Le voyage d'une folle à travers la dynastie Song

Chapitre 15

With a creak, the gatekeeper opened the door, letting in a gust of cold wind mixed with snowflakes. Cheng Zhuri, draped in a black fur-lined cloak, stood outside the threshold. His hair and beard were disheveled, and the shoulders of the cloak were covered in snow. He remained motionless for a long time, staring blankly at the white snowflakes fluttering in the courtyard and the large, mournful character "奠" (meaning "offering") in the center of the mourning hall, his eyes filled with shock and his expression one of profound grief. After a long while, Cheng Zhuri finally began to walk towards the mourning hall. The distance from the gate to the main hall was less than thirty meters, but it took him a very long time. His steps were unsteady, and suddenly he stumbled and nearly fell to the ground. "Brother, be careful." Zhu Yue, who had followed behind, helped Cheng Zhu Ri up, but he forcefully broke free, his steps quickening as he rushed into the room. He was utterly haggard, his lips cracked and bloodshot, his eyes bloodshot, staring intently at his aunt lying on the deathbed. His lips moved slightly, then he knelt down with a thud, his forehead kowtowed heavily, and he roared with heart-wrenching cries, "Mother!!!!"

Men don't easily shed tears, only when they are truly heartbroken. The usually strong Cheng Zhuri cried uncontrollably, tears streaming down his face, a heart-wrenching sight that plunged the entire mourning hall into another wave of mourning. Zhuqin sobbed, "Brother, why did you only come back now? Mother is gone… She called your name until her last breath…"

Zhu Xing choked back tears and said in a hoarse voice, "Brother, I didn't take good care of Mother, I'm useless..." "How could Mother suddenly leave? How did she die?" After the great grief, Cheng Zhu Ri immediately asked us about the cause of his aunt's death, "What about the child? Was the baby born safely?" Upon hearing this, Rong Yu Wei cried even more heartbreakingly, her body trembling like a reed. "The baby is safe. Your mother has given you another little sister. She died because she was exhausted from childbirth." My uncle's hoarse voice sounded from outside the door. The second wife helped him into the room. He was exhausted from taking care of his aunt's funeral arrangements. From buying water to cleanse her body, to changing her clothes and feeding her, he did everything himself without asking anyone else. He was so tired that he almost fainted. Just now, Uncle Qi forced him to close his eyes and rest for a while. His deep affection for his aunt was beyond my expectations. My uncle's face was ashen. He weakly instructed Cheng Zhuri, "Go and change the mortuary cloth first, offer incense to your mother properly, and then come to my study. She left you a message that she wants me to relay to you." ===============================================================================

After the 49th day memorial service, my uncle gathered me, Cheng Zhuri, and Rong Yuwei in his study. The once spirited and strong man was now emaciated, his back hunched, a far cry from his former confident and in control. "Zhuri, Yuwei, your father is old, his health is failing. From now on, this family is in your hands," my uncle said, opening a small nanmu box in the center of his desk. "The land deeds, the field deeds, and the keys to the accounting office are all here. I plan to spend the rest of my life practicing Buddhism. Yuwei…" His gaze finally settled on me. "Xiaoxiao, the sixth day of next month is an auspicious day. You should go in first and establish your status. We can consummate the marriage after Zhuri finishes his mourning period." My uncle's voice was soft, but carried an undeniable firmness. He was informing Rong Yuwei of his decision, not seeking her opinion. Rong Yuwei's lips drained of color instantly, her face turned deathly pale, and her eyes held a woman's resentment and bitterness.

My heart skipped a beat; I was utterly astonished by my uncle's actions. Confucianism advocates filial piety, placing particular emphasis on the rites of mourning. Mencius said that the greatest filial piety is to cherish one's parents throughout one's life. One must observe a three-year mourning period for one's parents and grandparents, during which one is forbidden from holding office, taking exams, marrying, or having children. Violators are considered criminals against the established rites and will be severely punished. My studies were also disrupted, and every day after returning home, I would sleep in a separate room from Rong Yuwei to observe mourning for my aunt. Moreover, since the Tang Dynasty, the mourning system has been codified into law. For example, during the mourning period, anyone who marries, officiates at a wedding, or acts as a matchmaker is committing a criminal offense and will be punished. Anyone who marries a woman himself will be sentenced to three years of penal servitude during the mourning period for his parents or husband, or one hundred strokes of the cane during the mourning period. The head of the household who knows that the woman is in mourning for her parents or husband but still proceeds with the marriage will also be sentenced to one hundred strokes of the cane. Anyone who presides over a marriage will be sentenced to eighty strokes of the cane or more during the mourning period for his parents or husband. Anyone who acts as a matchmaker will be sentenced to forty strokes of the cane or more during the mourning period for his parents or husband. The punishment is very severe. Although the Song Dynasty was not as strict as the Tang Dynasty, taking a concubine and getting married are very different. If people find out, he and Cheng Zhuri will be condemned by thousands of people. I remember after my aunt passed away, my uncle kept calling out the words "Baoying." I thought he was regretting his past actions, regretting that his greed for power had led to Rong Yuwei's marriage, which indirectly caused my aunt's death. However, his attitude towards Rong Yuwei didn't change. On the contrary, he defended her in front of the family. He saw through Zhuxing's thoughts and was afraid that his youthful impetuosity might cause trouble, so he called him to his room and talked to him for half an hour. He was wary of the Rong family. After all, you can't fight city hall. And once you're married, you can't afford any more trouble. To maintain the overall situation, you can only swallow your pride and bear it. The day after my aunt passed away, Rong Yuwei's eldest and second eldest brothers came to visit, partly to comfort the deceased and partly to support Rong Yuwei, constantly reminding us that she had a powerful family behind her. But why did my uncle have to do this at such a sensitive time? This is the most legitimate reason to delay my entry into the family. It's reasonable and justifiable to all parties involved, and it won't offend the Rong family. My aunt and uncle are a loving couple, and they don't care whether the Rong family is happy or not. To fulfill their lover's last wish, they secretly gave me the title of concubine without telling anyone. I really don't understand my uncle's attitude. "Father, this matter..." Cheng Zhuri opened his thin lips slightly, and I immediately spoke first. I can't let anyone dictate my life, and I can't let Rong Yuwei have a legitimate reason to punish me. "Uncle, the Book of Songs says: 'Father begot me, Mother nurtured me, patted me, fed me, grew me, raised me, cared for me, protected me, held me in her arms. I wish to repay their kindness, but Heaven is boundless.' Confucius also said: 'I am not benevolent! A child is weaned from its parents' arms after three years. The three-year mourning period is the universal mourning period. I also had three years of love for my parents.'" "My parents! Auntie isn't my biological mother, yet she treats me like her own daughter. This kindness is truly moving. Even lambs kneel to suckle, and crows feed their parents. If even animals show such devotion, then I would have wasted my life if I didn't observe three years of mourning for Auntie." As she spoke, she subtly glanced at Rong Yuwei out of the corner of her eye, raising her voice to add, "My mind is made up. Please, Uncle, grant my request, just as I granted yours back then." "I'm sorry, Auntie, I can't follow the path you've laid out for me. I want to walk my own path." Uncle seemed to have been struck dumb, remaining silent for a long time before leaning back weakly in his chair, closing his eyes in deep thought.

