But I cannot ask you to share this sin with me, nor can I allow you, innocent and naive, to fall into the deepest hell because of me.
I gave up my own obsession precisely because of yours.
Do not weep for me, for I will leave this place and follow the path of the holy monk's westward journey, driven by a burning desire to cleanse my sins, to see the homeland of my ancestors, to walk the path the holy monk once walked, to see the ancient Buddhist sites in India and India, and to seek a laughable hope.
I long to meet you again in the next life, no longer clinging to this broken body.
I have given you everything that is most important to me, but I hope you will never discover it. My sincerity and my preciousness should have been ordinary things to you, or perhaps things you would occasionally and inadvertently discard. I have given myself to you for life.
Yu Yichen
Du Yu read it through once, then read it carefully again. He sat silently in the dim light, his hands supporting his forehead, until midnight before finally looking up. He unfolded the letter, removed the lampshade, and lit it. His thick eyebrows, high nose, and the corners of his mouth were pressed into a hard line as he silently watched the beautiful yet imposing, slender yet rounded characters turn to ashes and be swallowed by the firelight.
The canal was often littered with the bodies of those who had fallen in or been assassinated. Du Wu had his men search the canal along its banks again and again, but they couldn't find the body. Why was the court so stable? He then falsely accused someone of being Yu Yichen and hastily buried him. Du Yu was naturally overjoyed. When he got home, he murmured about it to Zhen Shu, but Zhen Shu didn't even look up: "I know."
“But…” Just as Du Yu finally breathed a sigh of relief, Zhen Shu raised her head and stared at him: “I am with you now only for the sake of the child in my womb, and I will never consummate our marriage. If Miss Dou Mingluan is willing, then you should marry her.”
Du Yu slammed his fist on the table in anger: "If Yu Yichen were alive, I would have agreed to let you go with him because you love him, and I would have granted your wish. But he is dead now, as dead as can be. Are you still going to remain chaste for that eunuch? Don't you think that's ridiculous?"
Zhenshu spat out the word "get lost" through gritted teeth, but couldn't help asking, "Is the court peaceful now that he's dead? Is there peace under heaven now? Will everyone have a good life now? Aren't we still fighting and squabbling? Aren't eunuchs human? Why do you always insult him like this?"
Du Yu slumped down, feeling breathless for the first time after being refuted by Zhen Shu.
Zhen Shu shed tears for the first time since Yu Yichen's death, and once the tears rolled down her cheeks, she couldn't stop them: "Although he was a eunuch, he was still a person, a man, a man who stood tall and upright. My life is the same as his life. I am his eyes, his consciousness. As long as I live, we live together."
Du Yu was so angry he choked on his breath. After a long silence, he looked up, sighed, closed his eyes, and replied, "Fine! You keep yours, and I'll marry mine."
When he returned to the capital, he had already revisited the marriage proposal with Dou Mingluan. If he hadn't found Zhenshu later, he would probably already have a child with Dou Mingluan by now. Although he had deceived her first in the Wuling Mountains, after returning to the capital and learning that she was still alive, Du Yu felt that he had done a lot for Zhenshu. He had endured the ridicule of the whole city for her sake, and he had almost driven his father, Du Wu, half to death for her.
He could disregard her past with that eunuch and endure the ridicule of the entire capital.
But Zhen Shu's earlier statement about never consummating their marriage had thoroughly enraged Du Yu. He was a respectable man, standing upright between heaven and earth, and he had a child in her womb. All of this was less than what a eunuch could offer. If it weren't for the forbearance he had accumulated through years of suffering, Du Yu would have been so angry that he would have smashed the entire house to pieces.
Upon returning home, he married Dou Mingluan, and they consummated their marriage that very night.
In May of that year, Zhen Shu gave birth to a round and chubby baby boy. She was still slender before giving birth, and her belly was not particularly large, but the baby she gave birth to was very robust.
Since Du Wu had gone to great lengths to eliminate the powerful eunuch Yu Yichen, and since Prince Ping refused to appear in Liangzhou, he began to rightfully assume regency.
