What else is there to mean? You should have belonged to me from the start, and we should have belonged to each other. But why play this cruel joke, why put so many obstacles in our way? I thought I hid myself well—a wise and intelligent elite in the eyes of strangers, a loyal and devoted man in the eyes of friends, a tolerant and gentle brother in your eyes. But that was only because I hid myself. In reality, I'm just a petty, possessive man who craves your love. I selfishly want to possess you, to keep you hidden from others, to forbid you from smiling at others, and even to prevent you from speaking to others.
But why are you treating me like this? Why are you torturing me like this?
Why? Why?
Qi Hui began to suffer from insomnia. Although he still came to the hospital on time every day, he was more often silent. He would often watch Le Xi silently shed tears, and many times Xiang Xiang was frightened to see him like this and would cry, calling out to him between sobs, "Big Daddy, Big Daddy, don't cry, don't ignore me like Second Daddy did." This made Qi Hui even more distressed, and he almost always needed sleeping pills to fall asleep every night. In order not to cause further harm to the child, Qi Hui entrusted Xiang Xiang to Zi Jie's care. Meanwhile, Chen Song, because of his relationship with Zi Jie, finally had a falling out with his family and returned to City C to resolve the issues at home.
"Lexi, let me tell you, Chen Song is going to confront his family. Wake up and congratulate us, okay? Actually, I'm quite scared. I really didn't expect him to go to this lengths for me… You know, we're also planning to adopt children. Two, but naming them is so difficult. I'm thinking of naming the older one Chen Tianzui and the younger one Chen Tiandu. Do you know why? Because Chen Song is a heavy drinker and a bit of a gambler, which I find quite annoying. So, we named our sons names after the homophones of 'Chengtianzui' and 'Chengtiandu' (meaning 'drunk all day' and 'gambler all day'), so Chen Song won't repeat those mistakes. Hehe… But thinking about the two of us possibly living together in the future, I'm excited, but also a little… how should I put it? A little nervous. Lexi, do you feel the same way?" Zijie stroked Lexi's hair, which had grown to his neck, and whispered to him. He paused at the end, patted Lexi's face, and laughed, "Hey, I'm telling you, don't sleep anymore. If you sleep any longer, you won't get to drink your two godson's birthday wine."
Lexi lay quietly on the bed, ignoring everything.
When I love you the most
In July, Qi Hui turned 30. Because he was in a bad mood, everyone didn't celebrate with him in a big way, but instead had a meal at a hotel. However, Qi Hui still got drunk.
Yang Jingyu drove him home. Although Qi Hui insisted on going to the hospital to be with Le Xi, Yang Jingyu didn't agree to his request because he was too emotional. He dragged him home, threw him on the bed, and only left after seeing that he was asleep. Unexpectedly, no sooner had he left than Qi Hui got dressed and went out.
He went to the garage to get the car; the Smart he'd given Lexi had never driven even once. Qi Hui smiled faintly, started the car, and drove towards the hospital.
As Lexi lay in bed, the intensive care monitor attached to her body was slowly removed. Her condition was under control and she began to recover slowly. Now she no longer needs oxygen intubation or daily IV drips, and she lies in bed like a sleeping child.
Qi Hui staggered towards him, his steps unsteady from the alcohol. Because he was worried the heat would cause Le Xi bedsores, the room was kept cool with the air conditioning on. Qi Hui turned off the air conditioning, walked to the window, and opened it. The cool summer night breeze ruffled the curtains, gently caressing Qi Hui's face and clearing his somewhat dazed eyes.
“Baby, I’m thirty today.” Qi Hui said slowly. “When you turned twenty, I was there with you, but now I have to spend my birthday alone.”
Qi Hui reached out and gently ran his fingers across Le Xi's thin face: "You're a bad child, treating your brother like this."
She cupped his face and placed a kiss on his lips: "Brother, you're thirty years old. How many thirty-year periods does one have in a lifetime? In these thirty years, I didn't meet you until I was sixteen, missing out on fourteen years. Then, I went to study in another city, which took many more years. Now, you're lying in bed ignoring me. The total time we've actually spent together is pitifully short. You're a bad boy, a bad boy..."
Her fingers traced down his beautiful neck, leaving faint marks from the tracheotomy performed during his treatment: "Brother is so lonely now, our parents are gone. It's like wanting to care for your parents but they're no longer there. Shouldn't you bear some responsibility for all of this? Shouldn't you make it up to me? If… well, let's not talk about 'ifs' now. I just want to ask you, if you can't stay with me forever, what should I do? Brother, what should I do? Baby, get up, get up and answer me. You owe me an answer."
Her fingers encircled his neck, a spell, a bond. She tightened her grip, encircling his neck: "Is it because you've never forgiven your brother? Because he abandoned you, so now you have to pay for it? Watching you flirt with others, being in love with others, wasn't enough? Now you want to punish me like this?"
