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Suddenly, I felt a surge of fear. Fear, like a venomous snake, slithered out from him and into my heart. I clung to him tightly, trembling and shrinking back, seeking refuge in his embrace—a wish I could cherish for a lifetime.

"Lin Yu... Lin Yu... Lin Yu..." he suddenly called my name in a hoarse voice, over and over again, as if the sound came not from his throat, but from his soul. "Lin Yu, I love you..." he said, "I love you so... so much..."

I was so scared, I clung tightly to his waist, repeatedly replying, "Me too, me too... I love you so much... Yihan, I really love you..." My heart ached with love for him, so please, please don't say anything that will make me despair, please...

But he still spoke, his voice hoarse and broken: "Lin Yu, I can't die... If I die, who will protect you, Lin Yu... I don't want to let go of you, I don't want to let go even in death... But if there's anything more terrifying than letting go in this world, it's leaving you..."

I was nestled in his arms, the cold raindrops pattering against my face, ears, and neck. So cold, so very cold. Yihan, can I treat today as a dream? A cold, merciless nightmare?

He buried his face in my neck, the warm, wet sensation slowly flowing down my collarbone. The contrasting torments of cold and burning intertwined within me: "Lin Yu, Lin Yu, I truly love you so much. How could I possibly stop loving you? But if the price of loving you is leaving you forever, I… I'd rather not love you. I promised to stay with you forever, even if you're just my master, even if I watch you marry someone else, even if… I can never love you again, I will never leave you…"

He lowered his head and kissed me desperately with his cold lips again and again: "Lin Yu, from now on, you are my master. I must never fall in love with you, I must never develop feelings for my master... Lin Yu, Lin Yu... From now on, I can never hold you like this again, I can never kiss you like this again, I can never... never call you like this again..."

After saying those words, Yi Han, his body ice-cold, who was holding me tightly, slowly collapsed. Blood trickled from the corner of his mouth, and his face was filled with despair and sorrow at losing everything. He lay there in the dense, cold rain, lonely and desolate.

He must have been seriously injured, he must have suffered for too long, and he must have been delirious, which is why he said so many things he would never normally say. That's why he collapsed in front of me, filling me with fear.

Long, long ago there was a poem that went something like this: I love you, but I cannot say it. I am afraid that if I say it, I will die. I am not afraid of dying, I am only afraid that if I die, no one will love you as much as I do.

Fu Yu understands Yi Han too well, and Yi Han understands me too well. I can live and die with him, but I will not abandon Yun Yan's safety or Zi Mo's wish to die for love after his death. Therefore, he cannot bear to leave me alone and lonely, and he cannot bear to break our eternal promise.

He was once willing to give everything, even his life, for our lifelong love. Now, however, he wants to exchange this lifelong love for fifty years of staying by my side.

So cold, so cold… I held him, unconscious, in the drizzle and wept silently. I traveled through time twice to find you again. I tasted love and hate to fall in love with you again. Why, why can’t we be together? Why is our love always so humble, so desperate, so… helpless?

The farthest distance in the world

It's not me standing in front of you.

You don't know I love you.

Instead, it was love to the point of obsession.

But I can't say I love you

The farthest distance in the world

It's not that I can't say I love you

Instead, I want you to be heartbroken.

But it can only be buried deep in my heart

"Young Master..." The cold, suppressed call interrupted my reverie.

I snapped back to reality and heard him say to me, "Young master, please rest well. I'll be leaving now." He finished speaking quickly and then fled from my room as if he were escaping.

I heard the banging of the door, knowing he was still silently waiting outside; I heard the banging of the door, and when I came to my senses, I realized that I was already in tears.

The love and intimacy of the past seem like things from the last century. Only... I gently rolled up my left sleeve, where there was a crescent-shaped rose-colored mark. It was the only thing left after the initiation ceremony, proof that he and I were so close yet so far.

How can true pain be expressed through joyful weeping? It's impossible... not even to speak of it... Who said such words? Who suffered such pain? Thinking about it now, I feel so deeply for them, and my heart aches so much for the man in the blue robe and silver hair outside the door.

Xiao Yi

2007.1.11 19:51

Chapter 3: Past Events (End)

This chapter is the saddest I've written so far, even more painful than writing about Zi Mo. Perhaps it's because, at least with Zi Mo's disappearance, I could still cry, but here, even crying is a luxury for Yi Han and Lin Yu…

I really hope everyone will leave lots of comments for this chapter. Writing can be really lonely sometimes, and it's very touching to be able to share my feelings with others and see their feedback, feeling their empathy. Thank you!

Next update: Sunday, January 13th

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Chapter 4 Watching from Across the River (Part 1)

Chapter 4 Watching from Across the River (Part 1)

Author's Note:

Yes, regarding the matter of choosing a master, here's the thing.

First, there's a reason why the Heavenly Star Flow Sword Sect has this rule against lovers falling in love with their master. This is also the true meaning of drawing upon the fires of hell to burn away all the sins of the world. Well, we'll talk about that later… Lin Yu doesn't know, and Yi Han doesn't really know either. Only Xing Hun knows.

Secondly, according to the rules of the Heavenly Star School, after choosing a master through blood, one cannot have sexual relations with the master, otherwise Shen Tu will lose all his martial arts. Um... it's hard to say whether, in a relationship, if one isn't restrained, things might escalate to physical intimacy.

Thirdly, and most importantly, Si Cheng and his men have been monitoring Shen Tu. If the two of them were to engage in intimate behavior or secretly be together, it's hard to guarantee they wouldn't be discovered. And Fu Yu, he absolutely cannot tolerate anyone being out of his control, so his methods will only be more ruthless. Well, Yi Han understands this very well. Because he personally witnessed Fu Yu dealing with his own daughter, Gu Yao'er.

When the order of things is disordered, one must be prepared to face adversity. Violence and tyranny will lead to one's own destruction. One should act in accordance with the natural order, and act in accordance with the natural order.

—From "The Thirty-Six Stratagems: Watching the Fire from Across the River"

On June 1, 768 AD, the weather was fine and sunny with clear skies.

For most people in the world, June 1st might be an ordinary day. But for me, it's different. It's Children's Day! Although I'm long past the age and interest in celebrating this holiday, a certain man beside me is different.

It was only around seven in the morning when I dragged the still-sleepy Feifei out of bed and had the maid dress him in brand-new clothes—dark purple brocade with gold embroidery, his hair tied up with a jade crown. In an instant, he became a handsome young gentleman. Every maid who looked at him couldn't help but blush.

Feifei was very well-behaved today, mainly because she was still sleepy-eyed. I guess her soul is still in some Javanese country and hasn't returned yet. So she let them do whatever they wanted without getting angry or radiating a gloomy aura. However, her fair and slender hands were still unconsciously tugging at the hem of my clothes.

After I finished dressing him up, I looked him up and down for a while, and then teased him with satisfaction, "Our Feifei is really handsome."

He seemed to suddenly wake up, his face flushed, his eyes became bright and clear, and his cheeks puffed out slightly. He grabbed my hand with his warm palm and held it tightly, refusing to let go.

I grabbed his hand and looked into his dark, clear eyes, and couldn't help but laugh, "Let's go have breakfast. I'll stay with you all day."