After he finished speaking, he continued walking through the green belt towards the elevator. Zhu Xiaobei followed him. "That's about right. By the way, Han Shu..."
As he said this, for some reason, Han Shu, who was walking forward, suddenly stopped as if he remembered something, and Zhu Xiaobei, who couldn't stop in time, almost bumped into him.
"I have something to tell you."
"Xiao Bei, there's something I want to tell you."
They uttered almost the same sentence at the same time, and then both paused for a moment afterward.
"You go first." Han Shu stopped his impulsive urge to have a proper talk with Zhu Xiaobei, adhering to the principle of ladies first.
Zhu Xiaobei chuckled, supporting her back. "We're actually on the same page at times like this. You really want me to go first? Okay." She straightened her back as if to be serious. "About Han Shu, I might be leaving G City in a couple of days. I need to go back to Xinjiang to take care of some things."
Even at this moment, Han Shu's professional sensitivity made him notice Zhu Xiaobei's unique word choice. When talking about Xinjiang, she used "return" instead of "go," as if it were her hometown. But she was clearly a native of Shenyang, and Xinjiang was just a place where she studied briefly.
Han Shu chose not to point this out, and shrugged. "When are we leaving? Is something important?"
"Even a personal matter is important to me."
"That's alright. Do you need me to book your flight? When are you leaving? I'll take you to the airport."
"What's there to give me? I'm not missing any limbs. Anyone can go to the airport," Zhu Xiaobei said casually.
"You'll be gone for a few days. How about I pick you up when you come back?"
"No need, I'm not sure when I'll be back either, I've taken a long leave from school."
"Oh." Han Shu paused, genuinely puzzled. "Has something happened? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Probably not," Zhu Xiaobei said with a smile, scratching her head. "Han Shu, we've known each other for quite a while now, haven't we?"
"Um."
"You're a bit fussy and vain, but you're still quite cute."
"Please don't praise me, it makes me uncomfortable."
"Don't change the subject. I was just being polite when I praised you. What I really wanted to say was... you've probably experienced this before, right? There are some places, some people, that, even if they don't mean anything, just have an indescribable... how do I put it, magic?"
Han Shu glanced at Zhu Xiaobei but didn't say anything. Zhu Xiaobei felt dizzy even listening to herself, but for some reason, she felt that Han Shu should understand.
Indeed, Han Shu vaguely understood something from Zhu Xiaobei's words. He stood quietly in place without saying a word, and the words he originally intended to say seemed to have lost their necessity.
"Your turn, Han Shu." Zhu Xiaobei mimicked his gesture of being attentive. After a while, she didn't hear Han Shu speak. "Are you mute? I thought you were going to tell me about your new curtains."
Zhu Xiaobei was a straightforward man, but not a careless one, as Han Shu knew. He picked up the item in his hand and glanced at it; the so-called secret was probably only considered secret by the person involved.
He simply asked directly, "Xiao Bei, how did you two meet?" He decided that if Zhu Xiao Bei asked who "she" was, he would pretend he hadn't said anything and skip the topic.
Zhu Xiaobei tilted her head. Han Shu initially thought she was puzzled by the seemingly nonsensical question, but it turned out she was recalling something.
"I thought you'd ask me this question sooner. You southern men just lack that straightforwardness. Are you asking about Xie Junian? I met Junian on a train last year. She was traveling from G city to Lanzhou, and I was also transferring at Lanzhou station to go back to Urumqi. It was a 36-hour journey, almost two days and two nights. She was sitting right across from me, so it was impossible not to meet. You wouldn't believe it, but the coincidence was even more striking. I had barely settled back into my seat in Xinjiang after returning, and I had to rush back as soon as I finished the formalities. Unexpectedly, I ran into her again while waiting for my train at Lanzhou station. Her ticket wasn't for the same carriage as mine, but I switched seats with someone else and ended up sitting face-to-face with her again. You know what, she's an interesting person."