Rong Yu gently raised her lowered head and looked at me, her eyes filled with confusion and bewilderment. Cheng Zhuri turned to look at me, his gaze containing an indescribable meaning—a mixture of approval, sorrow, and a faint sadness. "Father, Xiaoxiao is right. It's the mourning period now. I can't be disloyal or unfilial, and I can't wrong Xiaoxiao. If she's to enter the family, it must be open and aboveboard. We must inform our relatives, friends, and neighbors. The Cheng family can't wrong her any further." I felt the pain in Cheng Zhuri's heart. He had been on horseback for three days and two nights without getting off the horse. His palms were blistered from the whip. His beloved chestnut horse, Juechen, collapsed on the ground after arriving home, panting heavily. It couldn't go on living, but it wasn't dead yet. Cheng Zhuri stroked it for a long time with tears in his eyes, then plunged a knife into its neck, ending its suffering, and buried it under a big tree on the back hill.

Uncle waved his sleeve and sighed helplessly, "Zhu Ri, from today onwards, this family is yours to call the shots. Do whatever you say." He moved lightly to stand before Cheng Zhu Ri and softly spoke the words that had been weighing on his heart, "Uncle, cousin, the dead cannot be brought back to life. Cry when you need to; keeping it bottled up will harm your health. The greatest comfort to the deceased is for the living to live well. Life must go on after the grief. Separation and death are issues everyone will face sooner or later. Human life begins with our own cries and tears, and ends with the cries and tears of our loved ones. And the moments in between are the happiness of life. Aunt was born..." She came from a well-off family and married her uncle. They lived a loving and harmonious life together, and had four children: her cousin, Zhuqin, Zhuxing, and Zhuhua. Although her life ended at the age of forty, shorter than most, and she couldn't see her grandchildren or her cousin one last time—a truly regrettable loss—as a woman and a mother, she had lived a fulfilling life. "Uncle and cousin, please take good care of yourselves. Only then can you rest in peace. I'll take my leave now; Hua'er is waiting for me." She then met Rong Yuwei's complex gaze before leaving the room. Even though Cheng Zhuri and I weren't destined for each other, he was still my closest relative, besides my aunt. I cared for my family, and I would openly show it to her.

Four years later, in the summer, "Green Willow, higher, higher!" Hua'er nestled in my arms, her hands tightly wrapped around my waist. Her almond-shaped eyes, as bright as stars, curved like crescent moons, revealing two adorable little dimples. As the swing swung high, she giggled and laughed, her voice as pure as the tinkling of a mountain spring, without a trace of impurity. She loved swinging, but she was also timid, so she always needed me to hold her while she played.

After Xiaohe got married, Lvliu took her place as my personal maid, responsible for taking care of my daily needs. She wasn't as clever and considerate as Xiaohe, but she was a quick and efficient girl. "Hua'er, it's almost 15 minutes, time for dinner. Let's come down now, we can play again tomorrow." Without even looking, I knew Lvliu behind me was drenched in sweat. "Lvliu is tired too." Hua'er pouted, raising her rosy little face to plead with me, "No, cousin, play a little longer, just a little longer."

"Miss, I'm not tired. I'm very strong," Green Willow replied breathlessly, her hands still moving.

To prove her point, Green Willow suddenly increased its strength, pushing the swing high into the air before slamming it down. A cool breeze, carrying the scent of flowers, brushed against my face, making my skirt flutter and draw beautiful arcs. I could reach out and touch the high branches, startling the cicadas into fluttering flight, which made Hua'er laugh even more happily. Hua'er's innocent smile has been my greatest comfort in recent years. Premature babies are weak, and in modern times they are usually placed in incubators for warmth, but there are no such conditions here. The winter weather is extremely cold and dry. Although there is charcoal burning for warmth, it makes the air even drier, which her underdeveloped respiratory system cannot withstand. I have no choice but to take off my clothes, hold her, and crawl into bed with her, letting her warm her skin against mine, letting her small face rest on my soft breast, listen to my heartbeat, and enjoy the gentle caresses of my hands as she falls asleep. Hua'er spent her first four months in this world on my chest. Moreover, during the mourning period, none of us were allowed to eat meat, and she was no exception. My wife and I were worried sick about her food and nutrition, so we focused on her wet nurse. We hired a young woman who had just given birth to her first child, feeding her plenty of fish, meat, and tonics to supplement Hua'er's nutrition through breast milk. We changed the wet nurse every six months, and Hua'er had enough breast milk for over three years. Now, she's as strong as a calf, her cheeks are becoming fuller, glowing with a healthy rosy color, and you can't tell she was premature. Of course, this is also thanks to Rong Yuwei's connections. She was able to get Doctor Du to treat Hua'er. Hua'er had been constantly ill since childhood, and Doctor Du couldn't come every time. Several times, Rong Yuwei braved the wind and snow to personally seek medical help for her. Although there was an element of atonement in it, her concern for Hua'er touched me deeply. Hua'er's several serious illnesses terrified the family, but thankfully, she pulled through without serious complications.

For the past four years, Cheng'er's family life has been stagnant, without a ripple. However, Hua'er has lived happily under our protection. My aunt, on her deathbed, entrusted me with her care, and I manage all of Hua'er's life, a responsibility my family fully supports. I remember when Hua'er was two, she asked about my aunt, why Yi De called Du Xuezhi "Mother," while she called me "Cousin." Where was her mother? I think subconsciously, she already considered me her mother, so I smiled and explained to her that her mother was gone and had sent me to take care of her. Her mother's duties were like mine: bathing her, dressing her in pretty clothes, telling her stories and singing lullabies at night before putting her to bed, combing her hair in the morning, and playing with her on the swings and flying kites in our free time. I don't know how she understood the word "gone." Later, Hua'er stopped asking, which was what I hoped for. Some things take time to accept. There are many ways to remember the deceased, not just sad ones. I don't want Hua'er to remember her mother in the future. The memories of our time together are tinged with sadness; I didn't want to leave any shadows on her young heart. From the moment she first spoke on her first birthday, I've kept the door closed to play with her and make her happy, though I kept my laughter locked inside. From her birth, her first month, her first birthday, her first steps, her first babbling, to now, time has flown by. I've poured all my energy and attention into her, playing all the games I know—knotting knots, hopscotch, jump rope, beanbag toss—in countless ways. Perhaps it's because she's still young, perhaps it's because God understands my good intentions, or perhaps my care makes up for the lack of maternal love she feels, but she hasn't clung to the idea of her mother's absence. "Big brother?!" Hua'er's clear voice pulled me back to reality. "Cousin, big brother's here." It turned out to be Cheng Zhuri behind me; I wonder how long he'd been pushing. "Big brother." After the swing came to a stop, Zhu Hua stretched out her little hands to be held by Cheng Zhu Ri. He took Hua'er from my arms and held her to his chest with one hand. "We came back early today and stopped by for a visit. Zhu Xing's letter arrived. He said everything is fine and we shouldn't worry."

Zhu Xing had already gone to Shigu Academy, continuing his three-year postponement. Uncle Qi, Aunt Liu, and Er Gouzi accompanied him. For the past four years, he had studied diligently, getting up early and going to bed late every day. After the mourning period ended, he didn't even celebrate the New Year before setting off, and no one could stop him. At this moment, Qin Ma walked into the courtyard, "Young Master, Miss, dinner is ready. The eldest young mistress is calling you over."

