Qin Shi Huang started off very high, listening to music directly on an MP4 player and becoming fascinated with the camera function. This time, he couldn't contain his curiosity and insisted on asking me about it. Before I could answer him, Jing Ke had already explained it using his "little person" theory. Qin Shi Huang was half-convinced and finally pulled Jing Ke aside to study him. I reckon that after spending a year with Jing Ke, his intelligence will successfully drop to the level of a 5-year-old.
Baozi is working the night shift this week, and as I expected, she didn't object at all. She's a woman who enjoys lively conversations, and she seems to get along quite well with Qin Shi Huang.
The situation is excellent.
After lunch that day, I went downstairs to sit, while Baozi went back to his room to lie down for a while. Around 3 PM, he got up and said there was no toilet paper in the bathroom and asked me to go buy some. I took a leisurely stroll out, walked halfway down the street, bought a roll of toilet paper, and then slowly wandered back. I went into the pawn shop and upstairs, and saw that Qin Shi Huang and Jing Ke were both sleeping in their respective rooms; my bedroom was empty. I called out to Baozi a few times, but no one answered. I pushed the bathroom door, and it was locked from the inside.
I knocked twice impatiently and said, "What's with the lock? It's me." There was still no response. I knocked twice more, saying, "We're an old married couple, open the door already. I need to put down the paper and go downstairs to check on the shop." Still, no one answered.
In a fit of anger, I casually lifted the calendar hanging on the toilet door—you probably haven't forgotten that Jing Ke once poked a huge hole in this door.
Then I saw a—butt.
Sigh, I know, I know. No beautiful woman ever shows her butt first. Even if she's been ruthlessly violated and needs a hero to save her, at most her clothes will be disheveled, and at worst, her breasts will be half-exposed.
But I did see a buttock first, and then I saw a beautiful woman in ancient costume sitting on the toilet urinating. She was already very nervous because of my knocking, and now that the door was suddenly wide open and a man was staring straight at her buttocks, she was so terrified that she forgot to do anything and just sat there, only instinctively covering her mouth.
I was really embarrassed, and then I said something that I'm quite impressed with myself: "Want some tissues?"
After saying that, I put the paper down by the door and hurriedly ran downstairs. My fragile little heart was pounding. After calming down for a while, I couldn't help but think of that butt again (!), it looked so white and smooth. If I could hold it in my hands and do some rear-entry... plus that girl in her ancient costume, imagining her breathing and appearance, that kind of thing was just too much! I don't even know when she became friends with Baozi.
Wait a minute! Why is Baozi's friend wearing ancient costume?
Rehearsing a play? You don't need to bring your costume home to rehearse a play!
Then a face that looked incredibly smug suddenly flashed into my mind—Liu Laoliu, it was definitely him! Could this...ancient-dressed beauty in her anus be my third client?
Chapter Seven: Li Shishi
As I was lost in thought, the beautiful woman in ancient costume gracefully descended the stairs, her face still flushed. She bowed deeply to me and said in a soft, gentle voice, "Shishi greets the master of the fairyland."
No doubt about it, it's definitely a newcomer brought in by Liu Laoliu. But where's this old charlatan? And why is this girl named Shishi in my toilet? Where did Baozi go?
I didn't have time to ask so many questions. I just felt that I had heard the name "Shishi" somewhere before. In my haste, I forgot how to address women in ancient times. MM? Beautiful lady?
I don't know what possessed me, but I blurted out, "What is your surname, young lady?"
...Then I immediately thought of someone: Gao Yanei with a lewd grin, and then I remembered someone from the same dynasty, and couldn't help but say, "Li Shishi?"
Li MM covered her mouth and giggled: "Exactly."
Oh my god, that smile is so seductive, it's beyond words. No wonder she came from a family of prostitutes. Guo Degang once said that prostitutes are all women with skills (no wonder he wasn't allowed on the Spring Festival Gala). I wonder if people in Li MM's era talked about things like ice and fire, oral sex, and SM...
Seeing me staring at her, Li MM gave an idiotic smile, coughed awkwardly, and said softly, "Thanks to Immortal Liu (Liu Laoliu) for leading me to your esteemed place. I have already paid my respects to the Immortal Queen here and received much care. I did not expect to be so rude to the Master Immortal upon my arrival (blushing as she said this), please forgive me."
Damn, trying to sound sophisticated? I was already familiar with "Jin Ping Mei" when I was 13, first met Mutou Ran when I was 15, and at 17... uh, let's get down to business.
I said with a sly smile, "Don't be so polite with me. I'm not some kind of god. Just call me Brother Qiang from now on. Where are Liu Laoliu and your sister-in-law?"
Li Shishi looked completely bewildered, so I had to rephrase it: "Where are Immortal Liu and the Empress?"
"Master Liu has gone hunting, and the Empress has gone to court."
The so-called "Fairy Queen attending court" was probably just Baozi going to work. But what kind of hunt did Liu Laoliu go on? Fortunately, she added, "Immortal Liu left in a great hurry, saying that a monster called 'China National Petroleum Corporation' had been caught in its trap."
Oh, I see. Liu Laoliu got stuck with his stock investments. Serves him right!
