"Sister! Do you really like Zhou... Dazheng? I mean, love!" At eighteen, I was full of longing for love and believed in it without a doubt.
“I trust him. I can’t quite define my feelings for him. I trust him; he’s the only man in this world I can trust besides my grandfather. I’m willing to tie the rest of my life to him. Do you understand?” She was calm and composed.
"I admit Uncle Zhou is a good person, but why don't you relax and look at other people? Maybe you'll find someone even more lovable, right?"
"Fool! Talk about yourself! Are you okay alone in Beijing?" She decided to change the subject.
“Of course, there’s Fang Cheng too. He’ll take care of me!” I said matter-of-factly. She looked at me thoughtfully, a playful smile on her face. After thinking for a moment, she said, “It’s just a pity I have to go to court that day and can’t see you off, but you have Fang Cheng, right? Maybe in a few months, I’ll temporarily leave the firm. Once things are settled here, I’ll bring Grandpa and Grandma over until you graduate from university. You won’t be so lonely in Beijing then, and Fang Cheng will have a place to eat home-cooked meals and rest.”
"Why?! Don't you trust me?" I didn't quite understand.
"No, you've never left us. No matter what, the four of us will stay together, and Grandpa and Grandma feel the same way! I also want to use these few years to think carefully about my relationship with Dazheng! He agrees too! I've actually relied on him a lot these past few years, and I also want to go out and do things on my own. Let distance speak for itself for a few years!" She must have thought it through long ago. I think she would never rely on anyone, including Uncle Zhou.
"I understand!" I nodded vigorously. I was so happy. I had never left home before, and more importantly, my sister was really considering her relationship with Uncle Zhou. I would have my own home in Beijing—what a wonderful thing that was! At that moment, I felt like the happiest person in the world. I truly felt happy then.
My sister still bought me a sleeper ticket; she couldn't bear to see me suffer for over ten hours. Fang Cheng and I chatted face-to-face, and I realized we didn't know each other at all. When we got off the train, I learned he only had his father; his mother had died in childbirth. His father was very busy, and he usually spent time with an elderly caregiver at home. He didn't like talking about his father, so it seemed their relationship was strained, just like mine. I also told him about my family—my parents, grandparents, and so on—but I talked most about my sister, because she's now the head of our household! Yes, he and I are really similar in many ways. We have a father, which is like having no father at all; we both lost our mothers; we've both been trying to live our lives in our own ways, and now we're about to face a new life together. But there's one thing he really envies: I have a sister. When I got off the train, I told him, "Take good care of me! In a few days, my grandparents and sister will be coming to Beijing. I'll have a home in Beijing now, and I'll protect you!"
My sister didn't arrive on time. She called to say she had some unfinished business and had to postpone it. This postponement lasted for over half a year, until I had my vacation and she booked a plane ticket for me to come back immediately. It was then that I realized something might have happened at home! Fang Cheng asked if I wanted him to come with me. I shook my head and boarded the plane alone with my luggage. For me, at that moment, I wanted to face it alone! My grandmother died. A few months ago, she sat alone on the stairs and quietly passed away, peacefully, seemingly without any pain. My grandfather couldn't bear the shock and fell ill. He refused to accept the fact that my grandmother was gone, even refusing injections and medication. His condition is very bad, and he's still in the hospital. My sister has been working and taking care of my grandfather these days, and she looks very haggard. She told me to comfort my grandfather, that he loved me the most. But when my grandfather saw me, he could only sob; he couldn't speak anymore, so I could only cry loudly. It seemed my grandfather was just waiting for me to come back; he passed away a couple of days later. Actually, my sister and I were prepared, but truly accepting the reality was another matter entirely. My sister and I were packing their things when I realized how truly impoverished our family was. My grandparents hardly owned any decent clothes, and even my grandfather's walking stick was worn and tattered. My sister noticed my confusion and gave a bitter smile. "I keep buying them new clothes and a new walking stick, but as soon as I buy something, they return it. Dazheng keeps giving them things, but they've never accepted them!"
"Why?"
"They told me not to waste money and that I should save it. As for Dazheng, I think they did it so I wouldn't feel like I owed him too much of a favor that I could never repay!" We spent a New Year without our grandparents, and for the first time, I felt so lonely. My sister seemed so helpless; all her efforts over the years were to give us a good life. But I never expected that our grandparents would leave us so soon, and so suddenly.
On the day I returned to Beijing, my sister and Uncle Zhou saw me off at the airport. Before I went through the gate, my sister hugged me tightly and whispered, "It's just the two of us now!"