"Why don't you just die? Why don't you just die? If you had gone with Mom back then, wouldn't I be free now? Wouldn't I have avoided going through all this trouble only to be toyed with like a monkey by you?" Qi Hui tightened his grip, feeling the pulse in Le Xi's carotid artery throbbing beneath his hand. Le Xi's face gradually turned from red to bluish-purple, but her eyes remained tightly closed, completely defiant. "Didn't you say Yang Jingyu was perfect for me? Yes, yes, he's more handsome and smarter than you, unlike you, who's always acting like an idiot, and your body is in this state. Why should I be so foolish as to love only you? I'd rather be with him. If I were with him, how could I be like this now? Like this... in pain..."
Tears streaming down his face, sobbing uncontrollably, Qi Hui released his grip and knelt before the bed, weeping bitterly: "You won't even tell me you love me. What will it take to end this? Will you ever wake up and look at me again? I really want to kill you, kill you. If you were dead, would I stop having this empty hope, only to be disappointed again and again? Tell me, tell me!"
Qi Hui lay beside Le Xi, tears streaming down his face, holding her tightly in his arms. Since finding Le Xi, he had lived a life of asceticism, not that he didn't want to seek pleasure outside the home—in fact, such things had happened during his school days—and although he felt some guilt, human beings are always shameless and base when it comes to physical needs. But after finding Le Xi, Qi Hui felt absolutely no interest in other boys.
Qi Hui embraced Le Xi, maliciously kneading her body, desperately wondering if this would wake the baby. Gradually, his actions became bolder. He propped himself up, pulled off Le Xi's clothes, and removed her pants, exposing her entire body to him. Kissing, teasing, licking, gently biting—his movements were sometimes tender, sometimes violent, his breathing becoming increasingly erratic. He lifted Le Xi's legs, completely exposing her private parts to him. Qi Hui grasped his erection, lingering and exploring that warm, secret garden, stroking it up and down, coating the entire bud with the warmth contained within his erection, declaring his ownership. He groaned ecstatically, bending down to kiss Le Xi's tightly closed eyes, screaming during the intense penetration.
Fireflies flitted about outside the window, and a faint, melodious tune drifted in from somewhere; someone was singing:
"When I loved you the most, I learned to be carefree."
Even if you leave me, I will be fine.
You may have missed the moment when I loved you the most.
What's important now that we're separated?
Fireflies can be seen in the midsummer night sky.
I'm traveling alone, and I want to have a good time.
Is so-called nonchalance just another form of vulnerability?
The tenderness brought by longing enveloped the entire sky.
It turns out I still love you; it turns out love has no end.
Fireflies illuminate old dreams, and the heartache has vanished without a trace.
I used to be afraid of meeting again, but now the stars are slowly growing cold.
We will meet again when I love you the most.
A tiny firefly flickered on my left shoulder.
Holding the gentle wound, I felt a surge of emotion.
It turns out that it was at this time, when one felt free,
That's when I love you the most.
Qi Hui began working like a madman. He acquired large tracts of land around the school to build a university town. He demolished and rebuilt the neighborhood where Le Xi lived, and moved all of Le Xi's belongings from her rented apartment back to his own. Every day, besides handling company affairs and taking Xiang Xiang to and from school, he stayed at the hospital taking care of Le Xi, sitting by her bedside tutoring Xiang Xiang, and chatting with Xiang Xiang and Le Xi. Even the hospital nurses thought Qi Hui was as attentive as a devoted son. The thing Qi Hui said most often to Le Xi was: "Baby, the building you lived in has been demolished. When you wake up, you'll have to stay at my place."
I've emptied out the big, sunny room. We'll move in once you're better. I bought a big bed with blue sheets. Do you like it?
Baby, please give in to me. Please give in. When you're better, come home with me, and you're not allowed to go anywhere else.
Yang Jingyu asked him, "Why do you keep saying these things to Le Xi? Aren't you annoyed?" Qi Hui grinned foolishly and said, "I just want to annoy him. When he gets annoyed, he'll open his eyes and yell at me. Besides, he's been asleep for so long, I'm afraid he won't remember, so I keep talking to him to make him forget all the bad things and only remember what I'm saying. That way, he won't cause trouble like before."
Qi Hui went home to unpack the things he'd brought back from Le Xi's place and found a large locked box. Curious, he fiddled with it for a while but couldn't open it. Frustrated, he called a locksmith and demanded he open the box, but wouldn't allow him to break the lock. The locksmith, looking troubled, said, "Boss, why don't you just smash the lock? Why make it so complicated? Opening a lock intact takes real skill!"