"Okay." Cheng Zhuri casually extended his other empty hand to me. "Let's go." I dodged his hand, tossed my long braid back, and jumped gracefully off the swing. Cheng Zhuri's eyes darkened, and he slowly withdrew his hand from mid-air. "Hua'er, how about your cousin plays hide-and-seek with you? You and Lvliu go hide in the garden first, and your cousin and older brother will come find you in a bit?" I needed to speak with Cheng Zhuri privately. "Then older brother and cousin can't be too fast. They have to count from one to one hundred before coming over." Hua'er jumped down from Cheng Zhuri's arms, her eyes sparkling with laughter. She took off running, pulling Lvliu along, and disappeared in a flash. Seeing Hua'er leave, I slowly spoke, "Cousin, Hua'er will be four years old at the end of the year. I'd like to have a birthday party, not a big one, just have Zhuqin and the others bring the children back for a lively family meal. What do you think?"

Yi De, the eldest son of Zhu Yue, was his uncle's first grandson. To bring some joy to the otherwise gloomy house, the second wife threw him a small birthday party. Afterwards, Hua'er asked me why she only ate longevity noodles on her birthday, unlike Yi De. I was speechless. Her birthday was only three days apart from her aunt's death anniversary—the timing was too sensitive. But considering Hua'er's future, I hesitated for a long time before finally speaking my mind. Cheng Zhu Ri frowned at me, remaining silent. Seeing his long silence, I said urgently, "I know you're in a difficult position, but there will be more and more children in the family in the future. We can't keep hiding things forever. You know what happened with Yi De last time; it wasn't good for Hua'er's development. We all want her to have a good life, don't we?"

I'm confident I can handle everyone else, except for my uncle. His attitude towards Hua'er is always evasive and indifferent. He's never held her, and he's barely even glanced at her. He's too deeply in love with my aunt, and I worry that he'll take his anger out on Hua'er because of her difficult childbirth. This has always been a worry in my heart. "I'll find a chance to sound out Dad's opinion first," I said with a smile. Cheng Zhuri is the head of the family, and with his help, the chances are much better. "Then I'll trouble you, cousin. I know I can definitely persuade Uncle." "Don't be so polite with me," Cheng Zhuri said, his gaze gentle, a tender smile appearing in his dark pupils. "Let's go find Hua'er. Don't keep her waiting too long." "Okay." ====================================================================================

"Aunt Qin, don't serve the braised pork knuckle noodles this time. Hua'er never eats them. Tell the cook to fry the noodles until they're fragrant and then stir-fry them with eggs. Use less noodles and add more shredded meat, vegetables, and mushrooms. It's not right not to eat longevity noodles on her birthday."

Cheng lived up to expectations and quickly got the job done. My uncle said nothing, just nodded in agreement. The day was fast approaching; in six days it would be Hua'er's fourth birthday. Qin's mother and I were meticulously planning every detail, hoping she would have a wonderful time at the family gathering. Qin's mother asked doubtfully, "Miss, we've never eaten this before. Is it safe to eat?" "Not only is it edible, it's very delicious! How about this, I'll save this noodle dish for myself. By the way, have you given out the invitations?"

"Everything's taken care of, Miss. Don't worry, Eldest Miss, Second Miss, and Third Miss will bring their children to celebrate with Fourth Miss. It's just that Young Master Liu has something come up and can't make it, so Young Mistress Liu will bring the children instead. She also said that if Old Madam Liu is feeling well, she can come too." That's for the best; I don't want to see Liu Yu anyway. "If Grandma can't come, have Cousin take Hua'er to visit her in a few days. Also, prepare plenty of melon seeds and snacks for the children; Yaomei loves them..." Suddenly, hurried footsteps sounded outside the door. Hua'er's small figure ran in and threw herself into my arms, her big, dark eyes looking at me with a pitiful expression, tears streaming down her face. "Cousin, is Hua'er a jinx? Did Hua'er kill her mother, so Father doesn't like Hua'er either?" A jinx! I was trembling with rage. Those two words were too vicious. I gritted my teeth and said, "Who's spouting this nonsense? I'll tear their mouth apart!" Hua'er cried bitterly, her chest heaving with sobs. "Today... today I hid in the cave in the rockery in the garden, waiting for Er Ya and Granny Hu to come find me. Xiao Cui and Xiao Qing came by the garden. They said there's already a lot going on at the end of the year, and they're going to throw me a birthday party. Hua'er... Hua'er's mother died as soon as she was born, and Hua'er doesn't look like a married child at all, so Father doesn't like me either, waaaah..." "They're talking nonsense. Your uncle agreed to organize your birthday party. Everyone's child got one. Yi De had one too. It's all your cousin's fault for forgetting." Suppressing her anger, she hugged her, wiped away her tears with a handkerchief, and gently comforted her, "When your aunt was pregnant with you, they were so happy. Childbirth is inherently dangerous. There are many children born without mothers. Are they all cursed? As a mother, even if it's extremely dangerous, she wants to give birth to her child. That's how a woman feels complete, even if it costs her life. Hua'er is too young to understand now. When you grow up and become a mother yourself, you'll understand. It's not Hua'er's fault at all. Before your aunt passed away, she held your cousin's hand tightly, saying she was most worried about you and most sorry for you. She asked me to take good care of you in her place and to love you well in her place." "Really?" Hua'er's eyes were glistening with tears, her little nose was red, and she looked pitiful. “Really, if you don’t believe me, ask Aunt Qin. Aunt Qin came with your aunt’s dowry. Your aunt sent us to stay with you. Besides, she lives in heaven and is watching over us. When she sees Hua’er sad, she cries too, and her tears turn into rain.” Aunt Qin wiped away her tears, her voice slightly choked. “Fourth Miss, don’t listen to the servants’ gossip. You are the apple of Madam’s eye!” Hua’er was half-believing, half-doubting. “But, but they said…” “Hua’er would rather believe their nonsense than believe your cousin’s words?” I quickly put on a stern face, pretending to be angry. “When has your cousin ever lied to Hua’er?!” “I believe you, I believe you the most, my cousin.” Hua’er hurriedly explained. “My cousin loves me the most.” She nestled in my arms like a docile kitten, and after a long while, she said softly, “Cousin, Hua’er misses Mother.”

I kissed her forehead. "I miss her too. Everyone in the family misses her. We haven't forgotten her, and we never will."

Turning to the side and looking up, I suddenly noticed my uncle standing by the door, gazing at Hua'er with a sorrowful expression. The loss of his wife in middle age had been a great blow to him. The year my aunt passed away, he seemed to have aged ten years in an instant. Now, his temples and the top of his head were completely white, and he had been listless ever since. He often locked himself in his room and was a pitiful man. When I saw him, I turned around and wanted to leave. "Uncle, don't go." I pulled Hua'er, blocking his way. "Look at Hua'er! She's only four years old. You've never loved her. She has no mother, and her own father doesn't care about her. Even the servants dare to gossip that she's a jinx! She's the legitimate daughter, the fourth young lady of the Cheng family. She was born with your life, and she's your own flesh and blood. Of all your children, only Hua'er's eyes don't resemble yours. She looks like your aunt. Those eyes are exactly the same as your aunt's. It's God's compensation to you. Your aunt was most worried about her. If she saw this from heaven, how heartbroken she would be." I pushed Hua'er in front of my uncle. "Hua'er, call him Dad! Call him Dad!"

When Hua'er saw her uncle, she looked like a mouse seeing a cat, timidly called out "Dad" and retreated behind me.

My uncle stared intently at Hua'er, seemingly moved, his eyes filled with endless sorrow. He instructed Uncle Fu behind him, "Give Xiao Cui and Xiao Qing twenty strokes of the cane each and kick them out of Chengjia." "Father," Hua'er said, "what Hua'er needs most is your love. You gave her life, so you must take good care of her. You can kick Xiao Qing and the others out today, but what about tomorrow, the day after? As long as your attitude towards Hua'er doesn't change, you can't stop others from gossiping. Only if you truly love and care for her will she never suffer like this again." I didn't have much time left. I had to try my best. Only when I saw my uncle truly open his heart to Hua'er could I leave in peace.

