Hexerei

Kapitel 3

So it was only three days? Why does it feel like a fleeting moment, yet also like an entire lifetime? Time always seems too short, never enough. But it was only three days after all. How can three days possibly compensate for thirty years of wasted time and suffering? Ah Zi, we've wasted so many years.

Azi simply smiled silently, displaying such gentleness and chastity. No matter how unbearable the past, she seemed to have forgotten it all. She busied herself fetching spring water, carrying pine branches to brew tea and cook rice, or quietly lying beside me like a kitten under the lamp, watching me sketch her face. I thought I could finally escape the turmoil of the world and live peacefully like this.

My heart is at peace, not because of any benevolent thoughts, but simply because there is someone here.

I didn't touch any other women. I thought perhaps it would be enough to release them all back into the wild. What is the point of immortality, anyway? It's better to grow old. Let us grow old; if the earth didn't age, how could the heavens become desolate?

I haven't told her yet that I'll never use magic again. We can just live a simple life farming and weaving. Perhaps my life started off wrong; I've never understood how ordinary, honest people live. The ancients abandoned farming and weaving, and since I've never learned those, then for her sake, I'll abandon magic.

This is probably the only thing I can do.

---hqszs

Reply [17]: In the sixty-eighth year since she left, I began to search for that blue stone bridge. This was the first time in my long life of wandering that I had gone to search for a place. My first destination.

I once vowed to myself that I would never again use magic. Although I didn't have time to tell Azi this, I quickly broke my vow. Vows are easily broken.

I ultimately did not abandon the arts of magic, and continued them throughout my life. For example, my long career of creating animals. For example, I used magic to calculate the existence of this blue stone bridge, and the day I should set foot on it.

This will be the last time I use magic. It's my only ability in this life. From now on, I will completely abandon it.

That day I came to this bluestone bridge.

She sat under the lamp, fiddling with a gold thread. She extended a long fingernail and trimmed the wick. The light flickered across her face, dimming and then brightening again. She simply smiled.

Ah Zi. Do foxes also do needlework?

She didn't look at me, only focused on the thing in her hands, her smile deepening at the corners of her mouth. The fox doesn't do it. The woman does.

Do you want to be a woman?

Do you want to be a man?

I am a man.

You are a Taoist priest.

Are Taoist priests not men?

I questioned her, but she ignored me. So I held up my hand to block the light. Not going to talk? If you don't talk, I won't let you do anything.

She frowned and tried to hide. "Hey, stop it, I can't see—stop it! I'll sing you a song, okay? Don't block my view, alright?"

Can foxes sing songs?

Foxes don't. Women do.

Long, silken threads twined between her fingers, her voice equally drawn out. She sang softly: "A sky full of stars cannot compare to the moon's brightness, a flock of crows cannot rival a lone phoenix, and the person before me cannot compare to my beloved's appearance. It's hard to say he's the most handsome man in the world, but among my acquaintances, he is truly the best. My body may be with others, but my heart still longs for him."

Alright, you still want to sleep with someone else? —You little fox, I'll make you beg for mercy! —Come here, don't you dare hide!

Hey, stop—it tickles, I'm going to die laughing… Please, stop tickling me, it tickles… The lamplight flickers, creating a swaying interplay of light and shadow.

So tell me, do you still want to "spend your body with someone else"?

Even if I'm physically with someone else, I'm still thinking about him in my heart... Who is "he"? Tell me, who is "he"? Tell me and I'll let you off the hook.

You disgusting thing! [Unintelligible characters]

No, you still haven't explained it clearly... I tangled the silk thread in her hands, strand by strand, the golden thread turning into a soft cocoon. Azi frowned as she tried to unravel it, but the more she tried, the more tangled it became. Her hands trembled, and she swayed with them. Finally, she lost her balance and fell into my arms, thread and all. The candlelight flickered because of her breath.

...My nemesis. Her eyes looked up at me mistily, and she called out softly again.

The golden cocoon fell to the ground and was trampled.

