Although Ju Nian had been mentally prepared, the silent atmosphere and the slow sound of turning pages still made her feel uneasy.
"Xie Feiming is your niece... so you must know something about her health condition, right?" After a long silence, the doctor finally spoke.
Ju Nian nodded, finding it hardest to say the words "epilepsy." She had known about it since the day she adopted Fei Ming. For the first few years, she was constantly worried, afraid that this disease, like a time bomb, would strike Fei Ming at any moment. But Fei Ming grew up like a healthy child, while the disease had been lurking for so long that Ju Nian had even mistakenly believed it didn't exist.
The doctor glanced at Ju Nian, then pulled out the image of Fei Ming's head from a stack of test reports, and pointed the pen tip at a certain spot on the image.
All I could see in the orange grove was a tiny white dot.
The doctor said slowly, "Our preliminary diagnosis is that the child has a glioma measuring approximately 4 cm × 3 cm in size in one hemisphere of the brain."
Ju Nian remained silent, quietly looking at the doctor, as if she couldn't understand what the doctor meant for a moment.
"In other words, we believe that Xie Feiming has a brain tumor, which is very likely the root cause of her epileptic seizures."
This time, Ju Nian understood. She realized she had made the same mistake again, just like so many times before. When faced with fear, she thought she was well prepared, but she wasn't.
Chapter Fourteen: Despair is a Good Thing (Part 1)
Upon learning that she couldn't be discharged yet, Fei Ming threw another tantrum, until she was so distressed that she couldn't even make a sound, her little face turning purplish-red. This commotion attracted the attention of the doctors and nurses, who, fearing that her emotional outburst would worsen her condition, had no choice but to administer medication again, allowing her to fall into a deep sleep after her exhaustion and hoarseness.
Throughout the entire process, Ju Nian stood a few meters away, staring blankly at the scene. She couldn't help at all. Fate passed by like a giant wheel, leaving behind only shattered pieces, never offering a choice, except for the choice between chaos and clarity. The only difference between the two was which one was more painful; in terms of the outcome, she was equally powerless.
The doctor said that it's currently impossible to determine whether the tumor in Fei Ming's brain is benign or malignant, but at least one thing is certain: the tumor has been present in Fei Ming's brain for some time, and may even be congenital, closely related to heredity from the previous generation. On this point, the doctor repeatedly inquired about Fei Ming's family history of illness, and after learning from Ju Nian that the child's biological father did indeed suffer from congenital epilepsy, this conclusion was further confirmed. This is because epilepsy is one of the typical warning signs of an impending onset of a glioma.
Ju Nian desperately wanted the doctor to give her a definite answer: what could be done to save Fei Ming? But even the seemingly experienced doctor couldn't give her a clear answer. Regardless of whether the tumor was benign or malignant, it had grown to its current size and was inevitably compressing brain tissue, causing a series of physical reactions, such as increasingly frequent headaches, vomiting, and epileptic seizures. Moreover, the tumor was very likely still growing, and when it occupied enough space, even if it was benign, it would pose a life-threatening risk, while the terrible consequences of a malignant tumor were unimaginable.
The only option left is surgery. If the surgery is successful and there is no recurrence, that would be a stroke of good luck. But whether it will recur or not, no one can predict. The most difficult thing is that the non-obvious tumor is in a very dangerous location, which means that the risk of surgery is very high. Once the surgery is performed, she may recover, or she may die on the operating table immediately, or be left with sequelae and lifelong disability.
The doctor asked Ju Nian if she, as the child's "aunt," could make this life-or-death decision on behalf of the child. Faced with this question, Ju Nian was indeed speechless for a moment. Nominally, Xie Sinian's cousin was Fei Ming's adoptive father and rightful guardian, but Xie Sinian's decision to adopt the child was entirely for Ju Nian's sake. He had no real connection with Fei Ming. In the early years, he would occasionally send Ju Nian and Fei Ming some gifts from different places, which was enough for Ju Nian to be grateful for. She couldn't ask for more, because she knew that Xie Sinian's cousin was free-spirited and disliked being tied down. After the death of his loved one, he became even more homeless. Even if Ju Nian had considered asking Xie Sinian's cousin for help again now that she was desperate, it was impossible to contact him immediately. In recent years, she only knew from a few scattered postcards which small countries across the ocean her cousin had stayed in.
