Le Banquet des Cent Fantômes

Chapitre 54

All eyes turned to the incredibly thin "old immortal"...

Upon hearing this, Ye Lao twisted his body, and the bells at his waist suddenly jingled. Accompanied by the "dong dong" of drums, he began to sing again at the top of his lungs:

"Officer Qi, lie on the kang (heated brick bed)."

The doctor from the south couldn't cure it.

The northern herbal remedies did not seem to help.

Everything stems from a lack of helplessness.

Fortunately, Elder Huanglong was there.

Check the illness, oh cough, oh cough...

For men, qi (vital energy) is paramount.

Women are balanced by blood.

It's not emphysema.

It's not bone hyperplasia either.

Hemiplegia due to cerebral hemorrhage

Liver pain, stomach pain, buttock pain.

What exactly is this illness? Ouch, cough, cough, oh…

At this moment, Director Wen saw that "Old Immortal" was rambling on and on, and immediately became furious. He shouted angrily, "What kind of illness is it..." His tone of voice even started to rhyme.

"Officer Qi, his illness..."

Deer yo yo ai hu yo yo,

Deer yo yo ai hu yo yo,

There's a reason why someone might be possessed.

The two immortals, Hu and Huang, could see clearly.

The one who offended was that insect spirit.

Long neck, triangular eyes

A long string of bubbles appeared in his mouth.

It burrows into a person's belly button.

Old Ye didn't pull the big blue one, oh cough oh cough oh ah..."

Hearing this, the Hakka woman was secretly surprised, thinking to herself, "This old man from the Northeast really does have some skill; he can even tell that it's a 'worm spirit' causing trouble."

Director Wen was also taken aback for a moment. He glanced at the Hakka old woman, then turned to the "old fortune teller" and said, "You...you said it was an insect?"

Ye Lao raised his chin and said decisively, "That's right, it's the 'Insect Spirit'."

"How should it be treated?" Director Wen's tone immediately softened.

"You mean how to 'subdue' them?" the old man corrected smugly.

"Alright, let's just say we've 'surrendered'." Director Wen had no choice but to back down.

Old Master Ye chuckled and said, "To subdue the 'insect spirit,' of course, you need to invite the gods, summon the gods, lead the gods, and send the gods away. Director Wen, you are an official, and your killing intent is too strong. Unless you are very devout, the gods will not be willing to possess this old monk..." After saying that, he suddenly felt that something was wrong and quickly covered his mouth.

"Old monk?" Director Wen, with his background in criminal investigation, was keen-eyed and immediately noticed this subtle flaw.

Ye Lao was originally a Tantric lama of Tibetan Buddhism, but he accidentally let something slip. He kept muttering to himself, "Sigh, that old Cuihua, she didn't even remind me."

"Hey, Grandpa, look at that little boy with the big parrot, I bet it's Shen Caihua..." Old Cuihua whispered inside Grandpa's body.

Old Ye tilted his head and examined Shen Caihua again. The more he looked, the more he resembled him. But why did this child have a face full of freckles? He then subconsciously touched his nostrils, but unfortunately, his "golden lilac" nasal mucus was long gone. That was a beauty elixir.

The Hakka old woman watched coldly, and seeing this withered "old spirit" showing concern for her apprentice, she couldn't help but feel a little jealous. So she said, "Is it really that much trouble to subdue a mere 'insect spirit'?"

Director Wen was eager for Sister Li to quickly catch the strange worm, lest the "old shaman's" feudal superstitious activities escalate under his nose. If word got out, it would not only have a negative impact but also reinforce the villagers' idealistic beliefs. Thinking of this, he decisively said, "Sister Li is a doctor. She doesn't need your 'shaman's' superstitious tricks to easily cure Officer Qi. This is the power of science."

The Hakka woman rolled up her sleeves and walked to the edge of the kang (a heated brick bed). She decided to use the third move of the Zhuyou Divine Skill, "Walking Corpse," to expel the "Worm Head Barbarian" from Officer Qi's body.

"Old Master, be careful. This old woman from out of town is no pushover. It looks like she's here to cause trouble," Old Cuihua warned warily from inside Old Master's body.

The Hakka woman lifted Officer Qi's blue khaki uniform, revealing his fat belly and a sparse patch of black hair below his navel. Director Wen stared at the Hakka woman nervously, hoping she would capture him soon.

The Hakka woman pressed her two ring fingers on the left and right Tianshu acupoints on either side of Officer Qi's navel, and silently chanted, "曱曵曶曷书曺曻朁..." She used the third move of the Zhuyou Divine Skill, "Walking Corpse".

The villagers in the house stared intently. "A Cheng Yaojin suddenly appeared out of nowhere! Could this strangely dressed old woman from out of town be even more powerful than the famous 'Old Fairy' of Huanglong Prefecture?"

The electric lights flickered on and off. The voltage in the countryside has always been unstable, and the villagers have long been used to it.

Officer Qi's belly button gradually opened, revealing a narrow opening. The "wriggling head" was about to emerge, and a smile appeared on the Hakka grandmother's face.

With a loud "smack," Officer Qi suddenly let out a crisp fart, followed by a "plop..." as his anus relaxed and a stream of runny stool gushed out...

Instantly, the room reeked of a foul stench, and people covered their noses and snickered.

The Hakka woman looked closely, and the navel slowly closed up again... What was going on? Her "Zhu You Divine Skill" had never failed before! A layer of cold sweat appeared on her forehead.

Director Wen's face suddenly turned very ugly. He glanced at the Hakka woman and thought to himself, "It seems that 'hearing is believing, seeing is believing' after all. This Sister-in-law Li is not so capable after all."

