Winter break is just around the corner. Students who are usually relaxed are starting to get busy preparing for exams. While reviewing, they are also preparing things to cheat on. It's a case of having one goal but two plans.
Hu Ni's studies had suffered considerably during this time, so she had to stay in her dormitory to review her lessons. Sitting in her now unfamiliar dormitory, she tried her best to focus on her books and clear her mind of all distractions.
Time flew by in the midst of the hustle and bustle. Exams, tests. Then vacation.
Hu Ni dislikes holidays the most, especially winter vacation. She dislikes the Spring Festival; the bustling prosperity everywhere makes her feel even more lonely and adrift.
The classmates had all left, and Xiao Wen left too, carrying a large bag of gifts for his wife and daughter. Hu Ni didn't see him off; reality didn't allow them to be exposed to the light of day. Their love could only exist in seclusion, in the darkness.
The school was unusually quiet and deserted.
Hu Ni walked alone on campus. A light drizzle continued to fall for days. Everywhere smelled musty, damp, and chilly. Hu Ni tucked her neck into her collar, pulling her coat tighter to ward off the biting wind.
She was feeling suffocated in her dorm room, and the manuscript papers spread out in front of her couldn't attract her attention. What distracted her was her pager, which hadn't rung. Xiao Wen hadn't called her since he went back.
Hu Ni walked slowly. She hadn't come out with any particular purpose; she was just trying to escape—to escape her hopeless expectations, to escape the overwhelming silence of falling petals, and to escape the drifting of life with no straw to hold onto.
She encountered almost no one along the way; the school easily became a ghost town during winter break. Hu Ni felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. She walked out of the school gate and found a public phone. She dialed Xiao Wen's cell phone number, but after dialing five digits, she lost her courage. Hanging up, Hu Ni stood there, thinking about a girl her age enjoying Xiao Wen's love, and jealousy filled her heart. She wasn't jealous of Xiao Wen's wife; she was only jealous of his daughter.
Hu Ni leaned the umbrella against the side, completely hiding herself inside the small awning of the public phone booth. She took out a cigarette, lit it against the phone, and began to smoke it slowly.
The streets, shrouded in a light drizzle, were a mix of pre-Lunar New Year bustle and quietude. Festive lanterns adorned both sides of the road, and the streets were clean and tidy, but many small shops were closed, even the usually bustling snack stalls. However, red couplets adorned the closed shop doors. People hurried about, but their faces no longer betrayed their usual haste; instead, they wore relaxed expressions, as if they had nothing to worry about, simply waiting for the New Year, leaving everything else to wait until after it was over. Most carried New Year's goods, everyone hoping for a prosperous and fulfilling holiday. Children, dressed in festive new clothes, carried beautifully crafted candies. Some even wore makeup, their cheeks flushed, lipstick applied, and a red dot on their foreheads. Their eyes, already showing off, held a hint of indifference and arrogance, though their hearts were filled with joy. Even the most dazed children beamed with delight, giggling happily. Even the children selling newspapers couldn't wait to sell out their stock, their faces showing a relaxed, almost festive expression. Amidst this joy and bustle, a beautiful, ethereal woman, her expression serene and forlorn, dressed in worn jeans and a white down jacket, her hair flowing straight over her shoulders, huddled tightly, seemingly cold. She smoked, oblivious to everyone around her, a smoking that seemed completely disconnected from her own world, coldly observing the busy yet relaxed people around her. She was detached from the world's prosperity and excitement; she was a solitary figure amidst the hustle and bustle.
Hu Ni threw the cigarette butt on the ground, stomped it out hard, then turned around and continued dialing the number. Without hesitation, she dialed the number smoothly and hung up before the call was connected.
She picked up her umbrella. The rain that had lasted for days had stopped, leaving a damp, musty smell on the street. Hu Ni walked on, aimlessly. She passed a phone booth, walked over, and dialed a number, imagining Xiao Wen at home. How his daughter would fawn over him, how affectionate she would be. Before she could finish dialing, she lost her courage. Instead, she dialed her uncle's number. It went through, but no one was home. Perhaps they were out shopping.
