Luzhou Moon - Chapter 119
The sunset in winter comes especially quickly, and by the time she walked through the peach grove, the last rays of twilight had turned into the dark night.
The sky was vast and the mountains and fields were desolate. Fine snowflakes drifted in the wind and landed on her cheeks.
She didn't know how she ended up in front of the small courtyard in the mountain valley again. She felt as if she were being pulled by some force, and before she knew it, she was standing outside the bamboo fence. All around was deathly silence and darkness. The ground inside and outside the courtyard was covered with withered branches and fallen leaves. The once clean and tidy courtyard was now overgrown with vines that no one cared for. Even under the tall pear tree, unknown weeds had grown.
The bamboo fence that she and Tang Yanchu had once repaired was in disrepair; some sections had collapsed, whether from the wind and rain or from a pre-existing state. The remaining bamboo fence was intertwined with overgrown weeds, swaying slightly in the cold wind and creaking softly.
The snowflakes gradually thickened, and the wind howled incessantly, causing the already pale and fragile window paper to tremble. Yue Ruzheng stepped over the collapsed bamboo fence and had just entered the courtyard when a soft sound seemed to come from some corner.
She hesitated, stopping in her tracks, carefully discerning the direction of the sound in the wind and snow, before turning around. The place was the former kitchen, but it was pitch black, completely dark, and didn't seem to be inhabited. Yue Ruzheng's heart tightened. She held her breath, shifting slightly to the side, and peered into the dark little house in the dim light.
Behind the half-open wooden door, a shadowy figure sat on the ground, his back to the outside, bent over, seemingly doing something. Yue Ruzheng was facing the constantly opening and closing door, and for a fleeting moment, she caught a glimpse of his profile.
Lian Junchu leaned against the simple table, barefoot in the cold night, holding a worn-out water ladle, bending over and drinking sip by sip. Yue Ruzheng then noticed that there were small drops of water spilled on the ground from the well to the kitchen doorway. She realized he had drawn water himself, then carried the ladle back to the small, barely sheltered hut.
Yue Ruzheng took a deep breath and slowly took a step forward. The people in the house seemed to hear her footsteps, and their bent backs immediately stiffened. She walked to the kitchen doorway. His feet were still barefoot on the muddy ground, and he was holding a water ladle blankly, but his head was lowered, showing no intention of turning around.
Yue Ruzheng gently pushed open the wooden door, and the wind and snow outside swept in, some falling around him and some falling behind him.
She slowly walked to his side, squatted down, and reached out to grasp the water ladle, which still contained some well water. Yue Ruzheng untied the bundle on her back, took out the pastries she had bought at the foot of the mountain, silently opened the paper package, picked up a piece of almond cookie, and whispered, "Are you hungry?" Lian Junchu had never looked at her once from beginning to end, and he was still the same now.
Seeing that he did not answer, Yue Ruzheng, contrary to her usual behavior, did not press him for an answer. Instead, she sat down on the ground, facing him, and began to eat by herself.
She chewed slowly, her mouth filled with bitterness.
"I can't finish this all by myself," Yue Ruzheng said, feigning calmness. "Are you really not going to eat it?"
Lian Junchu kept his head down, his feet firmly planted on the ground, not moving an inch.
After eating for a while, Yue Ruzheng took the water ladle between his feet and drank a mouthful.
Even the well water, which is warm in winter and cool in summer, felt like needles pricking her skin when drunk in the dead of winter. She shivered slightly, hugging her knees, and continued to slowly eat her pastries, reaching for the water ladle again. But this time, Lian Jun Chu hooked her feet tightly around the ladle. Yue Ru Zheng secretly exerted force, and in the struggle, her hand slipped, and she accidentally knocked the ladle over, spilling the remaining water onto Lian Jun Chu's feet.
Yue Ruzheng exclaimed in surprise and hurriedly bent down to dry him off. But he quickly withdrew his feet, straightened up, and knelt in front of her.
"Why did you come here?" Lian Junchu's voice was very low, seemingly devoid of any emotion.
Yue Ruzheng stared at him blankly and said, "Shouldn't this be the question I'm asking?"