My uncle looked at the painting for a long time, but left in a hurry without saying a word. I was powerless to change anything and felt extremely frustrated.

During dinner that evening, my uncle's old face was tense and colder than usual, and the family didn't dare to breathe too loudly.

My uncle spoke calmly, "Hua'er, come, sit next to your father." His words had barely left his lips when the whole family was astonished by his sudden change in attitude. They were all deeply moved; after all, he was her father, blood was thicker than water, and no one else had ever sat next to him except for my aunt and Cheng Zhuri. The seat to his right had been empty since my aunt's death. Hua'er was a little nervous, her head lowered, clutching my sleeve tightly. I smiled at her, "Go on, your father is waiting for you." Amidst everyone's expectant and joyful gazes, Hua'er reluctantly shuffled to her feet, glancing back at me every few steps, her little face scrunched up in worry. "Go on," I nodded, encouraging her with my eyes and a smile. Hua'er was a little flustered by her father's sudden closeness, her head drooping. Her uncle picked up his chopsticks and put a piece of meat on her plate, saying calmly, "From now on, you'll sit next to Dad. Let's eat!" Although her uncle's voice was flat and even, he was clearly showing everyone Hua'er's place in his heart—a good start. "Is it okay now? Can I open my eyes now?" Being called a nemesis still cast a shadow on Hua'er's tender heart. For days, she had been depressed and listless, her smiles noticeably less frequent. She even disliked her favorite walnut pastry. Fortunately, the warm atmosphere of the birthday party helped, and being a child, she quickly recovered, smiling broadly. Zhuqin dotes on her even more than her own daughter, always hugging and kissing her when she comes home. Today was no exception; she brought her several beautiful dresses, which she changed into on the spot. Zhuxing also sent back a large quantity of local specialties from faraway Hunan and wrote a separate letter for us to read to her. Rong Yuwei gave her a valuable antique jade pendant. Cheng Zhuri made her a large butterfly kite by hand and promised to take her to fly it when the weather was nice. Zhuyue and the others received many gifts and blessings and changed into new clothes, their little faces beaming with joy. However, she was most curious about and looked forward to my gift the most. She woke up early in the morning and kept asking to see it. But as an unexpected surprise, I saved it for last, just for the two of us to share. "Wait a little longer... just a little longer," I led her to the bedside. "Ta-da, open your eyes." "What beautiful brocade quilt and silk pillows!" Hua'er sighed softly, her delicate little hands stroking them back and forth. She looked up and asked, "Cousin, who is she?" "She's Mother. She's what Hua'er's mother looked like when she was young." Hua'er observed carefully for a long time. "Mother is so beautiful." "Yes, Hua'er and Mother are just as beautiful." This was a birthday gift I had carefully prepared for her. I borrowed several portraits of my aunt from my uncle and hired the best embroiderers in Bianjing to embroider her image onto the quilt sheets and pillowcases. “There’s more.” She pulled her into the bed. “Look, your cousin hung a picture of Hua’er’s mother on the canopy. How beautiful her smile is! Her eyes are always looking at you. Every day when Hua’er opens her eyes, the first person she sees is her mother, as if her mother is always sleeping with her. Hua’er looks most like her mother—her eyes, nose, and mouth are all like hers. Hua’er’s brothers and sisters all look like her father, but only Hua’er and her mother are the most alike.” Hua’er blinked her large, clear eyes and asked me in a clear voice, “Cousin, why did Mother have to die?”

"There are many uncertainties in everyone's life, but there is only one exception: everyone will die, it's just a matter of time. We are born, we grow up, and one day, when our time comes, we will die. This is true of everything in the world."

"Cousin, Hua'er misses her mother. Hua'er has never drunk a drop of her mother's milk." Her nose tingled, and tears almost fell. She cleared her throat and said, "Many children have never drunk their mother's milk either. Some are born weak and abandoned by their parents on the roadside, left to fend for themselves. If a kind person takes them in, they are better off, but many freeze or starve to death on the streets. Cousin knows that Hua'er misses her mother, but compared to these children, Hua'er is already very lucky. She has a father, loving brothers and sisters, and her cousin. Her family was wiped out by a great flood, but she survived. Look, her cousin is alive and well. Hua'er will be a happy and filial daughter, so that her mother can smile happily in heaven, okay?"

"Okay, Hua'er will listen to her cousin." Hua'er wrapped her little arms around my neck and gave me a sweet kiss. "Cousin, why aren't you Hua'er's mother?" "Although you're not my mother, I do many things just like a mother." I gently pinched her little nose and smiled. "Hua'er has two mothers, isn't that more fortunate than other children?" "Cousin, why don't you sleep with me anymore? Don't you like me anymore? We used to sleep together."

"Because Hua'er is a big girl now, and your older sisters have always slept alone since they were little." Because my time has come, I can no longer stay with you, because you need to learn to say goodbye, to learn about the days when I'm not by your side. "Hua'er, sometimes when loved ones leave, it's not because they don't love you, but because they have no other choice, understand?" Hua'er rolled her eyes and shook her chin, "Hua'er doesn't understand." "You'll understand later. Just remember that your mother and cousin both love you." "Oh, Hua'er understands." "What a good child." "Cousin, sing 'The Little Insects Fly' for Hua'er again, Er Ya doesn't sing it well." "Okay, close your eyes, and I'll sing. Your cousin will wait until you fall asleep before going back to her room. Tomorrow, we'll play shadow puppets together, your favorite little bee, okay?" "Okay." Hua'er nodded obediently and closed her eyes contentedly. He gently patted her back, humming her favorite lullaby: "The dark sky hangs low, bright stars follow, insects fly, insects fly, who are you thinking of? The stars in the sky weep, the roses on the ground wither, the cold wind blows, the cold wind blows, as long as you are with me, insects fly, flowers sleep, only in pairs are they beautiful. I'm not afraid of the dark, I'm only afraid of a broken heart. No matter how tired I am, no matter which way is up, I sing it over and over again until she is fast asleep, a sweet smile on her lips. He gently kisses her forehead, "My darling, I hope you grow up healthy and happy. Please forgive me for leaving. Only when I leave will this family be at peace forever. Otherwise, the tragedy of my aunt might be repeated." March 18th is the annual day for spring outings. The women in the family had already discussed it and decided to take the children out to play. The streets were wonderfully lively in the evening. We could watch the colorful lanterns and the wonderful and humorous song and dance performances; we could enjoy the dramatic and moving plays, the court music, and the art of storytelling; and we could leisurely enjoy delicious food and drinks in the shops and teahouses.② I stayed home to rest on the grounds of feeling unwell. My uncle asked Rong Yuwei to accompany Hua'er. Although she was reluctant for Cheng Zhu and me to be alone at home every day, she still went in front of Hua'er and my uncle. She left Wang Mama at home, as she never let her guard down around me.

After dinner, I asked Green Willow to invite Cheng Zhuri over. I sat quietly on the swing waiting for him. Under the cool moonlight, the shadows of the trees were dappled and intertwined, and a deep sorrow of parting welled up in my heart.