"Lanzhou?" Han Shu racked his brains, trying to recall his meager memories of Xie Junian. None of them were related to this place, and according to what he had learned from the files, neither of Junian's parents were from the north. He couldn't understand why a young girl like her would travel thousands of miles alone to the far north.
Zhu Xiaobei seemed to have guessed his doubts, and she said, "They're going on a trip. What, can't you travel alone? Your thinking is so outdated... Don't think that just because it's spring all year round here, the Northwest desert is just a barren wasteland. Actually, there are many places worth visiting there."
Now that the topic has come up, Han Shu no longer wanted to beat around the bush, so he pressed on, "Did she talk to you about anything on the train?"
"Actually, what you really want to ask is whether she has asked about you, right?" Zhu Xiaobei spoke without any ambiguity, making Han Shu quite embarrassed, although that was indeed his intention.
Han Shu then realized that they were standing next to a trash can in the green belt, a truly unsightly spot, making their sudden conversation all the more abrupt. He and Zhu Xiaobei were a legitimate couple, yet their conversation about each other's private matters felt like they were watching from the sidelines. Thinking about it more deeply, this feeling was incredibly strange. They hadn't seemed to notice it before; was it a shared carelessness, or a deliberate oversight? Perhaps Zhu Xiaobei had noticed something the first time they met at the clothing store; some things were so obvious, but she hadn't asked. Similarly, Han Shu hadn't pressed her on why his girlfriend, Zhu Xiaobei, had rushed off to Xinjiang with just a few words, without even an expected return date.
Zhu Xiaobei glanced at the things Han Shu was carrying. "The new curtains look really nice. The store loves customers like you the most. Han Shu, if there are things you want to know, why don't you ask her yourself? I swear if I had known my relationship with her would be this dramatic, I would have been much more gossipy."
Han Shu tried to decipher the meaning behind Zhu Xiaobei's words, but the frankness in her eyes was unmistakable. "Han Shu, do you think Fei Ming is your child? I've played two games with this girl. She's quite good at such a young age. I won't be able to beat her in a few years."
So she even knew Xie Feiming. Han Shu shook his head, "I don't know, probably not... but I suddenly feel like it's not the child's problem. I went to see Xie Junian today. Yes, I admit I feel guilty. In short, she said she forgave me, and everything was wiped clean. But things shouldn't be like this, Xiao Bei. I didn't expect that she would press the stop button just as I was starting to prepare." He then laughed self-deprecatingly, "I don't know how to stop. Not long ago, I even lied to the child's teacher, and they all thought I really was the child's father."
"I said you seem pretty normal most of the time, how come you act all high and mighty at crucial moments... Okay, I get it. You tell me, or should I say it?" Zhu Xiaobei patted Han Shu on the shoulder in her habitual "we're like brothers" manner.
"Say? Say what?"
"Don't play dumb with me, you don't look like someone who talks nonsense."
Han Shu pondered for a moment, then grasped Zhu Xiaobei's hand, which was resting on his shoulder, and said, "Let's wait until you come back from over there. If you're over there... over there... Anyway, Xiaobei, no matter what the final decision is, I'm the one who's wrong in this matter."
Zhu Xiaobei scoffed, "No matter who's right or wrong, I'm still going to get a good beating from my mom. In her eyes, dumping a man is shameful, and being dumped by a man is even more shameful... You go upstairs and change your clothes. You promised to play with me for three hours straight. I don't believe I can't beat you while you're not in good shape!"
The game between Zhu Xiaobei and Han Shu actually only lasted forty minutes. During that time, Han Shu's phone rang several times, but it was in his backpack and no one heard it. It wasn't until halftime that he returned the call, and then walked over to Zhu Xiaobei with an indescribably strange expression.
"Wait...what happened? Your great-great-grandson has been born?"
Han Shu shook his head, wiping the sweat from his face with a towel. "It's from the hospital, official business."
"Isn't today the weekend?"
"I just received a notification that the case I'm handling involving the Construction Bureau... the person in question pried open the bathroom vent while using the restroom and jumped from the sixth floor, dying instantly. It happened just half an hour ago."
