Deuxième type de décès

Chapitre 18

"Then why impersonate Wei Zifu?"

“We found that Xiao Yuan and Wei Zifu, a maid in the Pingyang Marquis’s household, look very similar. With just a little makeup, almost no one can tell the difference. Of course, no one would doubt the identity of a maid who has been known to everyone since childhood.”

"Where is the real Wei Zifu?"

"Cut!" The old thief made a throat-slitting gesture. "Now you know so many of our secrets... so..." He tossed me a piece of silk and a writing brush.

"What?"

"Submit your membership application!"

"Why don't you just approve it directly? Why make so many bureaucratic bluffs?"

"Our motto is fraternity and democracy, and we never force anyone to join." As he said this, the old scoundrel Wu Niao viciously pounded the short knife in his hand, repeatedly muttering, "Never force..."

I threw down my brush: "To show my determination to join the society, I've decided to write my initiation in blood on silk!"

The old eunuch exclaimed excitedly, "Good! You have guts!"

I dipped my finger in the blood that had just spilled on the ground; it wasn't dry yet, but it was better than wasting it. The old eunuch nearly fainted: "Is this your resolve...?"

After writing it down, they even made me put my fingerprint on it, like signing a contract of servitude. Oh no, it seems I won't even have the chance to inform the emperor.

---janeadam

Reply [54]: Chapter Twenty-Seven: Going to see the Great Xiongnu!

"Young Master Dongfang..."

Who is it?! She just got back to Chang Le Palace and lay down, exhausted from all the commotion last night.

The door opened, and there stood a young eunuch. "What is it?"

"By imperial decree, Dongfang Shuo will attend the morning court session with all the ministers today."

"Attend court?" I'm not a minister, are you suggesting I be given an official position? Is there such a good thing? I never thought I'd have a day when I could act like a tyrant.

The emperor had not yet arrived, but the ministers were already waiting in the hall, like a group of students waiting for their teacher to start a class, whispering among themselves.

In the crowd, I saw a person, a lonely person. He didn't speak to anyone, just stared at the ground motionless, looking so devout. I tiptoed over and discovered that he was snoring. Wow! He can fall asleep standing up.

"Hey...brother!"

He slowly opened his eyes, looking at me lazily like an old tortoise, and slowly responded with an "Oh".

"My name is Dongfang Shuo, and yours is Dongfang Shuo?"

"My name is..."

"The Emperor has arrived!" Everyone was speechless.

Emperor Wu looked furious, as if he had just lost his temper: "My ministers, what do you see on my face?"

...

"No one's saying anything? Very well, it seems you all realize I'm angry. Do you know why?" Emperor Wu took the bamboo slip from the attending eunuch, then threw it with a flick of his wrist, hitting a minister squarely on the head, causing him to cry out in pain, "Ahhh!"

"You still know what pain is? I'm in pain too, it's this!" Emperor Wu pointed to his chest, "My heart aches so much!"

Yesterday, a message arrived from the border: several days ago, the Xiongnu launched a night raid on one of our great Han borders, killing our men, capturing our women, burning our houses, and stealing our livestock! How could our mighty, divine nation be so helpless against these small barbarians? I have decided to launch a campaign against the Xiongnu soon. Before that, I will send an envoy to the Xiongnu, first with diplomacy, then with force. If the Xiongnu refuse to agree to never invade our borders again… now, who among you will volunteer to be the envoy to the Xiongnu?”

You idiot! That's practically suicide! Of course I won't raise my hand!

"Me!" "Me!!"...

Goodness gracious! Looking around, almost everyone raised their hand—no, everyone raised their hand except me. Could it be?

"Dongfang Shuo!" Emperor Wu called to me, "Those who raised their hands were all too impulsive. Such an important mission as an envoy to the Xiongnu requires a steady and reliable person, and you are so eloquent..."

"Oh no! Your Majesty, I am naturally slow to react, and I should also raise my hand." I immediately raised both hands.

But I miscalculated again. I looked around and saw that all those who had just raised their hands had put them down. These cunning fellows, no wonder they became ministers.

Oh no, I'll have to improvise. I sniffed my armpits and explained to the emperor, "I just wanted to check if I have body odor, thankfully I don't..." I quickly lowered my arms.

"Dongfang Shuo, to be honest, I summoned you to court precisely because of your shrewdness. Someone like you is the only one who can turn misfortune into good fortune when sent as an envoy to the Xiongnu! Besides... aren't you an orphan? You shouldn't have any ties..."

What are you saying? Aren't orphans human too? How terrifying! My mind immediately conjured up an image of a burly Xiongnu Chanyu holding my head and drinking wine from it. No! I'm still young, I must find a scapegoat. That's right, Su Wu! How come I only just thought of that? Haha, how silly of me, I almost forgot my old profession, I'm a history teacher!

"Your Majesty! I am neither talented nor virtuous, and I fear I am not up to the task. I dare to recommend someone who is of noble character, loyal and righteous, and I guarantee he will not fail in his mission!" Haha, Brother Su, don't blame me. I am doing this to give you a chance to be wise for life.

"Oh? Who is it?"

"This man's name is Su Wu. Does Your Majesty know him?"

"Ah!" Someone in the crowd cried out and fainted. I turned around and saw it was the guy who had been sleeping standing up.

"Su Wu?" Emperor Wu thought for a moment. "Good! It seems that unfortunate fellow will have to take my place."

At this moment, the man who had fainted had regained consciousness. "Su Wu!" Emperor Wu said to him, "Dongfang Shuo recommended you as an envoy to the Xiongnu. I think it's a good idea. What do you think?"

No way, he was Su Wu all along. No wonder he fainted.