In no time, Cheng Zhuri stepped into the courtyard. "Xiaoxiao, did you need something?" I smiled sweetly at him and said in a coquettish voice, "Can't I come to my cousin if I don't need anything?" This was the first time I had taken the initiative to approach him since his marriage, a complete change from my previous distant attitude. Cheng Zhuri stood there stunned, his mouth slightly agape, looking so silly. I moved to one end of the swing, patted the empty seat next to me, and called out to him, "Cousin, sit with me for a while?"

His eyes lit up, a mixture of surprise and understanding in them. We smiled at each other. I took his arm and leaned my head on his shoulder. "Cousin, Xiaoxiao is ready." Cheng Zhuri was overjoyed. He straightened me and asked in a trembling voice, "Xiaoxiao, you really agree?" My uncle had been urging me to marry into the Cheng family for a long time, but I hadn't agreed yet. I told Cheng Zhuri that I had sacrificed so much for the Cheng family, and if they really wanted to make it up to me, if they truly loved me, they would have to wait until I willingly agreed. Cheng Zhuri had no choice but to agree, though reluctantly.

Now that I have nothing to hold me back, I can leave with peace of mind. However, I'm not confident I can escape successfully under his watchful eye, so I need to find a way to get rid of him. "I've made up my mind," I nodded firmly. "But cousin must grant Xiaoxiao one request." "Not just one, a hundred will do." Cheng Zhuri's eyes were slightly moist, and his soft, delicate whisper rang in my ear, "Xiaoxiao, Mother is gone, and now you're the only person I truly care about. Your cousin has finally waited for this day, and I'm so happy." As if afraid I would run away, Cheng Zhuri hugged me tightly, his iron-like arms making my waist ache slightly. An indescribable sorrow spread through her heart. She opened her arms and hugged his waist, burying her face in his chest. "Cousin, I don't want to stay here. I don't want to face Rong Yuwei's face every day. She won't like me anyway. After I marry into the family, let's live in Hangzhou permanently. I remember what you said when you were injured that year: to visit Su Causeway in spring; to admire the lotus flowers in West Lake in summer; to pick lotus flowers by boat in autumn; and to search for plum blossoms in the snow in winter. You can play the zither, and I can sing. This is the life I want. If nothing serious happens, I won't go back to Bianjing. Besides, you spend several months in Hangzhou every year. It's reasonable to arrange for a concubine to serve you in Hangzhou. This is good for her, good for me, and good for the Rong family. It's a win-win solution, okay?" Cheng Zhuri was incredibly shrewd; nothing that happened at home while he was in Hangzhou could be hidden from him. Yet, he remained calm and silent, his attitude unchanged. He then visited Madam Rong, and the two talked in a closed room for over half an hour. I don't know the content of their conversation, as he wouldn't utter a single word no matter how I asked. I only heard Cheng Shun say that Madam Rong's face turned red and white after she came out, and she looked terrible. From that moment on, the Rong family never mentioned marrying me again. But the three-year truce period has passed, and I dare not imagine what the future holds.

At first, I was solely focused on taking revenge on Rong Yuwei. Her Achilles' heel was Cheng Zhuri, and making her suffer unbearably would be a piece of cake for me. No matter how she treated me, I wouldn't say a word. After all, it was hard to say who was right and who was wrong between us. However, she shouldn't have chosen the wrong time. She bore an undeniable responsibility for my aunt's death. But as time passed, this thought gradually faded. Circumstances were beyond my control. Every bit of harm she suffered would be repaid to the Cheng family many times over in the future. Who told us our family background was inferior? Cheng Zhuri had already relinquished all control over the Hangzhou business to Zhuyue, and she would never leave home again. I knew very well that it was mostly for my sake. For the past four years, the cold look in his eyes towards Rong Yuwei sometimes made me, as a woman myself, feel sorry for her. Since Cheng Zhuri and I were destined to be apart in this life, it was better to leave sooner rather than later, to fulfill my own wishes and to let the Cheng family have peace from now on. “Alright, I’ll send Zhu Yue to Hangzhou right away.” “Zhu Yue?” I raised my eyebrows, feigning difficulty. “But I don’t trust Zhu Yue’s judgment. What if the things he buys don’t suit my taste? These are things I’ll use for a lifetime; it’s a pity to throw them away, and buying new ones is expensive.” “That’s easy.” Zhu Ri laughed heartily, his brows full of deep affection. “I’ll go myself. Who knows your preferences better than me? We’ll leave tomorrow, and I’ll come back to welcome you home once everything is ready.” “Leaving tomorrow?” Cousin, I want to see you for a few more days. “Yes, we’ll leave tomorrow, at dawn. Xiaoxiao, your cousin has been waiting for so long, and so have our parents. Let’s get things done sooner so they can be at ease.” Cheng Zhuri held my hand, a slight smile playing on his thin lips, his eyes filled with tenderness. “But what about Hua’er? She can’t live without you.” “Hua’er will grow up eventually, and she’ll get married and leave me sooner or later. If she’s not used to it at first, I’ll take her to Hangzhou for a few months and then send her back. Cousin, please let me be selfish this once.” “Okay, whatever you say.” Cheng Zhuri kissed my forehead, a doting smile on his lips. “Cousin, I have a gift for you.” I took his hand and led him into the house, winking seductively. “But you have to close your eyes first, no peeking.” “What is it?” I smiled mysteriously at him. “You’ll find out soon enough.” I wanted to give him my virginity before I left. Although I had made thorough preparations beforehand, I was still very nervous at the last minute. My heart was pounding, and my hands were trembling slightly. I quickly drank some alcohol to bolster my stomach, changed into the strapless top and low-waisted hot pants I had prepared long ago, and let my hair down loosely over my shoulders. In the bronze mirror, my flushed face revealed a seductive charm. My almond-shaped eyes and slender waist were alluring and sexy. The brightly colored strapless top and hot pants accentuated my fair and slender legs, firm and small breasts, and delicate waist. My body, which I had carefully maintained for many years, was fully mature and just waiting for him to take it. Let me use this method to compensate Cheng Zhuri and let me leave without any regrets. At this moment, I didn't care about anything. I was just a selfish woman who wanted to be with my lover. Morality and reason were all thrown to the back of my mind.

I blew out the other candles in the room, leaving only one on the table, its flickering flame casting an ambiguous glow. I wrapped myself in a cloak, and barefoot, walked towards him, towards the man I loved for life, the man destined to have no future with. Gently removing the cloak, I took a deep breath. "Cousin, do you remember this rouge red? You gave it to me on my fourteenth birthday. Xiaoxiao made it especially for you. Do you like it?" Clumsily, I took his right hand and tucked it inside my bodice, pressing it against my breast. My snow-white arms encircled his neck, licking his Adam's apple and earring, whispering, "Cousin, let Xiaoxiao be a woman tonight!"

Cheng Zhuri's phoenix eyes were half-closed, his gaze intense, his face flushed, and his breathing became heavy and rapid. His hot lips immediately pressed against mine, still as awkward as before, which greatly pleased me. I took the initiative to dance with his tongue. He repeatedly kneaded the softness of my breasts, his eyes burning with intense desire. With the movements of his hot hands, I couldn't help but gasp softly, my body aroused by a small flame. I felt weak, but I didn't know what went wrong. Cheng Zhuri's movements slowed down, the flame in his eyes gradually extinguished, and he slowly separated our pressed bodies. A faint sadness flashed in his phoenix eyes, and he stared blankly at the rouge-red bodice, lost in thought. I didn't understand why he always looked at me with such inexplicable sadness after he woke up from his accident. "No." Cheng Zhuri withdrew his hand, picked up the cloak that had fallen to his feet, and wrapped me up completely. He stared intently at me. "You told me you wanted to live with dignity in front of her. This is disrespectful to you. This wedding night is left for us. You wait for me. It could be two months at most, or a month and a half at least. Your cousin will be back soon. Get some rest. Your cousin is leaving now." Cheng Zhuri fled in panic, an endless bitterness and sorrow welling up inside him. Two lines of tears silently streamed down his cheeks. Silly cousin, after tonight there will be no future for us. Is our fate so shallow that we can't even have one night of sweet memories?!

