Tang Ye spoke slowly and deliberately, without emphasizing who "he" was, but Ju Nian understood perfectly. Even without looking, she could sense the melancholy smile on the man's lips.
“I think maybe the moon and the rain are real. It’s just that we choose to remember different things. I’m not a pure person. I need the approval of others and I’m afraid of being looked at with strange eyes. So, even if there was a lot of happiness that night, I could never enjoy it with a clear conscience. But he was different. He loved far more bravely than I did.”
After listening to him finish speaking, Ju Nian murmured, "I know what you mean. Many years ago, I had... a companion. I was walking a particularly terrifying road alone, but he couldn't accompany me. He said he would be watching over me from somewhere, so I wouldn't be afraid. And I really wasn't afraid. Later, he confessed to me that he had accidentally dozed off that time... I said, it's okay, in my heart, he's always been watching over me, always watching... I believe that, and that's enough..."
The two of them lay quietly on the reclined seats of the old car, their eyes tightly closed like children, while the mournful chirping of insects reached their ears in the distance.
"Do you believe me? I'm torn every day. Stay with him, don't worry about tomorrow, just enjoy the present moment... Leave him, live a normal life, get married and have children. Happiness that's filled with fear isn't real happiness, it's like an opium addiction."
"Is finding a woman enough?" Ju Nian opened her eyes, only to unexpectedly meet Tang Ye's gaze.
Tang Ye laughed. "No, I want to find a woman who shares my interests, kick my drug addiction, and truly live my life together. I don't want a shield; I want a woman who can try out another possibility of happiness with me."
"So, did you find it?"
"Maybe, I don't know."
Ju Nian let out a long sigh of relief. Her body seemed to float on the water, flat and slowly sinking to the bottom.
Some say that people are like fish, and life is like water; you just swim along. But on her surface, the reflections are all too clear.
She repeated what she had said before: "I'm a woman who's been to prison."
After a long silence, Tang Ye replied from beside him, "I am a man who has loved men."
Chapter Eight: Even if we meet again, we may not recognize each other.
"Auntie, don't you like Uncle Han Shu?"
"Hmm... ah?"
As Ju Nian pushed her shopping cart among the dazzling array of goods on the supermarket shelves, she racked her brains trying to remember what exactly she had remembered buying before leaving the house: kitchen cleaner? Or a dishcloth? Fei Ming, who was following behind her, blurted out a question out of the blue, leaving her momentarily stunned and unable to react.
"I'm asking, do you not like Uncle Han Shu, Auntie?" Fei Ming adjusted his backpack straps, quickened his pace, and, together with Ju Nian, held the shopping cart, asking again relentlessly. Fei Ming had grown very quickly, almost as tall as Ju Nian's shoulder. Ju Nian looked around for a while, realizing that it was becoming increasingly difficult to evade some of the tricky questions.
"Uncle Han Shu...no, how could that be?" Ju Nian denied, only to realize when she looked down at the shopping cart that Fei Ming had secretly put a lot of expensive and unhealthy junk food into the cart while she was distracted. She shook her head and put them back one by one.
Fei Ming clutched the last box of chocolates tightly, his mouth still pounding. "You're lying, I don't think you like Uncle Han Shu."
Ju Nian glanced at Fei Ming. "Did he tell you that?"
Fei Ming initially nodded, then shook his head repeatedly: "Uncle Han Shu keeps asking me about you, but you've never mentioned him to me."
Ju Nian understood that she couldn't explain her relationship with Han Shu to a child who was only ten years old. She simply said, "Auntie and Uncle Han Shu knew each other in the past, but they haven't been in contact for a very long time. Besides, Auntie likes Fei Ming, and Uncle Han Shu also likes Fei Ming, so that's fine."
"So if you don't dislike Uncle Han Shu, then you must like him?" Fei Ming asked innocently.
Ju Nian made up her mind that she couldn't let her child watch so many TV dramas anymore. "Not liking something doesn't mean you like it," she explained patiently, only to find that her explanation was so convoluted that even she felt dizzy.
“Then Uncle Han Shu was right, you don’t like him.” Fei Ming pouted. “No wonder he hasn’t been picking me up lately, and he doesn’t take me out to play much.”