A minibus passed by and stopped when it saw the hesitant Hu Ni. The plump female ticket seller quickly called out in a hoarse voice, "Jiefangbei! Girl! Want to go? Jiefangbei!"
Hu Ni got into the car without much thought.
Dropped off on the outskirts of Jiefangbei by a minibus, Hu Ni walked to the pedestrian street. She realized she shouldn't have come here. The pedestrian street was already packed with people, a sea of heads, making it difficult to move. Jiefangbei, in the city center, was even more brightly decorated, a scene of bustling prosperity. Lanterns, colorful ladles, and large cartoon characters paraded through the streets, attracting many children who clung to their parents' hands, reluctant to leave. Chongqing people love to eat, and adults and children alike were mostly carrying food in their hands—various kinds of grilled skewers, already red from the chili, or ice cream and popsicles. Some even carried disposable bowls, eating as they walked, filled with various Chongqing snacks.
When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Hu Ni headed towards a snack shop on the food street, where the steamed buns were particularly exquisite. Before even reaching it, Hu Ni decided to give up. It was packed with people; to buy a single bun, she'd have to wait at least an hour. Hu Ni liked the liveliness here, even though it had nothing to do with her, it filled the entire empty world, magnificent and bustling, without a single gap.
Hu Ni's gaze was drawn to the phone booths by the roadside again. A strong urge surged within her. Hu Ni walked quickly towards the outer edge of the street, searching for a quieter phone booth. She was determined to call Xiao Wen; she didn't want to waste a single minute.
Hu Ni, panting, dialed the number and waited anxiously.
"Hello, who is this?" Xiao Wen heard a familiar voice.
"It's me." These words took all her courage and pride.
Xiao Wen's tone remained polite, as if he were speaking to an ordinary friend: "Hello, hello! Happy New Year! I've been wanting to call you to wish you a Happy New Year, but I haven't had the time..."
Xiao Wen was very polite; the television could be heard on the other end of the phone, along with the girl's occasional laughter. Hu Ni hung up, abruptly cutting off Xiao Wen's New Year's greetings.
There was a stand selling candied hawthorns nearby. Hu Ni took two coins out of her pocket and gave them to the smiling stranger. With one hand in her pocket and the other holding a candied hawthorn, she walked forward aimlessly. Water droplets fell on her face, cold and devoid of any dignity.
Walking on the familiar yet unfamiliar streets, Hu Ni was momentarily disoriented. Who was she? How did she get here? Why was she walking here? Who was she crying for? How could a woman who had nothing, a woman who didn't even know where her hometown was, stand on this street, on such a day, shedding tears for someone else's father, someone else's husband?
Sitting in her movie theater seat, Hu Ni pulled her coat tighter. There was still no heating; it was winter, and there was no escaping it. People were still arriving, bringing the chill, snacks, and the joy of relaxation. They were all in groups—families, couples, friends. Hu Ni held a bag of popcorn and a bottle of water, moved by their happiness and the richness of their family bonds. She was waiting for Xiao Wen's pager. She was sure he would send her a message, especially with the New Year approaching, and after his cold response, he would definitely call her, offering explanations and kind words. All Hu Ni wanted was a kind word: he missed her, he loved her, be good, go home, lie in your warm bed, and stop wandering around outside so late at night. Be good—Hu Ni was very willing to be good. The waiting was unbearable. Suddenly, Hu Ni wanted to resist, to stop waiting for him, to stop caring about him, that man who wasn't hers. Hu Ni turned off her pager, as if that would truly stop her thinking about him.
Huddled in the darkness, a Stephen Chow movie was playing on the screen—a story about an ordinary guy who dreams of becoming a star. Hu Ni laughed until tears streamed down her face.
After watching three consecutive screenings, Hu Ni felt numbness in her limbs as she stood up. The clattering sound of chairs overturning echoed throughout the theater, truly embodying the melancholy of the end of the performance. She was vomited out onto the street like sugarcane pulp by the crowd. It was already dark outside, but the dazzling lights illuminated the night brightly. This was a night that did not allow for darkness; today was New Year's Eve.