"No way? Is this the case you said was about to be closed?" Zhu Xiaobei was also shocked. Although she had never met the corrupt section chief before, the fact that a life had been lost so suddenly was still shocking.
Because it involved professional confidentiality, Han Shu didn't say much. He nodded hastily, exchanged a few words with Zhu Xiaobei, and rushed to his unit without even changing his clothes. He had once thought that his last case in the Chengnan District was indeed as simple as Cai Jian had said—as easy as cutting cabbage, everything seemed certain, and he could close the case immediately without much effort, then smoothly leave for his new post at the Municipal Procuratorate. This time, Han Shu was wrong. Whether in his career or in his personal life, what he considered simple was actually far more complex than he had imagined.
Chapter Fourteen: My forgiveness doesn't mean I've forgotten.
Han Shu left the game temporarily, and Zhu Xiaobei sat alone in the stadium for a while. A middle-aged man saw that she was alone and invited her to play two games. Zhu Xiaobei gained a great sense of satisfaction from winning against the man. Afterwards, the man invited her to dinner, but she declined, saying that she had to go home to take care of her child. She packed her things and left the stadium. The sun was setting, leaving only a blush of red on the horizon.
Zhu Xiaobei rarely came to this stadium and wasn't very familiar with the area. Today, Han Shu mentioned Xie Junian to her, and she remembered Junian telling her before that there was a small beef noodle shop not far away that was quite delicious, but Zhu Xiaobei had never had the chance to try it. It seemed Han Shu wouldn't be able to get away anytime soon, so wasn't now the perfect opportunity to try the beef noodles? Zhu Xiaobei was a woman of action; once she made up her mind, she immediately followed Junian's directions.
Zhu Xiaobei grew up in the north, on flat plains. In her hometown, people used to point to directions using the cardinal directions: east, west, north, and south. East-west roads were called streets, and north-south roads were called lanes—it was all very straightforward. But in the south, these concepts completely lost their meaning. G City was a typical example, with its streets and alleys, big and small, like a spider web, completely disregarding rules. Here you'd find a slope, there a turn. Even Zhu Xiaobei, who considered herself to have an excellent sense of direction, felt disoriented when she first arrived. The way people gave directions here was also interesting; they didn't say directions, only left and right—left, left, then right, right, a turn, and before you knew it, you'd be walking in the shape of a China Unicom sign.
Fortunately, Xie Junian was different. Her directions had a different meaning. She said, "On XX Road, when you see a tall, golden building, walk towards it. Then, after passing the slightly crooked traffic light, the fifth streetlight ahead is where the alley entrance is. There are many snack shops in the alley. The beef noodle shop doesn't have a sign, only a camphor tree that looks like the Chinese idiom 'Kanglong Youhui' (meaning 'The dragon has regrets'). It's right next to the tree."
When Xie Junian spoke of those distinctive features, he spoke with such certainty, as if they were the only constants, unlike left, right, east, or west. Zhu Xiaobei found it amusing at the time, but now, walking along the path, the golden buildings, the slightly crooked traffic lights, the fifth streetlamp pointing towards the alleyway, the snack shops in the alley… everything was there. And that oddly shaped camphor tree, aside from the eighteenth move of the Eighteen Subduing Dragon Palms, "Regretful Dragon," which Guo Jing often demonstrated in the Huang Rihua version of "The Legend of the Condor Heroes," Zhu Xiaobei found that he could find no more suitable words to describe it.
Standing under the tree, the steaming aroma of braised beef wafted over. Actually, compared to her meals with Han Shu, where he was particular about the venue, tableware, and atmosphere, Zhu Xiaobei preferred this down-to-earth, everyday flavor. The shop was small and rather simple, but it was dinnertime, and it was packed with customers. Zhu Xiaobei called out for a long time before the owner finally gave her a small plastic sign for their signature beef noodles. Then she continued to worry about finding a seat in the crowded shop.