We've been married for a long time. But the ten years that had passed seem to have been suddenly ripped away. I feel dazed and confused. It's like a dream. It's like our first meeting, hand in hand, the first spring breeze that sealed our joyous bond.

I held her jade-like body in my arms. I loosened her belt, afraid that too much force would hurt her, and too little would make this dream slip away in an instant. I had been intimate with her my whole life, a man and a woman for a lifetime, but I had never felt such confusion... For the first time, I didn't want to exploit her, I only wanted to give... I was afraid I was going to get drunk. My breaths gradually rose into a melody of climax.

Suddenly, a cold, sharp sensation, like a blade, pierced straight into my stomach.

---hqszs

Reply [18]: Do you want to be a woman?

Do you want to be a man?

I am a man.

You are a Taoist priest.

Are Taoist priests not men?

I questioned her, but she ignored me. So I held up my hand to block the light. Not going to talk? If you don't talk, I won't let you do anything.

She frowned and tried to hide. "Hey, stop it, I can't see—stop it! I'll sing you a song, okay? Don't block my view, alright?"

Can foxes sing songs?

Foxes don't. Women do.

Long, silken threads twined between her fingers, her voice equally drawn out. She sang softly: "A sky full of stars cannot compare to the moon's brightness, a flock of crows cannot rival a lone phoenix, and the person before me cannot compare to my beloved's appearance. It's hard to say he's the most handsome man in the world, but among my acquaintances, he is truly the best. My body may be with others, but my heart still longs for him."

Alright, you still want to sleep with someone else? —You little fox, I'll make you beg for mercy! —Come here, don't you dare hide!

Hey, stop—it tickles, I'm going to die laughing… Please, stop tickling me, it tickles… The lamplight flickers, creating a swaying interplay of light and shadow.

So tell me, do you still want to "spend your body with someone else"?

Even if I'm physically with someone else, I'm still thinking about him in my heart... Who is "he"? Tell me, who is "he"? Tell me and I'll let you off the hook.

You disgusting thing! [Unintelligible characters]

No, you still haven't explained it clearly... I tangled the silk thread in her hands, strand by strand, the golden thread turning into a soft cocoon. Azi frowned as she tried to unravel it, but the more she tried, the more tangled it became. Her hands trembled, and she swayed with them. Finally, she lost her balance and fell into my arms, thread and all. The candlelight flickered because of her breath.

...My nemesis. Her eyes looked up at me mistily, and she called out softly again.

The golden cocoon fell to the ground and was trampled.

We've been married for a long time. But the ten years that had passed seem to have been suddenly ripped away. I feel dazed and confused. It's like a dream. It's like our first meeting, hand in hand, the first spring breeze that sealed our joyous bond.

I held her jade-like body in my arms. I loosened her belt, afraid that too much force would hurt her, and too little would make this dream slip away in an instant. I had been intimate with her my whole life, a man and a woman for a lifetime, but I had never felt such confusion... For the first time, I didn't want to exploit her, I only wanted to give... I was afraid I was going to get drunk. My breaths gradually rose into a melody of climax.

Suddenly, a cold, sharp sensation, like a blade, pierced straight into my stomach.

Without any warning, I felt completely empty. A blanket of darkness descended, and in an instant, everything vanished.

Seven days later, I found her in another city.

When I saw Azi, she was in a boy's bed.

I thought I was going to die. That day, in my most intoxicated moment, a tremendous suction force arose from her womb, perhaps the culmination of a lifetime's cultivation. A single, devastating blow. A desperate gamble, a fight to the death. My vital energy could no longer be held back; it surged forth with overwhelming force. I fainted.

When he woke up, the person had disappeared.

Until that moment, I was never on guard. I never even thought of being on guard.

When the seal was broken, I knew her thousand lies… Her vows were as easily tarnished and dried as blood spilled from her body. I knew this fickle beast was untrustworthy. I knew that what was meant by "never betraying" was nothing more than a fleeting, irreversible change.

She wasn't the one who lied to me. It was just me.

All because of one word: willingness.