Hu Ni boarded a minibus. Suddenly, she longed to go home, where someone was waiting for her.
After getting off the bus, Hu Ni ran all the way, panting heavily.
Back in her dorm, she opened the only locked drawer. Inside, in a beautiful little booklet, a faded black-and-white photograph showed her mother smiling at her. "Mom, it's New Year's." Hu Ni carefully wiped away the imaginary dust from the photograph, all her restlessness settling into tranquility. Outside the window, firecrackers exploded loudly, deafeningly loud—the new year had arrived once more.
Hu Ni, who hadn't dreamt in a long time, had another dream. She was still as a child, wearing a brand-new lace-trimmed cotton-padded jacket and trousers. Her mother, also dressed beautifully, smiled and held her hand. In Hu Ni's other hand, she held several pretty balloons. A tall, blurry-faced man walked beside them, smiling. The sun was exceptionally bright, blindingly white. Hu Ni smiled, her mother smiled, and the man smiled too. He lifted Hu Ni onto his shoulders, and her mother looked up at her with a smile. Hu Ni giggled. The man's face became clear—it was Xiao Wen's face. They were like a family, walking on the streets of Jiefangbei, happier than anyone else…
There is a kind of love that can carry on the past (Part 9)
gold
When Hu Ni woke up in the morning, she sat on the edge of the bed for a long time. Her mother smiled at her from beside the pillow. Hu Ni asked, "Mom, are you lonely?"
Hu Ni got up and went out again. She went to find lunch. All the nearby snack shops were closed, so she boarded a minibus. It wasn't that she was particularly hungry and needed to eat something; she just wanted to find something to do, a short-term goal, to give herself some motivation during this period.
Half an hour later, Hu Ni sat down in a small restaurant. She ordered a bowl of tofu pudding, a stir-fried vegetable dish, and a bowl of steamed pork with rice flour. It was Chinese New Year, and she felt she should eat more. The restaurant was nearly empty; besides Hu Ni and the owner's family, there was hardly anyone else. People who went out to eat today either went to fancy restaurants or stayed home. Of course, a small restaurant like this wouldn't be very popular on such a luxurious day.
Before leaving, Hu Ni asked for some pig's head meat to take back to her mother.
When it came time to pay, the burly shopkeeper charged an extremely low price, just a token amount. Hu Ni exclaimed in surprise, "So cheap!"
The owner has the typical Chongqing generosity: "We're not open today, but my relatives came, so we cooked for them. It's fate that you came to our shop today. We could have waived your fee, but we're business people, so we'll just charge you a little."
Hu Ni paid the bill and was surprisingly in a good mood. She received such friendly treatment on the first day of the new year. A person who lacks warmth is easily satisfied and easily moved.
Hu Ni went back, took out the paper money she had prepared a few days ago, lit it in the corner of the room, and placed the pig's head meat she had brought back next to it. Watching the flames die down and the paper money turn to ashes, Hu Ni climbed into bed, pulled the covers tighter, and prepared to sleep for the afternoon. This was her best way to combat the emptiness.
She woke up to find it was already dark. Without hesitation, Hu Ni got up and went out again. Escaping, constantly escaping.
She wanted to go eat, so she could shut out the coldness and stagnant air of the room behind her, even if only temporarily.
Surprisingly, a skewer stall has set up next to the school; it's run by a laid-off couple. Students usually like to eat something at these stalls to break up the monotonous school meals.
Hu Ni sat down on the bench. There were already quite a few people sitting around her, groups of young men and women, eager to break free from their families and become independent.
While the hostess was busy, she asked Hu Ni warmly, "Little sister, didn't you go home for the New Year?" She probably realized that Hu Ni was a student at this university.
Hu Ni smiled slightly and shook her head. Then she picked out some dishes and handed them to the hostess.
"Can you handle spicy food?" the hostess asked solicitously as always.
Hu Ni shook her head and said, "No."
"Is the girl from out of town?" The hostess was busy with her work, but she kept talking to Hu Nila.