As for the child's other blood relative, finding her wouldn't be difficult. However, based solely on what Han Shu said about Chen Jiejie's current situation, Ju Nian couldn't possibly take the risk. How could she expect a pampered young lady from a ruined family, dependent on her husband's family for everything, to pay for a past tragic relationship? Whether it was because of a past vow or for the sake of present peace, Chen Jiejie would never acknowledge Fei Ming. Ju Nian understood this very well. If Fei Ming knew of her biological mother's existence but refused to accept her, the consequences would be absolutely fatal, far worse than letting her desperately fantasize about perfect parents.
Ju Nian told the doctor that she needed time to think, even if it was just for one night.
In making that answer, she also felt her own powerlessness and cowardice. In her most desperate moment, did she still understand that she was an outsider, and no matter how many years she raised Feiming, Feiming would never be her child?
Night had fallen, and Fei Ming was fast asleep, tears still lingering on her cheeks. Ju Nian tucked her in and stood alone in the small courtyard at the entrance of the inpatient department. From the hospital entrance, one could see the bustling street across the street. It was nearing the end of the year, and even at night, many people were busy buying New Year's goods. Ju Nian couldn't see clearly, but she could imagine the joyful expressions on their faces. All of this was just a street away from the desolation inside the hospital.
Wu Yu, if it were you, what would you do?
Ju Nian looked out into the distance and asked silently in her heart.
Chen Jiejie is healthy. Her mysterious illness is a result of Wu Yu's genetic inheritance. If the doctor's deduction is correct, then it is very likely that Wu Yu's epilepsy is caused by this kind of hereditary brain tumor. Unfortunately, no one cared about this at the time, and this secret was buried with him forever.
Ju Nian opened her palm and looked at the lines on her palm again. If his departure was inevitable, her loneliness was also destined. Shouldn't this be better for someone who believes in fate?
Ju Nian recalled seeing a line scribbled in Wu Yu's math textbook: "Life is as brilliant as summer flowers, death as serene as autumn leaves." Wu Yu wasn't particularly skilled in literary rhetoric, and Ju Nian guessed that it came from a line in Tagore's poetry. Perhaps he had seen it by chance, deeply agreed with it, and casually copied it into his textbook, which coincided with his dream of becoming a chivalrous knight.
If that's really the case, now it seems that Ju Nian is somewhat envious of Wu Yu. While alive, he may not have been as brilliant as "Summer Flowers," but at least in his end, it was just a flash of lightning, and everything returned to tranquility, just like the tragic scene in a martial arts novel, where a sword flashes and blood splatters five steps away. It's still better than some supporting character who lost an arm, holding an orphan, and barely surviving in reality.
But Fei Ming was so pitiful. This child had never been favored by fate, yet she had to endure misfortune far beyond what she could bear. As Ju Nian thought about it, her heart ached even more.
"She's too young, you can't take her away."
Only the sound of the wind blowing through the bare branches answered her... and the sound of very light footsteps.
Ju Nian suddenly turned around, only to see Han Shu standing a few steps behind her.
She hadn't expected Han Shu to be at the hospital so late. However, from the look of shock, grief, and pity on his face, Ju Nian knew she didn't need to explain further. He must have learned the truth from the doctor or other nurses.
For some reason, the moment she turned around and saw him, the calm and numb acceptance of the devastating news amplified the stark reality of the situation. Perhaps it was just that she had stood in the wind for too long… She hurriedly turned away from him and walked back to the ward. Thankfully, this time Han Shu was unusually quiet.
Chapter Fourteen: Despair is a Good Thing (Part 2)
Taking advantage of Fei Ming's relatively light morning treatment schedule, Ju Nian made a quick trip to the fabric store, found the manager, and reluctantly submitted her resignation. This job had been her only source of income over the years, and it had once been her lifeline. When she was desperate, only this store took her in, disregarding her criminal record, and even offered her the position of store manager. Therefore, Ju Nian had always worked diligently, devoting all her energy to this job, except for taking care of Fei Ming.