Hearing this, Ju Nian slowed her pace. She didn't know why Han Shu would say such things to a child, but she had indeed rarely seen his car picking up Fei Ming lately. Actually, this wasn't necessarily a bad thing; it made her long speech and tears that day worthwhile. Ju Nian had long since passed the stage of crying over the past. She didn't know what had happened that night; Han Shu was like a time bomb, and even the peaceful memories buried deep within her had to be protected from his sudden explosion. Fortunately, his past was just a temporary lapse in judgment; once he understood, it was over. Everyone returned to their places, and peace prevailed; her life would return to its tranquil state.
“It’s almost the end of the year, everyone’s busy. You’re still busy rehearsing for the school’s Spring Festival Gala, and Uncle Han Shu is busy with work too,” she comforted Fei Ming.
Fei Ming scratched his head and asked pitifully, "Auntie, is Uncle Han Shu really not my father?"
The child was actually quite clever. Without waiting for Ju Nian to shake her head, after this period of contact, she vaguely sensed that although Uncle Han was good to her, the possibility of him being her biological father was extremely slim. She could only settle for second best and hope that the adult she liked would have another intimate relationship with her.
"If he weren't my father, could he not be my uncle?"
Ju Nian said in a serious tone, "If children meddle in adults' affairs and act as matchmakers haphazardly, they will end up like the matchmakers on TV, with a big black mole growing on their lips."
The vain Fei Ming quickly covered her mouth, her voice muffled through her fingers: "When I grow up, I'll marry Uncle Han Shu myself."
"Then you'd better start eating less chocolate from now on." Ju Nian found it a bit funny and put the things in Fei Ming's hands back on the shelf.
"Anyway, I'm going to marry a lot of people when I grow up, so I won't end up like you, Auntie."
Ju Nian smiled and stopped arguing with the child. The 11-year-old girl already knew that living alone was a sin. But she was used to it.
That day, Ju Nian understood Tang Ye's somewhat sudden hint, but she didn't respond. Through the windshield of Tang Ye's car, she watched the sky turn from dark blue to pale blue, then had him stop at the intersection a bus stop away from her home, and waved goodbye. Putting aside Tang Ye's "special" aspects, he was truly a wonderful person. But so what? Even if he only liked women, there were so many good people and things in the world; was she a museum of rare treasures?
A few days later, Fei Ming was to lead a dance at the school's Spring Festival gala. The dance was one she knew very well from back then: "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs." She still remembered that time when she mistakenly held the hand of one of the dwarfs. That was a long, long time ago. As generations of children have grown old, only fairy tales remain forever young.
Fei Ming was, of course, the actress playing Snow White. The stage costumes were arranged by the school teachers, but she insisted that Ju Nian buy her some pretty little hair clips so that she could wear them on the day of the performance. They would be sparkly and look so beautiful.
A small shelf selling girls' accessories was near the checkout counter. Fei Ming was engrossed in browsing, looking at the colorful hair clips. She thought they were all beautiful and didn't know which to choose. Just as she was about to ask her aunt to buy her a few more, she looked up and realized that her aunt had been lost in thought again, seemingly looking at something.
Fei Ming followed her aunt's gaze and saw that it was just an ordinary cashier counter, nothing special—no, no, no, the aunt waiting to pay was really pretty, and her clothes were nice too. What attracted Fei Ming the most was that the shopping cart behind the aunt was piled up like a small mountain, with many things she had looked at but never dared to buy.
The same scene evoked completely different feelings in Ju Nian's eyes. She hadn't seen Chen Jiejie for almost ten years. Now a wife and mother, Chen Jiejie was a bit plumper than before, her skin was fairer, her clothes were elegant, and her charm was as undiminished as ever. Even in a bustling supermarket, she was a bright spot that could stand out from the crowd at first glance.
The people in front of her were paying their bills, but Chen Jiejie wasn't in a hurry. She smiled and turned back to playfully tease the baby being held by the woman who looked like a nanny. Her appearance hadn't changed much, but her eyes had. The restlessness beneath her once refined face had transformed into the serenity of a young woman. She had always been fortunate, experiencing a passionate love in her youth and a stable life in adulthood. She savored the same experience without regrets, while others reaped unspeakable consequences, even those consequences bearing her indelible mark.
Ju Nian had to admit that she had envied her at times.
At this moment, a man of similar age to Chen Jiejie walked over to them from the other end carrying a lot of snacks and stacked them on the shopping cart, which was already almost full.
"Are you here to rob the supermarket?" Ju Nian heard Chen Jiejie jokingly ask the man with a smile.
The man was just as handsome as her, and they looked like a perfect match. He seemed to say something, but Ju Nian didn't hear it clearly. She only saw Chen Jiejie giggle, and the child in the nanny's arms also waved his arms and legs.