Hu Ni nodded.
Where are you from?
Hu Ni paused for a moment, this question was rather profound for her. After hesitating for a second, she said, "Shanghai, I guess."
"Shanghai, ah, that's a wonderful place." The hostess brought out the steaming hot boiled skewers.
Hu Ni noticed that a little girl of about four or five years old was following behind the mistress. She was obviously also interested in Hu Ni and was secretly watching her with her big, dark eyes.
Hu Ni smiled at her, and the little girl shyly hid her head behind her mother, then peeked out again.
Hu Ni smiled and asked, "How old are you?"
The woman stirred the contents of the pot, then turned to the little girl and said, "Tell Auntie, how old are you this year?"
The little girl smiled shyly with her big, bright eyes and said slowly and sweetly, "Auntie, I'm four and a half years old."
"Why aren't you staying at home? Why aren't you out with your parents?"
The little girl said slowly and delicately, "My grandparents went to my second uncle's house for the New Year, and I'm scared to be home alone."
Hu Ni laughed.
The thin male homeowner came over, picked up the little girl, and sat her down on a stool, saying, "Don't disturb Auntie's meal, play by yourself." Then he smiled and said to Hu Ni, "Sweetie, eat slowly!"
The girl sat there, occasionally glancing at Hu Ni with a knowing smile.
After finishing their meal and paying, Hu Ni smiled and waved to the little girl. The little girl waved back and said, "Goodbye, Auntie!" Hu Ni replied, "Goodbye!"
There is a kind of love that can carry on the past (Part 10)
gold
The pager was left in the dormitory. All of Hu Ni's resolve crumbled. She wanted to see a message from Xiao Wen, and she really wanted to know what kind of message Xiao Wen had sent her during the thirty-odd hours that her phone had been off. He must have comforted her; someone who loved her so much must have sent her some message.
Hu Ni found a public phone booth, called the paging service, and gave them her phone number and password. The operator replied sweetly, "Sorry, we do not have your information at the moment."
Hu Ni hung up the phone, unable to believe that Xiao Wen, who loved her so much, could be so heartless as to not send her a single message or offer a word of comfort.
When Hu Ni returned to the dormitory, every corner exuded desolation. The stark white walls and simple furnishings created a suffocatingly lonely atmosphere. Hu Ni lit a cigarette, lay down on the bed, then got up again, sat on a stool, and furiously pulled at her hair. She stubbed out the cigarette and strode outside. Once she made a decision, she couldn't wait.
In a public phone booth on the street, Hu Ni dialed Xiao Wen's cell phone without any hesitation.
“It’s me!” Hu Ni said in a hoarse voice.
"Oh! Hello! Hello!" Xiao Wen's voice was unusually exaggerated.
Hu Ni, with tears streaming down her face, wanted to interrupt him, but didn't know what to say.
After exchanging a lot of polite words, Xiao Wen said, "Okay, I'll contact you again when I get back! Goodbye!" and hung up the phone.
Hu Ni held the receiver, letting the dial tone ring in her ear for a long time before hanging up. Then she leaned against the phone, lit a cigarette, and sobbed, maliciously inhaling the smoke before exhaling it violently.
After Hu Ni had stomped out five cigarette butts on the ground, she grabbed the phone and quickly dialed. A mechanical voice came from the other end: "Sorry, the number you dialed is currently unavailable!" Hu Ni hung up the phone dejectedly, slumped to the ground, and ran her hands through her hair, tearing at it violently. There is a kind of pain that can penetrate to the very marrow of one's bones.
Fireworks occasionally pierced the cold silence of the night sky, and firecrackers broke the stillness. Hu Ni squatted there, feeling the weight of her loved ones' abandonment once again. Xiao Wen had given up on her, she thought. But she wouldn't admit it; Xiao Wen had never intended to possess her completely. He had given up on her from the very beginning. She was just an experience, like many other women he had been with. How could Hu Ni, who was taking a relationship seriously for the first time, understand the decisiveness and composure of a man in his forties?
