La vie parfaite sous la dynastie Song

Chapitre 199

Screech—the brakes slammed on. Lost in thought about the past, I accidentally bumped hard against the back of the seat in front of me. Even though it was a very soft, cotton-like seat, I still felt dizzy and it took me a while to recover.

My brother quickly turned around to look at me: "Lanlan, are you alright? Are you hurt?"

I forced a smile and shook my head, looking at myself in the rearview mirror: a pale face, a thin jaw, and a haggard appearance. My fingertips were cold, but my palms were sweating profusely. My heart was pounding, seemingly quiet and contained within my chest, yet each beat felt like it was hitting my ear, making me irritable.

The car slowly drove into the hospital gate. The lush green grass, the tall trees, and the stone tablet with some inscription I couldn't decipher—all receded into the distance before my eyes. Silently, at a leisurely pace, like an old-fashioned silent film playing out the most mechanical and tedious plot.

My brother parked the car, and I eagerly opened the door and got out. A wave of suffocating heat hit me. I clenched my fists tightly against my chest and asked myself: The surgery will be successful, won't it? Xu Lie won't die, will he?

A chill seeped into my heart, mixed with despair, helplessness, and sorrow. I slowly opened my hand, looking at my small, pale hand, the lines crisscrossing on my white palm. I asked myself, is there a marriage line here? Where does that line begin, and where does it end?

"Lanlan, come in, the surgery is about to begin." The brother's voice was somewhat irritable and anxious, unlike his usual clear voice.

I responded and reached into my pocket to take out my phone. Suddenly, I felt a slight jolt, and when I looked up, the sun seemed even more dazzling than before.

The older brother asked, "What's wrong?"

"No, it's nothing." I shook my head blankly. "The amulet Mom gave me is probably still in the car."

The older brother scoffed and said impatiently, "Mom believes in this stuff. Forget it, let's ignore her and go inside. Or... or..." The older brother paused, unable to find the right words, and could only vaguely say, "You have to see him before then."

In an instant, a chill ran through me, and I suddenly remembered that familiar feeling—that feeling of despair foreseen before it even began. It was four years ago, in the winter, on a day when the wind was howling and the cold was biting.

Thursday, January 8, 2004: Cloudy with snow.

Actually, I was very happy and proud of myself today, truly. I'm such a cowardly person, afraid to fight, afraid to try, even afraid to look the person I like in the eye. But today, I actually mustered up the courage to tell him I liked him, my body trembling, my voice hoarse as I said, "Xu Lie, I like you." I'm so happy for myself, so happy that tears streamed down my face.

Someone once said that from the beginning, we know there will be an end. So when I chose to confess my feelings, I foresaw the rejection, but I didn't expect it to be so heart-wrenching. He pushed me away so violently and disgustedly, yelling, "Don't bother me!" and hurriedly left. He was so anxiously searching for someone, so anxious that he didn't even look at me, the one who said she liked him. It turns out, it really was true that from the beginning, we knew there would be an end. But why, knowing the ending, did my tears still flow uncontrollably, dripping onto the cold concrete?

I think I will forget this day forever. Xu Lie, Xiao Jie, Ying Ying, and even myself—no one will know that this day ever existed. It will be sealed here, sealed in my purest, most beautiful, yet hopeless first love, never to be opened again.

My brother half-dragged, half-carried me into the hospital. People walked past us, their faces bearing their own sorrows and joys; no one noticed us. My fear and anxiety were mine alone, none of theirs.

My phone showed six missed calls, all from Xu's father. Since he hadn't saved the numbers, they were just a familiar string of digits. Reading through them one by one made me dizzy.

He must have been getting impatient. I thought to myself, and as I was about to check the time the call came in, my brother exclaimed in surprise and alarm, "What happened?!"

I looked up and was met with complete darkness. Wu Jing's tall figure cast a shadow in front of me: "Young Madam, the young master's condition has suddenly deteriorated, and the surgery has been performed ahead of schedule."