Leaving was certainly not her choice, but what other options did she have now? Her parents might never acknowledge her again, she had no relatives or friends she could rely on, and Fei Ming's health condition required constant care. Regardless of whether she underwent surgery or not, she would need more and more time to be with and take care of him. Taking leave from the fabric shop again and again was not a long-term solution.
Yesterday, the hospital urged payment for Fei Ming's continued hospitalization and treatment. In desperation, Ju Nian finally found the bank card Han Shu had given her. Ju Nian really didn't want to use Han Shu's money, because it would give Han Shu the illusion that they were now more entangled, which was exactly the kind of entanglement Ju Nian was trying to sever. It was like walking into a long-sealed room and accidentally getting cobwebs all over your hands and face. The cobwebs were transparent, invisible, and not necessarily tangible, but she could feel the sticky and uncomfortable feeling. She pulled and pulled, but could never reach them, as if she had once again become a helpless insect struggling in the web.
She was willing to admit she wasn't magnanimous or open-minded enough. So much time had passed; what couldn't she just laugh it off? But she simply couldn't let go of the resentment and curses directed at Han Shu, nor could she convince herself to stop blaming him for the past suffering. Ju Nian believed in fate; she believed Han Shu was merely a hand that pushed fate along its path. But not hating didn't mean she could erase the memories. Whenever she saw his face, Ju Nian couldn't help but think: he's alive, but where is the little monk? No matter how she tried to console herself, she couldn't shake the feeling of unease. But what lay before her was Ming's health, even his life. Compared to that, could anything else really be so important?
Ju Nian didn't expect that after hearing her reasons for resigning, the manager wouldn't agree, but only said that he would give her an indefinite leave, and she could come back whenever the leave ended.
Overwhelmed with gratitude, Ju Nian rushed back to the hospital without even listening to her colleagues' sympathetic greetings. It was almost noon, and she didn't have time to cook. She had also missed the hospital's meal order, so she had to find a relatively clean fast food restaurant nearby and buy two boxed meals.
As soon as Ju Nian walked outside the ward, she smelled a strong aroma of chicken soup. She thought it was made by the grandmother of the child in bed number eight next door. But when she pushed the door open, she saw three people sitting around Fei Ming's bed.
Ju Nian's first reaction was surprise. Who else would come to see Fei Ming? But a few seconds later, she suddenly realized that those were three "whos," and the young man standing there was none other than Wang Nian. Xie Maohua sat on the side of the bed, while Ju Nian's mother held a thermos of soup in one hand and used a spoon to feed Fei Ming with the other. They hadn't seen each other for a long time, and Ju Nian was so surprised that she couldn't recognize her own flesh and blood relatives at first glance.
She didn't know how her parents and Wang Nian had learned about Fei Ming's illness, or why they had come. Caught off guard, she could only stand blankly at the door, unsure how to react. Xie Maohua and his wife, along with Wang Nian, also noticed her return. They were taken aback and slowly stood up, all looking at her at the same time.
Perhaps everyone has noticed how difficult it is to utter the first sentence.
"Auntie, my parents-in-law and uncle have come to see me." Fei Ming swallowed the soup in her mouth and timidly broke the awkward silence among the four adults. Ju Nian saw a mixture of flattery and trepidation on the child's face. Fei Ming had only met her "parents-in-law" and "uncle" once, almost two years ago. At that time, she was overjoyed to hear that she could meet her aunt's family, who were her own family. But that meeting ended coldly with the adults parting on bad terms, and since then, Fei Ming had never heard any news about these "family members" from her aunt. At first, she asked a few times, but Ju Nian always dodged the question with evasive answers, and later she stopped mentioning it altogether. Ju Nian thought that a child this age would quickly forget these people and these events, but she didn't expect that Fei Ming would remember them all, even the eagerness in her eyes for seeing relatives was exactly the same as before.
"Dad, Mom, Wang Nian..." Not only people, but even the titles have become unfamiliar.
Xie Maohua remained silent. Xie's mother put down the soup in her hand, tried on her pants with both hands, and seemed a little uneasy. "I heard the child was sick, so I made a stew of American ginseng and old chicken to nourish his body."