When Azi saw me, she showed no panic. She calmly stood up from the boy's arms, her eyes still gleaming with that faint, mocking light I had known for years. Such bright eyes. So serene. Those eyes I had once so hated, eyes that seemed to know everything, to control beginning and end. I think she knew, just as I did, that in the end, she could only face beginning and end, and the final outcome, with such eyes. I had searched for her for seven days and seven nights. At this moment, I could finally face her innocent face without trembling. Those lips, as pure as a flower, holding a thousand lies.

Ah Zi. I've finally found you.

She nodded. I knew this day would come. You would find me. It's been slower than I expected.

Azi looked at me mockingly, but eventually, the light in her eyes faded. Her contempt was no longer directed at anyone. Suddenly, I felt I had a thousand words to say, yet not a single one could be uttered. In this numb and blind pursuit of immortality, she had given me only three days, and then she herself turned them into a deception. I was wrong. Three days are ultimately just three days; they can't compare to ten years, thirty years, or a lifetime. A lifetime of sin. At my age, it was nothing more than a childish and laughable dream. But I still believe in the woman before me; she is the only one in the world who understands the loneliness of my white hair and youthful face… my Azi.

---hqszs

Reply [19]: Ah Zi, it turns out that you will eventually have to give your body to someone else.

She didn't argue. She just smiled slightly at me. Suddenly, with a swift movement, blood spurted from the throat of the handsome young man who had just been so intimate with her, like fireworks that, before extinguishing, caused him to fall.

He didn't even have time to feel fear. In the final stillness, his expression was simply that adorable, bewildered surprise.

Azi looked at me calmly.

Xu Xingzhi, do you think I've ever cared about any of these men in my life?

She said.

Standing on the stone bridge, I looked up at the sky, which gradually darkened. The sunlight faded away bit by bit. Dusk had fallen again, and the western sky was piled high with brilliant five-colored clouds.

People say the sunset marks the end of the world. It turns out that in this life, I will ultimately watch the sunset alone.

It turns out that even when you look to the ends of the earth, you really can never see home.

I watched the afterglow spread magnificently across the sky, like a lingering hangover. I felt tired, yet comforted to be able to stand on the bridge watching the sunset, no longer needing to wander. The seemingly ageless me, after all, is truly very, very old.

I don't want things to change anymore. I don't want any more changes to disrupt this moment of reunion. I can't remember how long ago I said this, or to whom.

When people get old, all they want is to stay still. To let everything stay still.

Ah Zi, come back with me. I'll take you back.

She stood beside the boy's corpse, shaking her head with a faint smile. "You still don't understand. If I were willing to go back with you, I wouldn't have left you."

Ah Zi, the fox doesn't sew, you do. The fox can't sing, you sing. You are my woman, please come back with me.

Her gaze was both enigmatic and innocent. So innocent that it made one forget everything else. The innocent Azi looked at me with clear, bright eyes. She said, "Xu Xingzhi, you've always known. I wasn't originally human. I never will be."

I'm just a beast, you know. No beast can bear to lose its freedom. I've endured it for thirty years. Everything I've done has been for my freedom. All for myself.

"Xu Xingzhi, stop lying to yourself," Azi whispered. "I really am just a wild beast."

Then I heard a man's voice say, "Azi, let's start over." It was a man's voice. Not a Taoist priest. Not a Taoist priest who never ages. In that instant, my long life was suddenly choked by all the fleeting years. Yet, she seemed to have guessed what I was thinking.

Xu Xingzhi, that's impossible. Three days is already very merciful. She smiled. Lives like ours, burdened with sin, are not allowed to start over. I've said before that nothing in this world comes without a price.

There's something in this world called retribution, and I've never forgotten it. Look. It's here. Yours. Mine. Ours.

Justice will eventually prevail.

I said to her, "Azi, do you remember your vow? You said you would never break it. You can't go back on your word."

You must never forget this.

She nodded. I remember. I only hope you will fulfill my vow for me.

Completely realized. Azi closed her eyes.

---hqszs

Reply [20]: At that time, the sunset was like gilding peeling off, and the underlying color of any beautiful day was pitch black. A bright light emerged from the dark clouds, as if something that had been sleeping had suddenly opened its eyes.