Just then, Officer Qi slowly opened his eyes, staring intently at the Hakka woman, and spoke in a strange tone: "Who are you? Why are you touching a man's private parts?"

The Hakka woman was utterly astonished...

Upon seeing this, Director Wen greeted him warmly, "Old Qi, you're finally awake..."

Officer Qi looked at Director Wen with surprise and said, "Who are you? Why are you looking at a man's private parts?"

"You...you don't recognize me? I'm Director Wen." Director Wen was taken aback and stammered.

Officer Qi's wife rushed over with joy, tears welling in her eyes, and said, "Old Qi, I'm your wife, Suqin. You must recognize me, right?"

"Who are you all? Why are you staring at a man's private parts?" Officer Qi sternly reprimanded.

"It's over, it's over, they've definitely been bewitched by the weasel this time..." The villagers began to whisper among themselves.

Chapter Seventy-Nine of the Main Text

In a corner of the house, many children gazed in amazement at the macaw. Their village's grove was mostly inhabited by sparrows and crows; they had never heard of such a huge blue bird before.

Dudu whispered in Shen Caihua's ear, "Cai...Caihua, that old, 'Old Immortal' is...is that old man!"

"Who is it?" Shen Caihua was taken aback.

"Hey... Hey, it's that... that thousand-year-old corpse that Han Sheng always talks about," Dudu reminded her.

During the years they lived in Nanshan Village, Hansheng and Lan'er often mentioned Ye Lao and Lao Cuihua. When they spent time with Ye Lao, Shen Caihua was only a little over one year old. Even though the ghost baby's memory far exceeded that of ordinary people, the impression Ye Lao left in his mind was still very faint.

Upon hearing this, Shen Caihua was overjoyed. He quietly approached the withered "old immortal," tugged at his sleeve, and whispered, "Hey, are you Old Man Ye?"

Ye Lao was originally a mummified corpse inside the Liao Pagoda, the founder of the Shaman Black Witch Sect. Although his three souls—Heaven, Earth, and Man—had not dissipated for a thousand years, he had lost all his martial arts skills and could only mechanically wave his arms. For the past six years, Lao Cuihua had possessed his body and gone around performing "shamanic dances" for people. His legs, which had been crossed for a thousand years, and his mechanical arms, which had been moving freely, were now moving around freely.

"Shh... You're the ghost baby Chen Caihua! And Dudu, hee hee... What are you doing here? Where's Hansheng? And how are Lan'er? And who's that strange-looking old woman?" When Ye Lao saw that the ghost baby recognized him, he was overjoyed and asked a whole bunch of questions in one breath.

"Where's Old Cuihua?" Shen Caihua asked.

"Shh..." Old Ye said mysteriously, then gestured towards the kang (a heated brick bed), "She's playing with that old woman."

On the heated kang (a traditional Chinese bed-stove), Officer Qi was angrily berating the Hakka woman and Director Wen: "How dare you people with ill intentions peep at the body of a people's police officer? Especially you old woman, are you really that interested in the bodies of young men? This is simply indecent assault..."

The Hakka woman stared coldly at him, thinking to herself, "This little 'wild rascal' is still in the process of slow development; there's absolutely no way it could control Officer Qi's thoughts. Could there be another secret? Could it be...?"

Thinking of this, the old woman said sternly, "Are you Li Dihuo?"

"What 'earth fire' and 'earth water'? I'm a mid-level cadre in the county public security bureau," Officer Qi's language became rude, then he turned and yelled at Director Wen, "And you, you stink, you probably pooped in your pants, haha..."

Director Wen swallowed hard and retorted irritably, "Old Qi, it's you who pooped in your pants."

“Nonsense,” Officer Qi reached into his crotch and pulled out a handful of yellowish, runny excrement. “Hey, whose is this?” he said, then reached out and wiped it towards Director Wen.

Director Wen couldn't dodge in time, and a large puddle of runny excrement was smeared on the front of his police uniform, hot and sour...

The villagers couldn't help but laugh, and some even burst out laughing.

The lights flickered... Officer Qi leaned back and lost consciousness again.

Taking advantage of the flickering electric light, Old Cuihua flashed back into Ye Lao's body and boasted triumphantly, "How about that, Ye Lao? I've finally gotten my revenge and smeared that self-important bureau chief with shit."

Old Master Ye was extremely pleased and murmured to himself with delight, "Old Cuihua, this child really is the Ghost Infant Shen Caihua; he recognized this old monk."

"Oh, let me ask him," Old Cuihua said happily.

“Little talent, who is that strangely dressed old woman?” Old Ye asked, his voice high-pitched.

“She is a Hakka nanny, Granny Wang’s junior sister, and also my ‘lard’ master,” Shen Caihua answered truthfully.

"Ah... So it turns out I was just messing with Xiao Caihua's master. Isn't that a bit disrespectful of an elder?" Old Cuihua chuckled.

Director Wen angrily took off his police uniform.

Officer Qi's wife said awkwardly, "Director Wen, Old Qi didn't mean it. Shall I take it and wash it for you?"

“No need,” Director Wen said, turning to the Hakka woman. “Sister-in-law Li, is Officer Qi really able to cure me?”

The Hakka woman blushed, pondering how to proceed.

At this moment, some villagers said, "They must have been bewitched by a weasel. Let's ask the 'Old Immortal' to cast a spell."

“That’s right, what’s all this superstition? This is how we’ve always done it in the countryside,” someone chimed in.

"Old Immortal, please summon the Old Immortal..." the villagers clamored.

"Why……

They started beating drums in front of the stage.

All the guests came today.

There were bureau chiefs and commune members.

There were elderly people and teenagers.

There were both women and men who came.

After finishing the meal and having a snack,

Drink some good water and smoke a cigarette.