I swayed, and saw my own deathly reflection in his eyes—my face was white, my lips were white, even the light in my eyes was pale. I blankly pressed the buttons on my phone, glancing down at the missed call times. Suddenly, the numbers blurred, transforming into familiar faces, their captivating smiles whispering to me: You can't win, you'll never win against me.

I never thought of competing with you. I said that to myself, and then I heard myself ask, "How long did the surgery take?" My calm and gentle tone was mixed with a cold, deathly silence.

Wu Jing's somewhat sorrowful voice reached my ears: "It's been almost two hours. Master and Madam are both in the operating room. Young Madam, please go in quickly."

I nodded and walked through the door he opened. Suddenly, I stumbled, and Wu Jing quickly steadied me, saying, "Young Madam, be careful!"

I kept nodding, somewhat disoriented. Looking up, I saw the bright red words "Operation in Progress," so red it was blinding, so red it made my heart race. Instinctively, I didn't want to get closer, but looking around, I felt utterly lost. It turned out that besides this road, I couldn't find a way home.

A pair of strong, cold hands helped me sit down. I looked up and saw a handsome, icy face, devoid of any emotion, even his eyes seemed lifeless. For a moment, I couldn't remember who this person was. I simply murmured a thank you and sat down.

Mr. Xu asked in a hoarse voice, "Lanlan, are you alright?"

I shook my head, trying to force a smile: "I didn't hear your call." Mr. Xu seemed to be nodding or shaking his head, his sigh filled with sadness, fear, and melancholy, "Actually, it's all the same."

What was it? A sob escaped Xu's mother's lips, echoing in the small waiting area. The three bright red words "In Surgery" stood there, like blood about to congeal and dry, silently testifying to the passing of life.

Imagine putting time into hourglasses of varying sizes, watching helplessly as the sand slips away through tiny holes. This is life—the precious yet fragile nature of human life!

I leaned against the cold plastic chair back, trying to warm it up little by little with my own body heat. Xu's mother's desperately suppressed sobs were like an old-fashioned water pump, slowly sucking all the oxygen out of my lungs until I suffocated.

In a daze, I was transported back to my childhood. Innocent and naive, I burst into my grandfather's room. Caught off guard, he didn't have time to put away the photo of my grandmother in his hand, nor could he see the longing in his eyes. He slowly began to tell me the story of what happened back then. I had always been curious about the outstanding and perfect officer, Si, who was so devoted to my grandmother. So, three years later, I insisted on going with her to the grave.

But how could I have known then that this trip, this meeting, would change the lives of Xu Lie and me forever? If I had known that my youthful, ignorant curiosity would trap us in such a tangled and destructive web, would I have been so willful and reckless?

Saturday, April 23, 2005: Cloudy with light rain.

I simply couldn't believe that Xu Lie was actually the grandson of that military officer! Good heavens, even if I told Xiao Jie and Ying Ying, they would never believe me. I saw him just woken up, his hair a little messy, his face sour, yet he still obediently followed his grandfather's instructions to come and greet me, letting his grandfather tease us about how well-matched we were. He clearly didn't remember me. This sudden surprise made me feel incredibly awkward in front of him, unable to even speak properly. I saw the impatience and disdain in his eyes. But I was still so happy. Really, just seeing him like this was a wonderful day for me.

"Have some water." A cool voice interrupted my thoughts.

I almost blurted out "Yihan" before looking up and seeing his face. It was then that I realized he was the man who had helped me sit down earlier.

My throat was indeed parched, but I didn't want to drink any water. I mechanically took the water, sipped it, and then said, "You must be Shui Bingye."

He paused slightly, and I swallowed another mouthful of water. The warm liquid scraped across my burning throat, causing a sharp, grating pain. Steam rose up, wetting my eyelashes and the tip of my nose, as if I were really about to cry.

What if Xu Lie dies? I murmured to myself, over and over again, sometimes silently, sometimes hysterically, "What if Xu Lie dies... what if..."