On the screen, Joey Yung blinked her big eyes and began to open her mouth. Subtitles flashed on the screen: When I was still an ignorant girl, I didn't understand love when I met it, from the past to the present... This is Baozi's favorite song. Seeing that Li Shishi was just opening her mouth without making a sound, she continued to sing: "Until he also left, leaving me to wander in the sea of clouds, I realized that no one can replace the trust he once gave me."
I grabbed the microphone, ignoring what song was playing on the screen, and sang at the top of my lungs: "Friends, oh friends, please leave me—leave me!"
Baozi stood up and offered Xiang Yu her seat, then tugged at me as she left. I tossed the microphone to Liu Bang and followed her out. I said first, "I just remembered, why aren't you at work?"
"I called and switched places with someone—Qiangzi, you're acting strange today! I've never seen you act like this before when friends come over, no matter how much they eat or take. To be honest, are you afraid I'll be unhappy?"
"What do you mean?"
"With so many people coming to my house all at once, of course I get annoyed sometimes. But aren't you afraid of hurting people's feelings by constantly telling them to leave (a practice first coined by Qin Shi Huang)? If you don't have enough money, I'll make up some for you. After all, we've come to rely on you. If we're going to stay for a while, we'll stay for a while. Don't give people that attitude."
My daughter is so wonderful! I really want to shout "Long live her!" or something, but I'm afraid of stirring up some people's secrets. Baozi said confidently, "Is 2000 enough?" Apparently, she does have some secret savings.
I so wanted to tell her that in another month, the "Uncle Yue Family Army" she knew from comic books when she was a child would come to eat and drink with us; Dai Zong, who ran faster than Liu Xiang and had more endurance than a donkey, and Shi Jin, who was good at tattooing, would settle down in Shajiabang with the rest of his 52 brothers.
Oh, poor, yet happy Baozi, she doesn't know that someone... uh, God is forcing her future man to become a millionaire.
How can I raise some initial capital?
If I sold the two most valuable things in this house, I could buy half the city. The third most valuable thing is that pile of empty wine bottles in the corner…
Inside the room, Liu Bang had already mastered the microphone, and all you could hear was him belting out his signature song at the top of his lungs: "The wind rises, the clouds fly high; my might extends throughout the land, I return to my homeland!"...
Chapter Nineteen: The Qin Dynasty
Then there was silence inside. I pushed open the door and saw Li Shishi holding a book on home appliance repair, referring to it. She had already put a disc into the DVD player. On the screen, a busty Japanese woman in a nurse's uniform was posing seductively at everyone in the room. The subtitles read: "Japanese actress so-and-so." Then, a man in underwear suddenly and forcefully pressed down on her, his hands kneading her breasts into unpredictable shapes. She let out a soft moan, unable to control herself.
Liu Bang chuckled upon seeing this: "This is interesting!"
I rushed over and blocked the TV. Li Shishi blushed and hid to the side. Liu Bang waved his hand at me and said, "Get out of the way!"
Then I heard that guy loudly moaning, "Yama dei, ee-gu ee-gu—" This was a simplified version of the video, with no foreplay and they went straight to the point.
Baozi came over and simply pushed the disc back, saying quite naturally, "You can watch this after the two of us women are gone."
Liu Bang: "Then you all go out first..."
Qin Shi Huang: "Hey, back then it was just you and Qiangzi..."
These words immediately stunned the entire audience, and even Ersha chuckled lewdly at me several times.
Baozi was used to similar jokes and said dismissively, "I don't believe you and your sister-in-law haven't watched porn or something."
Aside from this instance, whether Qin Shi Huang actually watched pornography is unrecorded in history and cannot be verified.
That night, we naturally split into three groups: Baozi and Li Shishi, Liu Bang and Jing Ke, and Xiang Yu, Qin Shi Huang, and I slept in the old warehouse.
Jing Ke answered every question Liu Bang asked, even though the underlying principles were all wrong and there was only one way to do them, but the methods were correct. If he couldn't answer, he would say, "This is the realm of immortals; you wouldn't understand even if I explained."
Compared to Liu Bang, Xiang Yu actually wronged Qin Shi Huang even more. Back then, this hothead seized Qin Shi Huang's empire, killing or burning all old people and things, and even digging up the graves of Qin Shi Huang's childless descendants. Without Yu Ji by his side, it's hard to say whether he would have knocked on the door of Qin Shi Huang's widow.
Now that he realized Ying Pangzi was a kind person, he probably felt guilty. Ying Pangzi even wanted to let him sleep in the bed, but then realized that if Xiang Yu wanted to sleep in the bed, his head and feet would have to be off the ground, so he gave up. The two chatted about the Qin Dynasty. Qin Shi Huang had heard of Xiang Yu's grandfather, Xiang Yan, and they also talked about the so-called beauties of Chen and Cai, summarizing the lessons learned from the tripartite division of Jin, reminiscing about the past, a time of great turmoil. However, Qin Shi Huang never really asked what Xiang Yu actually did.
Although I had drunk a little, I didn't sleep well; that nightmare of 300+54 tormented me all night. In my despair, I even dreamt that an old man from Hong Kong excitedly grabbed my hand and said: "Child, you are actually my illegitimate son. My name is Li Jiacheng..."