"Auntie, how many hair clips can I buy?" Fei Ming, who was standing to the side, asked impatiently, tugging at his aunt's sleeve.
"Huh?" Just as Ju Nian came back to her senses, she noticed that Chen Jiejie, who had been turning her head to face her husband and son, had unexpectedly glanced over. Ju Nian was startled, but the gaze swept over her without any reaction, and Chen Jiejie turned her head down to look at the snacks her husband had just brought over.
She stared silently for several seconds before slowly putting down what she was holding. Turning away with extreme hesitation, she gazed at Ju Nian, then at Fei Ming. The disbelief and shock welling in her eyes made Ju Nian worry that she might do something drastic, unable to bear the weight of her emotions. After all, their features were so similar; even the slightest difference revealed a completely different, unforgettable image. The oblivious child was intently trying on hair clips in the supermarket mirror, trying to figure out which pair would make her look more like Snow White, oblivious to the growing tears welling in the adult's eyes.
Ju Nian lowered her head thoughtfully, but she did not deliberately avoid Chen Jiejie's eyes. She had not wronged anyone, nor did she intend to bother or make things difficult for anyone, so it was not her place to back down at this moment.
"What's wrong with you?" The cashier had finished bagging the items that Chen Jiejie and her family had purchased. The man next to her took the child from the nanny and also noticed his wife's unusual behavior.
"It's nothing." Chen Jiejie, as if waking from a dream, took her husband's arm and smiled with red eyes, "I just saw those little hair clips and suddenly remembered how much I liked them when I was a child. If I wear them on my head now, people will probably think I'm crazy."
The man chuckled and turned to look at her. "When did you become so nostalgic? It's a good thing you had a son. If it were a daughter, you would have dressed her up with all those colorful things..."
As the family walked further and further away, Fei Ming finally chose his two favorite pairs of hair clips. Ju Nian breathed a sigh of relief and put his arm around the child's shoulder. "Alright, alright, let's go home."
Even Fei Ming noticed that Han Shu was gradually distancing himself from their lives as aunt and niece. In fact, Han Shu was genuinely afraid. The encounter on Christmas Eve gave him a strong sense of defeat, but this defeat was less due to Xie Junian's unyielding nature and more due to his own actions.
He had never felt such profound helplessness. He desperately wanted to keep her, yet he didn't know what to do after she stayed; he felt many things were wrong, but he couldn't find a reason to refute her; he had something to say, the words seemed to be deep in his throat, about to be uttered, but then they vanished. He thought his compensation was Xie Junian's redemption, but as she walked away step by step, he realized he was more like a pitiful creature yearning for something he couldn't have.
After Ju Nian left, Han Shu drove Chief Prosecutor Cai home. His godmother was getting old and her health wasn't good, and Han Shu was worried about her. The usually close mother and son sat in the car together, but for the first time, they fell into an awkward silence. Now, thinking back, since Ju Nian went to prison, Han Shu and Chief Prosecutor Cai had never mentioned a word about her to each other. They were in the same boat, each burying that past deep in their own way. There were many things that shouldn't be said, and didn't want to be said, as if saying them would be a mistake.
The car was parked downstairs at Prosecutor Cai's residence; she was the one who drove it first.
"Han Shu, deep down you resent your godmother, don't you?"
Han Shu turned off the engine and took out the car keys. "You should go upstairs and rest. I'll take a taxi home myself."
“Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t stopped you, would things have been better or worse.”
"Please keep the key safe."
“My godmother isn’t a cold-blooded animal; she’s a beautiful young girl. I never thought of sending her to jail back then… Alas, what a twist of fate! Ever since then, every time I take on a case, I repeatedly remind myself not to make the mistake of being too confident and negligent. If I’m not careful, I could ruin a promising future.”
"Please stop talking. You almost had a seizure today, and you look terrible. It's getting late, and I'm a little tired too."
“I didn’t want to bring this up, but she’s come knocking on my door now. Han Shu, I don’t want either of you or Tang Ye to get hurt. You can blame me…”
"I blame myself, not anyone else. It has nothing to do with you, okay? Okay!" Han Shu shouted, startling himself. He froze for a moment, then dejectedly covered his face with his hands, no longer caring about losing his composure in front of his elders.
"Actually, this has nothing to do with you from the start. You have no grudge against her. If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have gotten involved in that mess. I'm not a heartless person; I know all that. If I resent you, what would I be?" Han Shu tried to make up for his sudden loss of composure with his gradually calming tone, but his words, delivered slowly, were filled with sorrow. "I just thought, if you hadn't interfered with me back then, if you had let me go to jail, or if you had let the old man beat me to death, everyone would be better off now... At least when she looked at me... when she looked at me..."