When Du Yu held a 100-day celebration for his son Xiaoyu, he wanted to show off that his son was more obedient and handsome than his father's son. In early August, he brought Xiaoyu, who was only wearing a bib and had his bottom bare, to Du Wu. Xiaoyu had thick legs and was strong all over, and his cries were louder than those of other children.
Seeing that his son had gradually mellowed his former unruly and wild nature, and now looked quite grown-up in his official robes, Du Wu realized that although he lacked the maturity of his own youth, he was still a handsome and dashing young man. Not wanting to refuse his son's kindness, Du Wu took the boy and pretended to hold him in his arms. However, upon seeing an old man with a beard, the little boy kicked his legs, grabbed his grandfather's beard, and refused to let go. Naturally, a large entourage followed Du Wu, and the numerous civil and military officials were terrified by this fearless young man. Du Wu, however, laughed heartily, holding the little boy, "Truly my grandson, Du Wu! He has guts!"
Since he said so, everyone naturally echoed and praised him, saying that the child had a full forehead and a square jaw, and that his future was limitless.
Du Wu held the child and smiled faintly, "With a grandfather like me, how bad can he be?"
People often say "youngest son, eldest grandson." This means that in a person's life, among many children and grandchildren, the youngest son and the eldest grandson are the most beloved. Du Wu and Du Yu were at odds throughout their lives, but Du Wu fell in love with this chubby eldest grandson at first sight.
Since Zhenshu now lives alone in Chuanzi Lane, Du Yu coaxed her relentlessly, finally getting her to agree to move into the Duke's Mansion by promising to take her to Liangzhou in the future.
After entering the Duke's mansion, since Dou Mingluan was the principal wife and she was unwilling to be a concubine, she could only live alone in a small courtyard with Xiaoyu, without any official status.
Du Wu loved Xiaoyu so much that he would bring it with him when he went home to his study to discuss important matters with his court officials. Xiaoyu developed a bad habit of climbing, stomping, and pulling people's beards. Du Wu not only didn't mind, but he would also encourage Xiaoyu to pull the beards of those ministers.
He was too strict in disciplining his son, but he spoiled his grandson without limit.
Zhenshu had been feeling stifled and often sighed while staying in the Duke's mansion for over a year, and Du Yu felt the same way. The two would occasionally meet, and seeing their son becoming increasingly unruly, they would both frown in worry. Just then, the Tartars approached the Liangzhou area, and Du Yu, unable to resist Zhenshu's urging, brought up the matter of returning to Liangzhou again.
Du Wu initially refused, but he couldn't stand his son's constant chatter. Coincidentally, Yang Shi, in her late thirties and early thirties, was pregnant again and wanted Du Wu to spare some of his affection. She also spoke highly of Du Yu, and Du Wu had no choice but to sigh and let go, telling his son to return to Liangzhou.
Now is not the time to ask him to choose between loyalty to the emperor and loyalty to his father. After all, he is his son, born of his own blood, and there is no fear that he might turn against him in the future.
Although Dou Mingluan and Du Yu had been living a harmonious life together for over a year, they still had no children. Therefore, when Du Yu left, he had a wife, a concubine, and a big, chubby boy, which was the envy of everyone.
On the day they were packing, one-year-old Du Xiaoyu found a wooden hairpin somewhere and started chewing on it. Zhenshu saw him drooling and snatched it from his hands, saying, "What is this? Aren't you disgusted?"
The wet nurse tried to defend herself, saying, "It looks clean and tidy, and besides, the eldest young master was making a big fuss, so I didn't dare to take it from him."
Zhenshu advised the wet nurse, "This thing is originally a headdress. Not only is it dirty, but it would be dangerous if he fell and injured himself while running. Never give it to him again."
The nanny reluctantly agreed and carried Du Xiaoyu out of the house.