Fei Ming looked at Ju Nian and said, "Yes, Auntie, Grandma's soup is very delicious."
Ju Nian quietly hid the cold lunchbox on the table behind her, smiled at Fei Ming, and said, "Really? Then Fei Ming should drink more... Have you thanked your father-in-law and uncle yet?"
“I forgot, thank you, sir…”
"No need, no need, we just happened to be there."
"Aunt, Father-in-law said it's not necessary."
"Feiming, you should ask your parents-in-law to sit down."
Upon hearing this, Xie Maohua and his wife sat back down. Xie's mother touched the child's hand and said, "This child is very clever and sensible. Your aunt has raised you well."
As they spoke, Ju Nian poured water into paper cups and silently handed them to the three of them. When the cups were placed in front of Xie Maohua, she lowered her head slightly, not daring to look directly at her father, who had been strict with her since childhood.
Xie Maohua took the cup, seemingly a little embarrassed. He cleared his throat, hesitated for a moment, and then said to Feiming, "Feiming, please thank your aunt on behalf of your father-in-law."
Fei Ming's eyes lingered on the adults. She didn't understand why these adults, who were so close, had to rely on her to relay their messages. How could she, at such a young age, possibly understand the emotions that had been buried for eleven years and the estrangement that had lasted for twenty-nine years?
Ju Nian took the soup from her mother and slowly continued feeding Fei Ming. She tried to smile at her three relatives, but after the smiles, they could only exchange polite "please sit down," "thank you," and "you're welcome," nothing more. Even on the bus back, Ju Nian thought as if in a dream that if she were an ordinary woman, if she had relatives to help take care of her, perhaps she wouldn't feel so helpless today. But now, her estranged parents and brother had suddenly appeared beside her, and besides embarrassment and unease, she felt nothing else.
Ju Nian was afraid they would notice the slight tremor in her voice as she picked up the soup, and she even breathed cautiously. She had never been able to be willful and unrestrained around her parents; instead, she was a child who was always afraid of making a mistake. Even though she had tried her best to be obedient and well-behaved back then, she still couldn't help but end up disappointing them completely, so her closest relatives resolutely abandoned her in her most helpless moment. She had lived alone all these years, and even now, deep down she already considered herself an orphan.
"Auntie, I'm going to throw up if I drink any more." Before she knew it, Ju Nian had fed Fei Ming half a pot of chicken soup. Fei Ming spoke up awkwardly in the unusual silence. Ju Nian then put down the soup as if she had just woken up from a dream and wiped Fei Ming's mouth with a tissue. "Lie down for a bit. There's only one more bottle of IV fluid left."
Fei Ming closed his eyes, then opened them again. "Auntie, are my parents-in-law leaving?"
Xie's mother smiled and said, "Go to sleep. Let your aunt talk to you." After saying that, she whispered to Ju Nian, "Come out for a moment. I have a few questions for you."
Xie Wangnian stayed by Feiming's side, while Xie Maohua and his wife walked with Ju Nian to the outside of the ward. Ju Nian deliberately took a few steps towards the end of the corridor to avoid the doorway.
"Dad, Mom..." They had said they would never have a daughter like her again, so Ju Nian felt apprehensive as she uttered those two words. As usual when she was nervous, she twisted her hands behind her back. "I didn't expect you to come... Thank you for coming to see Fei Ming."
Mother Xie sighed, "How could she have gotten such a disease? I really don't know what sins she committed."
When Ju Nian heard the word "sin," she felt a pang of sadness and lowered her head in silence.
Seeing this, Xie's mother tugged at Ju Nian's sleeve and lowered her voice, "I have a question for you. What's going on between you and Han Shu, the youngest son of Dean Han?"
Ju Nian thought to herself, "It really was him."
"He sent you here?"
"I'm asking you what's going on between you and him? Why would he suddenly care so much about you for no reason?"
“Then I should thank him for his concern,” Ju Nian murmured.