Five days after Cheng Zhuri left home, late at night, I drugged and knocked out Lvliu. I quietly went to the back door of the kitchen, the quietest place in the Cheng family home. Rong Yuwei had already arranged everything; no one would come here tonight. I took one last deep look back at the place where I had lived for fourteen years, suppressing my last trace of longing and reluctance, and opened the door to leave. An inconspicuous carriage was waiting in the alley. Seeing me come out, it immediately came to greet me. "Come on in," Bai Shungen said, helping me into the carriage. As soon as I entered, Sister-in-law Bai took the package from my hands and handed me a cup of hot wine. "Sister, come, have a sip to warm yourself up; it's quite cold this late at night." After drinking the hot wine, my hands and feet immediately warmed up considerably. I casually took off my cloak, prompting Sister-in-law Bai to exclaim, "Sister, what are you doing…?"

"Doesn't it look good this way too?" I laughed nonchalantly. "Big brother, after I leave, give these two things to my cousin. Make sure you deliver them to him personally." I had originally thought of having Aunt Qin deliver them, but I felt more at ease having Bai Shungen handle it. After all, Rong Yuwei was the matriarch of the Cheng family, and I didn't want any unforeseen circumstances. "Don't worry, I'll not only deliver them to him personally, but I also won't let him find out about me." Bai Shungen took them with both hands, patting his chest to assure me, "Otherwise, it won't be convenient for him to find you later." "Big brother, I won't contact you for the next five years. My cousin is too shrewd; I don't want to reveal my whereabouts." Bai Shungen pondered for a moment, then replied, "That's fine. With Tiehu and his sister accompanying you to Jinan, I'll feel at ease."

"What about Erhuzi?" The gap between rich and poor in Bianjing City is vast. It's a paradise for royalty and wealthy merchants, but also a place where ordinary people rely on for survival. The number of unemployed and vagrants is countless. Many vagrants have no fixed abode and can only take refuge in the city's sewer outlets, places known as "Worry-Free Caves" or "Ghost Alum Towers." Tiehu and his two siblings were orphans I adopted more than four years ago in "Worry-Free Caves," and were fostered by Bai Shungen's family, all for this day. Sister-in-law Bai explained, "Erhuzi will stay with me. He's only eight years old, too young to wander off. I'll take good care of him, so you don't need to worry." "Yes, Tiehu said so too, so don't worry." Bai Shungen's eyes gleamed. In recent years, his business had become increasingly successful, and he had become more cautious in his dealings with others. He had carefully nurtured Tiehu and his siblings for four years, and now that Tiehu was seventeen, he felt he could shoulder the responsibility of protecting me. I knew in my heart that Bai Shungen was still being cautious, keeping Xiaohuzi by his side just in case. The Song Dynasty was great; there was no curfew. Not wanting to cause any trouble, I met up with Tiehu and his sister and left the city that very night, embarking on the road to Jinan.

First Edition: Falling in love is easy, staying together is difficult. Chapter Forty-Five: Cheng Zuye's Confession.

"Hua'er, don't cry. Your cousin isn't here, so your sister-in-law will comb your hair today," Rong Yuwei gently wiped away her tears with a handkerchief and coaxed her tenderly. "Your sister-in-law has already asked the cook to prepare a lot of delicious food, including your favorite crystal steamed dumplings. We'll go eat them in a bit."

Two days ago, Wen Xiaoxiao left home with a note that read, "The sky is high enough for birds to fly, and the sea is wide enough for fish to leap." Green Willow was terrified and knew nothing when questioned, only crying and saying that Wen Xiaoxiao had rewarded her with snacks that night, and after drinking them, she lost consciousness. The next morning, she found Wen Xiaoxiao missing. Cheng Zuye was frantic. He felt guilty towards Wen Xiaoxiao, and with her marriage imminent, he could finally make up for his years of guilt. He hadn't expected this to happen. He used all his connections, searching every restaurant and inn in Bianjing, but to no avail. Where could a frail woman like her have gone? "I don't want you, I want my cousin!" Hua'er knocked the comb from Rong Yuwei's hand. Although she didn't dislike Rong Yuwei, she wasn't particularly fond of or close to her. Although Rong Yuwei was a well-behaved and obedient child, she still had a spoiled temper. Now that Wen Xiaoxiao was gone, it was like a chick unable to find its mother hen; her temper flared, and she disregarded manners. Rong Yuwei stood there empty-handed, her face flushing red and then pale, utterly embarrassed. "Where's my cousin?" Hua'er tearfully accused Qin Ma, "Where's my cousin? I want my cousin! You said that when Hua'er woke up, my cousin would come back, you lied to me, boohoo..." Hua'er had grown up with Wen Xiaoxiao since she was little, never leaving her side for even half a day. The day Wen Xiaoxiao disappeared, Qin Ma had tried a lot of coaxing and lying to barely calm her down, telling her that Wen Xiaoxiao would be back in a few days, putting it off until now. But now she couldn't hide it anymore. Hua'er stayed in bed, refusing to get up or eat. After three days of eating little and not sleeping well at night, her little face immediately became listless. Cheng Zuye saw this and felt sorry for her. Zhu Qin had just gone back to Jin Guodong's hometown in the countryside and wouldn't be back for a while, so he could only ask Rong Yuwei to help coax her for now, but how could she possibly coax her? Qin Ma, her eyes red, couldn't utter a word. According to Liu Yuehua's dying words, Wen Xiaoxiao had become her mistress after her death. Two mistresses, one dead, the other gone—it was truly unbearable. The most heartbroken was Cheng Zhuri. The past five years were unbearable to recall. He had longed for good days, but Wen Xiaoxiao's ethereal gaze made him uneasy. Only when he saw her sedan chair carried in, truly becoming his, could he feel at ease. He was currently in Hangzhou, brimming with joy, buying a house and furniture, imagining his future life with Wen Xiaoxiao, even smiling in his dreams. Who knew that their happiness would be so short-lived? Only half a month after arriving in Hangzhou, a messenger arrived urgently with news that Wen Xiaoxiao had run away from home. When he received the news, he was both anxious and worried. His first thought was that Rong Yuwei was behind it. Later, as he calmly recalled the events on the way, Xiao Xiao's bold and outrageous actions on the eve of her departure kept flashing through his mind. She must have planned it all along. She never intended to submit to him; she only wanted to get rid of him to make things easier. But where could she go alone? What if she encountered bad people?! Cheng rushed back from Hangzhou without stopping. In just a few days, tormented by extreme anxiety and worry, his once graying temples were now completely white, his eyes were bloodshot, and his haggard expression was exactly the same as it had been in winter more than four years ago. The first thing Cheng Zhu Ri did upon entering was rush to Wen Xiao Xiao's room. After carefully questioning her about everything, he was even more certain of his suspicions. Doctor Lan had found a small amount of sleeping potion at the bottom of Green Willow's bowl. At that moment, Cheng Zhu Ri's heart sank to the ground, and a trace of hatred arose in his heart. He hated Wen Xiao Xiao for leaving him like this; he hated himself even more for not taking care of things that night. If he had made it a done deal, perhaps she wouldn't have left. But seeing her rouge and rouge, an endless sorrow welled up in his heart, and he lost all interest in anything else. "Big brother, cousin is missing!" Hua'er jumped off the bed barefoot as Cheng Zhuri entered the room, throwing herself into his arms. Tears streaming down her face, she asked, "Did Hua'er do something wrong? Does she not want Hua'er anymore? Hua'er will change, Hua'er will be good, big brother, please find cousin quickly, I miss her so much!" "It's not Hua'er's fault," Cheng Zhuri comforted her in a hoarse voice, gently stroking her back. She was more like a daughter than a sister; he had always raised Hua'er as his own. "Cousin will definitely come back, be good, don't cry anymore. Big brother will comb your hair today." Cheng Zhuri's promise stopped Hua'er's crying. She knew her brother would keep his promise, so she quickly sniffled and asked, "Then, when will cousin come back?" "Soon, big brother promises you, I will definitely find cousin." These words were spoken to Hua'er, but even more so to himself.