Zhenshu sat on the ground, stroking the hairpin. Upon closer inspection, she noticed a crack at the end. At first, she thought it was from a child biting it, but after fiddling with it, she realized the end was a spiral. She twisted it until it opened. Because of its exquisite craftsmanship, and because she hadn't touched it since parting ways with Yu Yichen more than two years ago, she hadn't noticed it until now.
She unscrewed the hairpin and pulled out a tightly rolled, thin piece of leather. Unfolding it, she saw a topographical map drawn on it. Although the writing was in a foreign language she couldn't decipher, she could vaguely guess what it was. Tucked inside the leather was a piece of paper. Zhenshu covered her lips and unfolded it to read:
Zhenshu, my little shopkeeper
I don't want you to discover this secret, but I'm also afraid you will eventually find out, so I have to leave you a message.
This is what I obtained in exchange for the scorched earth of Huixian County—the last remnant of my ancestral lineage.
If you find out which one you wish to give it to, it is entirely up to you.
I still hope that you will accidentally drop this hairpin, just like my heart that loves you deeply but never needs a response, and should be let down.
☆、128|Hairpin
Zhenshu sat on the ground, dumbfounded, just like the day she found that dark gray robe with silver floral decorations in Yu Yichen's bedroom. She couldn't stand up for a long, long time.
It turned out that while she kept asking about the gold mine map, it had been tucked into her hair until she finally threw it back at him. Even when she said, "I don't want you anymore."
He still held her hand, wanting her to take the hairpin with her.
He said, "This is the most precious thing I'm giving you, heavier than my heart. Even if you don't want to marry me, you must wear it."
He added, "Even if you don't want to marry me, you must wear this hairpin. You promised me that once you put it on, you wouldn't take it off."
Even when she became pregnant and he decided to prepare her dowry, the hairpin was still on top of the thick stack of silver notes and house deeds. This unassuming ebony hairpin was indeed his most important possession, heavier than his true feelings and love.
He was always willing to give it to her and hoped she would wear it.
Zhenshu sat holding the hairpin for a long time until it was completely dark before she started feeding Du Xiaoyu and coaxing him to bed.
She took the hairpin to Liangzhou, and about two years later, Du Xiaoyu somehow found it again. This time, he no longer used it as a chew toy, but instead used it as a hoe, digging in the garden all day. Zhenshu was afraid that he would break the hairpin or that Du Yu would discover the secret, so after much thought, she decided to donate it to a temple.
With this in mind, Zhenshu called over a local mother who helped out in the kitchen and asked, "Are there any popular temples in our Liangzhou city?"
The old woman covered her mouth and laughed, "My lady, you don't know? Ever since General Du came, wandering Taoist priests and alms-begging monks now have to report at the city gate when they leave or enter the city. They are not allowed to wander around and beg for alms. There used to be a White Pagoda Temple in the city, but he insisted on moving it outside the city."
Zhenshu was somewhat surprised, thinking to herself, "Why is Du Yu meddling in the affairs of monks?" She then asked, "They need to beg for alms to make a living. If they aren't allowed into the city, where will they find a way to survive?"
The old woman said, "I heard that General Du paid out of his own pocket to send them away at the city gate."
After arriving in Liangzhou, she separated from Du Yu and Dou Mingluan and lived alone in her own residence. In the evening, after Du Yu returned home, Zhenshu ignored the cold face of Dou Mingluan, who was already heavily pregnant, and chased after him to his residence to ask questions. Du Yu was a little annoyed, but he patiently explained, "Monks and Taoists are never good. They are good men who do nothing but seek useless things. I am very annoyed by them, so I don't let them into the city. Out of sight, out of mind."
Zhen Shu said, "You've probably read too many useless erotic books. You always think that all men are like you, who, upon seeing a woman, wish they had two invisible hands to strip her naked and see everything. There are bad monks and Taoists too, but they are always exceptions. Most of them are proper monks and Taoists. It's really despicable of you to judge them by your own standards."
Du Yu was most afraid that Zhen Shu would bring this up, and also afraid that Dou Mingluan would hear it and the two of them would have another argument. He hurriedly defended himself, saying, "Please don't talk nonsense. I am the most upright person I can be."