I woke up late the next day. Baozi had already left—she had to work a full day. I looked at my watch and it was past 11 o'clock. Xiang Yu was no longer on his extended bunk. Fatty Ying was using his MP4 to play "Spot the Difference" with one arm as a pillow.
When I went out of the room, I saw Li Shishi wearing an apron, preparing lunch. In the apron pocket was her survival manual—"Home Appliance Repair." This girl is not only well-endowed but also intelligent; she learns to turn every appliance off before turning it on. Apparently, she gets up before 8 a.m. to start fiddling with them. Luckily, she's meticulous; the gas cylinder had just been changed. They only have a year left to live, but I might not survive. By the way, next time I see Liu Laoliu, I'll ask him how many years I'll live.
Xiang Yu went for a run. Although he's a ticking time bomb regarding Yu Ji, there's no need to worry about him yet. Liu Bang got up early in the morning, and as soon as Baozi left, he pestered Li Shishi to show him that pornographic film from yesterday.
I've collected all the pornographic films because one of them features a male protagonist in a Category III film whose imagined rival is Li Shishi.
I won't go into details about what Ersha is doing.
I've discovered that none of these emperors and generals were actually fond of sleeping in. Before, when I thought of their extravagance and debauchery, the phrase "sleeping until they naturally woke up and counting money until their hands cramped" immediately came to mind. But now I think that's too naive. In reality, they were the first generation of white-collar workers who got up earlier than the rooster and worked harder than the donkey. Science has proven that less sleep actually increases libido, which explains why a large number of rulers with privileged backgrounds (the new term "owners of the means of production") were not very discreet about sex: What did King Zhou of Shang do? What did Emperor Yang of Sui do? What did Empress Wu Zetian do? What did Clinton do? Freud said…
Served by Li Shishi, I drank a bowl of congee with preserved egg and lean pork, then, with a toothpick in my mouth, I swaggered downstairs like a wealthy landlord. My door is always open; firstly, it's in a secluded spot with few strangers, and secondly, there's nothing to steal. It looks quite grand, with its leather sofa and crystal coffee table—even Xiang Yu might not have been able to take those in one go. I even paid extra attention to the art frames on the wall; the nails were hammered crookedly at the last few blows. Want to steal them? You'd have to stand on the sofa and pull them out for ages.
The most valuable thing is my laptop, which takes forever to run with two QQ accounts and one webpage open; it's locked in a cabinet. I also have a summer suit in my cabinet, all made by my boss, Mr. Hao. Once he called me, very seriously telling me to pay attention to the company's (I still don't know what kind of company he runs) image, saying that anyone not wearing formal attire during work hours would be executed. Two weeks later he came to visit, and knowing he was coming, I wore a sharp suit, sweat rippling around my neck. He laughed when he saw me and asked what I was doing. I said, "Didn't you tell me to wear this?" After talking to him for a while, he slapped his forehead: "I was drunk that day, and I mistook you for someone else."
I haven't seen him for over six months now, and to be honest, I actually miss him. If it weren't for his salary being deposited into my account on time every month, I'd even suspect he'd forgotten he had his own territory here. Old Hao must have made money. Although every time I see him he's dressed in shabby designer clothes, like a small-town entrepreneur coming to the city to collect an award, I've noticed he never wears the same clothes twice, which means he's better off than Old Pan. I estimate he earns an average of 3 to 4 million yuan a year; if he finds some good stuff, then it's unpredictable.
It suddenly occurred to me that even Lao Hao couldn't afford to support so many people.
Money! Money! How can I make 5 million a month? Have Ersha settle disputes for people, have Li Shishi work as a prostitute, have Qin Shihuang run a street stall, or have Liu Bang run a pyramid scheme? If Xiang Yu did nothing, I would definitely be resented and kept as a bodyguard (would you still read this if I wrote it like this)?
Just then, a very capable-looking man walked in carrying a box. He glanced at me and asked in a suspicious tone, "Are you the owner here?"
I asked, chewing on a toothpick, "What is it?" I was annoyed by his condescending attitude.
The man gently placed the box on the table, took out a business card and handed it to me. I took it without even looking at it and put it in my pocket. He said impatiently, "My surname is Chen. I'm here for this. Take a look at the goods."
She opened the box, revealing a strange white vase nestled within the satin embroidery. If it weren't for the neck being much longer than the base, it would be impossible to tell which side was up and which was down. Aside from the unusual base, it was essentially identical to a regular vase.
"This is……"
"This is an antique. Now, I'd like you to give me a price, and then we'll discuss whether it's a good deal or not."
Seeing how calmly this man surnamed Chen was behaving, I became even more suspicious. I took out my phone and called Lao Pan. The man surnamed Chen said, "I can tell you first, this is an antique from the time of Emperor Huizong of Song..."
I nodded perfunctorily, and Lao Pan's ringtone rang: The first snow of 2002...
I paused for a moment, realizing what she meant, and asked, "When did you say?"
"During the reign of Emperor Huizong of Song."
I immediately hung up the phone and shouted upstairs, "Cousin, come down and see if you've seen this bottle before—"