Hu Ni floated back like an empty shell, then paced restlessly around the room like a caged beast.
She couldn't calm herself down.
Hu Ni went out again; she went to the bar near the school, but the bar was closed.
Hu Ni found a small shop and bought a bottle of red wine that had been stored there for a long time and was covered in dust.
Back in her dorm, Hu Ni easily opened the wine bottle. It was a cheap bottle of red wine, costing only a dozen yuan, and came in a regular bottle, requiring no corkscrew. Hu Ni gulped down a large mouthful, then followed it with another. Hu Ni wanted to get drunk quickly, to forget everything.
After finishing a bottle of wine, Hu Ni slowly began to feel dizzy. The world blurred before her eyes, hazy and indistinct, but the heartache remained clear. Hu Ni began to cry, her voice no longer under control. Hu Ni felt her stomach churning violently. She struggled to run outside, leaned against the sink, and vomited violently. A powerful force within her compelled her to vomit uncontrollably, the vomiting draining the last of her strength. Hu Ni struggled back inside, collapsing onto the bed and falling into a deep, unresponsive sleep. A cold wind blew in forcefully from outside; Hu Ni had forgotten to close the door.
It was a gloomy night, with an endless forest, boundless darkness, and snowflakes dancing in the air...
When I woke up the next morning, I felt completely exhausted, with pain all over my body, a sore throat, a headache, and an empty stomach, but no appetite at all.
Hu Ni lay there, not wanting to get up. Her pager lay beside her pillow; it had been turned on last night. Hu Ni's resolve had crumbled; she was waiting, waiting with all her pride behind her back.
Hu Ni thought that if she weren't so lonely, perhaps she wouldn't think of him like this. Perhaps Hu Ni would break up with him, but she would have to wait until he was at school, to break up face-to-face, and then she could still see him occasionally, slowly letting her feelings weaken; that would be easier to accept. Hu Ni thought, when he comes back, I'll break up with him; I shouldn't continue this game.
A nauseating soreness rose in her throat, and Hu Ni struggled to get up to boil some water for herself. She found her front door wide open, and a chill ran down her spine. She checked around, but there was no sign of anyone having been there. Hu Ni went outside, filled a kettle with water, and started boiling it. As the water slowly heated, her throat felt like it was burning. She ran outside and gulped down a bellyful of cold water from the tap.
Panting heavily, Hu Ni returned to bed, feeling her body trembling. It was still early, so she decided to sleep a little longer. Under the lingering effects of the alcohol, Hu Ni quickly fell asleep.
Around 7 PM, Hu Ni was woken up by her pager—a very urgent, yet cheerful sound. Hu Ni was pulled back from a distant world.
The pager displayed: I'm sorry! I miss you!
Hu Ni quickly dressed and ran into the street. She knew that Xiao Wen might have a chance to make a phone call at this time.
Hu Ni dialed Xiao Wen's cell phone, only to be told that it was switched off. Hu Ni stared blankly at the message on her pager, wanting to cry, but no tears came.
Feeling utterly exhausted, Hu Ni knew she needed to eat something, or things would get worse.
I sat down at the small stall run by the laid-off couple, but had no appetite whatsoever. I randomly ordered two things and ate them sparingly. The little girl who had come yesterday was still sitting on the stool, occasionally giving Hu Ni a shy smile, still with an unspoken understanding on her face. Hu Ni would occasionally return her friendly gestures. When paying, the couple asked in surprise, "Is it not good? You haven't eaten much!" Hu Ni said, "I have a cold, so I don't have an appetite. Actually, it's very delicious."
Hu Ni smiled and waved to the little girl, then hunched over and walked back. Passing a phone booth, Hu Ni hesitated, paused, and then continued on. She passed another, then another, slowly approaching it; she knew this was the last phone booth she would pass. Hu Ni dialed the number, but the same mechanical voice answered: "This user's phone is switched off. Please try again later." Hu Ni let the voice ring, then heard another explanation in English, followed by a dead tone. Hu Ni hung up and slowly walked on. She knew this would be the outcome, but she still couldn't resist trying.