He tensed his back, his whole body seemingly in a state of tension and fear, and said in a low voice, "I'm heading back to the island; I got thirsty halfway there."
"Can't you even find water anywhere else?" Yue Ruzheng left him no room for negotiation.
His breathing quickened, and he refused to utter another sound.
A whistling wind whistled through the crack in the door, and the surroundings were dim. Yue Ruzheng looked down at the paper package spread out on the ground; the pastries, which had been warm at first, were now cold. She pushed the package towards him: "I bought these down the mountain, would you like some?"
Lian Junchu silently gazed at the familiar-looking pastries, finally shaking his head: "I don't like these sweet things."
"You're lying to me." Yue Ruzheng smiled, but the smile was very stiff. "You've eaten with me several times before."
Lian Junchu gave a self-deprecating laugh, turning his head to the side and saying, "That was when I lied to you. I've never liked sweet things."
Yue Ruzheng was stunned for a long time before saying in a hoarse voice, "So that's how it is. I don't know anymore..."
"There are many things you haven't asked me, and I haven't told you either." He gazed indifferently out the window, his tone flat.
"Why are you suddenly saying these things?" Yue Ruzheng withdrew her hand and placed it limply on her lap.
Lian Junchu's face was hidden in the darkness. He seemed to smile slightly: "I've told you before, Yue Ruzheng, you don't really understand me at all. In the end, there's really nothing about me that's worth remembering."
"Why did you say that?" Yue Ruzheng didn't understand why he had returned to this state. She felt as if her pursuit had been like throwing herself into the ocean, leaving her with nothing but a shadow. She looked sadly at his feet and said, "Did my master say something to you that made you like this again? Didn't you promise me you would come back to see me?"
He looked up, staring coldly into her eyes, and said, "Don't trust me anymore. I've never been one to keep my promises."
"What nonsense are you talking about?" she shouted angrily, grabbing his shoulders.
"That's just how I am! From beginning to end, I've never been able to take on anything. All I can do is run away! Yue Ruzheng, why do you still remember such a useless person?" Lian Junchu suddenly broke free from her hands and leaned tightly against the corner of the wall.
"You weren't like this before!" Yue Ruzheng slumped to the ground in despair.
"Don't talk about the past anymore." He buried his face in his knees, his voice hoarse.
"Even if things are different from before, it's me who made you change, isn't it?" Yue Ruzheng moved forward a little, getting closer to him.
He turned his face away, as if to resist her approach.
"It has nothing to do with you. I was originally Lian Haichao's son. Perhaps, even without meeting you, I would have eventually left this place, eventually become the island lord, and lived a life of bloodshed and turmoil in the martial world... Those days of gathering herbs are just a memory, a dream. Let's forget them all..."
"What about Xiao Tang, whom I used to know?" She looked sadly into his still dark eyes.
"No more." He slowly shook his head, his eyes devoid of emotion. "Tang Yanchu could not possibly survive in the martial world."
"But I miss him... I want to go with him to gather herbs in the deep mountains, I want to go with him to fish in the cold pool, I want to fetch water with him, cook with him, and eat snacks with him!" Yue Ruzheng's face was covered in tears, her voice trembling. "He promised me he would sew clothes for me someday, and he hasn't done anything yet! How could he just disappear? How could he just vanish? What should I do? I killed him, I destroyed him, so what am I doing here alone?"
Lian Junchu stared at her blankly. She, who had been calm and gentle at first, suddenly couldn't control the tears that welled up in her eyes, and looked very disheveled.
"I told you, it has nothing to do with you!" Lian Junchu lowered his head deeply, suppressing his voice.
"I think it's related!" Yue Ruzheng shouted stubbornly.
"Even if there's a connection, so what?" Lian Junchu stared at her stubbornly. "I'm not the same person I used to be! Why do you keep talking about going back to the past?! What's gone is gone! Just like my hand, I can never find it again, do you understand?!"
"You really don't want to be with me at all?" Yue Ruzheng stared blankly at him, her lips trembling slightly.
Lian Junchu breathed heavily, and after a long while, he said hesitantly, "There's no need."
The hope that Yue Ruzheng had relied on to sustain her all along seemed to collapse with this one sentence.