I cried all the way to Beijing. Fang Cheng picked me up at the airport; my sister had asked him to come because she didn't want me to go back to school alone. I was so lonely! I kept crying and telling him stories about my grandparents. He listened silently until I finished crying and he finally said, "The old folks just didn't want to be a burden to you."
I was stunned. Yes, Grandma often said she hoped to die peacefully, but after Grandpa, so he wouldn't be a burden to us! Yes, they were always afraid of being a burden. After I got into university, Grandma often said she could finally tell Mom she was done. Aren't my sister and I also a heavy burden to them? The words were cruel, but saying them hurt, and though crying helped heal the wounds. From that day on, I worked hard to make the most of my university life. Grandpa and Grandma left so that my sister and I could live more easily. I should strive to make my life better and more meaningful! I stopped focusing solely on studying. I participated in various extracurricular activities and learned new things. I had never played like this before; playing was so unfamiliar and so new to me! I stopped striving to be number one. Although Fang Cheng lost his former sharpness after entering university, he became calmer. He didn't go out with me anymore; he spent his time in the library, and he became more gentle and refined. Even so, he still lost to me in every exam, after all that crazy fun. We still ate together once a week, at the same time and place. He made his friends, and I made mine, but we knew that the other came first in our hearts.
Just before summer vacation started, I received a call from my sister. She said she had arrived and gave me an address. I was startled and dragged Fang Cheng there. Fang Cheng found it strange that we sisters had to include him in our get-together. I couldn't explain it either, but I said fiercely that my sister was moving and might have some heavy work to do, so who else would she ask but him! He didn't say anything more. It was an old neighborhood not far from our school, with a nice environment. We found the door according to the address. I knocked on the door, and she rushed out to open it for me, still holding a spatula in one hand. She didn't see that there was someone else behind me before running back inside. Her hair was casually tied back and secured with something—a thin metal ballpoint pen! She was wearing a casual dress with an apron tied around her waist, and her face was bare. This was my sister. I didn't think much of it, but Fang Cheng was stunned. Perhaps he hadn't expected my sister, whom I described as having three heads and six arms, to look like this.
I pulled him into the house, which was an old-fashioned three-bedroom apartment. The living room was small, but thanks to my sister's skillful arrangement, it looked very comfortable. Several of my favorite dishes were already on the small dining table, so it seemed that she had really arranged everything before informing me.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" I shouted into the kitchen.
"Dazheng brought me here and helped me settle in before leaving!" She brought out a bowl of soup. "I was counting on you! It was all because you found an opportunity to exploit Fang Cheng." She was focused on getting the soup and didn't notice Fang Cheng.
"Sis!" I said, a little embarrassed. "Sis, this is Fang Cheng. I asked him to come and help me."
"Hello!" Fang Cheng, usually so casual, seemed a little reserved and uneasy. It was the first time I'd ever seen him like this. His face was flushed, and he seemed unsure what to do with his hands. Was he nervous about seeing my family? His nervousness stirred a sweet and shy feeling within me.
"You're Fang Cheng?!" My sister looked him over carefully, then burst into laughter. I'd never seen my sister laugh so freely before. She extended her right hand to Fang Cheng. "My name is Xiao Qin. You can call me 'sister' like Yingying does!" I was so happy that day. My sister was here; I had a home in Beijing! More importantly, my sister seemed to like Fang Cheng.
My sister said she'd set up a bed for Fang Cheng in the middle study so he could come home with me on weekends! She said it so casually, but it sounded jarring to me. I immediately started complaining, but my sister glared at me and said it was fate that we got into the same school, so we should help each other! Fang Cheng seemed very touched, and his speech became even more stammering. My sister's smile deepened.
After dinner, Fang Cheng and I went back to school together, not out of politeness, but because school rules prohibited staying out overnight. On the way back, Fang Cheng asked if the house was rented. I said yes. He was surprised that we called a rented house "home." I smiled, stopped facing him, looked him intently in the eyes, and said, word by word, "For my sister and me, wherever the other is is our home!" He understood and didn't ask any more questions. When he walked me to my dormitory, he said, "Your sister is so beautiful!" I was particularly proud and said, "Of course!" Yes, my sister is truly beautiful. Even in the most ordinary clothes, with just a pen stuck in her hair, she looks so beautiful. That must be true beauty!
For the next three years, Fang Cheng would come to my house every holiday, as if he truly considered it his home. He never went back to his own home during his four years of university. I was more playful than him, and sometimes I would go back by myself. My sister didn't mind and even made a key for him. We drifted along like this, neither lovers nor friends, until graduation.
"What are your plans?!" my sister asked Fang Cheng. She knew that Fang Cheng's whereabouts would affect me, and my whereabouts would affect her.