The shop was only about ten square meters, with a few low square tables arranged irregularly. Looking around, Zhu Xiaobei saw quite a few young, handsome men and beautiful women sweating profusely and eating noodles without any regard for their appearance. As she looked, her eyes suddenly lit up. How strange! Is it really true that you can't talk about people during the day and can't talk about ghosts at night?
"The Year of the Orange, the Year of Thanks for the Orange?"
Zhu Xiaobei didn't care about anything else, calling out to that familiar face through several people.
Xie Junian was indeed there. She had been busy all day and was just getting off work. The fabric store was only two blocks away. Fei Ming was going to his badminton training class. On days when her child wasn't home, she rarely cooked and would just find a place to eat.
The beef noodles were piping hot, and Ju Nian ate them very slowly. Her slowness wasn't a cultivated elegance or reserve, but rather a leisurely ease of not being in a hurry. No one was waiting for her, and she wasn't waiting for anyone, as if she could slowly savor this bowl of noodles until the end of time.
Ju Nian heard someone calling her and stopped eating. "Zhu Xiaobei!" She couldn't help but laugh and beckoned Zhu Xiaobei over.
“I caught you on my first visit, isn’t that a coincidence?” Zhu Xiaobei said.
"I've been saying I'd eat beef noodles with you for a while now, so let's do it today."
As they spoke, Zhu Xiaobei realized that Ju Nian wasn't alone; sitting opposite her was a young girl—or rather, a woman. She wasn't sure because the woman's face was almost completely obscured by heavy makeup, making it impossible to discern her age. Zhu Xiaobei could only judge her age from the alluring figure encased in a pink, low-cut, lace crop top. It wasn't completely dark yet, and frankly, Zhu Xiaobei had never seen such gaudy attire in natural light, which surprised her considerably.
Seeing that Ju Nian had run into an acquaintance, the woman patted her knees, stood up, made room for her, and then nodded to Ju Nian, "I'm going to get back to work now, you two chat." She didn't greet Zhu Xiaobei directly, and walked away. As she brushed past Zhu Xiaobei, a strong, cheap perfume wafted into his nose, and Zhu Xiaobei barely suppressed the urge to sneeze. Ju Nian didn't stop her, only whispering, "Be careful."
The woman smiled but didn't answer. She took a few steps, pulled a crumpled cigarette case from the back pocket of her tight jeans, lit one with a hunched back, and gradually walked away.
Zhu Xiaobei claimed to have traveled extensively and seen everything, but in reality, she came from a respectable family with a strict upbringing and received a conventional education. Although she enjoyed traveling, she mostly encountered refined people. She wasn't used to Han Shu's refined lifestyle, and she rarely came into contact with the real lower classes. The woman sitting opposite Ju Nian earlier looked weary and worn out, easily leading to impure thoughts about her profession. Zhu Xiaobei had only seen such people in social documentary columns in various media before; this was the first time she had met them so closely, so it was hard not to take a second look.
"Your noodles are here, why aren't you sitting down?" Ju Nian smiled, drawing her attention back.
Zhu Xiaobei withdrew his gaze, realizing he had been somewhat abrupt. After sitting down, he chuckled twice and asked curiously, "Your friend? He's quite unique."
Ju Nian showed no surprise at her question, and handed her a small spice jar from the next table, "Do you want this... uh, yeah, it's from a former roommate."
Perhaps Ju Nian understood that such a simple answer could not satisfy Zhu Xiaobei's curiosity. She smiled and added, "My roommates from 'inside' came out a few years after me."
Since they met, Ju Nian has never deliberately concealed the "stain" of her past from Xiao Bei, nor has she exaggerated the twists and turns of that period. When talking about that time, she most often says, "I went in, and then I came out," glossing over it. If you don't listen carefully, you might think that she went to just any ordinary place in the world.
