, I felt I hated growing up. For example, Uncle Ding, who became a wealthy businessman outside the village, died because he contracted AIDS from a life of debauchery. He once talked to me about many things... things I don't want to remember anymore. I hate this ability, I deeply loathe it.

When the fever started, my head felt heavy. I didn't want to deliberately look for clues about the promise I made with Aunt Oleander. Maybe subconsciously I hoped to leave this world sooner, so I wouldn't be alone. But for some reason, I kept thinking about that annoying Uncle Ding. He seemed to have said something to me before his ascension. Something very important. I forgot. It seemed like something was extremely important. Before falling asleep, I remembered the faint marks on Aunt Oleander's neck.

"I heard that the man from the Ding family has recently become obsessed with the hostesses at the hotel and isn't coming home anymore!"

"Don't you know? Men, once they get money, they turn bad!"

“Aunt Ding, don’t be afraid! We will help you. After all, you’ve been through so much hardship with him. You can’t just divorce him like this without a clear explanation. You should at least get a share of his property. And when you get any benefits, don’t forget to share some with the villagers who have taken care of you.”

"Oh dear, Aunt Ding... committed suicide by drinking pesticide."

"What bad luck! So many years of hardship, I thought I was finally over..."

"She loved oleanders the most when she was alive, so let's bury her under the oleanders at the entrance of the village!"

Wait a minute! Isn't the oleander at the village entrance? How did it get to my doorstep? The road? Oh right, back when they were building the road for the second time, they had to requisition a lot of land, so everyone moved the oleander to my doorstep. But, wasn't Aunt Ding cremated a long time ago? Why, why is she back?

I suddenly woke up from my sleep. What important thing had I forgotten? What did Uncle Ding say when he left that I had forgotten?

I rushed to the oleander tree, and sure enough, she was there.

"Aunt Ding, is that you? You've changed so much, I didn't recognize you at all."

"You know?" As she smiled, the kind smile lines on her forehead faintly revealed the shadow of Aunt Ding. "It's an amazing ability, isn't it! Because her resentment was so strong when she died, she gained the ability to change her appearance at will. However, I don't want to turn back into Aunt Ding's original appearance. After all, that face, already full of wrinkles, can't compare to how it is now. Besides, even when that old man died, he only liked beautiful women. If I had been this pretty before, he probably wouldn't have gone to see prostitutes." She lowered her head, and tears could be vaguely seen in her eyes.

"I know why you came to find me." The voice was faint and unreal, as if it weren't my own, but I seemed to remember what Grandpa Ding said when he left. Thinking of it, tears welled up in my eyes.

“Come with me! I’ll tell you the real reason you came to me, a reason you yourself don’t even know.” I reached out and pulled her forcefully. She felt icy cold; she really was a ghost! Maybe the fever really was making me delirious, because I actually wanted to take a bound spirit with me.

"Xiao Ling, are you crazy! I can't leave here, don't you know that? My obsession is all here, I can't leave." Aunt Ding shouted.

"I definitely can! I'll make you see it, otherwise you'll have stayed here all these years, all alone... always alone..." The weight behind me felt like a thousand pounds, but I couldn't let go. Loneliness is something even ghosts fear.

We remained in this stalemate for about half an hour. Because of my fever, I was drenched in sweat and felt like I was really about to die. The oleander flowers had a pungent fragrance, but hidden beneath that fragrance was a profound loneliness.

"Don't try anymore, silly child~~~ It's useless. My obsession, my resentment, have gone too far, so deep that even I can't resolve it. That's why I've been staying here with the oleander. If you continue like this, you won't even have to wait a week; in a little while, you'll die."

I didn't answer, but just tried to pull her forward. It seemed like we moved a little bit.

"You silly child..." I felt a cool sensation on my neck. My body felt lighter. I passed out and knew nothing more.

Author: Xinxinjun Reply Date: 2005-01-02 0:12:00

Is he dead? I don't know.

For a long, long time, my mind went blank, and I could only smell the scent of oleander, but this time it wasn't pungent at all; instead, it was a very gentle fragrance.

I woke up. In front of me was the railway track behind Aunt Ding's house.

"What a pity. This used to be a large oleander field! It's very rare in the south. I thought I'd see some this time, but it's turned into a railway now!"

Aunt Ding sat down beside me and said, "You're awake? Looks like it's not time for you to leave yet!"

I got up and looked at her: "How did you know I wanted to bring you here?"

"I don't know. I suddenly remembered that you used to come here to play with me often when you were little. Back then, your Uncle Ding was still a farmer, and this was the only place he knew how to be romantic—this oleander grove. When I was young, a city girl was willing to marry this country farmer who had nothing, probably because of this oleander grove. At that time, I thought I would live such a simple and happy life forever!"

"The person you're waiting for is Uncle Ding, his full name is Ding Dalei, isn't it?"

“Why should I wait for him? He's already been promoted. I don't even know why I'm waiting for him. He clearly promised me he'd come back for dinner that day, but… ever since the road was repaired, and he started making handicrafts out of these oleanders to sell, everything has changed. At first, we thought money would bring us a good life… who knew… how did I become so ugly? Taking care of the kids, doing laundry… I can't find that beautiful version of myself I used to be… so whenever I hear he's going to prostitutes, all I do is make a scene… later…”

"...Aunt Ding..."

"Don't say anything more. I came to find you probably because I'm tired. I've been alone for so long, and all I've ever known is hatred... It seems like I've forgotten many important things. I think it's time for me to go."

She turned away, tears welling in her eyes. "Goodbye! Our promise is off..." She kissed my forehead; it was icy cold. So cold it hurt.

"Wait! Aunt Ding! Your... death..."

"Don't say anything, I've already forgotten..."

The wind rustled the oleander leaves. Everyone hates living alone, but sometimes you have to get used to it. The fragrance of the flowers faded sadly in the wind, until it was no longer detectable.

"Damn it! That bitch, I told her to divorce me, but she wouldn't! I offered her a million, but she still wouldn't take it. So I lost my temper and strangled her with a belt. Surprisingly, she didn't struggle, just looked at me with tears in her eyes, telling me to be good to the children. How boring. Now that she's dead, I'm going to go have some fun. Luckily, there was pesticide under her bed. I drove it up and it crashed, so the villagers thought she committed suicide by drinking pesticide and didn't call the police. What a good thing! The worst part is that not long after she left, I was cheated on by that prostitute, and who knew I'd contracted this disease, and... really... I haven't had enough fun yet!" Until he left, Uncle Ding was still cursing... cursing nonstop.

In spring, oleanders bloom, but the past is gone and will never return.

Later, I was found unconscious by the railway tracks. Luckily, no trains passed by that night. But because of a high fever, I had to stay in bed for a whole week before I recovered. When I woke up, the oleander was gone; I heard it had already withered. The weather cleared up, and my mother told me that no matter what, I had to go back to the provincial capital after graduating from elementary school.

How long will this solitude last? Actually, maybe subconsciously I wish I could just die like this. I'm already disgusted with this loneliness.

The old house was empty and lifeless.

A precocious childhood is devoid of joy.