"What about you?" He looked at me, and I shook my head. I wanted to know about Fang Cheng. If he stayed, I would naturally stay with him. If he went back, I would look at my sister. I didn't know if she would come with us.
“My relationship with my father is not good, and I don’t really want to go back!” He stated his position first. “I have his permission to stay here and develop my career. You will stay too, right?” He looked at his sister, and his sister looked at me.
"Do you want to stay?" The older sister didn't actually need to ask.
"But jobs are so hard to find!" I'm as lazy as a kitten. I don't want to look for a job; I'd rather a job come to me. "Why don't I just become a writer? I can focus on writing a book at home, and then I won't have to pay tuition, which will save you money!"
"Yes!" she thought for a moment, "You're alone, no! I'll buy this place, can the two of you stay here?"
"What?!" Fang Cheng and I screamed together.
"Taisho hasn't been feeling well lately and wants me to come back!" she said calmly.
"sister!"
"I'm only going back to take care of him, not to get married! He's not in good health, shouldn't I go? I'll just stay for a while, okay? I'll think about it some more! Fang Cheng, will you keep an eye on Yingying?"
“You’re just going to spoil her like this, writer! What does she know sitting at home? She’ll only become a parasite!” He glared at me.
My sister shook her head, assuming we were just flirting. She waved her hand dismissively: "You two should figure this out yourselves; I'm not involved!"
"She and I are just friends."
"Whoever wants to discuss this with him, I'll go find a job! I'm an excellent student, I refuse to believe I can't find one!" I said angrily. His hasty disassociation from me made me feel uneasy and disappointed. I thought maybe he was shy, or maybe everything wasn't settled yet. Besides, I didn't have time to think about that at the time. My sister was going back, what if she really stayed? And then there was my job.
My sister really went back to see Uncle Zhou. Fang Cheng didn't move in; he just ate dinner with me every day. Meanwhile, I was desperately looking for a job, but jobs really weren't easy to find. Beijing, the heart of the country, a place where elites from all over gather. There were thousands upon thousands of fresh graduates like me. What good was a prestigious university? What good was being academically excellent? Those days were truly exhausting, filled with rejections everywhere. Eventually, I was even willing to do secretarial work! Maybe it was because I was decent-looking, but I finally got an interview, which was my only gain during that period. Back home, I slumped weakly on the sofa. He was cooking. Seeing me come in, he tossed me a form. A contract! He had already filled it out for me; all I had to do was sign it.
"You..." I was speechless. He found a job as an editor at a magazine, and I was with him, but the difference was that I was in the news gathering and editing team, while he was in the editorial team! We were just in different departments.
"What are you daydreaming about? Hurry up and sign it so I can go take care of other things." He tapped my head, and I wrote my name in a daze. He carefully put the contract away, and then yelled, "Eat!"
My sister then came out of the kitchen with a big smile; she was back! I jumped off the sofa.
"Is Uncle Zhou alright?"
"Yeah! He had surgery, and only called me after it was all over. Sigh!" She seemed deeply moved by him. She glanced at us. "You two are arguing so much, but neither of you can let go of the other!"
"Who said that!" we exclaimed in unison. I glared at him and spoke first, "Sis, this guy and I are just ordinary classmates. I took him in because I felt sorry for him. Don't get the wrong idea!"
"I only helped her find a job because you fed me for four years," he said calmly to his sister. "I didn't want you to work too hard!"
My sister was laughing so hard she almost fainted. Because of my childish behavior with him, she was panting and leaning on the table. He quickly went to pour her a glass of water.
"How did you find two jobs?" I was indignant.
“The president is a friend of my father’s, and they happen to be short-staffed, so I recommended you!” He said casually, as if it were no big deal to him. Seeing that his sister had almost finished laughing, he handed her a tissue. His sister paused for a moment when she heard this, but didn’t say anything.
Chapter 3
For the next few days, I breathed a sigh of relief and focused on reading and playing, letting him handle everything else. He still came over for dinner every day, and my sister didn't mention going back, but I sensed she was troubled. One day in July, the three of us were chatting and eating watermelon in the living room when the phone rang at an inopportune moment. It was usually for my sister, and she quickly went to answer it.
"It's me!" Fang Cheng and I could only see her back. We felt the sweltering air suddenly turn cold. Her originally cheerful voice disappeared quickly, and her back stiffened.
"It has nothing to do with me!" Her voice was cold, even malicious. It was the first time I'd ever seen her speak to someone like that. I had a bad feeling and rushed over, but she had already hung up.
"Is that Dad? What did he say? Does he want to see me?" I looked at her anxiously, and she looked at me too, for a while.
