I'm speechless. These senior brothers really seem to thrive on chaos!
I stared at my master, and after a long while, I managed to utter a single phrase: "The innocent will clear themselves." This phrase is usually used when one wants to defend oneself but fails, and is used out of utter desperation. Now, I understand its true meaning.
Master looked down at the hem of his robe and said in a low voice, "Xiao Mo, you're all grown up now. You can't keep fooling around with your senior brothers. It's fine within the Xiaoyao Sect, but if word gets out or someone sees it, your reputation will suffer. Men and women shouldn't touch each other. Given what you and Jiang Chen did just now, if outsiders saw it, the only way to silence gossip would be to get married."
I was startled and quickly said, "Master, I was just sparring with him." I accidentally touched his neck during the sparring, and the consequences were so serious?
Master coughed awkwardly twice and said, "Little Mo, what kind of behavior is this, touching your face and neck during a sparring match?" As he spoke, his face turned a little red, as if he were the one being touched. I was speechless.
"Well, I don't really understand girls' feelings. You like Yunzhou today and Jiang Chen tomorrow. You can't be so fickle. If you continue to flirt with Jiang Chen, I, your master, will have to stand up for him."
I'm a womanizer? I flirted with Jiang Chen! I felt like I'd choked on a piece of stinky tofu, and after a long while I said aggrievedly, "Master, I didn't do anything."
"You've already touched him and looked at him, what more do you want?" My master glanced at me, then walked away, his face flushed with embarrassment.
I was also very embarrassed. It was really too much for my master, a man, to confide in me like this. But he really didn't understand my feelings at all. How could I be unfaithful? I stayed in my room, trying to analyze and investigate Yunzhou's behavior today.
The result of my overthinking was that my already disheartened heart was rekindled.
What if, what if he's jealous? What if, what if he likes me even a little bit?
I endured this agonizing, conflicted, and doubtful state until noon, when for the first time in my life I decided to be brave and test his feelings. If things didn't turn out this way, I would have given up completely and become a devoted matchmaker.
I chose a very safe and discreet method.
I ran into the bamboo forest, cut down a big bamboo, and then divided it into fifteen sections, making fifteen cups.
I used the small dagger Yunzhou gave me to carve a line of poetry on one of the cups: "Wine enters the sorrowful heart, turning into tears of longing." On the other bamboo cups, I just randomly carved things like "The Peach Blossom Pool is a thousand feet deep, but it cannot compare to Wang Lun's affection for me," and "Year after year the flowers are similar, but year after year the people are different."
I plan to give that cup filled with tears of longing to Yunzhou, and then ask him a question.
I spent the whole afternoon cheering myself up, and I ate a really big dinner. Finally, as dusk was about to melt into the night, I took my cup and, with a sigh, went to my lodging in Yunzhou.
He was standing at the table, brush in hand, painting. The azaleas outside the window were a vibrant red, and a sheet of Xuan paper lay on the table, weighted down by a small jade Pixiu. He was painting; in fact, in my eyes, he had already become part of the painting.
I stepped forward and mustered my courage to say, "Brother, you all gave me gifts for my birthday. I... I'd like to give you all a gift in return."
He put down his pen and turned to look at me.
His gaze was as clear as a deep spring, pure and sharp. When I met his eyes, I felt a pang of shame, and stammered out the sentence I'd been holding back all afternoon: "I'll give you my whole life, what do you think?"
As I said that, I threw "a lifetime" forward and went all in.
At this moment, time seemed to stretch out infinitely. He was only an arm's length away from me, yet it felt like we were separated by thousands of mountains and rivers. My heart pounded as if a roc were spreading its wings for ninety thousand miles, or as if the Milky Way were falling from the heavens.
He silently took the cup from my hand, examined it carefully for a moment, and said in a low voice, "This cup is really nice. You have very skillful hands."
Just a casual remark? Without even a flicker of the eye?
The flush on my face vanished instantly. I stared at him blankly, my hands felt empty, and my heart felt even more desolate, as if it had plummeted to a bottom.