Seeing her daughter's indifferent expression, Xie's mother seemed a little anxious. "Don't play dumb. Your father and I aren't blind. We can tell what he means from that look. I'm just wondering, when you were in school, didn't he call and you lied and say he was calling to ask about your homework? You've never told the truth since you were little!"
"Since what I said isn't the truth, then tell me what you've figured out?"
"I'll only ask you one question: is the child lying inside yours with the youngest son of the Han family?"
Her mother's direct question made Ju Nian blush instantly. She could only shake her head repeatedly, denying it in a trembling voice, "No...no...absolutely not..."
"If he wasn't your son, would you be so determined to raise him? If he had nothing to do with you, would you be so heartbroken? Ju Nian, you've been lying to me all these years? In front of me and your father, you dare to say you have nothing to do with him?"
Ju Nian bit her lip tightly, but what she said was resolute: "I and Fei Ming have absolutely no connection with Han Shu."
Mother Xie stamped her foot, "If it's not the youngest son of the Han family, could it be... could it be that short-lived Wu..."
"You can't talk to him like that!" Ju Nian suddenly interrupted her mother. Faced with her usually mild-mannered daughter's outburst, Xie's mother seemed to be taken aback and remained silent for a long time. Ju Nian lowered her head for a moment, tears still falling. She turned her face away, her voice pleading, "Mom, don't worry about it, this is my business."
"You've always been stubborn and inflexible since you were little. Look at the mess you've made of yourself! Let's not dwell on the past. Han Shu is still treating you well, so why are you being so foolish? Don't you know your own limitations? I'm a woman too, you can't live like this forever!"
Xie Maohua, who had been silent until now, finally spoke up, "If he really does something to you... Ju Nian, Ju Nian, what more do you want? We're old now, we can't control you anymore..."
Ju Nian wept silently, inexplicably recalling the firecracker paper that blanketed the alleyway in front of her house when the college entrance exam results were released—a sea of red. That was the only time in her memory that her parents smiled for her; back then, their hair was still full of black, but now their temples were streaked with gray. She too had dreamed of becoming their pride, but ultimately, she had become their greatest shame. Regardless of the cause or effect of the past, she wasn't a good child, still causing them so much worry—but wasn't the feeling of being cared for long forgotten?
“Listen to us. In terms of talent and status, how is Han Shu unworthy of you? I don’t care if that child is yours or his. He has feelings for you. What more could you ask for?”
"Mom, I'm with him..."
“Even if you don’t think about yourself, think about your brother. You know Wangnian is driving for Dean Han now, right? Your brother didn’t study much, so it wasn’t easy for him to find this job. It’s only because the Han family remembers us that your father heard recently that the High Court has one or two openings for permanent positions. As long as Han Shu is willing to help, Dean Han from their family…”
Ju Nian looked up at her biological parents with a puzzled expression.
"Wang Nian is driving for the Han family? Is that a quota for him to get a permanent position?" She seemed to understand.
She just stared at them, as if they were two strangers. But they weren't strangers, were they? Wang Nian—so their whole family had come to visit the ailing Fei Ming, going to such lengths to match her with Han Shu, all for Wang Nian's sake. The pitiful warmth and感动 that Ju Nian had just pitifully felt cooled away, died, and rotted away…
Ju Nian thought, why do people feel disappointed? Isn't it because we often harbor unrealistic hopes? So, the greatest sorrow is a heart that refuses to give up. In that instant, she felt that despair is sometimes a good thing, at least she wouldn't make the same mistake again.
"The Han family is a respectable family with strict family discipline. We trust you and Han Shu."
Ju Nian stopped crying, and with tears in her eyes, she laughed, "Dad, do you really think that a respectable family like the Han family would let their son date someone like me?"
Xie Maohua was speechless for a moment.
Xie's mother immediately took it, "That's a matter for the future. As long as you two have a good relationship and he treats you well..."
"So even if he doesn't marry me, it doesn't matter, as long as he can help Wangnian get a formal marriage?"
Peel back those layers of tender affection, and let's be frank, it's really that simple, just like that. Everyone says there are no parents in the world who don't love their children—that's the biggest lie of all.
Neither Xie Maohua nor his wife spoke again; this silent acquiescence made them both feel awkward.