Zhen Shu said, "Seriously, I want to find a temple to burn incense. I was thinking of asking you to take the children out for a day trip. If you are tired of monks and Taoists and don't want to go, I will take Xiao Yu with me on the 15th."
Although Du Yu and Zhen Shu had become strangers, the child was still his own. Since arriving in Liangzhou, Dou Mingluan was constantly jealous and wouldn't allow him to go, and Zhen Shu didn't like to invite him to her residence. He rarely saw Xiaoyu. This time, she was willing to let him take the child out with him, so he was naturally very happy. He quickly said, "It's no trouble at all. I really enjoy chatting with those old bald monks about Buddhism. If you don't mind, let's go together."
It was still more than ten miles from Liangzhou City to Baita Temple. On the fifteenth, Du Yuzhen, along with his son Xiaoyu, and the whole family dressed simply, walked on foot. Outside the city, the endless military farmland was filled with millet and sorghum that were about to ripen. On both sides of the road were tall poplar trees that reached into the clouds. The irrigation ditches under the trees gurgled with water, and occasionally loaches swam by, which made Xiaoyu want to squat down and catch them. Before they had gone halfway, all the new clothes he had changed into that morning were wet, and even his shoes were soaked.
Du Yu, unable to bear it any longer, picked up his son, hoisted him onto his shoulder, and slapped his bottom twice, saying, "Your mother can't sew at all. She poked so many holes in her hands while making these shoes, and you don't even know how to cherish them."
Despite her young age, Du Xiaoyu was precocious. She cried out in anguish, "Put me down! You have your own family and wife. You don't want us anymore, so why are you still bothering with me? I don't love you."
Du Yu grabbed his son's buttocks with both hands and said, "I am your father. Even if you don't love me, I will still beat you. You deserve to be beaten for wasting her things."
Zhenshu followed behind, looking up at her son with a slight smile. Although she felt reluctant, she knew that this child needed his father's strict discipline to be properly managed.
Seeing the white pagoda of Baita Temple close at hand, Zhenshu finally made an excuse to ask Du Yu for help. Just then, she found a pavilion by the roadside where people could rest and cool off. She pretended her feet hurt and went inside to sit down. She took out the hairpin and handed it to Du Yu, saying, “Yu Yichen’s death was entirely my fault. Though my sins are grave, there is no way to atone for them. This is the only thing I’ve kept thinking about all these years. Lately, my child has been taking it out to play with, and I’m afraid the little fish will break it. Please take it to the temple, or place it before the Buddha. If there are no taboos, please ask the abbot and the head monks of the temple to burn it before the Buddha.”
Du Yu naturally recognized the hairpin. When he was on duty at the Censorate, Yu Yichen always wore this hairpin, no matter what his attire was. When Zhenshu returned home from the canal, she had this hairpin in her hair, but he later took it off and hid it. Who knew that Xiaoyu would find it later.
Seeing that Zhenshu was going to entrust this thing to the Buddha, he was secretly pleased and thought: I'm afraid she will really forget that eunuch from now on and be willing to come back and live a good life with me!
He pulled Xiaoyu forward and saw Zhenshu still sitting in the pavilion in the distance. The wind brushed her face and she was still the same as the one that had moved him back then. His heart was full of joy. He hadn't gone far before he started to miss her and was eager to get back to her side. He grabbed his son on his shoulder and ran wildly on the wide road with poplar trees on both sides.
Zhenshu sat in the pavilion, smiling as she watched them walk away. But as they turned into the roadside near the White Pagoda Temple, her expression instantly darkened. She still shaded her eyes with her hand and gazed into the distance.
Du Yu brought Xiao Yu to the temple. After offering incense and praying in the main hall and burning incense in various places, he asked the monk who was striking the chime, "Master, is the abbot here?"
The one striking the chime was a fat monk, who smiled and nodded, saying, "Here."