"Then let's pinky swear." Hua'er stretched out her hand and pinky swore with Cheng Zhuri, then stamped it with her thumb before feeling at ease.

Cheng Zhuri helped Hua'er comb her hair, and after Qin Ma changed her clothes, he carried her out for breakfast. From the moment he entered until he left, he completely ignored Rong Yuwei. Watching Cheng Zhuri's departing figure, Rong Yuwei felt heartache at his haggard appearance, but the thought that he had become like this because of that woman made her heart ache even more, like ants biting her. Since her mother-in-law's death, the whole family had silently blamed her. For the past four years, she hadn't slept soundly. Although the mourning period prohibited sexual relations and childbirth, it didn't forbid intimacy. For three years, she had been alone in her empty room, and only she could understand the loneliness she felt. The day after Cheng Zhuri returned home, a young boy with his hair in a bun knocked on the gate of the Cheng residence, specifically asking to see Cheng Zhuri, saying he had news of Wen Xiaoxiao to report. The boy asked in a soft voice, "Are you Young Master Cheng?" "Yes, I am," Cheng Zhuri replied, his voice unsteady. The boy with his hair in a bun handed Cheng Zhuri a letter and a long, narrow brocade box taller than himself. "Someone told me to give this to you. She said you'd reward me with a tael of silver." Cheng Zhuri took it. The letter read, "To my cousin," written in familiar handwriting. He quickly tore open the envelope. "Cousin, by the time you receive this letter, Xiaoxiao will have already left, never to set foot back on the land of Bianjing again. Xiaoxiao is sorry, I've broken my promise again. The people and things around me have forced me to retreat step by step, and now there's nowhere left to retreat. Do you remember the story of Xiangzi that I told you when I was little? Xiangzi's rickshaw-buying went up and down three times. No matter how much he lowered his life goals and demands, the result was one hope after another shattered, and ultimately, he was completely destroyed by life." Xiao Xiao's greatest wish in this life is simply to be her cousin's wife, to have several lovely children, a son like her, a daughter like her, to watch them grow up, and then to hold her cousin's hand and grow old together, until we are old and gray, fulfilling our vow of lifelong commitment, of being together through thick and thin, of growing old hand in hand. Xiao Xiao longs to see what her cousin will look like at thirty, with his long and short beard? She longs to see what her cousin will look like in his old age with his goatee? But fate is cruel; not being able to marry her cousin is a regret and a wound that will never heal in Xiao Xiao's heart. However, for the sake of her family, to repay her aunt's kindness in raising her, and to prevent her cousin from becoming an unfilial son of the family, she has no choice but to grit her teeth and force him to marry Rong Yuwei against his will. Xiao Xiao cannot be a concubine. To force me to kneel and pay my respects to Rong Yuwei is something I utterly refuse to do, something I cannot do. My only wish is to remain unmarried and stay by your side forever. The memories of holding hands with my cousin are still vivid in my mind. Xiao Xiao cannot bear to part with him. I thought that as long as I could watch you like this for the rest of my life, that would be enough. But even this humble wish cannot be fulfilled. When Madam Rong adopted me as her goddaughter and then came to my door to arrange a marriage, Xiao Xiao felt an overwhelming sense of grief and indignation, as if she had fallen into an abyss. They could turn their hands to make clouds and rain, by what right? By the power they wielded, a power that ordinary people like us could not resist. Even a small sneeze from them could unleash a storm upon our family. At that moment, Xiao Xiao suddenly realized how similar Xiangzi's and her own situations were. Xiao Xiao could not become Xiangzi. Although Xiaoxiao was born with a beautiful face and had her cousin's genuine affection, she ultimately couldn't escape the favor of fate. Despite the resentment and bitterness in her heart, she had to swallow her tears and grit her teeth. Because we were all like beautiful deer entering a hunting ground, awaiting countless traps and pitfalls. Our proud antlers were no match for the hunter's bow and arrows, until we fell, bloodied and mangled, at their feet. My aunt had already fallen. If I stayed at home, who would be next? My uncle? Or me? The love between men and women was too insignificant in the face of life and death, and I had to leave this hunting ground forever. I remember in early November of that year, Zhuqin returned to see her mother for the first time, carrying her child. The longing and happiness on Rong Yuwei's face as she held little Yaomei filled me with a mix of emotions. The rights and wrongs between us were tangled and impossible to unravel. Cousin, were we truly innocent? Were we completely without fault? After Aunt's death, I often asked myself, if I was going to leave, why didn't I leave sooner? If I had made a decision earlier and left bravely, perhaps everything would be completely different today. Only the two of us would be suffering. Now the whole family is heartbroken. Unfortunately, life can only move forward, not backward; there's no room for regret. Besides, giving birth at an advanced age is inherently risky. Perhaps the three of us accelerated Aunt's death, but without her, without Doctor Du, Hua'er might not be alive and well today. It's unfair to place all the blame on her. Although I hate her, I can honestly say that she also loved you deeply, unconditionally, no less than I did, at least in her own way. It's just a pity she came too late. Love only has two places; there's no room for a third. Xiaoxiao knows the pain in her cousin's heart. It's unfair to ask you to accept the feelings you've imposed on us. We only have the right to choose. As you said, no one in this world is innocent. Chengjia got the support of the Rong family, and Auntie lost her life because of the Rong family. Cousin, since we've already compromised, why don't you take another step back and properly appease Rong Yuwei? Not for anything else, but for Chengjia, for our family. We can't provoke her into doing anything rash. Never underestimate a woman's jealousy and madness. Even if she doesn't mean to, once she explodes, it's like a raging torrent, unstoppable. She has that kind of power. Our family can't withstand any more disturbances.