Qi Hui rummaged through his wallet haphazardly, took out five hundred-yuan bills, and handed them to the locksmith, saying, "Open it! This is my wife's box. I want to see what's inside, but if he finds out I've seen his things, won't I be considered a peeping tom?"
The locksmith chuckled, chatting casually with Qi Hui as he used a thin wire to pry open the keyhole: "Boss, your wife must be very beautiful!"
"Hmm, very handsome. Very cute." Qi Hui lit a cigarette and squatted down in front of the locksmith to chat with him in a completely unrefined manner.
"Are you afraid of your wife? You even had to hire someone to unlock the door. If it were me, I'd just smash it with a hammer and let her see it."
"Hmph, I'm afraid of him? He only started acting up because I was too nice to him before. He's like a pig, all he does is lie in bed and sleep all day! Just wait and see how I deal with him!"
"Hehe, that's more like it, that's what a real man does. Women need to be disciplined before they know how to be tough!"
"Yeah, just wait and see how I train him! Humph! But who told you he's a woman?"
The locksmith looked at Qi Hui's slightly red eyes and felt a little scared—had he encountered a madman today? His wife wasn't a woman, so could she be a man?
"Boss, it's done!" The locksmith, who was listening to the keyhole on the box, said excitedly to Qi Hui.
Qi Hui shoved the locksmith aside, knelt down in front of the box like a devout pilgrim before a Buddha. He shakily reached out and opened the box.
There was a large pile of clothes in the box. Qi Hui shook them out one by one, and they were all men's clothing. Suits, shirts, casual clothes, T-shirts, long-sleeved, short-sleeved, cotton, linen... Then, he found a letter inside, with Le Xi's ugly handwriting on it, which read "To my brother".
Please remember that I love you.
Qi Hui's hands trembled uncontrollably as he clutched the letter tightly, unable to calm down. He wanted to open it, but an inexplicable fear gripped him. That fear was like a vengeful demon, slowly eroding his composure and strength. He sat quietly in the large room prepared for Le Xi, the curtains pale blue, the walls and ceiling painted with blue skies and white clouds—how beautiful. But Qi Hui only felt fear.
As if making up his mind, Qi Hui took a deep breath and carefully opened the letter.
It was a suicide note. It was written after Lexi was diagnosed with infective endocarditis. In the letter, Lexi wrote: "Brother, these clothes are what I made for you when I was bored over the years. I made one for every occasion you could think of that you would attend. I hope that when you wear these clothes, you will think of me, as if I'm always by your side. If I leave with Mom and Grandma, don't be sad. Make the suit your wedding dress; I hope you like it. If you find someone you love again, please cherish them. Please be happy, be strong..."
His vision blurred, and Qi Hui raised his hand to gently wipe away his tears, but why couldn't he stop them? Hadn't he always been a strong and composed person? He had never been swayed by sadness before. But why had he completely crumbled in front of Le Xi? Was it because he loved her too much, so he had compromised, so he had humbled himself, so he had become so pathetic today?
But where else can I find happiness besides you? And where do I get my strength?
Finally, Qi Hui's so-called mask of coldness and forbearance completely crumbled. He clutched the huge pile of clothes and wailed like a child. After crying for a while, he started laughing again. He grabbed the locksmith's hand and sobbed as he recounted how deeply he loved his precious child. That love was like an imprint etched into his heart, a brand on his arm, a lightning bolt that ripped across the sky—earth-shattering, impossible to hide, profound and unwavering.
A breeze stirred, a gentle wind ruffling the curtains, as soft as a beautiful fairy tale. The sun peeked out, casting dappled sunlight across the floor. Lexi's letter was blown to the ground by the wind, drifting down like a feather. The last sentence on it read: "Brother, please remember, I love you."
Although I wanted to hide it, I wanted to forget it, and although Aru was with me through the most difficult times, and I tried my best to love him, love, like a cough, cannot be hidden, can it? The separation of life and death finally made me believe that even if I were reborn, the one I would still love is you.
The clothes were a bit too big, and Qi Hui tried them on one by one in front of the mirror, like a proud peacock. He smiled happily, silently telling himself, "The clothes are too big. I need to start gaining weight from today. I can't lose any more weight. I need to rest, eat well, and educate Xiangxiang properly, otherwise, when the baby wakes up and sees me, he'll react the same way Shi's mother saw him. I must leave a good first impression on the baby, otherwise, I'll be in big trouble if he takes a liking to someone else."
Qi Hui began to become a responsible father, taking meticulous care of Xiangxiang. He attended parent-teacher meetings at school, played games with the children to foster parent-child bonding, and helped out at the special education school when he wasn't busy. Life was peaceful and uneventful.
Chen Song's relationship with his family completely broke down. His father beat him out of the house, froze all his bank deposits, and even threatened to sever their father-son relationship. Fortunately, Chen Song had developed a considerable amount of business in L City for Zijie, so although he was kicked out by his father, he did not fall into poverty.