Su Wu bit his lip in pain: "Serving the Emperor is worth dying for..." Haha! Thank you, Brother Su Wu, I will remember your kindness forever. (Singing: How far is forever? It can't be just a little bit, how far is forever? Will we become eunuchs...?)

"Then Dongfang Shuo, you..."

So we don't need to go? I mentally picked up where the emperor left off.

"...You should go with Su Wu; it'll be good for the two of you to look after each other!"

"Ouch!" This time it was me who fainted...

---janeadam

Reply [55]: When I woke up, I was already on a bumpy carriage. The guy standing next to me who was sleeping should be called Su Wu. Su Wu was looking at me with the eyes of an enemy. "Hey, don't be so fierce. I'm a victim too!"

Do I have a grudge against you?

"No, things in this world are preordained, some things are destined... Please accept my condolences..."

Su Wu sighed, "Never mind, maybe I'm just unlucky by nature."

I looked at him with astonishment: "You know what? No wonder I felt you were different the first time I saw you. So you're Su Wu! Your words just now made me realize how rare your character and magnanimity are. By the way, where are we going?"

"On the way to the Xiongnu."

"What? So fast!" I cursed inwardly. That damn emperor didn't even give me a chance to escape... 555.

"Here you are," Su Wu handed me two pieces of silk, "I really envy you..."

"What?" I took the silk.

"Princess Pingyang and Wei Zifu secretly asked me to give this to you. The red one is the princess's, and the white one is Wei Zifu's. How are you so clever? You're both a princess and the emperor's favorite concubine. Be careful not to get caught, or you'll lose your head."

I said smugly, "Sigh... women are such a hassle."

"Then teach me, how can I get myself into this kind of trouble?"

"This is something that can't be taught. When someone is as handsome as me, trouble will naturally come knocking on their door."

I opened the princess's silk scroll: "Waiting for your return!" "Boring!" I deliberately tossed it where Su Wu could reach it.

"May I take a look?" Su Wu asked. He was truly a gentleman of integrity, having kept it on his person for so long without ever looking at it.

I opened Xiaoyuan's silk scroll again: Never come back! "Boring!" I guiltily put the scroll away.

"Can I see this one too?"

"Not suitable for children..."

With a whoosh, an arrow suddenly shot into the carriage, terrifying everyone! The carriage also suddenly stopped.

"What's going on?" Su Wu and I poked our heads out at the same time, and then two gleaming curved blades were naturally placed against our necks.

---janeadam

Reply [56]: Chapter Twenty-Eight: The Female Wolf on the Grassland!

Dozens of burly men on horseback surrounded the carriage; judging from their strange attire, they were probably not Xiongnu.

“They are the Wild Bird Clan, a tribe that split off from the Xiongnu decades ago. When Modu Chanyu murdered his father and seized power, the tribal chief broke away from the Xiongnu because he opposed it. Because they were weak, they have been wandering the grasslands, making a living by robbing travelers,” Su Wu whispered to me. “These guys are even more brutal than the Xiongnu!”

"How scary..." I suddenly felt an urge to urinate.

"Ochoo ochoo!" a cavalryman shouted at us, seemingly telling us to be quiet.

"Don't they understand Chinese?" "Among these northern ethnic groups, understanding Chinese is a symbol of status; ordinary people don't."

"Oh..." I thought to myself, no wonder these guys were shouting like Native Americans.

We've been stuck here like this for so long, what are we doing? Waiting for reinforcements? Why bother with all this trouble? I'd faint even if I killed a chicken, how could I possibly have the courage to resist?

I was a little bored. I glanced at the gleaming back of the knife held in front of my neck. Luckily, my hairstyle wasn't messed up. It was windy on the grassland. I wish I had a hat.

Just as I was worrying about the hat, a small black dot appeared in the distance, growing bigger and closer. It was another big man on horseback. He shouted "Ooh ooh ooh" at the leader of the wild birds, and then the leader waved his arm, and the carriage slowly started to move forward.

After a long time, a village-like area appeared in the distance, with wisps of smoke rising from its chimneys. "Oh, oh..." Seeing us being led over, the wild bird soldiers waved their scimitars and cheered. Their aura was terrifying! I felt a suffocating fear, as if I had entered an African cannibalistic tribe.

They tied each of us to a wooden stake. "Hey!" I yelled at the guy who tied me up, "Why are you tying me to the thinnest and smallest stake?!" That's so disrespectful... 555.

"Is there no one among you who understands Chinese? I am Dongfang Shuo, the envoy of the Great Han Dynasty!"

"Ochio oucho!" These uncultured bastard voice actors.

Just then, a super burly guy walked out of the most luxurious tent. Goodness! He must be at least 190cm tall. His pectoral muscles were bulging, and his chest hair was thick and dense. It's a real shame he's not making porn.

He looked around with an extremely arrogant expression; his two enormous, swaying earrings were big enough for me to wear as bracelets.

Good heavens! Is that the leader? He humbly lifted the curtain, and another woman stepped out.

The woman was about forty years old, adorned with gold and silver from head to toe. When she stepped out, the entire room fell silent.

"Is this woman the leader?" I asked Su Wu.

No response… Is this kid scared out of his wits? I glanced at him. Damn! He can still fall asleep in something this tense.

The female leader scrutinized us with the look of someone visiting a zoo, then muttered a few words to the giant man, who nodded and quickly glanced at me.

We were tied up like that until nightfall.

The temperature difference on the grassland is huge. During the day, it feels like the sun is scorching hot, but at night it's bitterly cold. Su Wu is still asleep. That guy has an amazing ability to adapt. No wonder he was able to herd sheep in the freezing cold for so many years.