If it weren't for the lingering scent of depravity emanating from Xie Junian's former "roommate" who had just appeared beside her, Zhu Xiaobei would have found it difficult to connect the Xie Junian she knew with the reality of evil. The Xie Junian she knew was exactly like this: a small face, perfectly proportioned features, nothing particularly striking, neither flamboyant nor alluring, but combined perfectly, inexplicably pleasing to the eye. She wasn't exceptionally beautiful, but she wasn't unattractive either; she didn't give off a sharp, aggressive vibe, nor was she overly gentle; she didn't talk much, but she wasn't dull or wooden; she didn't seem particularly shrewd, yet she knew everything she needed to know… She was like everything, and yet she was nothing, like a vague and contradictory mixture, yet completely indistinguishable from others. She was herself, a 29-year-old woman named Xie Junian.
Xiao Bei recalled their first meeting on the train. They sat facing each other, enduring the long, tedious journey. Who could keep them entertained? Zhu Xiao Bei was always talkative, able to chat enthusiastically with anyone. Of course, she wouldn't miss the chance to talk to her peer across from her. Xie Junian was easy to talk to, but not easy to become familiar with. Zhu Xiao Bei would say ten sentences, and Xie Junian would often only respond with one or two. But those one or two sentences made Zhu Xiao Bei feel that talking to her was the most interesting thing to do in the entire carriage. Xie Junian understood the meaning behind Zhu Xiao Bei's veiled jokes best, always asking "And then?" at the most opportune moment, allowing Zhu Xiao Bei to continue her rambling. You might think she was listening casually, but what she said was exactly what she wanted to express.
Having traveled more than halfway, on the last night of the train journey to Lanzhou, there were very few passengers left in the carriage. Zhu Xiaobei had barely slept all night. She talked to a complete stranger about her life over the past twenty-odd years, about her good fortune, her regrets, her friends, and the people she had loved and lost.
Xie Junian leaned against the window of the carriage and listened quietly, almost without interruption. Her calmness made Zhu Xiaobei feel that his past had become a river, flowing slowly through the two of them in the carriage, sweet and bitter, like ripples on water, vivid in his mind, but passing by silently.
That was the most unrestrained outpouring of Zhu Xiaobei's life. It wasn't that she had no friends, but her outpouring didn't need comfort, advice, or sympathy. She just needed to be listened to—listened to with understanding. She remembered that night the weather was bad; outside the window, the wilderness was pouring rain, and the flashes of lightning streaked across Xie Junian's calm eyes, creating a striking contrast.
The next morning, just after seven o'clock, the train arrived at Lanzhou Station. It was Ju Nian who woke up the somewhat sleepy Xiao Bei to get off the train. Zhu Xiao Bei briefly tidied her luggage in the crowd on the platform. Her travel companion was nowhere to be found. That time, she didn't even know Ju Nian's name. Ju Nian never mentioned her.
Their chance encounter in the waiting room on the return trip was unexpected for both of them, which Zhu Xiaobei attributed to "fate." So, without saying a word, she semi-forced the young man who was originally sitting opposite Ju Nian to switch seats and carriages with her. To avoid missing each other again, she offered to exchange names and phone numbers with Ju Nian, which officially marked the beginning of their friendship.
Zhu Xiaobei had already told Zhu Xiaobei everything before she left, but she was quite curious about Ju Nian. Ju Nian didn't talk much about herself, saying that she was plain and unremarkable, but to alleviate the loneliness of the journey, she was willing to tell Zhu Xiaobei a story, a story from her childhood.
"If I had known that the people in the story might be related to me, I swear I would have listened to every word more carefully," Zhu Xiaobei confessed in the beef noodle shop that evening. Actually, Zhu Xiaobei didn't hear the whole story. Ju Nian's narration was too slow, so slow that Xiaobei felt the story only had a beginning and no end.
Zhu Xiaobei's words startled Ju Nian, and she remained silent.
Xiao Bei continued, "Actually, you already recognized him when I first brought him to your shop, right?"
Ju Nian had just finished the last bite of her drink when she said, "You had just told me that you had a stroke of good luck and had found a good marriage partner. I don't want some trivial things to affect you."
“Minor details? Is that how you describe our Chief Prosecutor Han?” Zhu Xiaobei laughed loudly. “He will definitely be heartbroken. This ‘minor detail’ even makes him imagine that he is the father of your child.”