Chen Song and Zi Jie indeed named their adopted children Chen Tianzui and Chen Tiandu. The two little boys were abandoned infants left at the hospital entrance; they were very cute, and it was hard to understand why their parents didn't want them. However, given the example of Qi Hui, a model father, the couple treated the children exceptionally well.
Besides going to work, Shi Lu takes care of his mother. Shi's mother is recovering very well, with no lasting effects except for occasional headaches. The mother and son often visit Le Xi in the hospital, and Shi's mother always brings lots of delicious food, but Le Xi doesn't get to enjoy it.
Schlu began to space out for long periods, his thoughts drifting aimlessly as he sat in his office looking at his manuscript. His story, "A Tale of Two Cities," received a strong response from readers. Some condemned homosexuality as dirty and shameful, others offered rational analysis, but most offered blessings. Someone left a message on the magazine's website saying, "Bless you both, and I hope you and your friend stay happy!"
But where is happiness?
Once in the hospital, when her mother was combing Lexi's hair, she suddenly turned to Shilu and said, "Huahua, Lexi is a good child."
Schlu looked at her in surprise and nodded, not understanding what was going on.
“Qi Hui, Zi Jie, Chen Song, and you, you are all good kids,” the mother looked back at Le Xi and pondered for a long time, “but I can’t accept that kind of relationship between boys.”
Shi Lu was stunned for a moment, then lowered his head, speechless.
"Mom is a very open-minded person, but she just can't understand. What kind of security can two men have together? Look at yourself. Although you never tell me why you quit your job, I already guessed it. You're willing to give up your job for this. If you continue like this, will you only be happy when you're old, destitute, and have to rely on scavenging to survive?"
“Every member of the Shi family is upright and honest. Your father has dedicated over forty years to teaching and is respected by everyone. But why did you resign?” Shi’s mother stared into his eyes and continued.
"Mom knows you and Qi Hui both like Xiao Le. But now that Xiao Le is like this, the medical expenses alone are so high every day. Can you guarantee you can provide him with good treatment? Shi Lu, our family is just an ordinary middle-class family!" For the first time, his mother addressed him by his full name very formally, but she hadn't expected it to be in this situation. Shi Lu stood up, somewhat agitated, wanting to retort, but he could only manage to call out "Mom," and then he couldn't say anything more.
"Mom has been through this, and I see through many things. Xiao Le and Qi Hui have been together for over ten years, what can you possibly compete with?" Shi's mother looked at her son earnestly. "You're our only child. Do you plan to leave Mom alone in her old age, unable to hold her grandson?"
"Mom..." Shi Lu's voice trembled slightly, "Please don't say anymore..."
“Son, I’m not trying to force you. I just don’t want you to go down the wrong path. Maybe you think you’re not wrong, but I don’t want you to get trapped. Promise me, okay? I’m already halfway to the grave, I don’t have many years left to live. Don’t let me die without the face to see your father…”
When Shi Lu came out of Le Xi's ward, she bumped into Qi Hui, who was arriving with Xiang Xiang. The two exchanged glances at each other at the door, neither speaking. But after Shi Lu left, a barely perceptible smile appeared on Qi Hui's lips.
The next day, Qi Hui rested well at home, made a nutritious soup, and cooked several of his signature dishes. He and Xiangxiang ate every last bite. Then he shaved, got a haircut, and dressed Xiangxiang neatly, looking every bit the kind and capable father one should be. Standing in front of the mirror, Qi Hui felt a little dazed, as if nothing had happened, and he was still that shrewd older brother, dressed up and ready to "catch" his mischievous younger brother.
He took his Smart to a car wash and got it cleaned. After washing the car, he went to a florist and carefully selected a bouquet of pink roses. Then he drove straight to the hospital. Qi Hui had never been in such a good mood. He even greeted the doctors and nurses in the corridor with gentle smiles, leaving the young nurses stunned and unable to process what he was seeing.
He pushed open the door and entered Lexi's hospital room. Qi Hui had made some renovations to the room; the walls had been repainted to a pale blue, like the sky, and the curtains had been changed to the same color scheme. There was a sofa, a recliner, and softly lit wall lamps and table lamps—everything he needed. Even a photo of himself and Lexi was hung on the wall, hoping that Lexi would feel at home as soon as she woke up.
A gentle, cool breeze blew as he opened the door, causing the floor-length curtains to billow and flutter, obscuring the sleeping figure in bed. Everything seemed so perfect. Qi Hui smiled and walked over, only to freeze in shock when he discovered the bed was empty.
The flowers in his hand slipped from his grasp and fell to the ground, their delicate petals scattering like tears onto the cold floor. Qi Hui stumbled and turned, rushing out of the room.