Han Shu didn't continue speaking. He reached out and rummaged through the cigarettes and lighter that Cai Jian had hidden in the storage compartment. He finally managed to light one, took a deep drag, and choked as the spicy taste spread into his lungs.
“I don’t know how she got together with your adopted son, but don’t think the worst. This is just weird. But she may not know about your relationship with Tang Ye, and she definitely didn’t come looking for you because of the past.”
"How can you be so sure?" It's no wonder that Prosecutor Cai was so confident; she had seen too much evil, and Ju Nian's complete lack of desire made it impossible for her to believe it.
Because I so desperately want her to come to me, to ask for the money she owed me back then, or anything else.
Unfortunately, she refused to accept anything. How could she refuse everything?
Han Shu did not say these words aloud.
Having lived most of her life, Cai Jian was already a shrewd and calculating person. She had been surprised by Han Shu's intentions at first, but seeing his distraught appearance, she thought about it more deeply and understood most of it. She quickly took the cigarette from his hand and threw it out the window.
"Han Shu, you've been obsessed with her for eleven years and you still can't get over it? No way! You're such a good kid, and you go crazy the moment you see her. The past is one thing, but now… even if there's nothing between her and A-Ye, the fact that you're with her, plus your father finding out about the past… this is… this is absolutely unacceptable. A-Ye can't be with her either…"
Cai Jianguang felt uneasy as he thought about it, but Han Shu was touched by a certain word in her words and was stunned.
He told himself it was to make amends. But his godmother said it was "obsession"!
The scenario he never dared to imagine was described through his godmother's still-frightened words: he led her to stand in front of Dean Han... Thinking of this, even the scene of the old man beating him up didn't seem so scary anymore, and he even looked forward to it a little.
This is insane!
"I...I'm going back now. There are a lot of people tonight, and it'll be hard to get a taxi if it gets late." Han Shu pushed open the car door and hurriedly got out, feeling his face burning even more as the cold wind blew.
Chapter Nine: Never Forget
With New Year's Day approaching, on the last day of the new year, Han Shu, as usual, went home to his parents' house for dinner to bid farewell to the old year and welcome the new with his family.
Han Shu was most afraid of his parents' nagging, so he planned to deliberately dawdle until dinner time before appearing at the table. However, his mother called early in the morning, saying that she had arranged to meet his sister Han Lin on the other side of the ocean for a family reunion via video call, and asked him to come back early so as not to be late.
Han Shu and his older sister have a good relationship. Because Dean Han has always refused to bow down to his daughter, and Han Lin hasn't returned to China in recent years, Han Shu usually accompanies his mother to fly over to visit her every year or two. Having not seen her for so long, he missed her a bit, so he rushed home after work.
He arrived home a little earlier than Dean Han. A meal prepared by Dean Han's mother was already ready, just waiting for the father and son to sit down.
Dean Han, seeing his son, was also annoyed. He put down his briefcase and snorted, "Prosecutor Han, you've taken time out of your busy schedule to visit elderly people living alone?"
Han Shu made a face at his mother from an angle where his father couldn't see him, but didn't say anything.
After the family of three washed their hands and sat down at the dining table, Han Shu noticed his father's neatly dyed black hair and spotless white cuffs, which were typical of Dean Han's style. However, when the unusually bright tie around Dean Han's neck caught his eye, Han Shu couldn't help but burst out laughing.
"Dad, is this Mickey Mouse tie a New Year's gift from your nursing home?"
Dean Han looked down at his chest, his habitually serious face flushing slightly. He loosened his collar, cleared his throat twice, and indicated that he couldn't be bothered to pay attention.
Han's mother laughed and playfully tapped her son's hand with the tip of her chopsticks, "How can you talk like that... But your father is getting old, and his tastes have become quite strange."
After laughing for a while, Dean Han indeed started talking about the thing that troubled Han Shu the most.
“I’m asking you how your recent cases are going. The handover to the municipal court has been completed, but you’re still lingering at the West City Court. It’s been more than half a year, and you can’t even handle a tiny case properly. I don’t know how Cai Yilin taught you.”
Han Shu couldn't help but feel wronged, "Was this what I wanted? Dad, don't underestimate this case, I think there's more to it than meets the eye."
"Oh?" Dean Han replied casually, sipping his soup.