"Feiming is not my child, and Han Shu is not her father, Xiao Bei, you can rest assured. My affair with Han Shu is too far in the past to affect your life with him now."
"Isn't it enough to affect your own life? Ju Nian, Han Shu can't let go of him, have you really forgiven him?"
Ju Nian fell silent again. Two wall fans were embedded in the dark yellow walls of the noodle shop. The oil-stained blades spun around, blurring the grime into a mess. The wind from the fans stirred the disposable chopstick sleeves on the low table, making them seem about to fly away. Ju Nian reached out and held them down, gently crumpling them into a ball.
“It’s easy to say sorry, and it’s not hard to say forgiveness. Xiao Bei, people often live on just enough breath they can hold on to. Happiness is a breath, sadness is a breath, anger is a breath, hatred is a breath, and guilt is a breath. Han Shu is holding on to this breath, so he can’t let himself go. Since he needs some kind of symbolic redemption, then why can’t I forgive him?”
"He's so resentful about it, yet you've never held a grudge?" Zhu Xiaobei asked.
Ju Nian replied, "Hate? Anyone who says they've never hated is inhuman. At first, I even hated myself. I lived in this world just to be behind those high walls and iron bars, watching the lights go out through small iron windows at night, and working the daytime in the prison workshop, operating a sewing machine, earning a measly dollar a month. But as the hatred deepened, it faded. So much time passed, what did forgiveness matter? To me, his remorse wasn't precious, and nobody's remorse is precious. You saw that girl just now, right? Her name is Ping Feng, my cellmate. You guessed it right, she does that kind of work. Going back and forth in prison is all for this. When she first came out, it was because her family was poor, supporting her younger brothers' education, and she felt her sacrifice was noble. After a few years inside, she wanted to live an honest life afterward." Her younger brothers were all married and not wealthy. Perhaps out of gratitude, they would sometimes slip her a hundred or so yuan, or a small gift, but they were afraid she would bring up those shameful things, so their visits became less frequent. It wasn't that she hated anyone; she just wanted to survive. But she was uneducated, had no special skills, couldn't do manual labor, and no good man would marry her. She still needed to eat. The little money her brothers gave her every now and then wasn't enough for her to work one night. She didn't want to see them hiding away. What else could she do but go back to her old ways? What I meant by Ah Feng's situation was this: guilt or whatever, it's their own business, none of our concern. If a word of forgiveness could bring Han Shu back to his life, and everyone could leave each other alone, then I would forgive him. Frankly, I've long since stopped hating him.”
Xiao Bei asked, "What if he's willing to give you something of value, like a future? He dares to say in front of others that Fei Ming is his daughter. Can you say that this is just an apology? Even if you don't want to be bothered by him, will he stop?"
“You are not…” Cheng Ju Nian looked puzzled.
Xiao Bei laughed and said, "Han Shu is a good marriage prospect, but there are many other good marriage prospects in the world. Why should a good woman worry about not having a husband? I've tried, and I think many people can just make do for a lifetime, but none of them are Zhu Xiao Bei." As she spoke, she hooked her arm around Ju Nian's arm with a slightly roguish air, "I'm quite fond of Han Shu, but I like you even more."
"Then let's get married," Ju Nian said casually.
Ignoring the stares of others, Zhu Xiaobei finished laughing and then whispered to Ju Nian, "Ju Nian, I'm going back to Xinjiang. Jiang Nan has to give me an explanation. Find a good man to marry, he says so easily, but who is he to me? As for Han Shu, I can't speak for others, but he has feelings for you. If you're willing to hold on tight, he can at least give you a stable life, not only for you, but also for Fei Ming. Since forgiveness is possible, why not..."
Ju Nian smiled faintly and interrupted Zhu Xiaobei, "Forgiving those things doesn't mean I've forgotten them."
"Look, it's all dark now, and there are fewer people around. Are you in a hurry to get home...? Okay, if you'd like to hear the story I didn't have time to finish, I can tell it properly, if you're willing."