He looked up at me, paused, and said, "Xiao Mo, did you give this cup to each of your senior brothers?"
I listlessly hummed in agreement. It seems that keeping a backup plan was the right thing to do. If the test fails, I can still use the excuse that the other senior brothers also gave me cups, and cover up the matter quietly.
He said "oh," twirled the cup in his hand, and then placed it on the table.
I let out a long sigh, and all my strength, courage, and hope seemed to vanish into thin air with that breath.
I stared at the "a lifetime" on the table, utterly disappointed. Suddenly, I realized I'd made a mistake in my nervousness, grabbing the wrong one instead of "tears of longing" (a gift from Wang Lun to Li Bai). But I'd made it so obvious, deliberately saying "a lifetime" instead of "a cup"—how could he not have noticed? He's such an incredibly intelligent person.
He pretended not to understand, brushing the words aside with ease, like a withered leaf being swept up by an unsuitable autumn breeze.
I've completely given up hope. He truly had no feelings for me. My blatant confession, the first time in my life I'd done something so impulsive and reckless, has vanished just like that.
Alas, spring has passed like fallen petals carried away by flowing water, a world apart. I left his room dejectedly, carelessly gave the remaining cups to my fellow students, and then went to sleep.
After sleeping with him, I reflected deeply and finally came to my senses. Only a fairy-like girl is worthy of him. I have some self-awareness; I should just play matchmaker. You see, in those plays, there's only one lady; most of the roles are played by minor characters.
Liking someone doesn't necessarily mean being with them. Seeing them happy and fulfilled is a kind of happiness too. If they are happy in the future and occasionally think of me as their matchmaker when they look at their beautiful wife, then I will be content. That's the only way I can comfort myself. I think I should comfort myself twenty times a day until I feel numb, because when I practice, my legs go numb and I don't feel the pain anymore.
I sat there in a daze. It was completely dark, but I didn't want to turn on the light. My heart felt empty, like a hollowed-out bamboo cup.
He only accepted one cup, but what I wanted to give him was a lifetime. Sigh.
The little purse came in from outside and was startled to see me sitting in the dark room.
I sighed and said dejectedly, "Let's save some lamp oil, since no one's watching me anyway."
“Who says no one looks at you? I look at you every day. The more I look at you, the more beautiful you seem, Miss. Every time you take a bath, I feel like a concubine emerging from her bath.”
The imperial concubine emerges from her bath! My vision went black, I felt like I wanted to die, and I asked in a trembling voice, "Little purse, have I really gotten that fat?"
The young woman quickly said, "Miss, you've misunderstood. 'The Imperial Concubine emerging from her bath' only refers to your fair and radiant skin, not that you're fat. Miss's figure is perfectly proportioned, slender in the right places and curvaceous in the right places—very graceful and beautiful." As she spoke, she swallowed hard.
My desire to die has slowly come back to life.
As she spoke, Xiao Hebao stared enviously at the bulge in my chest, and I quickly crossed my arms to cover it. This girl, how come she's not reserved at all? She's definitely been in the Xiaoyao Sect for too long; she's become quite bold and unrestrained.
The little purse continued, "Miss, you are actually very beautiful, but the robe you are wearing is really unattractive. Clothes make the man, and so should you try on some of those clothes?"
I know she was referring to the few pieces of clothing that were delivered in the bundle. They were indeed made of fine material and had beautiful colors, but I never wear them. In previous years, I gave them to Xiao Hebao, and this year, I haven't had a chance to give them to her yet.
I've always believed that if someone doesn't like you, they won't even glance at you, no matter how beautifully you dress. In other words, if someone likes you because you're well-dressed, they might not truly like you. Therefore, I never pay attention to my clothing and always dress similarly to my senior classmates. When I go out at night, I'm generally indistinguishable from other people.
The little purse swayed her hips and said, "Miss, why don't you try it on? Just try it on and then take it off, okay?"
I was in a bad mood, feeling listless and unwilling to talk or move. Seeing that I wasn't saying anything, Xiao Hebao happily ran over to help me change my clothes.