"He's going to die. That was his wife on the phone just now!"
"I want to see him!" I tried to run outside, but she grabbed my arm. I tried to shake her off, but I couldn't. "I want to see him! He's dying! He's my dad! If he dies, we won't have a dad anymore!" I burst into tears. My sister looked at me, slowly let go of my arm, and gave me her wallet. After a while, she slowly went back to her room. At the door, she asked Fang Cheng to come back with me, and Fang Cheng nodded. He came over and pulled me back; I was stunned. He took me to the airport.
The plane wasn't taking off for a while, so he took me to a coffee shop. "When I was little, my father always said he was busy and would send the nanny or his colleague to parent-teacher conferences. Teachers and classmates would laugh at me, and I'd hit anyone who laughed! I was just a bad kid, it didn't matter. I was so bad, but he couldn't see it, and even if he did, he didn't have time to scold me. Later, I got tired of causing trouble. I felt that no matter what I was like, it didn't matter to him, so I might as well study hard, get into a university in another city, leave him, and live on my own. What about you?" He looked at me.
"I've been trying my best, I've always been the best, and I hope he regrets it." I smiled bitterly, revealing a secret I'd kept for so many years, a secret my sisters had never known.
"Definitely! You are so perfect and outstanding!" He smiled, a gentle and sincere smile, the first time he had ever smiled at me like that. My depressed mood was strangely tinged with a secret joy—was this a confession? I boarded the plane under his care, all my previous fear and anxiety vanishing completely. At that moment, I felt sweet.
My father was really dying. He was in a large hospital room, just like my mother's, with a foul smell. Nobody dared to come near him. Beside him was a boy of about fifteen or sixteen and a middle-aged woman. She seemed more concerned about the boy, her eyes fixed on him. When the boy saw us, he nudged my father.
"Dad! Second Sister's here!" Does he recognize me? I couldn't help but glance at him; he looked more like my father. I looked at my father; he was very thin and old, and I couldn't remember what he looked like at all. I tried to overcome that feeling of unfamiliarity, but my legs were trembling. Fang Cheng supported my waist, and I smiled weakly at him.
"Xiao Ying!"
"It's me! How are you?"
Where is Qin?
"She's...busy!" I had already prepared an excuse, but when it came to actually lying, I still stammered.
"Don't lie! She's not coming!" He chuckled, looking just like my sister! That's how she laughs when she teases me. His eyes were bright, just like my sister's. I suddenly felt a sense of kinship with him.
"Dad! Take a rest!" The boy helped his father up; he seemed quite sensible.
“Your younger brother, Xiao Ming!” My father pointed at him and said to me. I smiled at the boy. “Younger brother” was a foreign word, but I felt a connection with him, perhaps an innate affinity. My father continued, “Give him to your sister!” He smiled slyly. Give him to your sister? I didn’t understand. I looked at Fang Cheng, who was staring intently at Xiao Ming. Good heavens! Give Xiao Ming to your sister? How could she possibly accept that? My face turned pale with fright.
"No, Xiao Ming has to come with me!" the woman shrieked. I breathed a sigh of relief. Right, he still has his mother. Surely his mother wouldn't let his sister take care of her too!
"No, it's with my sister!" Xiao Ming said firmly, it seemed he and his father had discussed it. The boy's calm expression was exactly like his sister's. Did this mean we were really siblings? I stared at them blankly, completely forgetting why I had come here.
"Stop arguing! Uncle, you should rest. I'll go talk to the doctor." Fang Cheng pulled up a chair for me, interrupting the mother and son's argument. He smiled at his father. Yes, the most rational person is always the outsider.
"Who are you?!" his father exclaimed, staring at him.
"Fang Cheng!" He spoke gently, yet with a firm voice, instantly calming everyone down. The father smiled.
"Fang Cheng! It's you! You're the Fang Cheng who beat Yingying! Well done! You'll take care of the three siblings, won't you?" Fang Cheng patted his hand without saying anything and went out. He knew, he knew Fang Cheng. My eyes blurred; he hadn't forgotten us, he knew how outstanding I was.
"Dad!" I called him for the first time.
“You’re so beautiful, just like your mother!” he smiled at me.
“My sister is prettier, and she’s very capable.” I think he wanted to know.