Du Yu took out a hairpin from his bosom and showed it to him, saying, "This is something from my wife's family. We wish to offer it before the Buddha, or, if there are no taboos, burn it here. Would you mind informing the abbot?"
The fat monk took the hairpin and examined it closely for a long time. He then chuckled and said, "This humble monk finds you somewhat familiar, sir. Could you be General Du from our Liangzhou City?"
Du Yu clenched his fist and bowed, saying, "It is indeed I."
The fat monk laughed uncontrollably and gestured for him, saying, "You have been supporting our White Temple Pagoda for some time now. The abbot often calls out your name and has always instructed me that if the general comes to greet guests, I must keep you here, as he has something to say to you."
Du Yu said, "My wife is still waiting outside the temple, please hurry."
The fat monk said, "Of course, of course!"
Du Yu agreed, told him to lead him to a side hall to sit down, found a young novice monk to help him, and then ran off in a flash.
Little Yu was a mischievous child. Seeing only a young novice monk standing there, he wasn't afraid at all. He somehow ran to the outer room and started tapping the wooden fish in front of the Bodhisattva statue. Du Yu, with a look of utter disapproval, couldn't stop him. He went out and snatched the fish from his hands, but Little Yu then climbed back to the Bodhisattva statue to pick the offered flowers. Helpless, Du Yu had to restrain him by pinning his hands behind his back and drag him back to the inner room, where he remained seated, his nose inwardly focused.
He and Zhenshu rarely had such a harmonious time together. He was worried about Zhenshu's anxious waiting and also anxious about why the abbot hadn't arrived yet. Before he knew it, the little fish had darted off somewhere again. He had no choice but to go out with the young novice monk to the outer room and search from hall to hall and courtyard to courtyard. Finally, he found him running to the lotus release pond just inside the temple entrance, where he had taken off one shoe and was using it as a container to catch fish.
Enraged, Du Yu slapped the boy's bottom twice, then returned to the inner room of the side hall to wait for the abbot amidst Xiao Yu's cries and curses. After waiting for about half an hour, growing impatient, he got up to leave. Just then, the fat monk from before, accompanied by a young novice, brought in a table of vegetarian food, bowing respectfully and saying, "I am truly sorry to have kept General Du waiting. The abbot and his guests will be talking for quite some time. This humble monk has prepared a vegetarian meal for you and the young master to enjoy, is that alright?"
As the saying goes, one doesn't hit a smiling face. The fat monk was laughing heartily and then blocked the doorway with a table of vegetarian food. Du Yu frowned and said, "My wife is still waiting outside, so this vegetarian food is unnecessary. Since the abbot is too busy, I will visit another day."
The fat monk stopped Du Yu and said, "It's just a bowl of vegetarian food. It's a small token of our respect for General Du's charitable deeds over the past two years. Please eat before you go."
Du Yu had no choice but to sit back down and pick up his bowl to eat.
Little Fish, being a child, didn't like things like vegetarian chicken and mushrooms. Since her bowl of rice was already full, she picked up her chopsticks and started making things. Du Yu quickly ate his own rice and eagerly brought the bowl over, saying, "Open your mouth quickly, I'll feed you."
Little Fish knew that her mother was far away and couldn't help her, so she had to listen to her father. She opened her mouth, took a few bites, and shook her head, saying, "I'm not eating anymore."
Du Yu glared at him with the same look he'd given a chicken, and said, "If you don't eat, I'll spank you when I get out here."
Little Fish saw the fat monk standing by the door with a grin, and knew that his father wouldn't dare to hit him in front of the fat monk, so he grinned and cried, "I won't eat!"
Du Yu coaxed him into eating half a bowl of rice, then ate the remaining half himself, stood up, clasped his hands together, and said, "Farewell, I'll visit you again another day."
After saying that, he hoisted Xiaoyu onto his shoulder and ran wildly back to find Zhenshu.
☆、129|Uncle-Master
Earlier, the fat monk, carrying the hairpin, ran wildly to the last courtyard of the temple, lifted the curtain, and rushed in, panting, calling out, "Uncle-Master!"