La vie parfaite sous la dynastie Song

Chapitre 200

"Shut up!!!" A furious roar, like a muffled thunderclap, rang in my ears. I looked up blankly and saw Mr. Xu beside me, his eyes bloodshot, glaring at me with despair and madness. "Lie'er won't die!! If you dare say another word that he'll die, I—"

"Ah Tian... Ah Tian... Don't do this!" Mrs. Xu cried as she grabbed the furious Mr. Xu, burying her face in his chest, sobbing uncontrollably. "Lie'er is still struggling inside, please... please don't do this!"

I silently lowered my head, my mind filled with a buzzing sound. A nerve in the back of my head felt like it was being constantly twitched, the pain making my whole body tremble. But why, despite the intense pain, couldn't I shed a single tear, a single scalding hot tear?

Lin Jialan, you are afraid, you are terrified! A voice in my heart is telling me.

The water in the plastic cup trembled incessantly, rippling in waves. The sound grew louder, like roaring waves crashing against my chest: Lin Jialan, you're afraid. You're afraid that if Xu Lie dies, you'll never be able to face the rest of your life; you're afraid that if Xu Lie dies, you'll carry the emotional burden for the rest of your life; you're afraid…

—Lin Yu, from this day forward, I will love you, possess you… and completely possess you!

A clear, cold voice suddenly burst forth, each word ringing distinctly in my ears. Closing my eyes, I could almost see Yi Han's lonely and forlorn figure, his fearful and sorrowful purple eyes.

How could I betray this man who has waited for me for nine years and five years, who would rather bear everything himself than let me suffer any injustice? How could I bear to let him experience fear and sorrow again?

I stared blankly at the clear water glass, then suddenly smiled silently: So, Lin Jialan, ask yourself honestly, for him, for giving him happiness, what is there left to fear? Two worlds, forty years of life, what kind of battles haven't you experienced? What kind of death haven't you faced? By now you should be strong enough, shouldn't you?

If life goes on whether you cry or laugh, why not face it with a smile? If both bitterness and sweetness are part of life, why not savor bitterness as if it were sweetness?

This is a truth I realized long ago, when Zi Mo's soul was scattered. Xu Lie, he is not Zi Mo, and he even has too much resentment in his heart, but I believe that at least when he used his own body to shield me from the bullet, his feelings were exactly the same as Zi Mo's.

They saved me not to leave an eternal scar on my heart, nor did they expect me to repay them with my life. They simply hoped that the people they had sacrificed everything to protect would live well and live happily.

Because only when I am strong enough can I look at those bright red words "In Surgery" and still firmly believe that Xu Lie will live on, no matter what, he will try his best to live on.

So, I can get through it. I silently vowed to myself, hypnotically telling myself word by word, that no matter the outcome—life or death, joy or sorrow—I will…

Clang—that was the jarring sound coming from the operating room.

I jerked awake, as if stung by a poisoned needle. The clear plastic water glass tumbled awkwardly to the floor, spilling warm water that soaked my shirt, clinging to my skin like a second layer, my skin growing cold. I knew I was trembling, uncontrollably trembling. Just moments before, I had been making vows and promises to myself, but now, staring at the extinguished operating light, my mind was buzzing, mechanically repeating a familiar phrase over and over…

Sometimes, we think we can handle any consequences, but the truth is that we are just naive and have never understood the true cruelty of the world.

Tuesday, July 5, 2005, Sunny

Never before have I felt so fortunate in my life, without any grievances, helplessness, or despair on the verge of collapse. Marrying Xu Lie was my greatest dream, yet it has somehow become my nightmare.

"Lanlan, you and Xu Lie standing together are just like my dad and your grandma back then. So whether it's deception or true feelings, just consider it as putting an end to his lifelong obsession and regret."

“Lie’er and that girl are really not suitable for each other. They are both too cold and arrogant, preferring to break rather than live in dishonor. Their coldness and arrogance attract and conquer each other, but what happens when all the warmth dissipates? Lanlan, don’t call me tyrannical. No one knows my son better than I do as his mother. Rather than let Lie’er suffer even more in the future, I would rather separate them now!”

The words of Xu's father and mother kept echoing in my mind. I thought, how could I be so stupid as to follow Xu Lie to the front of the door and stammer, "Can you marry me?" for such two ridiculous reasons.

I was such an idiot!

Xue'er's accusations made me ashamed, my classmates' insults made me feel ashamed, and my friends' accusations made me feel heartbroken. But what really broke me down and made me despair was Xu Lie's disgusted and hateful look, as if he were looking at garbage!

How could I have been so foolish? I thought I was mentally prepared to endure everything, that I could bear all the grievances and embarrassments like the heroine in a TV drama until happiness arrived. But I forgot that I am not the protagonist, and the ordinary and timid Lin Jialan has never been a protagonist.

I destroyed my bittersweet, innocent unrequited love, destroyed the beautiful relationship between Xu Lie and Xue'er, destroyed everything, and what did I get in return? I allowed myself to be scorned and isolated, and let the person I loved live in torment and suffering, and what did I get in return?

Xu Lie, I think it's time for me to give up, to give up those humble and shameful expectations, and to give up my two long years of obsessive love for you.

I remember Yingying saying that sometimes we think we can bear all the consequences, but the truth is that we are just naive and have never understood the true cruelty of the world.

I think I've finally come to understand and experience that kind of cruelty.

Xu Lie, I will tell you everything tomorrow. From now on, I will not ask for anything more. Even if I can only hide in the shadows and secretly watch you, it will be a hundred times better than the torment I am in now.

Xu Lie, what can I offer to repay the happiness you lost? Tears? Repentance? Or... my life?

Bang—the operating room door was finally pushed open, and messy footsteps came toward the door, getting closer and closer to us.

I saw a blinding white light spill out from the crack in the door, like a silver needle gleaming with cold light, severing the smooth and complete flow of time, causing everything to become chaotic and out of place.

A sudden dryness and pain came over me, as if sunlight had turned into a sharp blade, mercilessly piercing my eyes, leaving them completely blind and unable to see the world clearly anymore.

I shook my head vigorously, and when the blind man quietly disappeared, I saw Uncle Liu standing in front of us with his mask off.

The nerve at the back of my head still felt like it was being taut, throbbing with pain that made me tremble. The pain made Uncle Liu's deep, hoarse voice seem distant and indistinct: "I... I tried my best. I'm sorry, we... we tried our best..."

Chapter 47 Inner Demons

Xu Lie is dead.

The funeral was taking place before my eyes, one person after another bowing to me, dressed in black and white—only these two tiresome hues. Bending over and bowing—only these two drowsy movements.

I finally couldn't stand it anymore and ran away from the funeral. Walking on the bustling street, a cool breeze blew across my face, carrying a bit of dampness and stickiness; it was about to rain.

I looked at the sky; it was gray and shrouded in thick clouds. I whispered, "Even you're going to cry?"

A sharp honking sound rang out, and a large blue truck slammed on its brakes in front of me. The driver leaned out and yelled, "Are you out of your mind?!"

I tilted my head, smiled, and stroked the mud-covered front of the car, whispering, "Human life is so precious, how could I just throw it away?"

The driver was stunned for a while before spitting angrily on the ground: "Damn it, he's a madman."

I wasn't angry. I pouted and said, "I'm not crazy."

The car sped away, and on the vast road, everyone hurried to and fro, each with their own destination, but I alone didn't know where to go.

I walked for a long time, and finally it started to rain, a light drizzle. Raindrops streamed down my forehead, hair, and eyelashes; if I didn't wipe them away, they would fog up my eyes, making everything blurry and impossible to see.