It seems Liu Laoliu brought Li Shishi to see me, but they ran into Baozi who was just about to go to work. Neither of them was free, and Baozi just assumed they were friends. Li Shishi happened to need to use the restroom, so Baozi shoved her into the toilet and ran off. I guess Baozi also helped lock it—Baozi knows me best.
I then realized that I was sitting on the sofa with my legs crossed, and Li MM was standing there respectfully. I almost blurted out, "Come on, sing a song for me..." I figured even Emperor Huizong of Song back then wasn't this arrogant.
I patted the sofa: "Sit down, girl. Don't be shy with anyone here. This is a place for you to enjoy yourself. In my territory, you can do whatever you want except murder and arson."
Li Shishi exclaimed excitedly, "Does that mean I won't have to play the flute anymore?"
I said, sweating profusely, "...Of course, you can blow it if you want, or not if you don't. Science proves that using that thing isn't hygienic..."
Fortunately, Li Shishi didn't understand what I was saying. She said, "You know that the flute is wrapped with garlic membrane, and I can't stand that smell."
Ah, ideas, ideas, comrades!
Just then, Jing Ke, shuffling down the stairs in his slippers, rubbed his sleepy eyes and held out his hand to me: "Give me money, I'll go buy batteries." Li Shishi politely bowed to him. Jing Ke, looking rather foolish, asked, "New here?" I quickly introduced them. When Li Shishi learned that the person before her was Jing Ke, the assassin of Qin, her eyes lit up, and she bowed deeply again: "I never imagined I would meet the valiant Jing Ke here; it is truly an honor. In my humble heart, you are the greatest hero of all time."
Then I heard Fatty Ying's voice from upstairs: "What are you talking about? Just because someone's a hero doesn't mean they deserve to die!" Fatty Ying rushed downstairs, glaring at Li Shishi with displeasure. Li Shishi looked at me in confusion, so I had no choice but to introduce him to her: "Qin Shi Huang, from now on you can call him Brother Ying."
Li Shishi was embarrassed for a few seconds, then laughed and said, "To call Brother Jing a hero is to praise his fearlessness in the face of the powerful Qin, his keeping of his word, his disregard for his own life, and his willingness to risk his life alone. His Majesty is also a hero, unifying China with a spirit that can swallow mountains and rivers." How cunning!
Qin Shi Huang was pleased and said, "You're quite the chatterbox, woman. What country were you from before? I've never seen you before." I quickly replied, "She was born 1000 years after you died. Her husband was in the same profession as you." Jing Ersha wasn't interested in their conversation at all and stretched out his hand, saying, "Give me money."
I think I'm starting to get confused. My first thought was that Liu Laoliu kept cramming people into my care, and not just any people, but people of all genders and from different eras. At this rate, I can hardly predict whether the next person to come to me will be Zhao Kuangyin, Nurhaci, or perhaps Fan Lihua? Wang Baochai?
I gave Jing Ke two coins to send him away, and said to Qin Shi Huang, "Take your sister upstairs to play—don't you dare bully her."
As I said, Baozi is actually a very kind person. Although she didn't know why Li Shishi was wandering around the streets in an ancient costume, she had already prepared a set of clothes for her.
When Li MM came downstairs again, she was wearing sandals that revealed her rounded toes. Her long jeans accentuated her maddening figure, and she wore a very cute Hello Kitty short-sleeved T-shirt. And then... a bra! That familiar-looking lace-trimmed bra clung to Li Shishi's body, making her look like a sexy succubus from an online game promotional image. If she held up a fork or something, she would look even more like her.
My head hit the coffee table and bounced a few times. I just can't understand why people in ancient times had this fetish for wearing underwear as outerwear. Li Shishi, with an IQ of at least 150, turned around and scrutinized herself after seeing my reaction, asking, "Is something wrong?"
I could only clasp my hands together in front of my chest and stammer, "This... is worn inside."
Li Shishi took off her bra, examined it suspiciously, and murmured, "No wonder it's so tight (it seems she's a size bigger than Baozi)." Only then did she realize I was still there, exclaimed "Ah!", and hurriedly ran upstairs with a blush on her face.
I was actually quite depressed to be left alone. First of all, I realized that my relationship with Liu Laoliu was like a tree that wants to be still but the wind won't stop (this phrase is very apt here). I never knew if he would appear in the next second, or who would be following behind him.
Secondly, I'm having a hard time explaining this to Baozi. I haven't figured out how to introduce Li MM to her yet. Don't be fooled by her kindness towards Li Shishi; that's just how she always is with outsiders. I even suspect that if someone wanted to kill her whole family, as long as it wasn't me, she'd greet them with a smile. I must admit, I sometimes have some lewd thoughts about beautiful women, but I assure you, they're just thoughts. Baozi's intimidating presence is like a firewall many times stronger than Kaspersky, nipping those thoughts in the bud. She told me in a very natural and calm tone that if I dared to betray her, I would immediately become the first person in modern times qualified to practice the "Sunflower Manual." We have reason to believe she has that ability and confidence.
The last question is very practical: how should the five of us sleep tonight? Of course, I have the best solution: Li MM and I will share a room, Baozi will have a single room, and Jing Ersha and Ying Pangzi will share a room.