It's too cruel to prevent a woman from bearing children for the man she loves. Now that I'm gone, your reason for not letting her have children no longer exists. Cousin, please have a child soon to comfort Aunt's spirit in heaven. After all, she was your lawfully wedded wife, the one you were to spend your life with, while I am nothing to you. It's not for Rong Yuwei's sake, nor is it out of a compassionate heart; I simply don't want you to be without someone to care for you in your old age after you pass away. The conflict between Rong Yuwei and me is irreconcilable. Tell me, what woman in the world can tolerate her husband having another woman in his heart, unless she doesn't love him? Rong Yuwei can't, and neither can I. I remember when Aunt had just passed away, I knew you were waiting for my comfort and embrace. I really wanted to hold you in my arms and cry my heart out, to comfort and warm each other, but I didn't. Getting too close to you would subject me to the judgment of my conscience and morality; staying away, facing your expectant gaze, I would feel so heartless and cruel to you. I hate this powerless situation. The tug-of-war between emotion and reason torments me night after night. The knot between the three of us can never be untied. One of us must withdraw. I cannot contend with the power behind her; I can only retreat far away, otherwise, Xiaoxiao will die a life of melancholy. The world is vast; there will always be a place for Xiaoxiao. I will live well wherever I am, cousin. Don't worry about me. Xiaoxiao is like a peach, seemingly soft on the outside, but with a strong core inside. I feared this day would come, so I prepared to leave long ago. The two orphaned siblings, Tiehu and his sister, whom I took in before, have grown up and learned excellent skills. With them by my side, my safety is not a problem. I have over two thousand taels of silver, enough for me to live a peaceful and worry-free life. You didn't expect that, did you? I secretly did business and saved quite a bit of silver without telling you. Now I am full of ambition and confidence in the future. I will continue to run my small business, and when I save up enough money, I will sponsor children from poor families to help them learn to read and write. I also want to travel all over the mountains and rivers of the Song Dynasty, experience different customs and cultures, and taste all kinds of delicacies. I have failed my aunt's dying wish; I am so sorry to her. My biggest worry now is Hua'er. Please, cousin, help me fulfill my unfulfilled responsibilities and promises. The box of jewelry my mother left me is on my bedside table; it is my dowry for Hua'er. Please keep it for me and give it to Hua'er when she gets married. Under no circumstances should you tell Hua'er about the past. The truth is too heavy, too dark. As long as she can live happily and carefree, I am willing for her to live in a lie forever, so that all the grudges and hatred will only reach us.

My cousin is the one I've always longed for, and the one I feel most sorry for. That night, I only wanted to give myself completely to you. It turns out that we are destined to be apart in this life. Even one night of passion couldn't be granted to me. I don't know if the pain in my heart will fade with time, but every sunrise and sunset I will think of you, Hua'er, Xing'er, and Zhuqin, and pray for your well-being. If there is an afterlife, I only wish that we could become mandarin ducks entwined on the shores of West Lake, living a peaceful and quiet life together. Please, cousin, please don't come looking for me. That will only force me to run further away, making my future life even more uncertain. I've given you all my girlish feelings. Please, cousin, grant me this wish. My grandmother is unwell, and I'm not filial enough to take care of her. Please find a way to keep this from her and let her pass away peacefully. Xiao Xiao has nothing of value, so I leave this strand of hair to accompany you forever, as proof of the promise I made to you—to never marry. Your forever family: Xiao Xiao. "Xiao Xiao, you lied to me... You have such a cruel heart," Cheng Zhu Ri muttered to himself, his arm falling limply to his sides. The letter drifted gently to his feet. "And I am no different from Xiangzi..." "Young Master Cheng, Young Master Cheng," the boy with his hair in a bun, seeing Cheng Zhu Ri's expression, worried that his hard-earned money for the journey would be lost, quickly asked, "Where is my money?" Cheng Zhu Ri seemed not to hear, slowly opening the box. Inside lay a shiny, three-foot-long braid, Wen Xiao Xiao's hair. Cheng Zhu Ri reached out and stroked it repeatedly. "Young Master Cheng, where is my money?" the boy with his hair in a bun raised his voice to remind him again. He had walked two streets, missing the opera to deliver it. "Who gave you this?" Cheng Zhuri suddenly grabbed his arm, asking in a deep voice, his eyes darting around. "Where is he?" Cheng Zhuri's sharp words frightened the little boy, who burst into tears. The child's cries attracted the attention of passersby, some of whom stopped and pointed at Cheng Zhuri. "Young Master?" Cheng Shun quickly reminded him, "Young Master, this is the entrance. Don't rush. Let's ask properly so no one will misunderstand that we're bullying a child." "Cheng Shun, give him the silver first." Cheng Zhuri knelt down, rubbed his head, and coaxed him softly, "Don't be afraid. Tell me who gave you this, and I'll give you an extra tael." The boy with his hair in a bun clutched the silver tightly in his hand, sniffed, "I don't know... I was playing at the entrance of my house today when an auntie gave me two strings of candied hawthorns and told me to personally deliver them to the eldest young master of the Cheng family. She said you would give me an extra tael of silver. She brought me here and then left." "Cheng Shun, take him back and find out what happened before you come back." Bai Shungen, hiding in a corner across the street, saw Cheng Zhuri read the letter and fulfill his promise to Wen Xiaoxiao before quietly turning and disappearing.

The untimely death of his wife six years later was a heavy blow to Cheng Zuye's spirit. He looked dejected and depressed. Since Liu Yuehua's death, he rarely left the house except to go to Daxiangguo Temple to meditate and discuss Buddhist principles with monks. At home, he liked to stay alone in his study, or play chess and paint with his children and grandchildren. He had no other pastimes.

Cheng Zhuri and Rong Yuwei's relationship was strained, and they had been childless for a long time. Adding to their woes, Wen Xiaoxiao's whereabouts remained unknown. These two worries caused the over-fifty-year-old man to sigh constantly, becoming increasingly melancholic. His health deteriorated year by year. Six months ago, he suddenly caught a cold and became bedridden. His illness progressed rapidly, and several doctors were unable to help him. Even the imperial physician, whom Rong Yuwei had arranged through her family connections, was helpless. However, emotional wounds require emotional healing. Before passing away, they all shook their heads and left with the same words: Cheng Zuye was burdened by grief, and now he was nearing his end; they should quickly prepare for his funeral. The entire Cheng family was grieving as they prepared his burial clothes and coffin. The most heartbroken was Hua'er. At such a young age, she was facing death twice. Her grandmother had passed away a few years ago, and now it was her father's turn. During Cheng Zuye's bedridden days, she fed him, took his medicine, massaged his legs and shoulders, and devoted herself to caring for her father in his final moments. In his later years, Cheng Zuye poured all his love into his youngest daughter, whom he felt most indebted to, loving her even more than his grandson. The father and daughter's relationship grew stronger and stronger. Perhaps knowing his days were numbered, he arranged a marriage for her early last year. After careful selection, he finally chose Lan Zhongping, the eldest grandson of Doctor Lan, personally preparing the entire dowry of 9981 loads. Lan Zhongping was honest and kind, but of average talent. Ten years ago, Cheng Zuye wouldn't have even given him a second glance. However, having experienced the pain of losing his wife, he had long since abandoned the principle of matching social status, prioritizing character in his choice of son-in-law. He only hoped his daughter would be happy. Although Doctor Lan's family was of modest means, the two families had been friends for generations, knowing each other well. Moreover, Doctor Lan had watched Hua'er grow up and doted on her. After much consideration, only the Lan family could truly reassure him.

This morning, Cheng Zuye suddenly regained his spirits and was able to get out of bed and walk. He ate with his family, carefully inquired about his grandchildren's studies, and even played a game of chess with Uncle Qi. He was refreshed and his previously cloudy eyes became bright and clear. His complexion showed no signs of illness, and a warm smile always graced his lips. The Cheng family was overjoyed, believing it to be a blessing from the gods and a sign from their ancestors that Cheng Zuye had recovered without medicine. They immediately summoned Doctor Lan to examine him, only to receive the reply that it was a final burst of energy before death. Doctor Lan instructed the Cheng family to fulfill all his wishes and let him pass away peacefully. After dinner, Cheng Zuye gave his family detailed instructions and then called his three brothers, Cheng Zhuri and Cheng Zuye, to his study for a talk.