“I know. She inherited the best qualities of both your mother and me. You're like your mother, and Xiao Ming is like me!” I felt he was a little confused. He seemed to think Xiao Ming was also my mother's child. I looked at the woman; she seemed used to it, standing far away, watching him. I felt she seemed to deeply love my father, yet also wanted to kill him. I couldn't understand her feelings. Xiao Ming smiled at my father; he was used to his ramblings. My father continued his commotion, sometimes lucid, sometimes confused. After a while, Fang Cheng returned, gently supporting my shoulder. I looked back at him; his face was grave. I sighed, and he patted my shoulder, as if to comfort me. My father left, calling my mother's name. I cried. No matter what, he was my father. Fang Cheng held me in his arms, gently comforting me. The pain of losing my father seemed to be soothed instantly. My tears were because my father had never given me anything, nor had he ever appeared in my life, leaving only an emptiness in my heart and an indelible regret.
That evening, Fang Cheng and I were planning to stay at a hotel, but Xiao Ming invited us to his and his father's home. I also wanted to see how he and his father had lived all these years, so I went. It was a small two-bedroom apartment, and they seemed to be living quite well. It was in that old building, the same place my sister had taken me to when I was little. His mother didn't live there; they had separated shortly after Xiao Ming was born, and it seemed his father had only married for Xiao Ming's sake.
"Why don't you want to live with your mother? Is it because she remarried?" Fang Cheng asked Xiao Ming.
"I don't want to talk!" He was very tired. I nodded. He must be feeling much worse than me after losing his father. I shook my head at Fang Cheng.
"If you don't talk to me, I don't know how to tell your older sister!" He sighed. He had no choice but to let his sister know about this as soon as possible so that she could come up with a solution.
“Dad has blocked all her paths. She has no choice but to have it!” He was very certain. I stared at him blankly, as did Fang Cheng, who nodded after a moment’s thought. He picked up the phone and called his sister back in Beijing.
“It’s me…it’s…10:32 PM…she’s alright…it’s…wait…won’t you come back for a bit…I know, he…has a son, your brother is with you now!…I know! Don’t get agitated, listen to me, come back and handle it!…I’ll take care of her!…Okay!…We’re staying at ‘that person’s’ house now. Don’t overthink it! Alright!” He hung up the phone, and looking at his face, you could tell his sister had been furious on the phone. He looked at us, “You two get a good night’s sleep! I’ll come pick you up tomorrow to take care of the rest.”
“You can sleep on the sofa!” I pointed to the sofa in the living room. He glared at me, but still sat down. I thought he would stay with me for the night. I was so glad he actually did. Xiao Ming let me stay in his room, and he stayed in my father's room. Fang Cheng slept in the living room; I could hear him tossing and turning, his sleep restless. And then there was Xiao Ming; I could hear him crying. He didn't cry when my father closed his eyes, he tried to hold back, but only in the quiet of the night did he hide away and cry. He was still so young; I felt a pang of pity for my little brother. My little brother!
Fang Cheng handled all the funeral arrangements. Although my father had made the arrangements, someone still had to step up and take charge. I never knew he could be so calm and composed when dealing with things. Xiao Ming tried to remain calm, but he still looked bewildered in the crowd. As for me, I really couldn't manage anything. No matter what happened, I would always look to Fang Cheng. So after that, I gained another nickname: 'Little Idiot'! I couldn't rely on anyone. For me, all I had to do was sit still and nod when I saw people. The night before my father went up the mountain, Xiao Ming was asleep, and I sat with him in the living room drinking tea. I looked a little tired, and he smiled and ruffled my short hair.
Don't be too sad!
"How much older are you than me!" I suddenly asked. I knew his birthday; he was only a month older than me. Why did he seem so much better than me? That was the first time I felt he was better than me! He smiled; he understood what I meant.
“Because you have Xiao Qin!” he said softly.
"Yes, my sister not only raised me, but also protected me from harm and let me grow up happily." I couldn't help but sigh and smile contentedly.
"Smile more! You look really good when you smile! You know what? My roommates all say I'm too nice to you. They say I'm incredibly brave!"
"Is it that difficult to be with me?" I laughed. Outside, I am a lady, but in his dorm room, I am not so gentle with him. That is a regular occurrence in their dorm.
“I told them, ‘Nothing ventured, nothing gained.’” He sniffed.
"Tiger?" I was taken aback. If I was Tiger's Den, then who was Tiger? Actually, it was already obvious. It was just my sister and me at home. "Is it my sister?"
"Is there anyone else in your family?" He rolled his eyes at me.
"But she's older than you!" My mind went completely blank.
"I know, I thought it was just a momentary lapse of judgment. For the past four years, I've been reminding myself that she and I are impossible, but I can't! I can't control myself!" He sighed. It seemed he was serious. I didn't say anything and silently went back to my room. That night, I cried. Or perhaps it wasn't really crying; tears just kept streaming down my face. It felt like I was going to shed all the tears I had in my life in one go that day!